balancing wants and needs
Maisha Khalfani
This question is geared towards those with many children close in age, but of course, anyone can answer (wisdom comes from all sources I say)
How can I balance the wants and needs of 5 children? Part of my anger and frustration comes from feeling overwhelmed at attempting to meet the needs of a teenager, and four children ages 8, 7, 3, and 1. I just don't feel like I can hack it. Rohana wants to tell me about her day at school. Safiya wants to spend time alone with mom (so does everyone). Dakari wants me to help him on the computer. Khalid wants me to pick him up. Khidar wants to nurse.....and this can all happen at the same time!!! And let's not add in the husband factor! I'm sure part of the solution is getting some time alone to myself. But it seems as if someone always needs my time and so I can't get any time to myself. *sigh* I need help balancing this out.
What do I do when everyone wants me at once? Who do I *pick* first and how? Safiya thinks I talk to Rohana more. Rohana thinks I talk to Safiya more. Khalid is always kind of left to his own devices....and on and on. It feels like chaos when the kids are up late....actually it just feels like chaos all day everyday.
There's constant bickering about who-had-what toy first, and who gets to play with it. They all want my attention but they don't all want to do the same things together, and honestly I feel like I'm just losing it here. It's like there are just too many people for me to handle, and I've never been particularly good at handling lots of people.
Anyway....how do you do it? With so many children, or so many small children? I'm open to all help, crticism, and advice.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
---------------------------------
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How can I balance the wants and needs of 5 children? Part of my anger and frustration comes from feeling overwhelmed at attempting to meet the needs of a teenager, and four children ages 8, 7, 3, and 1. I just don't feel like I can hack it. Rohana wants to tell me about her day at school. Safiya wants to spend time alone with mom (so does everyone). Dakari wants me to help him on the computer. Khalid wants me to pick him up. Khidar wants to nurse.....and this can all happen at the same time!!! And let's not add in the husband factor! I'm sure part of the solution is getting some time alone to myself. But it seems as if someone always needs my time and so I can't get any time to myself. *sigh* I need help balancing this out.
What do I do when everyone wants me at once? Who do I *pick* first and how? Safiya thinks I talk to Rohana more. Rohana thinks I talk to Safiya more. Khalid is always kind of left to his own devices....and on and on. It feels like chaos when the kids are up late....actually it just feels like chaos all day everyday.
There's constant bickering about who-had-what toy first, and who gets to play with it. They all want my attention but they don't all want to do the same things together, and honestly I feel like I'm just losing it here. It's like there are just too many people for me to handle, and I've never been particularly good at handling lots of people.
Anyway....how do you do it? With so many children, or so many small children? I'm open to all help, crticism, and advice.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
---------------------------------
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jane
First, ime, small unschoolers are much more consistently in need of "hands on" than as they get bigger. As each child is different, I won't begin to place an age when they can be somewhat independent, but, I clearly see the difference with my 6, 7, & 9 yo's than with my 2.5 yo. "The big guys" are able to do something without assistance for a while. As yours get older, I bet you'll notice the same thing.
I've also noticed that the bigger guys are better able to either articulate that they need me to do such and such or just that they need me to hang out with them. This really helps too in that I'm not digging for that information, nor are they bickering with each other in an effort to get my attention.
The big guys usually offer to help with their smallest sibling and each other. As one is taller, he can reach more, and does. If the need is something that they can do part of, I ask that they do. I ask for their help when I need it and it's created an amazing interdependence that they rely on as well. Sometimes that leaves me free to help one person.
Oh, but there are times when everyone needs me at once still. When that happens, I try to articulate what I'm doing so that all know they're not left out. "I'm going downstairs to start the Barney tape, then I'll be back up to get your sandwich. Then I'll find the markers and Batman's head.". I also articulate where I am. "OK, Barney's on. Sandwich next.". That seems to help all of us in that they know where I am on the to do list and that they aren't forgotten.
It has really helped to figure out exactly what overwhelms me. I don't like being crowded with demands. So, I'll ask for space and articulate that I'm getting overwhelmed. Usually this prompts someone to ask if they can help. Sometimes just hearing that helps. I don't like not being able to put my feet on the floor (i.e. someone standing in my way) so I'll point and say, "I'm going that way.". That helps.
