At a loss
[email protected]
Robyn Coburn, who no longer posts here at UB had a similar situation. I
asked for her suggestions. Here's her response:
Robyn:
4 first-step solutions - imho :)
1. The time has come to speak to the other children's parents about some
limits on the time being spent. They are using this mom as free child
care
for the little one.
Plus they are using her house as therapy for the little boys post
school day
angst.
One phrase that conventional parents tend to get is "we need some family
time."
A long time ago the first thing I did was say "one kid at a time". That
has
its own problems - they got very hung up on taking turns, but Jayn only
wanted one all the time, not the other. If the dd in this case likes
both
kids, it is worth putting the onus on the other family to work out how
they
divide the (much reduced) time.
2. Talk to dd honestly about mom's feelings. It is ok and right to
acknowledge that you have negative feelings about the impact of this
little
boy in your life. Just because it is "not all about me" (and it sounds
like
her son is being negatively effected too and trying to give a hint in
that
direction) does not mean that it must be "I don't matter at all".
3. Just because you don't have rules in your house, doesn't mean every
other
child knows how to respond in a principled manner. These kids evidently
need
consideration and courtesy expressed as rules, in a firm manner.
4. The dd needs more and other friends. More out of the house at
outings,
playdates, museums (go on the free days), h/s park days.
This ties back with #1 - telling the other mom that you will not be
available on thus and such a day.
Here is the post I made when I came to the decision that I needed to
protect
my dd from a neighbor child recently. I had given it a fair trial of 2.5
years, and it was because of Jayn's clearly manifested huge stress in
the
form of extraordinary behavioral changes. As it turned out Jayn's
problem
behaviors vanished within days. I now am convinced that she was asking
to be
rescued.
For us it had to be a complete cut off. It has worked out well, since I
sent
a letter to the parents. At first there was a lot of resentment being
expressed in the form of mean songs being sung and dark looks - the mom
actually encouraged her son to sing mean rhyming songs at Jayn and
smirked
about it. After the letter I sent, which was not blaming or accusatory,
they
now just pretty much ignore us, and we them. Jayn has new friends, who
ironically are 5 and 3 - and are the dearest little children. But their
Mom
is inspirationally mindful too.
Quote begins:
<<< After some two and a half years of painful observation, occasional
posts, and a lot of heart searching and self questioning (which
continues)
James and I have decided to take a tough stand and stop all contact
between
Jayn (6.5) and our neighbor from along the balcony, a girl two years
older.
I have posted in the past about how I had tried to limit contact by
keeping
Jayn very busy and out–and-about, with the probably inevitable result
that
Jayn simply became more and more obsessed with playing with “R” at every
opportunity, including abandoning a visitor. Following the painful
realization that limiting didn’t “work”, I hoped that just letting Jayn
play
with her would allow Jayn to get it out of her system. Some time later,
it
wasn’t happening and Jayn was starting to change and be harmed by the
friendship.
Jayn’s intense preoccupation with swimming with R, playing with R,
talking
about R, wanting to go home in order to see if R was home, suddenly
refusing
to go to planned events if R said she “might” be available later, was
starting to have a deleterious effect on Jayn’s desire and ability to
engage
with many of her other friends. It was very disturbing. However that
wasn’t
the most serious problem.
Over time I became increasingly uncomfortable with what I observe is
R’s
negative influence on Jayn – she was bringing schoolish peer-centered
values
and the detritus of authoritarian parenting into our home. She was
teaching
Jayn to be distrustful of adults, including or especially James and I.
She
was modeling manipulative speech, bribery and sneakiness. Irritatingly,
she
kept offering to “teach” Jayn things like how to do math or read – with
the
clear insinuation that Jayn was lacking (Jayn said always said no in
favor
of playing other games). She would tell me that I should be “making
Jayn” do
certain things like tidy her own toys. She continued to try and engage
Jayn
in whispered conversations to keep secrets, including not telling that
R had
a cold. (We don’t allow sick kids to visit, and she *and her parents*
know
it.) She still kept trying to get Jayn to go to the bathroom with her.
She
still, after 2 years, kept trying (without success because I would
instantly
tell her to stop) to invent games that would let her put her hands down
Jayn’s swimsuit if she thought I wasn’t looking.
