Help for my OCD-like characteristics re: clutter
Tami
Hi all,
New question here...
I am the grown daughter of an obsessive-compulsive parent. OCD is funny when you
watch it on MONK, but in real life, its horrible. You've heard the phrase "a place for
everything, and everything in its place", but with my dad, this was taken to a new level. I
remember more than one occassion being jerked out of bed in the middle of the night
because something was a couple of inches out of place and it was my responsibility to
align it PERFECTLY before being allowed to go back to sleep.
Althought *I* do not have OCD, it has been ingrained in me that things have to be
cleaned/picked up/put away PERFECTLY. I have worked very hard to overcome this part of
my upbringing, and I've done quite well in a lot of areas. I've lowered my standards on
cleanliness to a point I never thought possible (for instance, I can't remember the last time
I cleaned the bathrooms - hows that for lowered standards!). But...I have 3 young children
(5.5, 4, 2) with 3 seperate interests and the clutter is tearing me apart on the inside. I've
gone thru the archives, but have only seen stuff on picking up/cleaning relating to "have
to vs. choose to", which I don't feel applies to me. Because of my upbringing, mentally
"letting go" of the mess is not something I feel I can do. It causes such incredible anxiety
in me that sometimes I have trouble breathing! I have come to understand thru reading
Sandra Dodd's site that if something bothers me, then it is *my* responsibility to clean it
up. But...I feel I like I am *always* picking up and sacrificing time with my kids in order to
do this. I don't wont to sacrfice my time/relationship with them, but I'm not sure how to
overcome something that has been so deeply ingrained in me.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Tami
New question here...
I am the grown daughter of an obsessive-compulsive parent. OCD is funny when you
watch it on MONK, but in real life, its horrible. You've heard the phrase "a place for
everything, and everything in its place", but with my dad, this was taken to a new level. I
remember more than one occassion being jerked out of bed in the middle of the night
because something was a couple of inches out of place and it was my responsibility to
align it PERFECTLY before being allowed to go back to sleep.
Althought *I* do not have OCD, it has been ingrained in me that things have to be
cleaned/picked up/put away PERFECTLY. I have worked very hard to overcome this part of
my upbringing, and I've done quite well in a lot of areas. I've lowered my standards on
cleanliness to a point I never thought possible (for instance, I can't remember the last time
I cleaned the bathrooms - hows that for lowered standards!). But...I have 3 young children
(5.5, 4, 2) with 3 seperate interests and the clutter is tearing me apart on the inside. I've
gone thru the archives, but have only seen stuff on picking up/cleaning relating to "have
to vs. choose to", which I don't feel applies to me. Because of my upbringing, mentally
"letting go" of the mess is not something I feel I can do. It causes such incredible anxiety
in me that sometimes I have trouble breathing! I have come to understand thru reading
Sandra Dodd's site that if something bothers me, then it is *my* responsibility to clean it
up. But...I feel I like I am *always* picking up and sacrificing time with my kids in order to
do this. I don't wont to sacrfice my time/relationship with them, but I'm not sure how to
overcome something that has been so deeply ingrained in me.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Tami
Karen Smith
Hi Tami,
I understand how you feel. I have had to work hard to let go of "perfectionism" myself. www.flylady.net has helped me tremendously! My house stays fairly straightened. I just have to be careful to do ONLY what she tells me to do daily and not go way overboard and try to do everything perfectly. Hope you find this helpful.
Karen
I understand how you feel. I have had to work hard to let go of "perfectionism" myself. www.flylady.net has helped me tremendously! My house stays fairly straightened. I just have to be careful to do ONLY what she tells me to do daily and not go way overboard and try to do everything perfectly. Hope you find this helpful.
Karen
----- Original Message -----
From: Tami
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, December 30, 2006 9:00 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Help for my OCD-like characteristics re: clutter
Hi all,
New question here...
