Kendrah Nilsestuen

<<No sage advice for you, Michelle, but empathy and sympathy.
I have had a difficult relationship with my mother all my life.>>

Maybe we should start our own support group for this topic. I also have
a rocky relationship with my mother. I'm even going to read a book
called Divorcing A Parent. I had it recommended to me by a friend. I
agree when it starts to affect the kids that is when something has to
change. For me it seemed just the worry and stress about having to see
my mom contributed to me being less patient with my own children. I
know i need to own my feelings and not put the blame on my mother but
she just seems to have such a profound effect on me that it trickles
down and affects my own mothering. At this point i'm not sure where to
go with our relationship. Therapy maybe? One of my biggest fears is
that my children will feel about me someday the way i now feel about my
mom. I know i'm a much different mother but she is still a huge part of
me since she raised me my whole life. I want to find forgiveness in my
heart for her but i can't seem to get past my anger to do that right
now. Anyway enough ranting. It is nice though to know i'm not alone
here with the troubled mother relationship.

Kendrah



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Dec 23, 2006, at 7:29 PM, Kendrah Nilsestuen wrote:

> Maybe we should start our own support group for this topic.

Just do it. :-) If you build it ....

One perspective shift that has come with age is moving from thinking
"Why doesn't someone ..." to "What can I do to change things?"

The process of setting up a list is very simple and Yahoo does a good
job of walking you through it. But if you need help you can email me
off list.

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Vickisue Gray

Wow.
Just reading all these posts about toxic moms
lets me realize that I'm not alone in this kind of thing.
I did as Ren said, and cut this negative person out of
my life near a year ago. I found I was much happier without them.
Yesterday, they (mom, dad, brother haven't seen in 9 yrs
and his son 8.5) showed up on my doorstep.

I am proud of myself for being polite and showing Holiday
niceness, but after they left, I can say that I really have
no desire to see them again.

Good luck as you find your way through this.
<Hugs> Hoping your holiday is filled with joy.



__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

halfshadow1

-I think my mom could be the 'queen of toxic' I could fill pages of
the mean things she says and how she acts! My dh doesn't know how i
got throught it growing up with her and sometimes i hear her through
my voice when i talked to my son and i said OMG, no way!! scary!-- In
[email protected], Vickisue Gray <vickisue_gray@...>
wrote:
>
> Wow.
> Just reading all these posts about toxic moms
> lets me realize that I'm not alone in this kind of thing.
> I did as Ren said, and cut this negative person out of
> my life near a year ago. I found I was much happier without them.
> Yesterday, they (mom, dad, brother haven't seen in 9 yrs
> and his son 8.5) showed up on my doorstep.
>
> I am proud of myself for being polite and showing Holiday
> niceness, but after they left, I can say that I really have
> no desire to see them again.
>
> Good luck as you find your way through this.
> <Hugs> Hoping your holiday is filled with joy.
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
> http://mail.yahoo.com
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

halfshadow1

-I will join!-- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll
<fetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Dec 23, 2006, at 7:29 PM, Kendrah Nilsestuen wrote:
>
> > Maybe we should start our own support group for this topic.
>
> Just do it. :-) If you build it ....
>
> One perspective shift that has come with age is moving from thinking
> "Why doesn't someone ..." to "What can I do to change things?"
>
> The process of setting up a list is very simple and Yahoo does a good
> job of walking you through it. But if you need help you can email me
> off list.
>
> Joyce
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

CONNIE KANGAS

My mother probably measured up to all of your's. I can't even count the number of times she got mad at me and called child abuse or the truant officer, the dog pound or whatever in retribution. I remember once it was because she was mad because I wouldn't walk out on my job and fix her vaccuum. Anyway - she passed away last Friday. I miss her - and all the 'troubles' have also ended.
It's really sad that people can't cherish their relationship with their family all the time.