I've also started to make more of a concerted effort to connect with each child as we go through our day, depending on what we're doing. I might choose to sit with my 9 yo if he agrees, while he's playing a video game. I'll observe what my 7 & 6 yo's are playing with and how and ask a question or two or offer to build something, if it's not interrupting. I've also been known to sing that Barney tape (Lord only knows after so many viewings I know the words by heart!!) and do some of the dances which allows me to reconnect with our 2.5 yo. All of this has eased that we need you NOW thing which can send me reeling and actually leaves me feeling far less overwhelmed. When we're connected, I honestly find that life isn't so overwhelming after all.
I try to recognize moments during the day that I do have to myself too. For instance, food prep is usually a solo activity, so I enjoy that. I'm able to close the bathroom door now, so that's a few moments I grab as well.
Finally, at the end of they day, you are just one person and there are a finite number of things you can do either at once or in a day. Trying to do everything all the time isn't a realistic expectation of you nor of your tribe. Feel free to come and marvel over our mound of laundry that used to be our pool table, lol!!
Hth!!!
I'm sending you hugs,
Jane
Jane Powell
Tribe's Partner
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi
"There is no right way to do the wrong thing." - unknown
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I've also noticed that the bigger guys are better able to either articulate that they need me to do such and such or just that they need me to hang out with them. This really helps too in that I'm not digging for that information, nor are they bickering with each other in an effort to get my attention.
The big guys usually offer to help with their smallest sibling and each other. As one is taller, he can reach more, and does. If the need is something that they can do part of, I ask that they do. I ask for their help when I need it and it's created an amazing interdependence that they rely on as well. Sometimes that leaves me free to help one person.
Oh, but there are times when everyone needs me at once still. When that happens, I try to articulate what I'm doing so that all know they're not left out. "I'm going downstairs to start the Barney tape, then I'll be back up to get your sandwich. Then I'll find the markers and Batman's head.". I also articulate where I am. "OK, Barney's on. Sandwich next.". That seems to help all of us in that they know where I am on the to do list and that they aren't forgotten.
It has really helped to figure out exactly what overwhelms me. I don't like being crowded with demands. So, I'll ask for space and articulate that I'm getting overwhelmed. Usually this prompts someone to ask if they can help. Sometimes just hearing that helps. I don't like not being able to put my feet on the floor (i.e. someone standing in my way) so I'll point and say, "I'm going that way.". That helps.
I've also started to make more of a concerted effort to connect with each child as we go through our day, depending on what we're doing. I might choose to sit with my 9 yo if he agrees, while he's playing a video game. I'll observe what my 7 & 6 yo's are playing with and how and ask a question or two or offer to build something, if it's not interrupting. I've also been known to sing that Barney tape (Lord only knows after so many viewings I know the words by heart!!) and do some of the dances which allows me to reconnect with our 2.5 yo. All of this has eased that we need you NOW thing which can send me reeling and actually leaves me feeling far less overwhelmed. When we're connected, I honestly find that life isn't so overwhelming after all.
I try to recognize moments during the day that I do have to myself too. For instance, food prep is usually a solo activity, so I enjoy that. I'm able to close the bathroom door now, so that's a few moments I grab as well.
Finally, at the end of they day, you are just one person and there are a finite number of things you can do either at once or in a day. Trying to do everything all the time isn't a realistic expectation of you nor of your tribe. Feel free to come and marvel over our mound of laundry that used to be our pool table, lol!!
Hth!!!
I'm sending you hugs,
Jane
Jane Powell
Tribe's Partner
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi
"There is no right way to do the wrong thing." - unknown
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tami Campbell
--- Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...> wrote:
I'm sure part of the
I have felt this way a lot over the past few years. We adopted our son, then found out I was
pregnant while in Cambodia getting him. Then, we had another baby exactly 2 years (to the day)
after our second. Both our biological children where shocks, because we werent supposed to be able
to have any. Suddenly, I had 3 children under the age of 3 1/2 and I was not prepared for this.
I am the type of person that requires A LOT of alone time/quiet in order to function well, and I
was NOT getting it! This past year, I came up with a solution that works well for our family (but
may not be practical or acceptable for everyone). I am a morning person and have no problem
getting up early. My kids are night owls, but since they knew mom was up early, felt they needed
to get up early too. Oftentimes, they would go to bed after me and then try to get up early as
well. They were not getting the sleep they needed, and I was not getting my alone time that I
needed. So, once they were old enough to understand the concept of time and learned their
numbers, I bought an alarm clock for their room. We discussed how they needed to get more sleep
in the mornings (since we don't have limits on bedtimes and they go to sleep so late), and I told
them they needed to stay in their room until 8:00 am (when the first number says either "8" or
"9"). To ease the transistion for them, I told them I didn't care what time they woke up, but they
had to stay in their room until 8. If they work up earlier, they could play quietly or "read" or
whatever.