She continued to wage an ongoing, relentless campaign belittling her
own
little brother whenever possible, especially if Jayn showed any sign of
being interested in playing with him. (These siblings are constantly at
war,
competing for a thing just because the other has it, and both very
adept in
manipulating situations so that the other one gets into trouble.) I feel
like *such* an *idiot* for not seeing that this was the cause of Jayn’s
inexplicable sudden antipathy to him last fall, despite them playing
well
together often in the past. This was starting to spill over into Jayn’s
behavior and treatment of other boys, and men, as well.
Jayn often appeared to be under stress after a play date, or a swim
session. Swimming with the whole group was always particularly
stressful and
punctuated with near continual exhausting conflicts, and R encouraging
Jayn
to be mean to her brother and join her in taunting him. After any swim
or
play date Jayn would be wild, antsy, angry seeming. It took me a while
to
see the correlation with a longish time with R of an afternoon (and
recall
that this “long time” is relative, since R is schooled) and Jayn’s
really
unpleasant manifestations of what I thought was merely 6.5 year old
angst. I
mean she would be violent, angry and particularly nasty verbally and
physically to her father, just beyond anything remotely expected.
The final straw was during what turned out to be the final play date
just
over two weeks ago, when I came out from the other room to find Jayn
opening
a package of fabric paints, and behaving very furtively about it.
Furtive.
Sneaky. Startling when I came in and acting guilty. My point here is
that
this is an undesirable learned behavior. They were Jayn’s paints and
she was
completely free to open them and use them whenever she wanted. She has
absolutely zero reason to be fearful of James or I, or behave sneakily,
yet
this other rotten apple was tainting Jayn with her sadly negative
experiences of adults in her life.
I have never liked R, although we all liked her little brother when we
first met him. (I’ve gone off him a bit since he started advising me to
spank Jayn to “make her” be nicer. They find it hard to fathom that
Jayn is
never punished.) I feared that I was just being prejudiced against her
because she is schooled, in the sense that I really want the majority of
Jayn’s friendships to be with home schooled and mindfully parented
children
while she is so young especially. These are also the parents that I
feel I
can have pleasant relationships with, which is not the case with R’s
parents. I felt so sorry for R because I know she is sometimes spanked,
often shamed, treated with distrust and all the commonplace
mistreatments of
conventional parenting. I have noticed her somewhat mean spirited
destructiveness in the past – like deliberately pouring out all the
paint
down the sink in the guise of tidying up. She and her brother have been
proven careless of borrowed toys too (so “no more loans” was instituted
as
policy a while back.).
Yet in all of this I was so ambivalent. I knew that my essentially
dishonest
limiting strategy (not that the dishonesty was intentional) had failed.
I
felt desperate to do something differently. It seemed somehow wrong,
somehow
against every mindful philosophy to not trust Jayn to see the negatives
of
this other horrible child. I was being eaten up with anxiety. I was
being
excessively watchful, anticipating problems which R must surely have
felt
(probably felt normal to her). I was utterly dreading the school summer
vacation. Stress and resentment were emanating from me, tainting every
waking moment that I was at home. I was haranguing James about moving
house.
(He is a saint!) But this wasn’t a negative portrayal on a tv show,
this was
a real person that Jayn had often expressed affection for.
Suddenly it came to me in a huge flash that I had never shared my
misgivings about R’s character or behavior with Jayn. I was living a
giant
lie between myself and my precious dd that this other girl was OK.
Sure James and I had put a stop to individual behaviors as they
occurred,
like telling R not to take Jayn to the bathroom, or to ask for a drink,
and
not just root around nosily in our fridge. He was especially good at
dealing
with swimming session crapola.
But if it *was* a negative portrayal on a tv show I *would* talk about
why.
I have done that very thing. I have expressed my concerns and advice
about
other things we have seen or read or heard or that Jayn wanted to do
that
were dangerous or scary or counter to our values and principles. Yet I
felt
like it was unfair or different to express these increasingly strong
feelings about a person.
Finally, I have told Jayn that I don’t like R, and described some of the
issues I felt she was bringing in to our lives that were negative. I
told
her the relationship would have to end. I was ready to
accept/support/validate her anger and resentment for as long as needed.
