Agressive Behavior In 4.5 Year Old
Julie v.
I'm new to this site and fairly new to unschooling also, we have been "practicing"
unschooling for approx. 6 months. My dh & I have a 4.5 year old and a 12 month old. We
have totally embraced the "discipline" philosphy of unschooling, mostly modeling how we
want our sons to act. For the most part we don't have conflicts in the house (occasionally
between the two, which just seems age appropriate at this time).
Anyway my question has to do with the non negotiables concerning our 4.5 year olds
behavior when it is affecting another child's. We aren't around other kids a whole lot, and
when we are he tends to get agressive at times. What I've noticed is that he does very well
with older kids that he associates with, but it is the younger kids that he seems to
overpower or get frustrated with. How do you deal with agressive behavior? Our son is
able to pretty much do what he wants when he wants when it doesn't concern hurting
another person, but when I step in under the latter situation he gets very defensive saying
"I can do whatever I want to do", and I try telling him "not when it concerns another
person". I try to be positive and give him alternatives of what he can do, but sometimes
he literally seems out of control and can't redirect himself. I know that sometimes he just
gets overwhelmed with other kids in general and if we are at home he will hop on the
computer or ask to watch a video to kind of take a break from the other children.
Yesterday a friend of mine came over with her two kids (3 and 10 months), and he was
getting agressive with both kids, which is unusual because he is usually very good with
babies, but he pulled on the baby's shirt at one point and even pushed her over once.
Also at one point he was "riding" this plastic snail we have in the backyard very close to
the baby and I tried to move him away saying "let's ride the snail over here so we don't
accidentally hit the baby" and it turned into a power struggle of him moving it back to be
near the baby.
How do you react in these types of situations? What are some good ways to dialogue with
the child during an intense conflict? Sometimes I'm just at a loss and then feel like he is
getting away with inappropriate behaviors (I know not a good way to look at the situation).
Any suggestions would be appreciated,
Julie
unschooling for approx. 6 months. My dh & I have a 4.5 year old and a 12 month old. We
have totally embraced the "discipline" philosphy of unschooling, mostly modeling how we
want our sons to act. For the most part we don't have conflicts in the house (occasionally
between the two, which just seems age appropriate at this time).
Anyway my question has to do with the non negotiables concerning our 4.5 year olds
behavior when it is affecting another child's. We aren't around other kids a whole lot, and
when we are he tends to get agressive at times. What I've noticed is that he does very well
with older kids that he associates with, but it is the younger kids that he seems to
overpower or get frustrated with. How do you deal with agressive behavior? Our son is
able to pretty much do what he wants when he wants when it doesn't concern hurting
another person, but when I step in under the latter situation he gets very defensive saying
"I can do whatever I want to do", and I try telling him "not when it concerns another
person". I try to be positive and give him alternatives of what he can do, but sometimes
he literally seems out of control and can't redirect himself. I know that sometimes he just
gets overwhelmed with other kids in general and if we are at home he will hop on the
computer or ask to watch a video to kind of take a break from the other children.
Yesterday a friend of mine came over with her two kids (3 and 10 months), and he was
getting agressive with both kids, which is unusual because he is usually very good with
babies, but he pulled on the baby's shirt at one point and even pushed her over once.
Also at one point he was "riding" this plastic snail we have in the backyard very close to
the baby and I tried to move him away saying "let's ride the snail over here so we don't
accidentally hit the baby" and it turned into a power struggle of him moving it back to be
near the baby.
How do you react in these types of situations? What are some good ways to dialogue with
the child during an intense conflict? Sometimes I'm just at a loss and then feel like he is
getting away with inappropriate behaviors (I know not a good way to look at the situation).
Any suggestions would be appreciated,
Julie
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/13/2006 7:43:41 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
jlvw@... writes:
How do you react in these types of situations? What are some good ways to
dialogue with
the child during an intense conflict? Sometimes I'm just at a loss and then
feel like he is
getting away with inappropriate behaviors
*************
Hi Julie. I'm not going to be able to address the whole issue, because my
4.5 year old was aggressive *most* of the time, not just *some* of the time.
LOL!