I am the grown daughter of an obsessive-compulsive parent. OCD is funny when you
watch it on MONK, but in real life, its horrible. You've heard the phrase "a place for
everything, and everything in its place", but with my dad, this was taken to a new level. I
remember more than one occassion being jerked out of bed in the middle of the night
because something was a couple of inches out of place and it was my responsibility to
align it PERFECTLY before being allowed to go back to sleep.
Althought *I* do not have OCD, it has been ingrained in me that things have to be
cleaned/picked up/put away PERFECTLY. I have worked very hard to overcome this part of
my upbringing, and I've done quite well in a lot of areas. I've lowered my standards on
cleanliness to a point I never thought possible (for instance, I can't remember the last time
I cleaned the bathrooms - hows that for lowered standards!). But...I have 3 young children
(5.5, 4, 2) with 3 seperate interests and the clutter is tearing me apart on the inside. I've
gone thru the archives, but have only seen stuff on picking up/cleaning relating to "have
to vs. choose to", which I don't feel applies to me. Because of my upbringing, mentally
"letting go" of the mess is not something I feel I can do. It causes such incredible anxiety
in me that sometimes I have trouble breathing! I have come to understand thru reading
Sandra Dodd's site that if something bothers me, then it is *my* responsibility to clean it
up. But...I feel I like I am *always* picking up and sacrificing time with my kids in order to
do this. I don't wont to sacrfice my time/relationship with them, but I'm not sure how to
overcome something that has been so deeply ingrained in me.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Tami
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/30/2006 10:28:38 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,
Tamicamp@... writes:
Because of my upbringing, mentally
"letting go" of the mess is not something I feel I can do. It causes such
incredible anxiety
in me that sometimes I have trouble breathing!
OCD can run in families. I have struggled for years with much of what you
have been describing. I've read self-help books, gone to counseling,
exercised, changed my diet, tried every trick I could uncover. In the last couple of
years, the anxiety and compulsiveness began to cause problems with my
relationships with my family and friends.
About 6 weeks ago, I went on a very low dosage of an SSRI antidepressant
that is used for both anxiety, depression and OCD symptoms. Within a few days,
my anxiety subsided, my compulsiveness diminished to a very manageable level
and I was able to step back and start feeling like myself again. My
relationship with my husband is greatly improved...He likes me again...:-) And I
like me again.
I'm not recommending medication as the answer but I just wanted to share
with you that after years of frustration with not being able to deal with these
issues, this has made a huge difference for me.
Anxiety to the point of having trouble breathing might be more than your
upbringing. I know that I felt so guilty that I was not able to deal with this
"on my own" that I would not even consider medication. However, it has truly
been a life changing decision for me to try it.
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tamicamp@... writes:
Because of my upbringing, mentally
"letting go" of the mess is not something I feel I can do. It causes such
incredible anxiety
in me that sometimes I have trouble breathing!
OCD can run in families. I have struggled for years with much of what you
have been describing. I've read self-help books, gone to counseling,
exercised, changed my diet, tried every trick I could uncover. In the last couple of
years, the anxiety and compulsiveness began to cause problems with my
relationships with my family and friends.
About 6 weeks ago, I went on a very low dosage of an SSRI antidepressant
that is used for both anxiety, depression and OCD symptoms. Within a few days,
my anxiety subsided, my compulsiveness diminished to a very manageable level
and I was able to step back and start feeling like myself again. My
relationship with my husband is greatly improved...He likes me again...:-) And I
like me again.
I'm not recommending medication as the answer but I just wanted to share
with you that after years of frustration with not being able to deal with these
issues, this has made a huge difference for me.
Anxiety to the point of having trouble breathing might be more than your
upbringing. I know that I felt so guilty that I was not able to deal with this
"on my own" that I would not even consider medication. However, it has truly
been a life changing decision for me to try it.
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rue Kream
>>Althought *I* do not have OCDsnip
>>mentally "letting go" of the mess is not something I feel I can do. Itcauses such incredible anxiety in me that sometimes I have trouble
breathing!
