decissions
Solé
Dear List,
today I have a new question for you. The other day I posted about I
don't know what anymore, and got the answer, that not all unschooling
families would live consensual, that is, not all decide by trying to
meet all of the family members needs.
How do you decide things which concern more than one party in your
family? Do you find compromises, do you alternate (one day you get
your way, one day another one), do you democratically vote, do you
sometimes just decided what's best, or do you do somethign completely
different?
Joyce, I guess because of your website I thought that unschooling was
about meeting everyones needs, which to me implied that we always try
to find a way which pleases everyone. Now I was told that this is
only "radical unschooling" and that the rest of unschoolers don't
necessarily do this.
What do they do then?
Greetings
Johanna
today I have a new question for you. The other day I posted about I
don't know what anymore, and got the answer, that not all unschooling
families would live consensual, that is, not all decide by trying to
meet all of the family members needs.
How do you decide things which concern more than one party in your
family? Do you find compromises, do you alternate (one day you get
your way, one day another one), do you democratically vote, do you
sometimes just decided what's best, or do you do somethign completely
different?
Joyce, I guess because of your website I thought that unschooling was
about meeting everyones needs, which to me implied that we always try
to find a way which pleases everyone. Now I was told that this is
only "radical unschooling" and that the rest of unschoolers don't
necessarily do this.
What do they do then?
Greetings
Johanna
Pam Genant
>was
> Joyce, I guess because of your website I thought that unschooling
> about meeting everyones needs, which to me implied that we alwaystry
> to find a way which pleases everyone. Now I was told that this isI know I am not Joyce. For me and our family we do live consensually,
> only "radical unschooling" and that the rest of unschoolers don't
> necessarily do this.
>
> What do they do then?
>
> Greetings
> Johanna<<<<<<<<<<
which involves working together to find mutual solutions that meet the
needs of everyone. Some unschoolers and some radical unschoolers do
not do this. I have seen some describe what they do in their homes as
gentle parenting. The child's wants and needs are considered, but not
everyone's wants and needs are met. Sometimes it comes down to meeting
the wants and needs of the majority. Or sometimes the parent will
sacrifice what they want or need for the child. I have heard some say
they would use coercion if needed but in a gentle respectful way. I do
say that some Radical Unschoolers do live consensually.
Quite similar but not the same. If you want to learn more about
Consensual Living I would invite you to join our CL list
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/consensual-living
I hope that helps. I don't want to take up much list time talking
about CL when we could be talking about the ins and outs of beginning
unschooling.
Pam G
Melissa
We change according to the need, everyone's interest and ability.
Usually it's something we can all compromise on, but since there are
so many of us, including one severely disabled child, sometimes we
have to just say, THIS is what we can handle, or it is not possible
to do THAT. What can we do to make it up to you? I'm lucky in that
mostly the kids like to be together, and they are usually happy to go
along with what someone else wants.
For example, going to the amusement park last weekend, it's very hard
for Bre to deal with crowds and noise. It was a big stretch for her,
we made it as pleasant as possible with shooter's muffs to block
sound, lots of soda and etc. On rides we had to work to alternate big
kids rides with the little kids stuff, and on top of all making sure
i get a break so that I'm not completely disabled the next day. It's
a lot of work, and very intense, but worth it in the end. At the very
end, when Emily wanted 'just one more ride', it meant that I had to
bust double time to make Breanna happy to wait (lots of massage,
hugs, reminders of chicken nuggets), but it was worth the investment
to me to make Emily and Josh happy.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
Usually it's something we can all compromise on, but since there are
so many of us, including one severely disabled child, sometimes we
have to just say, THIS is what we can handle, or it is not possible
to do THAT. What can we do to make it up to you? I'm lucky in that
mostly the kids like to be together, and they are usually happy to go
along with what someone else wants.
For example, going to the amusement park last weekend, it's very hard
for Bre to deal with crowds and noise. It was a big stretch for her,
we made it as pleasant as possible with shooter's muffs to block
sound, lots of soda and etc. On rides we had to work to alternate big
kids rides with the little kids stuff, and on top of all making sure
i get a break so that I'm not completely disabled the next day. It's
a lot of work, and very intense, but worth it in the end. At the very
end, when Emily wanted 'just one more ride', it meant that I had to
bust double time to make Breanna happy to wait (lots of massage,
hugs, reminders of chicken nuggets), but it was worth the investment
to me to make Emily and Josh happy.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Oct 11, 2006, at 7:23 AM, Solé wrote:
> How do you decide things which concern more than one party in your
> family? Do you find compromises, do you alternate (one day you get
> your way, one day another one), do you democratically vote, do you
> sometimes just decided what's best, or do you do somethign completely
> different?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: solelokuai@...
today I have a new question for you. The other day I posted about I
don't know what anymore, and got the answer, that not all unschooling
families would live consensual, that is, not all decide by trying to
meet all of the family members needs.