Jayn
was thunderstruck and seemed initially deeply hurt, but then she got
over it
astonishingly quickly after only the briefest cry. I apologized for not
being fully honest with her (my other *huge* concern – fortunately her
trust
in me seems to be restored). I also told her that we (Daddy and I) felt
extremely strongly about this decision to take such an extraordinary
step,
which should be clear since we do give her so much freedom of choice in
her
daily life. And she apparently understood that too.
I realized that if Jayn were about to drink poison, I wouldn’t just
say,
“That’s a bad idea.” I would take it from her as forcibly as necessary,
and
then explain. In fact I used this analogy – which Jayn got instantly –
in
one of the subsequent conversations we have had over the last two and a
bit
weeks about why Daddy and I were instituting this extreme restriction
into
her life.
The results of saying “no more” have been amazingly, startlingly
(thankfully) good.
There were a couple of crying moments, especially when Jayn saw the
others
swimming and wanted to swim with them. However it was quite literally
only a
couple of times that she argued half-heartedly with our dictate – and
then
became extraordinarily cheerful after she accepted the “no”. More
surprise
for me at this additional relatively calm reaction. I can’t prove it,
but
I’m starting to sense that Jayn was glad to be rescued.
Jayn’s behavior and treatment of us has been markedly improved – kinder,
more willing to play with us, more affectionate especially towards
James. I
have had to do a lot more swimming but that’s a good thing, and we have
made
many efforts to be out of the house at interesting places in the crucial
mid-afternoon period of big group swims. Jayn has apparently embraced
playing with her other friends (of a range of ages) with gusto, and I am
seeing much less of the “mean to boys” stuff. She is still loud and
sometimes has a hard time settling in the evening, needing big
movements and
to push on us physically – but it is less often and less intense.
Some of Jayn’s games have been regressions to things she liked to do a
year
or more ago (like she feels freer to do these babyish things without
being
judged maybe?) and I have been playing a lot more Barbie and similar
games
than I had been recently. I have redoubled my efforts to be available
to her
(which is one part of why you have seen so little of me on line), and
so has
James.
I should also say that one of the reasons that this came to head just
now
has been a development in our sleeping schedule. Hold on to your hats,
those
who have been cognizant of our round the clock creep of the last few
years.
We have been “holding” at going to sleep around 3-3.30am and getting up
between 11 and 1.30 every day for NINE weeks – two whole months of
regularity. However the flip side of this has been that without our
nights
or super early to bed weeks we had been regularly available to R in the
afternoons after she had done her homework. The whole problem might have
been clearer and more readily apparent if we had not had those times of
respite.
There is plenty here to beat myself up over. But at the heart of it is
my
regret that I wasn’t clearer and more honest about my feelings with
Jayn. I
wasn’t listening to my heart – or rather was being too high minded to
listen
to my heart fully. Or something. I would hate this to be taken as an
endorsement of limiting our child’s choices, yet that is what I am
doing –
consciously and mindfully. I’m still conflicted in some ways. I doubt
this
will be the last person Jayn likes that I may not. But she’s so young
still….but…but….hard stuff.
Maybe in the fullness of time Jayn would have become sated. Maybe R
would
have done some horrible, hurtful thing and Jayn would have rejected
her. But
this was more like a frog in a pot – slowly getting boiled without
realizing
it. I keep coming back to the poison analogy, and recalling the fact
that I
think 2.5 years is a pretty fair trial.
Also Jayn is clearly happier, and seems to be returning to the pure
sweetness she used to have, although she is still very wary whenever she
sees R’s brother particularly.
OTOH, R is walking around these days with a thunderous scowl. Jayn
unfortunately told her that I “didn’t want them to be best friends
anymore”
when she came to the door one day. True as that is, I had been
practicing
avoidance (procrastination), while I determined a strategy for speaking
to
her mother – I was thinking something along the lines of them “not
being a
good fit anymore as R was getting more mature” and our needing to focus
more
on our home schooled associates. She has been defensive and combative
when I
have tried to express concerns about R’s behavior in the past, and I
daresay
she will be sorry to lose the absolute convenience of sending R down the
hall instead of having to take her to a friend’s place. R is missing
Jayn’s
toys too I’m sure. But she will be in summer day camp soon and will
surely
cheer up then.