This "permission" was all they needed. They no longer felt like they *had* to be up the minute I
was up. It was okay for them to sleep in, or lounge in their beds, or play quietly until they
felt like joining me. Things in our house changed for the better almost immediately. Whereas
before, they would stumble out of bed half asleep and cranky, now they usually sleep until 8:30 or
9:30 and are *happy* when they get up.
As for me, I drag my butt out of bed every morning between 5:00 am and 5:30 am. It's VERY hard
some days, but its necessary to get my "me time". I have my coffee, write in my journal, read
email, etc. Then, I get ready, do some laundry and by the time the boys wake up, I feel ready for
the day with them. (Although my dd, who just turned 2, is usually up at 6:30 am with me - she's a
morning person also :-). On the rare days that I don't get up, I always regret it. Understanding
my needs (having time alone each day) and choosing to meet those needs for myself has made an
improvement in all our lives. Before, I felt like I was going crazy and I was an insane parent,
because I was not getting something my soul genuinly needed. I can honestly say I am parenting
much better these days.
-Tami
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I'm sure part of the
> solution is getting some time alone to myself. But it seems as if someone always needs my time*******
> and so I can't get any time to myself. *sigh* I need help balancing this out.
I have felt this way a lot over the past few years. We adopted our son, then found out I was
pregnant while in Cambodia getting him. Then, we had another baby exactly 2 years (to the day)
after our second. Both our biological children where shocks, because we werent supposed to be able
to have any. Suddenly, I had 3 children under the age of 3 1/2 and I was not prepared for this.
I am the type of person that requires A LOT of alone time/quiet in order to function well, and I
was NOT getting it! This past year, I came up with a solution that works well for our family (but
may not be practical or acceptable for everyone). I am a morning person and have no problem
getting up early. My kids are night owls, but since they knew mom was up early, felt they needed
to get up early too. Oftentimes, they would go to bed after me and then try to get up early as
well. They were not getting the sleep they needed, and I was not getting my alone time that I
needed. So, once they were old enough to understand the concept of time and learned their
numbers, I bought an alarm clock for their room. We discussed how they needed to get more sleep
in the mornings (since we don't have limits on bedtimes and they go to sleep so late), and I told
them they needed to stay in their room until 8:00 am (when the first number says either "8" or
"9"). To ease the transistion for them, I told them I didn't care what time they woke up, but they
had to stay in their room until 8. If they work up earlier, they could play quietly or "read" or
whatever.
This "permission" was all they needed. They no longer felt like they *had* to be up the minute I
was up. It was okay for them to sleep in, or lounge in their beds, or play quietly until they
felt like joining me. Things in our house changed for the better almost immediately. Whereas
before, they would stumble out of bed half asleep and cranky, now they usually sleep until 8:30 or
9:30 and are *happy* when they get up.
As for me, I drag my butt out of bed every morning between 5:00 am and 5:30 am. It's VERY hard
some days, but its necessary to get my "me time". I have my coffee, write in my journal, read
email, etc. Then, I get ready, do some laundry and by the time the boys wake up, I feel ready for
the day with them. (Although my dd, who just turned 2, is usually up at 6:30 am with me - she's a
morning person also :-). On the rare days that I don't get up, I always regret it. Understanding
my needs (having time alone each day) and choosing to meet those needs for myself has made an
improvement in all our lives. Before, I felt like I was going crazy and I was an insane parent,
because I was not getting something my soul genuinly needed. I can honestly say I am parenting
much better these days.
-Tami
__________________________________________________
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Joyce Fetteroll
On Dec 15, 2006, at 1:15 AM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:
all" ;-) As soon as a problem comes into our scope we feel we need to
be the ones to solve it regardless of how thin we're spread.
How about shifting mental gears to being the facilitator of your
children's problem solving? Rather than getting upset that you can't
be everything to everyone, accept that you can't. And then ask them
to help find solutions. Part of the message that is sending is "I'm
here for you. Your needs are important to me. How can we work
together to get them met?"
Right now they aren't going to be the best at it because they feel
attention is a limited commodity and they need to fight for what
little they get so they aren't going to be very giving. But accept
that too.
I've seen women who are great at this and I keep the images of them
in mind when I feel myself being pulled thin. With 3 kids coming at
them all wanting something, they have this calm acceptance that
they're just one person and can't solve everything immediately. That
calm acceptance that being one person when three is needed is just a
real life limitation is I think part of the magic.