-=-=-
You're reading too much into it all.
SOME unschooling families work consensually.
SOME unschooling families work democratically.
SOME unschooling families work compromisingly.
SOME (not many!<g>) unschooling families still live within a
dictatorship.
Some unschooling families live somewhere between these lines---most are
trying to be better and better.
I think we can all agree that consensus would be best. We'd ALL like to
get what we want.
And like unschooling, the more you WORK at a consensual relationship,
the better you get at it.
And since in unchooling children's needs/wants are seen as just as
important as adults', it would make sense to work at both.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
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From: solelokuai@...
today I have a new question for you. The other day I posted about I
don't know what anymore, and got the answer, that not all unschooling
families would live consensual, that is, not all decide by trying to
meet all of the family members needs.
-=-=-
You're reading too much into it all.
SOME unschooling families work consensually.
SOME unschooling families work democratically.
SOME unschooling families work compromisingly.
SOME (not many!<g>) unschooling families still live within a
dictatorship.
Some unschooling families live somewhere between these lines---most are
trying to be better and better.
I think we can all agree that consensus would be best. We'd ALL like to
get what we want.
And like unschooling, the more you WORK at a consensual relationship,
the better you get at it.
And since in unchooling children's needs/wants are seen as just as
important as adults', it would make sense to work at both.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
Joyce Fetteroll
On Oct 11, 2006, at 8:23 AM, Solé wrote:
The needs of a child who is done shopping aren't less important than
Mom's needs who isn't done. What Mom has though, is control over the
situation when the child is powerless. We can choose to organize our
days differently, make smaller shopping trips, go without and make
do, compensate them for their time and so on ...
Which is why there's lots of writing about seeing things from a
child's point of view. To see the emotional difference between
choosing to do something you don't want to and being made to.
I think for many people taking children's feelings seriously a tough
mindset to grasp. We often shove aside our own feelings and wants to
do the things we "have to" for the family so it's hard to even hear
let alone take seriously a child who is trying to get us to
understand that she's tired or hungry or bored. We're just so used to
telling *ourselves* "Tough about not wanting to. We have to get this
done."
Which is why there's lots of writing about eliminating "have to" and
seeing how the "have to"s in our lives are really choices.
Whether than looks like consensual living, or democracy or some other
form of treating people with respect, is up to each family. The
important part is the respect.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Joyce, I guess because of your website I thought that unschooling wasWhat I think is important is treating everyone's needs with respect.
> about meeting everyones needs, which to me implied that we always try
> to find a way which pleases everyone.
The needs of a child who is done shopping aren't less important than
Mom's needs who isn't done. What Mom has though, is control over the
situation when the child is powerless. We can choose to organize our
days differently, make smaller shopping trips, go without and make
do, compensate them for their time and so on ...
Which is why there's lots of writing about seeing things from a
child's point of view. To see the emotional difference between
choosing to do something you don't want to and being made to.
I think for many people taking children's feelings seriously a tough
mindset to grasp. We often shove aside our own feelings and wants to
do the things we "have to" for the family so it's hard to even hear
let alone take seriously a child who is trying to get us to
understand that she's tired or hungry or bored. We're just so used to
telling *ourselves* "Tough about not wanting to. We have to get this
done."
Which is why there's lots of writing about eliminating "have to" and
seeing how the "have to"s in our lives are really choices.
Whether than looks like consensual living, or democracy or some other
form of treating people with respect, is up to each family. The
important part is the respect.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 10/11/06, Solé <solelokuai@...> wrote:
compromises or find alternative solutions to try to make everyone the
most happy. It's not always easy and sometimes there is one person
who feels like their needs were not met. We've had scheduling
conflicts. Fortunately, I have a co-parent who has a fairly flexible
schedule and can work from home if need be. There have been times
that he has opted to work at home and take an extended or early or
late lunch break so that different parties in the family can get to
the things that they need to do.
We try our hardest to meet everyone's needs and busy schedules. It
doesn't always happen, though.
Michelle
> How do you decide things which concern more than one party in yourWe talk about it. We weigh each person's opinion. We make
> family?
compromises or find alternative solutions to try to make everyone the
most happy. It's not always easy and sometimes there is one person
who feels like their needs were not met. We've had scheduling
conflicts. Fortunately, I have a co-parent who has a fairly flexible
schedule and can work from home if need be. There have been times
that he has opted to work at home and take an extended or early or
late lunch break so that different parties in the family can get to
the things that they need to do.
We try our hardest to meet everyone's needs and busy schedules. It
doesn't always happen, though.
Michelle