Solitary Child
[email protected]
Our only child, age 12, has been unschooling for a year and a half after attending public school. I think that he and my husband and I have successfully deschooled and embrace all aspects of unschooling. His main interests are manga, anime, fanfiction, Japanese, computer animation and humor. He spends the vast majority of his time on the computer. My concerns about him are mostly social. He has always been a socially hesitant child. He likes the company of other children but only if he knows them well and feels a strong affinity with them. He also engages in almost no physical activity and has always been significantly overweight.
Lately he has gotten more withdrawn and solitary. We started a homeschool computer group in our home but apart from that, he has no contact with other children. He also does not seek out others and will not, for example, ask anyone to come over his house. He has always preferred to be at home and we have a very kid-friendly entertaining home. But lately, he has became more withdrawn. For the past eight days or so, he moved his laptop into his bedroom and comes out only rarely. Yet when we interact with him, it seems that he is feeling alright.
I feel he must be bored and unhappy but I also fear that I may be projecting my own feelings and experience about what it has been like for me when I have been too alone. He had lost some weight and has now regained it which I think is due to his increased inactivity. He expresses no negative feelings about his weight, but then again he is not the type of child that expresses his negative self feelings. Both my husband and I are somewhat introverted, but not like this. We don't know whether we should try harder or intervene, whether this is a phase that we need to give him time with or whether we are just being narrow-minded and judgemental about a way of being that our son feels fine with.
I am hoping that some of you have had similar experiences and am looking for words of wisdom or solace.
Peace,
Andrea
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lately he has gotten more withdrawn and solitary. We started a homeschool computer group in our home but apart from that, he has no contact with other children. He also does not seek out others and will not, for example, ask anyone to come over his house. He has always preferred to be at home and we have a very kid-friendly entertaining home. But lately, he has became more withdrawn. For the past eight days or so, he moved his laptop into his bedroom and comes out only rarely. Yet when we interact with him, it seems that he is feeling alright.
I feel he must be bored and unhappy but I also fear that I may be projecting my own feelings and experience about what it has been like for me when I have been too alone. He had lost some weight and has now regained it which I think is due to his increased inactivity. He expresses no negative feelings about his weight, but then again he is not the type of child that expresses his negative self feelings. Both my husband and I are somewhat introverted, but not like this. We don't know whether we should try harder or intervene, whether this is a phase that we need to give him time with or whether we are just being narrow-minded and judgemental about a way of being that our son feels fine with.
I am hoping that some of you have had similar experiences and am looking for words of wisdom or solace.
Peace,
Andrea
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lpodietz
[--- In [email protected], "pinkydog@..."
<pinkydog@...> wrote:
Hi Andrea,
Aaron's mom here.... I'm just wondering, why did he leave school? This
may help shed light, if you don't mind sharing that piece of the
story...
Linda
<pinkydog@...> wrote:
>after attending public school.]
> Our only child, age 12, has been unschooling for a year and a half
Hi Andrea,
Aaron's mom here.... I'm just wondering, why did he leave school? This
may help shed light, if you don't mind sharing that piece of the
story...
Linda
[email protected]
Hi Linda, I'd be glad to say why my son left school. It will be interesting if this proves rel event.
Adli always struggled with school, not academically. That came easy. His struggle was with the school structure. The vast majority of what was taught and how things were done seemed empty and controlling. At home we always gave him a lot freedom and were not coercive except for our expectations around his going to school. We mostly followed an attachement parenting approach and our son always like to spend a lot of time at home. Socially, it felt fair. That was not the reason he left but the social dimension wasn't motivating for him as it is for some kids.
He cites two teachers who were really nice and those were good years where he had a best friend who was a girl and then became good friends with a boy who lives down the block. He had some horrible years with too strict teachers or classes with kids that were aggressive. He never got especially interested in any activities in school and would not commit to any after-school activities.
The point of no return was was when he started middle school which in our district begins in fifth grade. This was really hyped up and highly anticipated. But it turned out to be even more boring and rigid. I saved something he wrote for the first day in which he had to complete sentences (it figures) and in response to the prompt: "Homeroom day is..." , he wrote, "the most boring day of school I have ever seen in my life."
The children were shuttled from class to class for nine periods a day. The homework was even more tedious, long and inane. Several of the teachers, including the gifted teacher, were mean and picky. There was more gym and intramural sports. Getting our son up in the morning each day was a real chore and became increasingly impossible. Later after we let him stop school, he described it movingly as a prison.