The difference between the "Do it all" mom and the "Acceptance of
being just one person" mom is that the "Do it all" mom when faced
with a child upset because it's raining thinks "How in the world does
he expect me to stop the rain?" but the "Acceptance" mom will
sympathize with the feelings because she knows there isn't anything
she can do about the rain (she might also offer other suggestions but
the main point is the *real* problem is the child's upsetness, not
the rain).
you can get away for an hour or so a week, that should help. That
probably seems impossible, but ask people here what ideas they've
used to make it happen.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> What do I do when everyone wants me at once? Who do I *pick* firstThere's this syndrome that most moms suffer with. It's called "Do it
> and how?
all" ;-) As soon as a problem comes into our scope we feel we need to
be the ones to solve it regardless of how thin we're spread.
How about shifting mental gears to being the facilitator of your
children's problem solving? Rather than getting upset that you can't
be everything to everyone, accept that you can't. And then ask them
to help find solutions. Part of the message that is sending is "I'm
here for you. Your needs are important to me. How can we work
together to get them met?"
Right now they aren't going to be the best at it because they feel
attention is a limited commodity and they need to fight for what
little they get so they aren't going to be very giving. But accept
that too.
I've seen women who are great at this and I keep the images of them
in mind when I feel myself being pulled thin. With 3 kids coming at
them all wanting something, they have this calm acceptance that
they're just one person and can't solve everything immediately. That
calm acceptance that being one person when three is needed is just a
real life limitation is I think part of the magic.
The difference between the "Do it all" mom and the "Acceptance of
being just one person" mom is that the "Do it all" mom when faced
with a child upset because it's raining thinks "How in the world does
he expect me to stop the rain?" but the "Acceptance" mom will
sympathize with the feelings because she knows there isn't anything
she can do about the rain (she might also offer other suggestions but
the main point is the *real* problem is the child's upsetness, not
the rain).
> I could definitely use a vacation from everyone. Is that a bad thing?Not a bad thing. It's a symptom of spreading yourself too thin. If
you can get away for an hour or so a week, that should help. That
probably seems impossible, but ask people here what ideas they've
used to make it happen.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ginger Sabo
Maisha,
Just took a look at your blog! Cool stuff!!!
First thing I noticed is that you moved. I know from my moves that my kids are good at change, but still need to make sure that I'm a constant and that I'm not going to change. You've had a lot more demands with unpacking and getting things ready for the holidays. My guess it that this demand for you will become more bearable once things settle down a bit.
All this assumes that they didn't vie for your attention before all the changes started to happen!
Hope your sis had a beautiful wedding!!!
In Peace,
Ginger
Kai(7) and Kade(5)
LOVE has impact.
"It's not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept and celebrate those differences." - Audre Lorde
----- Original Message ----
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, December 15, 2006 12:15:08 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] balancing wants and needs
This question is geared towards those with many children close in age, but of course, anyone can answer (wisdom comes from all sources I say)
How can I balance the wants and needs of 5 children? Part of my anger and frustration comes from feeling overwhelmed at attempting to meet the needs of a teenager, and four children ages 8, 7, 3, and 1. I just don't feel like I can hack it. Rohana wants to tell me about her day at school. Safiya wants to spend time alone with mom (so does everyone). Dakari wants me to help him on the computer. Khalid wants me to pick him up. Khidar wants to nurse.....and this can all happen at the same time!!! And let's not add in the husband factor! I'm sure part of the solution is getting some time alone to myself. But it seems as if someone always needs my time and so I can't get any time to myself. *sigh* I need help balancing this out.
What do I do when everyone wants me at once? Who do I *pick* first and how? Safiya thinks I talk to Rohana more. Rohana thinks I talk to Safiya more. Khalid is always kind of left to his own devices....and on and on. It feels like chaos when the kids are up late....actually it just feels like chaos all day everyday.
There's constant bickering about who-had-what toy first, and who gets to play with it. They all want my attention but they don't all want to do the same things together, and honestly I feel like I'm just losing it here. It's like there are just too many people for me to handle, and I've never been particularly good at handling lots of people.
Anyway....how do you do it? With so many children, or so many small children? I'm open to all help, crticism, and advice.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifami lyadventures. blogspot. com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
------------ --------- --------- ---
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Just took a look at your blog! Cool stuff!!!