----- Original Message -----
From: halfshadow1
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, December 24, 2006 6:27 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re:OT-Troubled mother relationships/was Sad situation


-I think my mom could be the 'queen of toxic' I could fill pages of
the mean things she says and how she acts! My dh doesn't know how i
got throught it growing up with her and sometimes i hear her through
my voice when i talked to my son and i said OMG, no way!! scary!-- In
[email protected], Vickisue Gray <vickisue_gray@...>
wrote:
>
> Wow.
> Just reading all these posts about toxic moms
> lets me realize that I'm not alone in this kind of thing.
> I did as Ren said, and cut this negative person out of
> my life near a year ago. I found I was much happier without them.
> Yesterday, they (mom, dad, brother haven't seen in 9 yrs
> and his son 8.5) showed up on my doorstep.
>
> I am proud of myself for being polite and showing Holiday
> niceness, but after they left, I can say that I really have
> no desire to see them again.
>
> Good luck as you find your way through this.
> <Hugs> Hoping your holiday is filled with joy.
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
> http://mail.yahoo.com
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Crystal Miller

> 1b. OT-Troubled mother relationships/was Sad situation
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ahhh, but so interesting was not seeing my mother for over 20 years then
trying to help her and my brother out this past year (homeless) and when she
was living in my home she said to me, "Crystal, I did not keep any pictures
of you because I thought that I was never going to see you again." Then she
added, "You just weren't a priority to me."

Not a priority? It was an interesting statement considering my Sorscha is a
huge priority to me and I cannot imagine not seeing her for over 20 years.
The thought of even throwing away one picture of Sorscha flabbergast me...I
even keep the smeary ones. It is important that I chose not to wallow in
my losses (parent, love, childhood) and create what I wanted. I guess that
is why I love RUing. It's about the relationship I create with Sorscha.
~Crystal~
http://daikinicrossroads.blogspot.com/

Hey PS...YOU Albuquerque Tribe...Thanks for being there for me this year
when I was going thru that mess! Ya'll are awesome friends!

Dawn Bennink

I think one of the reasons so many of us are so strongly connected to our
children is that we had such difficult relationships with our own parents or
siblings. We learned valuable lessons and are making absolutely every
effort we can not to repeat the mistakes of our parents.

Maybe just a theory. :o)

Dawn

Debra

--- In [email protected], "Dawn Bennink"
<bennink4@...> wrote:
>
> I think one of the reasons so many of us are so strongly connected
to our
> children is that we had such difficult relationships with our own
parents or
> siblings. We learned valuable lessons and are making absolutely
every
> effort we can not to repeat the mistakes of our parents.
>
> Maybe just a theory. :o)
>
> Dawn
>
Hi Dawn, I"m new here, but just had to write you back about your
comment. I agree with you, I don't believe it's maybe just a
therory. I have three children, two adult sons and one 11 yr old
daughter, whom lights up my life. I have had a very bad relationship
with my mother, and still do. The sad part is, she is giving my
daughter the same sort of treatment. We have finally decided to stay
away. I have never been close to this women, her own choice. And
because of this I am very close to my daughter, and have been with
my sons when they were younger. I have chosen to be a stay home mom
for my daughter even in the midist of financal problems, and living
in a homeless shelter. Let me explain, I am also disabled, but can
still get around, when my body decides to corporate. I still believe
my place is right here teaching her everything I can, and for this
reason we are very close. I have found she has some disabilities,
but we will get through them together. I will not repeat the same
mistake my mother did, by not being there for us. I think your point
was well taken. Debra {daughter 11} {sons 32, 25}

Dawn Bennink

Well, Debra, we have some things in common.

My mother has also decided to start problems with my 10 year old. It is
going to cost her all contact with us if she keeps escalating things. As I
mentioned in an earlier post (that inexplicably seems to have disappeared),
I have made a great effort to keep my kids out of the line of fire and model
some level of control in response to my mother's issues. But one can only
carry that so far.