It was not my intention to hurt R’s feelings – I had just said a couple
of
times that Jayn wasn’t available when R came to the door. Now mother is
averting her face when she passes us in the pool. At least they aren’t
hitting me up for my precious quarters every washday anymore. I wonder
if I
will ever again see my copy of “Punished by Rewards”. Small price to
pay.
on my
local U/S list.
<<<It is the concept of restricting their contact today, rather than
continuing to watch and wait and spend every day suppressing my anguish,
that I have a certain amount of inner conflict about - but increasingly
less
stress every day as we continue. (Is "increasingly less" a real phrase?
YKWIM hopefully.)
I realize too that much of the ambivalence was more to do with *my
assumptions* about what expectations of me other people in the RU
community
might have - applying the theory in a very difficult practical
situation -
as I continue to work through this here and on other lists.
I am kinda wondering whether I was failing Unschooling, or Unschooling
was
failing me on this issue. In passing I will mention that James has none
of
these doubts - he is absolutely convinced 100% that we are doing the
right
thing, and wishes we did it sooner.
In the end it is something that is a "whole family" problem - and as
important and focal to our (James and my) lives as Jayn is, our family
happiness as a whole is the crucial deciding issue. Having a peaceful,
happy
home is priority one. It is when in situations of conflicting needs I
fail
to mentally ask the question, "What action will bring the most peace and
create the most happiness?" that I make poorer choices.
Other internal scripts include "What loving action can I make right
now?"
when Jayn is distressed, and "What is the behavior I would wish to
see?" to
remind myself to model it. The moment I forget my scripts the more
bogus my
choices tend to be, the less Ease and Serenity in all our lives!
I have received a lot of very welcome feedback and support here, on
other
lists and privately. The most warmly expressed approbation has come from
people who have been through something similar with a child that was a
toxic
invading presence in their family.
OTOH, some responses have come from people who clearly have never had
the
same experience, and while they are kindly sympathetic, they tend to be
full
of suggestions for strategies that I have already been aaaaall the way
through over the past 2 years.
The only thing I wish someone had said to me was, "Tell your dd how
negatively you feel about her friend honestly and openly." That was the
advice I could have used a long time ago and in the interim. >>>
Finally, here is a copy of the letter I sent to the other parents. It
may be
less relevant to the situation, but maybe a letter will be needed to the
other mom in this case too.
<<<<<Dear T. and K.,
Being increasingly uncomfortable since I have not spoken to you about
the
decision that James and I made some weeks ago to restrict Jayn from
contact
with R, I have decided to write this brief note to explain. I hope you
will
read it.
For some time we had been concerned that as R matured, she and Jayn were
just not a good fit as playmates anymore. It was not that R’s behavior
was
“bad” in any way, but that Jayn was becoming increasingly stressed by
the
relationship, despite her affection for R. Jayn’s stress in the form of
extreme tensional outlets became very noticeable when the two girls were
suddenly spending time together almost every day in the weeks before
school
let out.
After explaining the situation to Jayn, for a couple of days I had been
telling R that Jayn was unavailable. I was looking for the words to
express
to you our belief that Jayn had a problem and that restricting contact
was
the needed solution for the serenity of our family. Unfortunately before
either James or I could speak to you about the fairly drastic step, Jayn
told R, in simplistic words, of our intention that she not be Jayn’s
best
friend any more.
I am sorry for R’s hurt feelings, as that was certainly not my desire.
However we must, as parents, put the welfare of our own children first,
and
while the way she found out was not ideal, the substance of the message
was
correct, and was and is not negotiable.
I’m sure you would agree that it would be too hard on R for Jayn to
have a
relationship with J [brother] and not her. That is one reason why I have
been bringing Jayn in when J comes to the pool or to visit the new
neighbors.
R has mentioned on different occasions that you will soon be moving to
your
own house. It would certainly be lovely for she and J to have their own
personal spaces, and I wish you every success with that endeavor.