First thing I noticed is that you moved. I know from my moves that my kids are good at change, but still need to make sure that I'm a constant and that I'm not going to change. You've had a lot more demands with unpacking and getting things ready for the holidays. My guess it that this demand for you will become more bearable once things settle down a bit.
All this assumes that they didn't vie for your attention before all the changes started to happen!
Hope your sis had a beautiful wedding!!!
In Peace,
Ginger
Kai(7) and Kade(5)
LOVE has impact.
"It's not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept and celebrate those differences." - Audre Lorde
----- Original Message ----
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, December 15, 2006 12:15:08 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] balancing wants and needs
This question is geared towards those with many children close in age, but of course, anyone can answer (wisdom comes from all sources I say)
How can I balance the wants and needs of 5 children? Part of my anger and frustration comes from feeling overwhelmed at attempting to meet the needs of a teenager, and four children ages 8, 7, 3, and 1. I just don't feel like I can hack it. Rohana wants to tell me about her day at school. Safiya wants to spend time alone with mom (so does everyone). Dakari wants me to help him on the computer. Khalid wants me to pick him up. Khidar wants to nurse.....and this can all happen at the same time!!! And let's not add in the husband factor! I'm sure part of the solution is getting some time alone to myself. But it seems as if someone always needs my time and so I can't get any time to myself. *sigh* I need help balancing this out.
What do I do when everyone wants me at once? Who do I *pick* first and how? Safiya thinks I talk to Rohana more. Rohana thinks I talk to Safiya more. Khalid is always kind of left to his own devices....and on and on. It feels like chaos when the kids are up late....actually it just feels like chaos all day everyday.
There's constant bickering about who-had-what toy first, and who gets to play with it. They all want my attention but they don't all want to do the same things together, and honestly I feel like I'm just losing it here. It's like there are just too many people for me to handle, and I've never been particularly good at handling lots of people.
Anyway....how do you do it? With so many children, or so many small children? I'm open to all help, crticism, and advice.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifami lyadventures. blogspot. com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
------------ --------- --------- ---
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maisha Khalfani
Kendrah Nilsestuen <carebear-79@...> wrote:
.
Hi Maisha,
When i read your post i thought of this that i read many months ago on
a Scott Noelle website. Hope it comes through okay. He believes in high
responsive AP so this is not to say you shouldn't meed requests, it
just gives you a different way to look at all those 'demands'.
I only have two young kiddos and know how busy i am so i feel for you!!
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/demanding
****************************************************************
thanks kendra. i love scott's website. i've been there before but i hadn't seen this article. i'll have to keep working on changing my mindset - and seeing the world through new glasses, as jane said.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
.
Hi Maisha,
When i read your post i thought of this that i read many months ago on
a Scott Noelle website. Hope it comes through okay. He believes in high
responsive AP so this is not to say you shouldn't meed requests, it
just gives you a different way to look at all those 'demands'.
I only have two young kiddos and know how busy i am so i feel for you!!
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/demanding
****************************************************************
thanks kendra. i love scott's website. i've been there before but i hadn't seen this article. i'll have to keep working on changing my mindset - and seeing the world through new glasses, as jane said.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maisha Khalfani
Tami Campbell <Tamicamp@...> wrote:
I am the type of person that requires A LOT of alone time/quiet in order to function well, and I
was NOT getting it!
.
***************************************************************
yep - that's me! right now i attempt to do the same thing - get up early. it's what usually works for me. i was getting into the groove of getting up early and meditating before we lost our home. i found that the days when i didn't do that i was pretty darn cranky. of course then i would get aggravated when someone else woke up! lol clearly i'm starving for alone time. i'll have to see about having a friend watch the kids so i can be alone with my thoughts.
thanks for the advice.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am the type of person that requires A LOT of alone time/quiet in order to function well, and I
was NOT getting it!
.
***************************************************************
yep - that's me! right now i attempt to do the same thing - get up early. it's what usually works for me. i was getting into the groove of getting up early and meditating before we lost our home. i found that the days when i didn't do that i was pretty darn cranky. of course then i would get aggravated when someone else woke up! lol clearly i'm starving for alone time. i'll have to see about having a friend watch the kids so i can be alone with my thoughts.
thanks for the advice.
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maisha Khalfani
ask people here what ideas they've
used to make it happen.
Joyce
**************************************************************
okay.....suggestions please. i'm sure i'm not the only mom who needs them <g>
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
used to make it happen.
Joyce
**************************************************************
okay.....suggestions please. i'm sure i'm not the only mom who needs them <g>
Namaste
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com
"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life" ~ The Dalai Lama
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]