So, here are some thoughts. First, is it possible to avoid these
problematic situations for awhile? At that age, there were only a very few people we
could hang around and those moms were sympathetic to the issue. If you still
need to go, you need to have some strategies in place for dealing with the
problem. For us, we needed to be able to leave or have the others be able to
leave (without hurt feelings). Usually, we would do things like go someplace
neutral like the park (at non-busy times).
It seems like you are doing well with redirecting and such, but at times he
is not able to respond. I would do everything right now to *not* get to that
point. Have you read "the Explosive Child"? In a nutshell, that part of
the brain can take some time to develop, so give him the time to grow without
putting him in the situations that trigger the problem.
I wonder if some "mirror talk" would help him with the "I can do what I
want!". It can be scary to validate this because it feels like you are
encouraging the behavior. But I find in general it is very helpful. So when he says
"I can do what I want!" say "wow! you can do what you want? cool!" and see
where it leads. Back out of the verbal power struggle for now. I promise he
isn't going to grow up to be an ax murderer. :)
What was also helpful to me when my kids were constantly engaging in some
sort of power struggle was to excavate where in their lives they are feeling
powerless. Also, in a backwards way, some kids feel a little "too powerful" at
stages, which is scary. Like what if all of a sudden, you found you had
magic powers to change the world at your will. It is cool, but also very scary.
You would want someone trusted to counsel you. Maybe with a switch to
unschooling, he is feeling a bit "too powerful" and feeling like he wants to make
sure you are still going to help him manage the tough stuff. Does that make
sense? It should even out.
So, no worries. He will be fine. He isn't "getting away" with anything, he
is learning about complex behaviors and situations. Oh, and my totally
difficult 4 year old is a delightful 10 year old (today!).
Hope something here is helpful. :)
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jlvw@... writes:
How do you react in these types of situations? What are some good ways to
dialogue with
the child during an intense conflict? Sometimes I'm just at a loss and then
feel like he is
getting away with inappropriate behaviors
*************
Hi Julie. I'm not going to be able to address the whole issue, because my
4.5 year old was aggressive *most* of the time, not just *some* of the time.
LOL!
So, here are some thoughts. First, is it possible to avoid these
problematic situations for awhile? At that age, there were only a very few people we
could hang around and those moms were sympathetic to the issue. If you still
need to go, you need to have some strategies in place for dealing with the
problem. For us, we needed to be able to leave or have the others be able to
leave (without hurt feelings). Usually, we would do things like go someplace
neutral like the park (at non-busy times).
It seems like you are doing well with redirecting and such, but at times he
is not able to respond. I would do everything right now to *not* get to that
point. Have you read "the Explosive Child"? In a nutshell, that part of
the brain can take some time to develop, so give him the time to grow without
putting him in the situations that trigger the problem.
I wonder if some "mirror talk" would help him with the "I can do what I
want!". It can be scary to validate this because it feels like you are
encouraging the behavior. But I find in general it is very helpful. So when he says
"I can do what I want!" say "wow! you can do what you want? cool!" and see
where it leads. Back out of the verbal power struggle for now. I promise he
isn't going to grow up to be an ax murderer. :)
What was also helpful to me when my kids were constantly engaging in some
sort of power struggle was to excavate where in their lives they are feeling
powerless. Also, in a backwards way, some kids feel a little "too powerful" at
stages, which is scary. Like what if all of a sudden, you found you had
magic powers to change the world at your will. It is cool, but also very scary.
You would want someone trusted to counsel you. Maybe with a switch to
unschooling, he is feeling a bit "too powerful" and feeling like he wants to make
sure you are still going to help him manage the tough stuff. Does that make
sense? It should even out.
So, no worries. He will be fine. He isn't "getting away" with anything, he
is learning about complex behaviors and situations. Oh, and my totally
difficult 4 year old is a delightful 10 year old (today!).
Hope something here is helpful. :)
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie v.
Leslie,
Thank you so much for your respons! I think your right with just trying to avoid certain
situations. He definately does great when we meet at a park or museum, ect... then when
it's at someones house and there's toys and other things that seem to cause conflict. One
of my friends that we get together with has an almost 3 year old and for the most part
they get along, but both of them can be very intense at times and it takes my friend & I to
help diffuse the situation which can sometimes take 10 minutes! I really trust this friend
and she totally understands my son's needs/wants as well as her own child's. She's also a
fellow unschooler so we're on the same page. That being said I still get stressed out when
we make plans to get together at either of our houses because there also eventually is
conflict and it's hard for me to help my son socialize when I have a 12 month old that is
nursing or wanting to be held, ect...