Let me know if that gives any additional insight. BTW, we had a much better day yesterday after I wrote. I had the chance to spend with him and see what he was doing, which turned out to be interesting. He came downstairs at night and played a lively physical game with our dog and then as a family, we played boggle. By the end of the day, I felt much better but I know that the concerns and issues that I wrote about are still lurking, just not in such an intense way.
Thanks, Andrea
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Adli always struggled with school, not academically. That came easy. His struggle was with the school structure. The vast majority of what was taught and how things were done seemed empty and controlling. At home we always gave him a lot freedom and were not coercive except for our expectations around his going to school. We mostly followed an attachement parenting approach and our son always like to spend a lot of time at home. Socially, it felt fair. That was not the reason he left but the social dimension wasn't motivating for him as it is for some kids.
He cites two teachers who were really nice and those were good years where he had a best friend who was a girl and then became good friends with a boy who lives down the block. He had some horrible years with too strict teachers or classes with kids that were aggressive. He never got especially interested in any activities in school and would not commit to any after-school activities.
The point of no return was was when he started middle school which in our district begins in fifth grade. This was really hyped up and highly anticipated. But it turned out to be even more boring and rigid. I saved something he wrote for the first day in which he had to complete sentences (it figures) and in response to the prompt: "Homeroom day is..." , he wrote, "the most boring day of school I have ever seen in my life."
The children were shuttled from class to class for nine periods a day. The homework was even more tedious, long and inane. Several of the teachers, including the gifted teacher, were mean and picky. There was more gym and intramural sports. Getting our son up in the morning each day was a real chore and became increasingly impossible. Later after we let him stop school, he described it movingly as a prison.
Let me know if that gives any additional insight. BTW, we had a much better day yesterday after I wrote. I had the chance to spend with him and see what he was doing, which turned out to be interesting. He came downstairs at night and played a lively physical game with our dog and then as a family, we played boggle. By the end of the day, I felt much better but I know that the concerns and issues that I wrote about are still lurking, just not in such an intense way.
Thanks, Andrea
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 10/23/06, pinkydog@... <pinkydog@...> wrote:
Are you including him in those passions? Are you inviting him to do
things with you? Are you seeking out in the community to see what
resources are available? Hang out at a bookstore in the manga section
(you may run into my daughter LOL!) Call the local college/uni and
see if they have a Japanese study program or Japanese cultural club.
Look through the community pages in the paper or call your local
community centers and see if there are any Japanese language classes
being offered. There are anime viewing groups (anime DVD's are
atrociously expensive so many anime collectors will get together to
share the anime that they have.)
My children have few friends their own ages. Even in our homeschool
group they seem to have somehow moved to the periphery during the
summer. That's ok with them. They have plenty of opportunities to
socialise with adults. While they wish that there was a huge
unschooling community in which they could thrive, they prefer to spend
time alone at home. They actually prefer going and doing their
interests without concern as to how many children are present.
Be engaged in his world. Learn Japanese with him. Rent anime (many
video stores have a whole anime section these days) and watch with
him. Read one of his manga series and talk to him about these things.
He has some really interesting passions. Look into the JET programme
which is a Japanese-English exchange program. (Google Jet programme
with the extra me) Play video games with him (even if you suck at it
- I do and it is like a major comedy hour when mom plays PS2! "I'm
lost I'm lost!! What do you mean go back? I don't even know where
back is!!!!") He has some great passions! Strew in front of him even
more!
As for being an only child, my co-parent was essentially an only
child. He was one of those "Ooops babies" who was born 13 years after
his older brothers. By the time he entered kindergarden he was the
only one at home. He spent hours and hours by himself. His passion
was model railroading and he spent most of his free time and money on
this craft. He had very few friends (3 in fact) and if he did do
something with anyone it was these 3 guys. Guess what? He is
perfectly able to socialize with other people now. He doesn't regret
his childhood (at least that part of it) because he was given the
freedom to pursue his passions.
MIchelle
> Lately he has gotten more withdrawn and solitary. We started a homeschool computer group in our home but apart from that, he has no contact with other children. He also does not seek out others and will not, for example, ask anyone to come over his house. He has always preferred to be at home and we have a very kid-friendly entertaining home. But lately, he has became more withdrawn.What are you doing for yourself? Are you following your passions?
Are you including him in those passions? Are you inviting him to do
things with you? Are you seeking out in the community to see what
resources are available? Hang out at a bookstore in the manga section
(you may run into my daughter LOL!) Call the local college/uni and
see if they have a Japanese study program or Japanese cultural club.
Look through the community pages in the paper or call your local
community centers and see if there are any Japanese language classes
being offered. There are anime viewing groups (anime DVD's are
atrociously expensive so many anime collectors will get together to
share the anime that they have.)