**Hi Tami - My dad has OCD, I have OCD, and my daughter has OCD. When
Rowan, my daughter, first started having problems with it we talked about
what it feels like. I stood in the kitchen with all the cabinet doors open
(a big problem for me) and told her how my body felt. My chest felt
constricted. I didn't feel like I was breathing right. All of my muscles
felt strained and anxious. It was a huge physical effort to stop myself
from from closing the doors. Rowan says that's just how she feels too. So
I'd maybe think about the possibility that it wasn't only your dad's
actions, but his genetics, that have contributed to your having trouble
'letting go'.
Rowan and I did a LOT of learning about OCD and ways to minimize its effect
on our lives. If you want an email about some of what we learned feel free
to email me off-list. ~Rue
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Nicole Willoughby
Rue...would you mind if I emailed you or you e-mailed me? Courtney my 7 year ols is OCD and Im seeing signs in my 3.5 year old also. Courtney took medication for a bit then decided to stop but is still having issues with OCD.
Nicole
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Nicole
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Sylvia Toyama
Because of my upbringing, mentally "letting go" of the mess is not something I feel I can do. It causes such incredible anxiety in me that sometimes I have trouble breathing! I have come to understand thru reading Sandra Dodd's site that if something bothers me, then it is *my* responsibility to clean it up.
******
I strugge with a very low tolerance for clutter -- and kids who don't seem to have the same issue about visual clutter. I've been thru cycles where I felt I had to clean it all, every day and found myself resenting that no one else cleaned up. I would grump and grumble, and lose my temper, and spend hours being angry about my lot in life. I couldn't bring myself to insist that the kids do chores or clean up -- I grew up with chore lists and years of picking up after my brother and sister. I swore I'd never make my kids do chore (my Mom still thinks I'm wrong that as an adult it's my turn to have someone else do the housework!).
For me, what works is to keep my bedroom neat. I chose that one because it's an easy one to tackle, and I pass thru it on my way to the bathroom several times a day, so I get a regular 'fix' of order! As soon as the bed is empty, I make it -- I bought myself pretty flannel sheets I enjoy seeing and put on my favorite bedspread. Once the bed is made, that motivates me to neaten up the clutter around it -- put laundry in the basket, pick up loose books or newspapers, open the curtains to let the sun in. Just seeing it so neat brings me peace. Whenever a get a few minutes in my day, I sit in my rocking chair in the 'reading' corner of my bedroom and just survey my space. I first tried it when someone else said that having the bed made was really nice. I never made my bed growing up -- having a messy room was my rebellion against my Mom's neatnik demands. It seemed silly, and took me a week or so to get into the habit, but what a difference it makes.
It also helps me to break it up into small jobs. I just do the dishes, loading and unloading the dishwasher as I heat up a kettle of water for a cup of tea -- my reward and so much better enjoyed in a clean kitchen! Or I pick up toys while my tea kettle heats. I fold laundry while watching a favorite TV show I've DVR'd -- in Dan's bedroom so the boys can have the living room to enjoy as they wish. I clean on my way to bed, when the boys are asleep, and enjoy the few moments of order. I remind myself that before I know it, the boys will be grown and I'll miss the clutter of their favorite stuff, because it will mean they're spending less time in my space. I remember that giving them the freedom from being responsible for meeting my needs is really a very small season in my life, and such a huge blessing to them (one I missed, but giving it to them heals me so much!) and in grand scheme of things, I'm blessed to have these magnificent little beings in my life.
But mostly, I make my bed! <g> That's just enough to satisfy my complusions -- and given the size of my compulsions, that's practically a miracle!