Today in the car I was actually talking with the aforementioned friend about a mom's get
together tonight and when I hung up my son said "what were you talking about" and I said
"about us getting together tonight" (he thought I meant all of us), and he said (for the first
time ever) "I really hate getting together", and I said "you hate getting together?" and he
said "ya, because everyone likes to make their own choices and when we get together
people try and make my choices". So I think after having this conversation with him he is
actually letting me know how he feels and that he doesn't want to get together . I have
always let it be his choice about getting together, and he has always wanted to, even
suggesting it sometimes, but I guess I should have taken his behavior to mean that it's
just too much for him right now.
I'm going to see if our library has the book you mentioned. I don't think he would be
classified as "spirited" or "explosive", because most of the time we go along without
conflict, but I've definately gained some insight by reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" for
the times that he is overwhelmed with emotions.
I also like your suggestions of just mirroring what he is saying, I've tried that before in
different situations and it does seem to work. For example if there is a show he wants to
watch that isn't on, instead of saying "you can't watch it because it's not on, I know you
want to, but it's not on", I will just say "that show isn't on right now" and then just keep
repeating "you really want to watch that show now!" and then he knows that I am hearing
him instead of trying to shut him up or just trying to make him feel better about it, which
doesn't seem to help, it's almost antagonizing in a way to hear "I know you want to, but
you can't".
Thanks again for your insight,
Julie
Thank you so much for your respons! I think your right with just trying to avoid certain
situations. He definately does great when we meet at a park or museum, ect... then when
it's at someones house and there's toys and other things that seem to cause conflict. One
of my friends that we get together with has an almost 3 year old and for the most part
they get along, but both of them can be very intense at times and it takes my friend & I to
help diffuse the situation which can sometimes take 10 minutes! I really trust this friend
and she totally understands my son's needs/wants as well as her own child's. She's also a
fellow unschooler so we're on the same page. That being said I still get stressed out when
we make plans to get together at either of our houses because there also eventually is
conflict and it's hard for me to help my son socialize when I have a 12 month old that is
nursing or wanting to be held, ect...
Today in the car I was actually talking with the aforementioned friend about a mom's get
together tonight and when I hung up my son said "what were you talking about" and I said
"about us getting together tonight" (he thought I meant all of us), and he said (for the first
time ever) "I really hate getting together", and I said "you hate getting together?" and he
said "ya, because everyone likes to make their own choices and when we get together
people try and make my choices". So I think after having this conversation with him he is
actually letting me know how he feels and that he doesn't want to get together . I have
always let it be his choice about getting together, and he has always wanted to, even
suggesting it sometimes, but I guess I should have taken his behavior to mean that it's
just too much for him right now.
I'm going to see if our library has the book you mentioned. I don't think he would be
classified as "spirited" or "explosive", because most of the time we go along without
conflict, but I've definately gained some insight by reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" for
the times that he is overwhelmed with emotions.
I also like your suggestions of just mirroring what he is saying, I've tried that before in
different situations and it does seem to work. For example if there is a show he wants to
watch that isn't on, instead of saying "you can't watch it because it's not on, I know you
want to, but it's not on", I will just say "that show isn't on right now" and then just keep
repeating "you really want to watch that show now!" and then he knows that I am hearing
him instead of trying to shut him up or just trying to make him feel better about it, which
doesn't seem to help, it's almost antagonizing in a way to hear "I know you want to, but
you can't".
Thanks again for your insight,
Julie
> Hi Julie. I'm not going to be able to address the whole issue, because my
> 4.5 year old was aggressive *most* of the time, not just *some* of the time.
> LOL!
>
> So, here are some thoughts. First, is it possible to avoid these
> problematic situations for awhile? At that age, there were only a very few people we
> could hang around and those moms were sympathetic to the issue. If you still
> need to go, you need to have some strategies in place for dealing with the
> problem. For us, we needed to be able to leave or have the others be able to
> leave (without hurt feelings). Usually, we would do things like go someplace
> neutral like the park (at non-busy times).
>
> It seems like you are doing well with redirecting and such, but at times he
> is not able to respond. I would do everything right now to *not* get to that
> point. Have you read "the Explosive Child"? In a nutshell, that part of
> the brain can take some time to develop, so give him the time to grow without
> putting him in the situations that trigger the problem.