My children have few friends their own ages. Even in our homeschool
group they seem to have somehow moved to the periphery during the
summer. That's ok with them. They have plenty of opportunities to
socialise with adults. While they wish that there was a huge
unschooling community in which they could thrive, they prefer to spend
time alone at home. They actually prefer going and doing their
interests without concern as to how many children are present.
Be engaged in his world. Learn Japanese with him. Rent anime (many
video stores have a whole anime section these days) and watch with
him. Read one of his manga series and talk to him about these things.
He has some really interesting passions. Look into the JET programme
which is a Japanese-English exchange program. (Google Jet programme
with the extra me) Play video games with him (even if you suck at it
- I do and it is like a major comedy hour when mom plays PS2! "I'm
lost I'm lost!! What do you mean go back? I don't even know where
back is!!!!") He has some great passions! Strew in front of him even
more!
As for being an only child, my co-parent was essentially an only
child. He was one of those "Ooops babies" who was born 13 years after
his older brothers. By the time he entered kindergarden he was the
only one at home. He spent hours and hours by himself. His passion
was model railroading and he spent most of his free time and money on
this craft. He had very few friends (3 in fact) and if he did do
something with anyone it was these 3 guys. Guess what? He is
perfectly able to socialize with other people now. He doesn't regret
his childhood (at least that part of it) because he was given the
freedom to pursue his passions.
MIchelle
lpodietz
Hi Andrea,
Thanks for the extra clarification about what led your son to leave
school. I guess I asked because I keep wanting to compare him to my
son, who also couldn't stand the structure of school, and who left
in a very sorry state last spring, during his 7th grade year. I
guess I have a few "gut level" reactions... which have probably all
crossed your mind without my having to bring them up.
First, is he a highly sensitive type? Sounds like he's very
intelligent, so as he gets older I would just be on the lookout for
signs of depression... (does it run in the family?--you don't have
to answer that). I don't know how forthcoming he is in terms of his
inner feelings, but he seems about the age where there can be all
kinds of turmoil going on beneath the surface (even in an
unschooling environment), and I'm wondering if he has an outlet for
whatever he's trying to process inside (perhaps other than his
parents... especially since he's an only child). Maybe he's
retreating to his room in reaction to a lot of worrying and hovering
going on around him.
It's interesting that after you were able to spend some time with
him, just looking at what he's been up to, things improved...seems
so darn simple, doesn't it...
I would say, and this is coming from someone who has FAR more
questions than answers at this point, that the middle school years
are definitely the most challenging for everyone involved, the kids
as well as the parents, schooled or unschooled (generally speaking)
and when you have a very smart, sensitive child you can expect some
rough waters. I would say just keep the lines of communication open
and make sure he has someone with some objectivity to talk to about
his feelings.
Don't know if this helps, I can hear myself projecting my situation
onto yours, but maybe there is something in there that's applicable.
Linda
Thanks for the extra clarification about what led your son to leave
school. I guess I asked because I keep wanting to compare him to my
son, who also couldn't stand the structure of school, and who left
in a very sorry state last spring, during his 7th grade year. I
guess I have a few "gut level" reactions... which have probably all
crossed your mind without my having to bring them up.
First, is he a highly sensitive type? Sounds like he's very
intelligent, so as he gets older I would just be on the lookout for
signs of depression... (does it run in the family?--you don't have
to answer that). I don't know how forthcoming he is in terms of his
inner feelings, but he seems about the age where there can be all
kinds of turmoil going on beneath the surface (even in an
unschooling environment), and I'm wondering if he has an outlet for
whatever he's trying to process inside (perhaps other than his
parents... especially since he's an only child). Maybe he's
retreating to his room in reaction to a lot of worrying and hovering
going on around him.
It's interesting that after you were able to spend some time with
him, just looking at what he's been up to, things improved...seems
so darn simple, doesn't it...
I would say, and this is coming from someone who has FAR more
questions than answers at this point, that the middle school years
are definitely the most challenging for everyone involved, the kids
as well as the parents, schooled or unschooled (generally speaking)
and when you have a very smart, sensitive child you can expect some
rough waters. I would say just keep the lines of communication open
and make sure he has someone with some objectivity to talk to about
his feelings.
Don't know if this helps, I can hear myself projecting my situation
onto yours, but maybe there is something in there that's applicable.
Linda
[email protected]
I appreciate the feedback. It seems that the sense of crisis peaked. Since I wrote my son moved his laptop back into the family computer room and is more interactive. I
t is hard because I am not the main at-home parent. My husband is. He is generally very involved with what our son is doing. My husband was a fine artist and in fact, learned computer animation just to do it with my son. There are some things that I tend to be more receptive about than my husband, but I have a demanding worklife and my time and energy is too limited for me to watch or read or play with a lot of what our son is doing although I try to do this sometimes. Also, while I do have passions, they are very girly passions like sewing and belly dancing.
