unfriendly daughter
Solé
Speaking of annoying – I have a new question :-)
I have often read here in the list and on unschooling weblogs, that
sometimes a "no" is ok. I imagine that a no to an always unschooled
or long time unschooled child is no big deal and is probably more
accepted than a no, even a respectful one, to a schooled child. I'm
talking about realy natural limits.
The topics were things like siblings fighting and being very
disrespectful/unfriendly; hitting siblings or pets. Often have I read
that it was ok to say "I will not let you treat me like that", "I
will not let anybody speak to me/her like that" or "I will not let
you hurt him/her/it" or something like that. But I wonder how do you
enforce that then? (In case they continue?) What do you do if they
still do it? How do you "not let" them? Do I go away? Do I take the
kid away from the pet? Do I take the pet? Do I raise my voice?
I said it once to my daughter when because of "nothing" she was
yelling at me and being very very unfriendly. I calmly said I
wouldn't let her treat me that way; but also tried to find out what
the "nothing" was and we found out. I still wondered though what I
would have done to "not let" her if she had continued. I scratched my
head and hoped she wouldn't :-)
When we first started unschooling/gentle parenting, she seemed so
extremely happy about her freedom, she seemed so grateful that she
was really very friendly all of the sudden, she would help with
everything and was saying thank you and all kinds of nice things all
day. Now she's getting more and more unfriendly and demanding,
disrespectful, if something doesn't work she'll yell and be angry and
blame you and even though I try to help her she is already extremely
unfriendly and yells at me. I sure think there is a reason and mostly
we have figured out what the real problem was. I still have
difficulties to deal with this unfriendlyness because it makes me
feel angry after a while (when it has happened a lot during the day),
and then it's hard to stay calm. So I tried the "I won't let you...".
I would apreciate any ideas on how to deal with this better,
practical advice on what one could say instead. Btw, it's not that I
yell when I can't controle it, but I just say nothing and feel like
crap for being treated that way and not knowing how to handle the
situation. I feel that just letting her do it is not ok.
Also, sometimes she'll say something that isn't true. She's sure it
is how she's saying it but I KNOW she just wasn't attentive at the
time and I'm 1000000% sure it's how I'm saying it. Sometimes there
are even other people around who prove and assure it was how we are
saying it, but she will never comply. We have no idea how to deal
with this. Is it ok to let her in her belief she was right?? She
never accepts that she was wrong! She doesn't accept a "Well
obviously there was a misunderstanding and we will never know" either.
Greetings
Johanna
I have often read here in the list and on unschooling weblogs, that
sometimes a "no" is ok. I imagine that a no to an always unschooled
or long time unschooled child is no big deal and is probably more
accepted than a no, even a respectful one, to a schooled child. I'm
talking about realy natural limits.
The topics were things like siblings fighting and being very
disrespectful/unfriendly; hitting siblings or pets. Often have I read
that it was ok to say "I will not let you treat me like that", "I
will not let anybody speak to me/her like that" or "I will not let
you hurt him/her/it" or something like that. But I wonder how do you
enforce that then? (In case they continue?) What do you do if they
still do it? How do you "not let" them? Do I go away? Do I take the
kid away from the pet? Do I take the pet? Do I raise my voice?
I said it once to my daughter when because of "nothing" she was
yelling at me and being very very unfriendly. I calmly said I
wouldn't let her treat me that way; but also tried to find out what
the "nothing" was and we found out. I still wondered though what I
would have done to "not let" her if she had continued. I scratched my
head and hoped she wouldn't :-)
When we first started unschooling/gentle parenting, she seemed so
extremely happy about her freedom, she seemed so grateful that she
was really very friendly all of the sudden, she would help with
everything and was saying thank you and all kinds of nice things all
day. Now she's getting more and more unfriendly and demanding,
disrespectful, if something doesn't work she'll yell and be angry and
blame you and even though I try to help her she is already extremely
unfriendly and yells at me. I sure think there is a reason and mostly
we have figured out what the real problem was. I still have
difficulties to deal with this unfriendlyness because it makes me
feel angry after a while (when it has happened a lot during the day),
and then it's hard to stay calm. So I tried the "I won't let you...".
I would apreciate any ideas on how to deal with this better,
practical advice on what one could say instead. Btw, it's not that I
yell when I can't controle it, but I just say nothing and feel like
crap for being treated that way and not knowing how to handle the
situation. I feel that just letting her do it is not ok.
Also, sometimes she'll say something that isn't true. She's sure it
is how she's saying it but I KNOW she just wasn't attentive at the
time and I'm 1000000% sure it's how I'm saying it. Sometimes there
are even other people around who prove and assure it was how we are
saying it, but she will never comply. We have no idea how to deal
with this. Is it ok to let her in her belief she was right?? She
never accepts that she was wrong! She doesn't accept a "Well
obviously there was a misunderstanding and we will never know" either.
Greetings
Johanna
Momma
I remember feeling very defensive as a child when I was in this situation.
I felt attacked. It sounds like she might feel the same way. How are you
wording it? It sounds to me like you want to *win* the argument as much as
she does. Could it be more of a debate than a conversation? The way we
approach people (children and adults) makes a huge difference. How about,
"Well, I understood it to be...." or "Oh, I thought it was......." or "I
remember it differently....."? In a tone that is more conversational instead
of confrontational. Instead of being angry and defensive she will be
listening to what you're saying. This might make it feel safer for her to
concede your point. Our first reaction when we feel threatened is to fight
back. Even if she sees your point she doesn't want to *loose*.
Hope this helps,
Dawn
Johanna wrote---
Also, sometimes she'll say something that isn't true. She's sure it
is how she's saying it but I KNOW she just wasn't attentive at the
time and I'm 1000000% sure it's how I'm saying it. Sometimes there
are even other people around who prove and assure it was how we are
saying it, but she will never comply. We have no idea how to deal
with this. Is it ok to let her in her belief she was right?? She
never accepts that she was wrong! She doesn't accept a "Well
obviously there was a misunderstanding and we will never know" either.
I felt attacked. It sounds like she might feel the same way. How are you
wording it? It sounds to me like you want to *win* the argument as much as
she does. Could it be more of a debate than a conversation? The way we
approach people (children and adults) makes a huge difference. How about,
"Well, I understood it to be...." or "Oh, I thought it was......." or "I
remember it differently....."? In a tone that is more conversational instead
of confrontational. Instead of being angry and defensive she will be
listening to what you're saying. This might make it feel safer for her to
concede your point. Our first reaction when we feel threatened is to fight
back. Even if she sees your point she doesn't want to *loose*.
Hope this helps,
Dawn
Johanna wrote---
Also, sometimes she'll say something that isn't true. She's sure it
is how she's saying it but I KNOW she just wasn't attentive at the
time and I'm 1000000% sure it's how I'm saying it. Sometimes there
are even other people around who prove and assure it was how we are
saying it, but she will never comply. We have no idea how to deal
with this. Is it ok to let her in her belief she was right?? She
never accepts that she was wrong! She doesn't accept a "Well
obviously there was a misunderstanding and we will never know" either.