>
> I wonder if some "mirror talk" would help him with the "I can do what I
> want!". It can be scary to validate this because it feels like you are
> encouraging the behavior. But I find in general it is very helpful. So when he says
> "I can do what I want!" say "wow! you can do what you want? cool!" and see
> where it leads. Back out of the verbal power struggle for now. I promise he
> isn't going to grow up to be an ax murderer. :)
>
> What was also helpful to me when my kids were constantly engaging in some
> sort of power struggle was to excavate where in their lives they are feeling
> powerless. Also, in a backwards way, some kids feel a little "too powerful" at
> stages, which is scary. Like what if all of a sudden, you found you had
> magic powers to change the world at your will. It is cool, but also very scary.
> You would want someone trusted to counsel you. Maybe with a switch to
> unschooling, he is feeling a bit "too powerful" and feeling like he wants to make
> sure you are still going to help him manage the tough stuff. Does that make
> sense? It should even out.
>
> So, no worries. He will be fine. He isn't "getting away" with anything, he
> is learning about complex behaviors and situations. Oh, and my totally
> difficult 4 year old is a delightful 10 year old (today!).
>
> Hope something here is helpful. :)
>
> Leslie in SC
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/13/2006 10:13:01 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
jlvw@... writes:
"I really hate getting together", and I said "you hate getting together?"
and he
said "ya, because everyone likes to make their own choices and when we get
together
people try and make my choices". So I think after having this conversation
with him he is
actually letting me know how he feels and that he doesn't want to get
together . I have
always let it be his choice about getting together, and he has always wanted
to, even
suggesting it sometimes, but I guess I should have taken his behavior to
mean that it's
just too much for him right now.
************
Wow! He is an articulate guy!
I'm glad you found something helpful. I think you are right.
I do remember figuring out that Nick's behavior might mean he needed to go.
I began saying something to that effect, like "your body/behavior is telling
me that you want to go home" and he was able to eventually connect to that
himself *before* the meltdown.
I think this is great. You have both opened a new path of communication and
trust.
~Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jlvw@... writes:
"I really hate getting together", and I said "you hate getting together?"
and he
said "ya, because everyone likes to make their own choices and when we get
together
people try and make my choices". So I think after having this conversation
with him he is
actually letting me know how he feels and that he doesn't want to get
together . I have
always let it be his choice about getting together, and he has always wanted
to, even
suggesting it sometimes, but I guess I should have taken his behavior to
mean that it's
just too much for him right now.
************
Wow! He is an articulate guy!
I'm glad you found something helpful. I think you are right.
I do remember figuring out that Nick's behavior might mean he needed to go.
I began saying something to that effect, like "your body/behavior is telling
me that you want to go home" and he was able to eventually connect to that
himself *before* the meltdown.
I think this is great. You have both opened a new path of communication and
trust.
~Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie v.
Leslie,
Yes, he has become very articulate as of late, and I blame it on unschooling:) Seriously
though, in the 6 months we have been embracing radical unschooling, our dialogue with
our son has grown immensely in terms of talking with him, articulating feelings, coming to
an understanding that he won't be forced into doing anything he doesn't want to do,
trusting his judgement concerning his body and what he eats and does with his day, ect....
I think it has opened up a whole new world for us and made my husband and I better
parents.
Julie
Yes, he has become very articulate as of late, and I blame it on unschooling:) Seriously
though, in the 6 months we have been embracing radical unschooling, our dialogue with
our son has grown immensely in terms of talking with him, articulating feelings, coming to
an understanding that he won't be forced into doing anything he doesn't want to do,
trusting his judgement concerning his body and what he eats and does with his day, ect....
I think it has opened up a whole new world for us and made my husband and I better
parents.
Julie
>
>
> ************
>
> Wow! He is an articulate guy!
>
> I'm glad you found something helpful. I think you are right.
>
> I do remember figuring out that Nick's behavior might mean he needed to go.
> I began saying something to that effect, like "your body/behavior is telling
> me that you want to go home" and he was able to eventually connect to that
> himself *before* the meltdown.
>
> I think this is great. You have both opened a new path of communication and
> trust.
>
> ~Leslie in SC
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>