But, you are right and I find that my worry subsides and things feel better when I am participating in something with him. During the winter, I plan to play WOW with him, something we did last year. I have some thoughts of planning a family or even unschooling trip to Japan partly because I think that this would serve as some impetus for fun preparation such as learning some Japanese.
Regarding his emotional state as Linda suggests, I do think that in the past week he did have some difficult feelings bubbling. He is not good at verbalizing feelings unless he is really in crisis. I don't think he was depressed. In fact, I think my worry that he might be depressed made me behave in ways that made things worse. I may have been hovering and this contributed to his withdrawal from my intrusive shadowing presence. I believe I associate someone's being alone to their being depressed because that was true for me when I was younger.
What someone wrote about their child not needing much interaction with other kids is true for my son. This sometimes is hard for me to really take in because of my being too influenced about conventional notions about being social. These notions may also interfere with my ability to enjoy myself enough when I am alone, even though I want time alone.
My son gets a lot of contact, actually, through the computer, through online forums that comment instantly on anime series. (He was lately enchanted by Code-Lyoco). There is an American manga serial Megatokyo that he is following. Lots of things seem to generate a lively dialog online. While this is nothing that I grew up with and would consider social, it does allow my son to interact with others about his interests.
He really doesn't like to go places much. He did when he was younger and believe me, I am only too willing to take him places. This may be a factor of his getting older. It also may be a factor of the wealth of material that he now can find for free on his computer. He does not need to buy mangas at a bookstore because he can download them. He is very skilled about getting around and finding what he wants on the Internet.
I think I feel more sense of perspective from the comments. I think that a parent's maintaining her perspective is key.
Thanks, Andrea
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
t is hard because I am not the main at-home parent. My husband is. He is generally very involved with what our son is doing. My husband was a fine artist and in fact, learned computer animation just to do it with my son. There are some things that I tend to be more receptive about than my husband, but I have a demanding worklife and my time and energy is too limited for me to watch or read or play with a lot of what our son is doing although I try to do this sometimes. Also, while I do have passions, they are very girly passions like sewing and belly dancing.
But, you are right and I find that my worry subsides and things feel better when I am participating in something with him. During the winter, I plan to play WOW with him, something we did last year. I have some thoughts of planning a family or even unschooling trip to Japan partly because I think that this would serve as some impetus for fun preparation such as learning some Japanese.
Regarding his emotional state as Linda suggests, I do think that in the past week he did have some difficult feelings bubbling. He is not good at verbalizing feelings unless he is really in crisis. I don't think he was depressed. In fact, I think my worry that he might be depressed made me behave in ways that made things worse. I may have been hovering and this contributed to his withdrawal from my intrusive shadowing presence. I believe I associate someone's being alone to their being depressed because that was true for me when I was younger.
What someone wrote about their child not needing much interaction with other kids is true for my son. This sometimes is hard for me to really take in because of my being too influenced about conventional notions about being social. These notions may also interfere with my ability to enjoy myself enough when I am alone, even though I want time alone.
My son gets a lot of contact, actually, through the computer, through online forums that comment instantly on anime series. (He was lately enchanted by Code-Lyoco). There is an American manga serial Megatokyo that he is following. Lots of things seem to generate a lively dialog online. While this is nothing that I grew up with and would consider social, it does allow my son to interact with others about his interests.
He really doesn't like to go places much. He did when he was younger and believe me, I am only too willing to take him places. This may be a factor of his getting older. It also may be a factor of the wealth of material that he now can find for free on his computer. He does not need to buy mangas at a bookstore because he can download them. He is very skilled about getting around and finding what he wants on the Internet.
I think I feel more sense of perspective from the comments. I think that a parent's maintaining her perspective is key.
Thanks, Andrea
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa
HEY! Watch what you call girly passions! ;-) My oldest son loves to
quilt with me, because it's something we do together. He sews his own
bedding, and loves to make pillows. In fact, I just ran into one of
his schooled friends at a restaurant, and in talking to HIM learned
that many 11 yo boys are learning to knit (whew, thought Josh was the
only one) Nasir in fact, it very proud that he's mastered perl, and
he's in public school!
Keeping an open mind about what you guys can do together would be a
good first step.
What did your husband have to say about your son's solitariness this
past week?