I prefer that we can maintain the silent distance that we have developed
until either of our families move, and that there continue to be as
little
communication between our children as possible. >>>>>>
Robyn L. Coburn
________________________________________________________________________
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asked for her suggestions. Here's her response:
Robyn:
4 first-step solutions - imho :)
1. The time has come to speak to the other children's parents about some
limits on the time being spent. They are using this mom as free child
care
for the little one.
Plus they are using her house as therapy for the little boys post
school day
angst.
One phrase that conventional parents tend to get is "we need some family
time."
A long time ago the first thing I did was say "one kid at a time". That
has
its own problems - they got very hung up on taking turns, but Jayn only
wanted one all the time, not the other. If the dd in this case likes
both
kids, it is worth putting the onus on the other family to work out how
they
divide the (much reduced) time.
2. Talk to dd honestly about mom's feelings. It is ok and right to
acknowledge that you have negative feelings about the impact of this
little
boy in your life. Just because it is "not all about me" (and it sounds
like
her son is being negatively effected too and trying to give a hint in
that
direction) does not mean that it must be "I don't matter at all".
3. Just because you don't have rules in your house, doesn't mean every
other
child knows how to respond in a principled manner. These kids evidently
need
consideration and courtesy expressed as rules, in a firm manner.
4. The dd needs more and other friends. More out of the house at
outings,
playdates, museums (go on the free days), h/s park days.
This ties back with #1 - telling the other mom that you will not be
available on thus and such a day.
Here is the post I made when I came to the decision that I needed to
protect
my dd from a neighbor child recently. I had given it a fair trial of 2.5
years, and it was because of Jayn's clearly manifested huge stress in
the
form of extraordinary behavioral changes. As it turned out Jayn's
problem
behaviors vanished within days. I now am convinced that she was asking
to be
rescued.
For us it had to be a complete cut off. It has worked out well, since I
sent
a letter to the parents. At first there was a lot of resentment being
expressed in the form of mean songs being sung and dark looks - the mom
actually encouraged her son to sing mean rhyming songs at Jayn and
smirked
about it. After the letter I sent, which was not blaming or accusatory,
they
now just pretty much ignore us, and we them. Jayn has new friends, who
ironically are 5 and 3 - and are the dearest little children. But their
Mom
is inspirationally mindful too.
Quote begins:
<<< After some two and a half years of painful observation, occasional
posts, and a lot of heart searching and self questioning (which
continues)
James and I have decided to take a tough stand and stop all contact
between
Jayn (6.5) and our neighbor from along the balcony, a girl two years
older.
I have posted in the past about how I had tried to limit contact by
keeping
Jayn very busy and out–and-about, with the probably inevitable result
that
Jayn simply became more and more obsessed with playing with “R” at every
opportunity, including abandoning a visitor. Following the painful
realization that limiting didn’t “work”, I hoped that just letting Jayn
play
with her would allow Jayn to get it out of her system. Some time later,
it
wasn’t happening and Jayn was starting to change and be harmed by the
friendship.
Jayn’s intense preoccupation with swimming with R, playing with R,
talking
about R, wanting to go home in order to see if R was home, suddenly
refusing
to go to planned events if R said she “might” be available later, was
starting to have a deleterious effect on Jayn’s desire and ability to
engage
with many of her other friends. It was very disturbing. However that
wasn’t
the most serious problem.
Over time I became increasingly uncomfortable with what I observe is
R’s
negative influence on Jayn – she was bringing schoolish peer-centered
values
and the detritus of authoritarian parenting into our home. She was
teaching
Jayn to be distrustful of adults, including or especially James and I.
She
was modeling manipulative speech, bribery and sneakiness. Irritatingly,
she
kept offering to “teach” Jayn things like how to do math or read – with
the
clear insinuation that Jayn was lacking (Jayn said always said no in
favor
of playing other games). She would tell me that I should be “making
Jayn” do
certain things like tidy her own toys. She continued to try and engage
Jayn
in whispered conversations to keep secrets, including not telling that
R had
a cold. (We don’t allow sick kids to visit, and she *and her parents*
know
it.) She still kept trying to get Jayn to go to the bathroom with her.
She
still, after 2 years, kept trying (without success because I would
instantly
tell her to stop) to invent games that would let her put her hands down
Jayn’s swimsuit if she thought I wasn’t looking.