I cannot say that I was able to choose to be a SAHM, although I'm grateful
that I am. It was chosen for me when I too became disabled. I am not
completely bed bound or home bound either. But I can never count on my body
cooperating enough to be able to make many specific plans nor certainly to
work. I choose to look at my disability as a cloud with a definite silver
lining. While it hinders much of my life, if I were not disabled, I would
probably not be at home with my boys, and there is no place I'd rather be.
:o)

Dawn


>>
> Hi Dawn, I"m new here, but just had to write you back about your
> comment. I agree with you, I don't believe it's maybe just a
> therory. I have three children, two adult sons and one 11 yr old
> daughter, whom lights up my life. I have had a very bad relationship
> with my mother, and still do. The sad part is, she is giving my
> daughter the same sort of treatment. We have finally decided to stay
> away. I have never been close to this women, her own choice. And
> because of this I am very close to my daughter, and have been with
> my sons when they were younger. I have chosen to be a stay home mom
> for my daughter even in the midist of financal problems, and living
> in a homeless shelter. Let me explain, I am also disabled, but can
> still get around, when my body decides to corporate. I still believe
> my place is right here teaching her everything I can, and for this
> reason we are very close. I have found she has some disabilities,
> but we will get through them together. I will not repeat the same
> mistake my mother did, by not being there for us. I think your point
> was well taken. Debra {daughter 11} {sons 32, 25}

Maisha Khalfani

Vickisue Gray <vickisue_gray@...> wrote:
Wow.
Just reading all these posts about toxic moms
lets me realize that I'm not alone in this kind of thing.
****************************************************************
Sadly, I am living with two toxic people now. My family and I are living with my sil and my mil. They are miserable, angry people. My husband has decided that once we leave here he really doesn't want anything more to do with them. They are not child-friendly and have anger management problems. They usually leave my 4 biological children alone, but they like to bother my stepdaughter. So she won't be staying here with us after her winter break. I feel for my husband because it's as though he has no family. But as has been said time and again in these posts - it's better to make a family with those of like-mind than stay with toxic people who are of a biological relation.




Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Debra

Dawn, thank you for sharing some of your life. Even though I don't
mean it as it may sound, and I'm truly very sorry for anyone that
has gone through a disability of anykind, or for that matter any
pain. However I have to say, I feel as if I'm not alone, and that
does come as a comfort to one that has been walking this long road
alone. I sit back and hear all your stories, and realize, that there
are other woman out there that truely understand, and are going
through the same. It does make life more bareable, at least for me.
To know what you have been doing and feeling, for which seems like
almost a lifetime, is not so abnormal, but in fact is "normal". I
gain strenght listening, to others on here. I am starting to walk
daily with my head lifted higher then it's been in a long time,
knowing I have people such as yourself. Again thank you for sharing,
it takes that sharing to help others..... Debra

--- In [email protected], "Dawn Bennink"
<bennink4@...> wrote:
>
> Well, Debra, we have some things in common.
>
> My mother has also decided to start problems with my 10 year old.
It is
> going to cost her all contact with us if she keeps escalating
things. As I
> mentioned in an earlier post (that inexplicably seems to have
disappeared),
> I have made a great effort to keep my kids out of the line of fire
and model
> some level of control in response to my mother's issues. But one
can only
> carry that so far.
>
> I cannot say that I was able to choose to be a SAHM, although I'm
grateful
> that I am. It was chosen for me when I too became disabled. I am
not
> completely bed bound or home bound either. But I can never count
on my body
> cooperating enough to be able to make many specific plans nor
certainly to
> work. I choose to look at my disability as a cloud with a
definite silver
> lining. While it hinders much of my life, if I were not disabled,
I would
> probably not be at home with my boys, and there is no place I'd
rather be.
> :o)
>
> Dawn
>
>
> >>
> > Hi Dawn, I"m new here, but just had to write you back about your
> > comment. I agree with you, I don't believe it's maybe just a
> > therory. I have three children, two adult sons and one 11 yr old
> > daughter, whom lights up my life. I have had a very bad
relationship
> > with my mother, and still do. The sad part is, she is giving my
> > daughter the same sort of treatment. We have finally decided to
stay
> > away. I have never been close to this women, her own choice. And
> > because of this I am very close to my daughter, and have been
with
> > my sons when they were younger. I have chosen to be a stay home
mom
> > for my daughter even in the midist of financal problems, and
living
> > in a homeless shelter. Let me explain, I am also disabled, but
can
> > still get around, when my body decides to corporate. I still
believe
> > my place is right here teaching her everything I can, and for
this
> > reason we are very close. I have found she has some disabilities,
> > but we will get through them together. I will not repeat the same
> > mistake my mother did, by not being there for us. I think your
point
> > was well taken. Debra {daughter 11} {sons 32, 25}
>