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
quilt with me, because it's something we do together. He sews his own
bedding, and loves to make pillows. In fact, I just ran into one of
his schooled friends at a restaurant, and in talking to HIM learned
that many 11 yo boys are learning to knit (whew, thought Josh was the
only one) Nasir in fact, it very proud that he's mastered perl, and
he's in public school!
Keeping an open mind about what you guys can do together would be a
good first step.
What did your husband have to say about your son's solitariness this
past week?
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Oct 25, 2006, at 12:11 PM, pinkydog@... wrote:
> but I have a demanding worklife and my time and energy is too
> limited for me to watch or read or play with a lot of what our son
> is doing although I try to do this sometimes. Also, while I do have
> passions, they are very girly passions like sewing and belly dancing.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
I am amazed at the recent growth of this list. We just went over 1200
members.
I've seen several "old-timers" join this last month. It's nice to see
you all again. Lots and lots of new names/addresses too.
I've been wondering why the big jump lately. But I'm glad you're here.
Hope to see you all posting soon!
~Kelly
"Wisdom begins in Wonder." ~Socrates
________________________________________________________________________
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members.
I've seen several "old-timers" join this last month. It's nice to see
you all again. Lots and lots of new names/addresses too.
I've been wondering why the big jump lately. But I'm glad you're here.
Hope to see you all posting soon!
~Kelly
"Wisdom begins in Wonder." ~Socrates
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
laura g
>"HEY! Watch what you call girly passions! ;-) My oldest son loves to
>quilt with me, because it's something we do together. He sews his ownThat just reminded me of learning to crochet. My mom and a couple friends
>bedding, and loves to make pillows. In fact, I just ran into one of
>his schooled friends at a restaurant, and in talking to HIM learned
>that many 11 yo boys are learning to knit (whew, thought Josh was the
>only one) Nasir in fact, it very proud that he's mastered perl, and
>he's in public school!"
got a bunch of kids together (boys and girls) and showed us all how. I
think I was about 9 so my brother would have been 12. He was better than me
by far and made several scarves.
>_________________________________________________________________
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Betsy Hill
**He really doesn't like to go places much. He did when he was younger
and believe me, I am only too willing to take him places. This may be
a factor of his getting older. **
Hi, Andrea -
I have a 12.5 year old boy who has always been unschooled and is an
only child. He also likes staying home and playing on his computer
(especially Wow) and watching TV and reading and lolling much more
than going most places. He still likes park day, but that's about it
for leaving the house. If I'm in a "judgy" kind of mood it can seem
"unbalanced" or "lesser" than the lifestyle of someone who is more
active and involved in socializing. I do struggle with questions like
"am I offering enough", "am I offering the right things" and even "am
I annoying?" <g>
Betsy
and believe me, I am only too willing to take him places. This may be
a factor of his getting older. **
Hi, Andrea -
I have a 12.5 year old boy who has always been unschooled and is an
only child. He also likes staying home and playing on his computer
(especially Wow) and watching TV and reading and lolling much more
than going most places. He still likes park day, but that's about it
for leaving the house. If I'm in a "judgy" kind of mood it can seem
"unbalanced" or "lesser" than the lifestyle of someone who is more
active and involved in socializing. I do struggle with questions like
"am I offering enough", "am I offering the right things" and even "am
I annoying?" <g>
Betsy
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 10/25/06, Melissa <autismhelp@...> wrote:
everything. :-) He also enjoys quilting with me (but not as much as
the girls) and likes rubberstamping, gardening, scrapbooking, baking
and helping me with SCA costumes. You know all those "girly" hobbies
:-)
Michelle
> In fact, I just ran into one ofYep! Keon knows how to knit. Has his own knitting needles and
> his schooled friends at a restaurant, and in talking to HIM learned
> that many 11 yo boys are learning to knit
everything. :-) He also enjoys quilting with me (but not as much as
the girls) and likes rubberstamping, gardening, scrapbooking, baking
and helping me with SCA costumes. You know all those "girly" hobbies
:-)
Michelle
[email protected]
All right, I thought I was being humorous with the use of the word "girly." But you don't know me personally to know that's how I intended it. My son in the past was interested in sewing and in knitting. He even dressed up in some of my costumes and danced. These just didn't stick as interests, though I would have been glad if they did.
Your comments did make me aware that I assumehave if my child were a girl, then it would be easier to pass on my interests and for me to participate in my child's interests. I just started to realize that this assumption is wrong. I could just as easily have had a girl who had totally different kinds of passions than I.
Andrea
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Your comments did make me aware that I assumehave if my child were a girl, then it would be easier to pass on my interests and for me to participate in my child's interests. I just started to realize that this assumption is wrong. I could just as easily have had a girl who had totally different kinds of passions than I.
Andrea
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]