She continued to wage an ongoing, relentless campaign belittling her
own
little brother whenever possible, especially if Jayn showed any sign of
being interested in playing with him. (These siblings are constantly at
war,
competing for a thing just because the other has it, and both very
adept in
manipulating situations so that the other one gets into trouble.) I feel
like *such* an *idiot* for not seeing that this was the cause of Jayn’s
inexplicable sudden antipathy to him last fall, despite them playing
well
together often in the past. This was starting to spill over into Jayn’s
behavior and treatment of other boys, and men, as well.
Jayn often appeared to be under stress after a play date, or a swim
session. Swimming with the whole group was always particularly
stressful and
punctuated with near continual exhausting conflicts, and R encouraging
Jayn
to be mean to her brother and join her in taunting him. After any swim
or
play date Jayn would be wild, antsy, angry seeming. It took me a while
to
see the correlation with a longish time with R of an afternoon (and
recall
that this “long time” is relative, since R is schooled) and Jayn’s
really
unpleasant manifestations of what I thought was merely 6.5 year old
angst. I
mean she would be violent, angry and particularly nasty verbally and
physically to her father, just beyond anything remotely expected.
The final straw was during what turned out to be the final play date
just
over two weeks ago, when I came out from the other room to find Jayn
opening
a package of fabric paints, and behaving very furtively about it.
Furtive.
Sneaky. Startling when I came in and acting guilty. My point here is
that
this is an undesirable learned behavior. They were Jayn’s paints and
she was
completely free to open them and use them whenever she wanted. She has
absolutely zero reason to be fearful of James or I, or behave sneakily,
yet
this other rotten apple was tainting Jayn with her sadly negative
experiences of adults in her life.
I have never liked R, although we all liked her little brother when we
first met him. (I’ve gone off him a bit since he started advising me to
spank Jayn to “make her” be nicer. They find it hard to fathom that
Jayn is
never punished.) I feared that I was just being prejudiced against her
because she is schooled, in the sense that I really want the majority of
Jayn’s friendships to be with home schooled and mindfully parented
children
while she is so young especially. These are also the parents that I
feel I
can have pleasant relationships with, which is not the case with R’s
parents. I felt so sorry for R because I know she is sometimes spanked,
often shamed, treated with distrust and all the commonplace
mistreatments of
conventional parenting. I have noticed her somewhat mean spirited
destructiveness in the past – like deliberately pouring out all the
paint
down the sink in the guise of tidying up. She and her brother have been
proven careless of borrowed toys too (so “no more loans” was instituted
as
policy a while back.).
Yet in all of this I was so ambivalent. I knew that my essentially
dishonest
limiting strategy (not that the dishonesty was intentional) had failed.
I
felt desperate to do something differently. It seemed somehow wrong,
somehow
against every mindful philosophy to not trust Jayn to see the negatives
of
this other horrible child. I was being eaten up with anxiety. I was
being
excessively watchful, anticipating problems which R must surely have
felt
(probably felt normal to her). I was utterly dreading the school summer
vacation. Stress and resentment were emanating from me, tainting every
waking moment that I was at home. I was haranguing James about moving
house.
(He is a saint!) But this wasn’t a negative portrayal on a tv show,
this was
a real person that Jayn had often expressed affection for.
Suddenly it came to me in a huge flash that I had never shared my
misgivings about R’s character or behavior with Jayn. I was living a
giant
lie between myself and my precious dd that this other girl was OK.
Sure James and I had put a stop to individual behaviors as they
occurred,
like telling R not to take Jayn to the bathroom, or to ask for a drink,
and
not just root around nosily in our fridge. He was especially good at
dealing
with swimming session crapola.
But if it *was* a negative portrayal on a tv show I *would* talk about
why.
I have done that very thing. I have expressed my concerns and advice
about
other things we have seen or read or heard or that Jayn wanted to do
that
were dangerous or scary or counter to our values and principles. Yet I
felt
like it was unfair or different to express these increasingly strong
feelings about a person.
Finally, I have told Jayn that I don’t like R, and described some of the
issues I felt she was bringing in to our lives that were negative. I
told
her the relationship would have to end. I was ready to
accept/support/validate her anger and resentment for as long as needed.