Sylvia
Gary (dh)
Will (almost 22!) Andy (10-1/2) and Dan (almost 6)
Peace is the vibrant space which stimulates the dance of kindness, merriment and freedom. ~ unknown
http://ourhapahome.blogspot.com
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Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
******
I strugge with a very low tolerance for clutter -- and kids who don't seem to have the same issue about visual clutter. I've been thru cycles where I felt I had to clean it all, every day and found myself resenting that no one else cleaned up. I would grump and grumble, and lose my temper, and spend hours being angry about my lot in life. I couldn't bring myself to insist that the kids do chores or clean up -- I grew up with chore lists and years of picking up after my brother and sister. I swore I'd never make my kids do chore (my Mom still thinks I'm wrong that as an adult it's my turn to have someone else do the housework!).
For me, what works is to keep my bedroom neat. I chose that one because it's an easy one to tackle, and I pass thru it on my way to the bathroom several times a day, so I get a regular 'fix' of order! As soon as the bed is empty, I make it -- I bought myself pretty flannel sheets I enjoy seeing and put on my favorite bedspread. Once the bed is made, that motivates me to neaten up the clutter around it -- put laundry in the basket, pick up loose books or newspapers, open the curtains to let the sun in. Just seeing it so neat brings me peace. Whenever a get a few minutes in my day, I sit in my rocking chair in the 'reading' corner of my bedroom and just survey my space. I first tried it when someone else said that having the bed made was really nice. I never made my bed growing up -- having a messy room was my rebellion against my Mom's neatnik demands. It seemed silly, and took me a week or so to get into the habit, but what a difference it makes.
It also helps me to break it up into small jobs. I just do the dishes, loading and unloading the dishwasher as I heat up a kettle of water for a cup of tea -- my reward and so much better enjoyed in a clean kitchen! Or I pick up toys while my tea kettle heats. I fold laundry while watching a favorite TV show I've DVR'd -- in Dan's bedroom so the boys can have the living room to enjoy as they wish. I clean on my way to bed, when the boys are asleep, and enjoy the few moments of order. I remind myself that before I know it, the boys will be grown and I'll miss the clutter of their favorite stuff, because it will mean they're spending less time in my space. I remember that giving them the freedom from being responsible for meeting my needs is really a very small season in my life, and such a huge blessing to them (one I missed, but giving it to them heals me so much!) and in grand scheme of things, I'm blessed to have these magnificent little beings in my life.
But mostly, I make my bed! <g> That's just enough to satisfy my complusions -- and given the size of my compulsions, that's practically a miracle!
Sylvia
Gary (dh)
Will (almost 22!) Andy (10-1/2) and Dan (almost 6)
Peace is the vibrant space which stimulates the dance of kindness, merriment and freedom. ~ unknown
http://ourhapahome.blogspot.com
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Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tami
--- In [email protected], gailbrocop@... wrote:
many issues...I thought *my* issues (which are nothing compared to him) were just a
result of what he put us thru growing up
Can you just walk past things that once created anxiety in you and not have an emotional
reaction to it? I can't imagine this...
I'm in *severe* pain. But now that I feel my relationship with my children is at risk because
of my own crazy issues...maybe I'll look into it more. But I would be interested in knowing
more specifically how your reactions to things have changed...?
Thank you,
Tami
> OCD can run in families.The thought that *I* might have this was something I never considered. My dad has soooo
many issues...I thought *my* issues (which are nothing compared to him) were just a
result of what he put us thru growing up
> About 6 weeks ago, I went on a very low dosage of an SSRI antidepressantfrustration with not being able to deal with these
> that is used for both anxiety, depression and OCD symptoms. Within a few days,
> my anxiety subsided, my compulsiveness diminished to a very manageable level
> and I was able to step back and start feeling like myself again. ..... after years of
> issues, this has made a huge difference for me.I can't imagine the clutter NOT bothering me...how do you think the medication works?
Can you just walk past things that once created anxiety in you and not have an emotional
reaction to it? I can't imagine this...
>I've always been opposed to taking meds of any kind - I won't even take an aspirin unless
> Anxiety to the point of having trouble breathing might be more than your
> upbringing. I know that I felt so guilty that I was not able to deal with this
> "on my own" that I would not even consider medication. However, it has truly
> been a life changing decision for me to try it.
