Deb Lewis

***my son hits or kicks back they come and tattle
on him,***

Her kids shouldn't be hit either and children should be able to tell an
adult when they're being hurt without it being called "tattling."

I understand your frustration about what is happening but I strongly dislike
that word. If your friend came to you and said her husband had hit her, you
wouldn't call that "tattling."

***Since my son says he wants to get together with them, should I just try
to talk
with him about what to do or should we just avoid them all together?***

Be with them when they play. Stop conflicts before they escalate. Tell the
children directly that while you love them, you won't let them hurt or be
mean to your kid. If you notice tension see if changing the play will
help. Offer to go outside and play ball with them or some other physical
thing. Offer food, maybe have snacks with you, enough for all the kids, so
that if hunger or low energy is the problem it can be bypassed.

If they hurt or are mean to your kid, remove yourselves from the situation.
Don't make it seem like a punishment to your kid. If you leave the play
date, take him somewhere *more* fun. Go to a movie, go get ice cream, go
ride your bikes together, do something he really loves.

If you are with or very near them when they're playing and if you're paying
attention, you may be able to understand how the meanness starts and what to
do to stop it.

If her kids feel bullied (as it sounds) they will bully. You might not be
able to stop it completely but you may be able to improve the situation
enough that it's positive for your son.

Offer your son many other fun things to do and places to go so that his
cousins don't seem like his best choice and he may choose the other fun
things over visits with them.

Deb Lewis

Julie v.

Thanks to all who responded to my post. We pretty much try to avoid them when we can,
and will continue probably more so now.

Michelle,

I totally agree, I wouldn't hang around her if she wasn't my sister, so I guess I just have to
get it out of my mind that just because she is family that we don't have to force ourselves
to be together or to get along.

Deb,

Sorry for my poor choice of words, I really hate that word too and understand that her
children (any children for that matter), should be able to tell an adult when they are being
hurt without it being called tattling. I wish my son would come and tell us, but he tries to
handle it himself by just hitting back. I was so angry when I posted that it didn't come
across how i wanted it to. I think what I was trying to convey was that I have noticed that
one side effect of punishment, concerning their family, is that whenever her children do
anything, whether it be physical or just something slight, then they will go and tell their
mom or dad because then that person that they told will be punished. Furthermore the
child that told will tease the child that is being punished by saying "you have to go to
time-out, ha ha, ha ha ha". It's just an all around negative family situation.

The last few times we have gotten together my dh and I have tried to be there 100%
interacting with the kids and trying to diffuse any situation that may come up. Thanks for
your suggestions concerning what else to do. I guess the limited time we are around them
we will do like you said.

Thanks everyone,

Julie




--- In [email protected], "Deb Lewis" <d.lewis@...> wrote:
>
> ***my son hits or kicks back they come and tattle
> on him,***
>
> Her kids shouldn't be hit either and children should be able to tell an
> adult when they're being hurt without it being called "tattling."
>
> I understand your frustration about what is happening but I strongly dislike
> that word. If your friend came to you and said her husband had hit her, you
> wouldn't call that "tattling."
>
>> Deb Lewis
>