Jayn
was thunderstruck and seemed initially deeply hurt, but then she got
over it
astonishingly quickly after only the briefest cry. I apologized for not
being fully honest with her (my other *huge* concern – fortunately her
trust
in me seems to be restored). I also told her that we (Daddy and I) felt
extremely strongly about this decision to take such an extraordinary
step,
which should be clear since we do give her so much freedom of choice in
her
daily life. And she apparently understood that too.
I realized that if Jayn were about to drink poison, I wouldn’t just
say,
“That’s a bad idea.” I would take it from her as forcibly as necessary,
and
then explain. In fact I used this analogy – which Jayn got instantly –
in
one of the subsequent conversations we have had over the last two and a
bit
weeks about why Daddy and I were instituting this extreme restriction
into
her life.
The results of saying “no more” have been amazingly, startlingly
(thankfully) good.
There were a couple of crying moments, especially when Jayn saw the
others
swimming and wanted to swim with them. However it was quite literally
only a
couple of times that she argued half-heartedly with our dictate – and
then
became extraordinarily cheerful after she accepted the “no”. More
surprise
for me at this additional relatively calm reaction. I can’t prove it,
but
I’m starting to sense that Jayn was glad to be rescued.
Jayn’s behavior and treatment of us has been markedly improved – kinder,
more willing to play with us, more affectionate especially towards
James. I
have had to do a lot more swimming but that’s a good thing, and we have
made
many efforts to be out of the house at interesting places in the crucial
mid-afternoon period of big group swims. Jayn has apparently embraced
playing with her other friends (of a range of ages) with gusto, and I am
seeing much less of the “mean to boys” stuff. She is still loud and
sometimes has a hard time settling in the evening, needing big
movements and
to push on us physically – but it is less often and less intense.
Some of Jayn’s games have been regressions to things she liked to do a
year
or more ago (like she feels freer to do these babyish things without
being
judged maybe?) and I have been playing a lot more Barbie and similar
games
than I had been recently. I have redoubled my efforts to be available
to her
(which is one part of why you have seen so little of me on line), and
so has
James.
I should also say that one of the reasons that this came to head just
now
has been a development in our sleeping schedule. Hold on to your hats,
those
who have been cognizant of our round the clock creep of the last few
years.
We have been “holding” at going to sleep around 3-3.30am and getting up
between 11 and 1.30 every day for NINE weeks – two whole months of
regularity. However the flip side of this has been that without our
nights
or super early to bed weeks we had been regularly available to R in the
afternoons after she had done her homework. The whole problem might have
been clearer and more readily apparent if we had not had those times of
respite.
There is plenty here to beat myself up over. But at the heart of it is
my
regret that I wasn’t clearer and more honest about my feelings with
Jayn. I
wasn’t listening to my heart – or rather was being too high minded to
listen
to my heart fully. Or something. I would hate this to be taken as an
endorsement of limiting our child’s choices, yet that is what I am
doing –
consciously and mindfully. I’m still conflicted in some ways. I doubt
this
will be the last person Jayn likes that I may not. But she’s so young
still….but…but….hard stuff.
Maybe in the fullness of time Jayn would have become sated. Maybe R
would
have done some horrible, hurtful thing and Jayn would have rejected
her. But
this was more like a frog in a pot – slowly getting boiled without
realizing
it. I keep coming back to the poison analogy, and recalling the fact
that I
think 2.5 years is a pretty fair trial.
Also Jayn is clearly happier, and seems to be returning to the pure
sweetness she used to have, although she is still very wary whenever she
sees R’s brother particularly.
OTOH, R is walking around these days with a thunderous scowl. Jayn
unfortunately told her that I “didn’t want them to be best friends
anymore”
when she came to the door one day. True as that is, I had been
practicing
avoidance (procrastination), while I determined a strategy for speaking
to
her mother – I was thinking something along the lines of them “not
being a
good fit anymore as R was getting more mature” and our needing to focus
more
on our home schooled associates. She has been defensive and combative
when I
have tried to express concerns about R’s behavior in the past, and I
daresay
she will be sorry to lose the absolute convenience of sending R down the
hall instead of having to take her to a friend’s place. R is missing
Jayn’s
toys too I’m sure. But she will be in summer day camp soon and will
surely
cheer up then.