>
I'm in *severe* pain. But now that I feel my relationship with my children is at risk because
of my own crazy issues...maybe I'll look into it more. But I would be interested in knowing
more specifically how your reactions to things have changed...?
Thank you,
Tami
Tami
Thank you all for your responses!
-Tami
-Tami
--- In [email protected], "Tami " <Tamicamp@...> wrote:
>
> Hi all,
>
> New question here...
>
> I am the grown daughter of an obsessive-compulsive parent.
>
> Althought *I* do not have OCD, it has been ingrained in me that things have to be
> cleaned/picked up/put away PERFECTLY. I have worked very hard to overcome this part
of
> my upbringing, ..... the clutter is tearing me apart on the inside. I've
> gone thru the archives, but have only seen stuff on picking up/cleaning relating to "have
> to vs. choose to", which I don't feel applies to me. Because of my upbringing, mentally
> "letting go" of the mess is not something I feel I can do. It causes such incredible
anxiety
> in me that sometimes I have trouble breathing! I have come to understand thru reading
> Sandra Dodd's site that if something bothers me, then it is *my* responsibility to clean it
> up. But...I feel I like I am *always* picking up and sacrificing time with my kids in order
to
> do this. I don't wont to sacrfice my time/relationship with them, but I'm not sure how to
> overcome something that has been so deeply ingrained in me.
>
> Anyone have any suggestions?
>
> Thanks,
> Tami
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/31/2006 11:01:43 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,
Tamicamp@... writes:
But I would be interested in knowing
more specifically how your reactions to things have changed...?
If you'd like to e-mail me off list, I'd be happy to talk with you more
about this. .
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tamicamp@... writes:
But I would be interested in knowing
more specifically how your reactions to things have changed...?
If you'd like to e-mail me off list, I'd be happy to talk with you more
about this. .
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wuweimama
--- In [email protected], "Tami " <Tamicamp@...> wrote:
will. You can choose according to needs. These are available at any
natural food store. Rescue Remedy, Elm, Cherry Plum, Beech are must
haves, imo. The links below have some remedy finder tools to help
select the most appropriate to one's needs. We have a bunch on hand
for varied situations. They just take the edge off of intensity, so
that coping can occur. They are not a panacea to exploring ways to
address underlying needs; but they do help to create a calmer state, ime.
http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx
http://www.transformationaltools.com...nder/index.php
http://www.naturallythinking.co.uk/p...dyfinder.shtml
http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm
http://www.bachflower.com/38_Essences.htm
http://www.abchomeopathy.com/c.php/3
However, we use classical homeopathy rather than acute.
http://www.healing-arts.org/children...homeopathy.htm And, classical
homeopathy does help to address emotional aspects and behavioral
characteristics. I highly recommend considering it. I was leery
at first but am evangelical about homeopathy now. LOL
Pat
>OH, have you tried Bach Flower remedies!! These help when nothing else
> Anyone have any suggestions?
>
will. You can choose according to needs. These are available at any
natural food store. Rescue Remedy, Elm, Cherry Plum, Beech are must
haves, imo. The links below have some remedy finder tools to help
select the most appropriate to one's needs. We have a bunch on hand
for varied situations. They just take the edge off of intensity, so
that coping can occur. They are not a panacea to exploring ways to
address underlying needs; but they do help to create a calmer state, ime.
http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx
http://www.transformationaltools.com...nder/index.php
http://www.naturallythinking.co.uk/p...dyfinder.shtml
http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm
http://www.bachflower.com/38_Essences.htm
http://www.abchomeopathy.com/c.php/3
However, we use classical homeopathy rather than acute.
http://www.healing-arts.org/children...homeopathy.htm And, classical
homeopathy does help to address emotional aspects and behavioral
characteristics. I highly recommend considering it. I was leery
at first but am evangelical about homeopathy now. LOL
Pat