rshoulla

>>When I chose to [insert any of your choices as a parent], it was a
slap in my mom's face
because she raised me "just fine" the way she did it<<

If I may interject, I read with interest the various posts. I think
the above statement is likely the core root of the issue and really
the only one worth addressing if you want to salvage the
relationship with your mother.
It sounds to me like maybe, at the heart of it all, your mother may
simply have some hurt feelings about your style of parenting because
it is so vastly different from her own and it leaves her wondering
what was wrong with the way you were raised.

I doubt you'll ever convince her your way is "right" because it will
probably always mean to her that her way was "wrong." Maybe you
should consider your own upbringing and find a gentle way to
reassure her. (Of course, you may believe she was a TERRIBLE mother,
in which case I wouldn't ever say such if you want a good
relationship with her.)

I agree, however, that it is unrealistic to expect her to actually
practise your parenting style. She can respect it without agreeing
with it or liking it and that's the only thing that's realistic to
expect.

As for your children, I know there are often fears from outside
unschooling about how children will learn to adjust to a more
structured world, in work and other environments. Perhaps you could
all look at these visits as a grand experiment in living "on the
other side" so they can decide for themselves if some of these rules
are really so bad (without your editorial) or if they open them up
for other opportunities... After all, if your daughter did one day
decide to be a lawyer, she'd be bound by lots and lots of rules.
Maybe she'll decide she never wants to be bound by such a strict
environment or maybe she'll feel she can make the trade to attain
other goals... in any case, I really think this is a great chance to
see how "the other half lives" and decide on their own what it means
to them. Besides, we all have to follow SOME rules SOMETIMES - like
when we drive a car, for instance, and maybe you can explain it that
way?

Surely, your children are in part reacting to your own negativity
and frustration with the situation. Maybe if you all agreed ahead
of time that for a few days life was going to be different they
would find they spend more quality time with their grandmother and
achieve a better relationship with her (and that's the trade-off for
rules) or maybe they'll continue to hate the rules... who knows? If
you tell them it's bad though, they'll likely agree without
question. If you hand your mother your children to look after,
expect her to respect your views, but don't respect HERS, what will
your children take away from that? How do you think that makes your
mother feel?

I'm sure it's very frustrating and disheartening and I don't envy
your situation. I wish you and your family all the best and I hope
it works out in the end.

Hugs,
Robin

Meridith Richardson

Wow! Great post Robin!

--- rshoulla <rshoulla@...> wrote:

> >>When I chose to [insert any of your choices as a
> parent], it was a
> slap in my mom's face
> because she raised me "just fine" the way she did
> it<<
>
> If I may interject, I read with interest the various
> posts. I think
> the above statement is likely the core root of the
> issue and really
> the only one worth addressing if you want to salvage
> the
> relationship with your mother.
> It sounds to me like maybe, at the heart of it all,
> your mother may
> simply have some hurt feelings about your style of
> parenting because
> it is so vastly different from her own and it leaves
> her wondering
> what was wrong with the way you were raised.
>
> I doubt you'll ever convince her your way is "right"
> because it will
> probably always mean to her that her way was
> "wrong." Maybe you
> should consider your own upbringing and find a
> gentle way to
> reassure her. (Of course, you may believe she was a
> TERRIBLE mother,
> in which case I wouldn't ever say such if you want a
> good
> relationship with her.)
>
> I agree, however, that it is unrealistic to expect
> her to actually
> practise your parenting style. She can respect it
> without agreeing
> with it or liking it and that's the only thing
> that's realistic to
> expect.
>
> As for your children, I know there are often fears
> from outside
> unschooling about how children will learn to adjust
> to a more
> structured world, in work and other environments.
> Perhaps you could
> all look at these visits as a grand experiment in
> living "on the
> other side" so they can decide for themselves if
> some of these rules
> are really so bad (without your editorial) or if
> they open them up
> for other opportunities... After all, if your
> daughter did one day
> decide to be a lawyer, she'd be bound by lots and
> lots of rules.
> Maybe she'll decide she never wants to be bound by
> such a strict
> environment or maybe she'll feel she can make the
> trade to attain
> other goals... in any case, I really think this is a
> great chance to
> see how "the other half lives" and decide on their
> own what it means
> to them. Besides, we all have to follow SOME rules
> SOMETIMES - like
> when we drive a car, for instance, and maybe you can
> explain it that
> way?
>
> Surely, your children are in part reacting to your
> own negativity
> and frustration with the situation. Maybe if you
> all agreed ahead
> of time that for a few days life was going to be
> different they
> would find they spend more quality time with their
> grandmother and
> achieve a better relationship with her (and that's
> the trade-off for
> rules) or maybe they'll continue to hate the
> rules... who knows? If
> you tell them it's bad though, they'll likely agree
> without
> question. If you hand your mother your children to
> look after,
> expect her to respect your views, but don't respect
> HERS, what will
> your children take away from that? How do you think
> that makes your
> mother feel?
>
> I'm sure it's very frustrating and disheartening and
> I don't envy
> your situation. I wish you and your family all the
> best and I hope
> it works out in the end.
>
> Hugs,
> Robin
>
>


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