It was not my intention to hurt R’s feelings – I had just said a couple
of
times that Jayn wasn’t available when R came to the door. Now mother is
averting her face when she passes us in the pool. At least they aren’t
hitting me up for my precious quarters every washday anymore. I wonder
if I
will ever again see my copy of “Punished by Rewards”. Small price to
pay.
>>>>Here is something else that I wrote in response to ongoing discussion
on my
local U/S list.
<<<It is the concept of restricting their contact today, rather than
continuing to watch and wait and spend every day suppressing my anguish,
that I have a certain amount of inner conflict about - but increasingly
less
stress every day as we continue. (Is "increasingly less" a real phrase?
YKWIM hopefully.)
I realize too that much of the ambivalence was more to do with *my
assumptions* about what expectations of me other people in the RU
community
might have - applying the theory in a very difficult practical
situation -
as I continue to work through this here and on other lists.
I am kinda wondering whether I was failing Unschooling, or Unschooling
was
failing me on this issue. In passing I will mention that James has none
of
these doubts - he is absolutely convinced 100% that we are doing the
right
thing, and wishes we did it sooner.
In the end it is something that is a "whole family" problem - and as
important and focal to our (James and my) lives as Jayn is, our family
happiness as a whole is the crucial deciding issue. Having a peaceful,
happy
home is priority one. It is when in situations of conflicting needs I
fail
to mentally ask the question, "What action will bring the most peace and
create the most happiness?" that I make poorer choices.
Other internal scripts include "What loving action can I make right
now?"
when Jayn is distressed, and "What is the behavior I would wish to
see?" to
remind myself to model it. The moment I forget my scripts the more
bogus my
choices tend to be, the less Ease and Serenity in all our lives!
I have received a lot of very welcome feedback and support here, on
other
lists and privately. The most warmly expressed approbation has come from
people who have been through something similar with a child that was a
toxic
invading presence in their family.
OTOH, some responses have come from people who clearly have never had
the
same experience, and while they are kindly sympathetic, they tend to be
full
of suggestions for strategies that I have already been aaaaall the way
through over the past 2 years.
The only thing I wish someone had said to me was, "Tell your dd how
negatively you feel about her friend honestly and openly." That was the
advice I could have used a long time ago and in the interim. >>>
Finally, here is a copy of the letter I sent to the other parents. It
may be
less relevant to the situation, but maybe a letter will be needed to the
other mom in this case too.
<<<<<Dear T. and K.,
Being increasingly uncomfortable since I have not spoken to you about
the
decision that James and I made some weeks ago to restrict Jayn from
contact
with R, I have decided to write this brief note to explain. I hope you
will
read it.
For some time we had been concerned that as R matured, she and Jayn were
just not a good fit as playmates anymore. It was not that R’s behavior
was
“bad” in any way, but that Jayn was becoming increasingly stressed by
the
relationship, despite her affection for R. Jayn’s stress in the form of
extreme tensional outlets became very noticeable when the two girls were
suddenly spending time together almost every day in the weeks before
school
let out.
After explaining the situation to Jayn, for a couple of days I had been
telling R that Jayn was unavailable. I was looking for the words to
express
to you our belief that Jayn had a problem and that restricting contact
was
the needed solution for the serenity of our family. Unfortunately before
either James or I could speak to you about the fairly drastic step, Jayn
told R, in simplistic words, of our intention that she not be Jayn’s
best
friend any more.
I am sorry for R’s hurt feelings, as that was certainly not my desire.
However we must, as parents, put the welfare of our own children first,
and
while the way she found out was not ideal, the substance of the message
was
correct, and was and is not negotiable.
I’m sure you would agree that it would be too hard on R for Jayn to
have a
relationship with J [brother] and not her. That is one reason why I have
been bringing Jayn in when J comes to the pool or to visit the new
neighbors.
R has mentioned on different occasions that you will soon be moving to
your
own house. It would certainly be lovely for she and J to have their own
personal spaces, and I wish you every success with that endeavor.
I prefer that we can maintain the silent distance that we have developed
until either of our families move, and that there continue to be as
little
communication between our children as possible. >>>>>>
Robyn L. Coburn
________________________________________________________________________
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