Update-Ds & sex
Momma
First of all, thank you all so much for all of your kind words, thoughts,
and advice on this. With my husband gone I felt very alone in this
situation. Talking with you all helped me to forget my anger and focus on
helping him.
Well, it turned out to be somewhat of a different issue than what I was
afraid it was. One of the things I had said to him during on of our earlier
talks was that I felt that sex is a wonderful, beautiful, special thing
shared between two consenting adults that love and care about each other.
Well, night before last when we were leaving to go get dinner he was asking
me questions about his conception. I told him that his dad and I had gone on
a very romantic camping trip around the time that I became pregnant and I
liked to think that that was when he was conceived. Didn't seem terrible to
me which it's probably why I missed the reason he was upset. Well, yesterday
when I went to speak to him he just went off. How could I do something like
have sex in a tent when I was the one who had told him that sex was supposed
to be special and beautiful? How could I stoop so low? If sex is supposed to
be special it should only be done in a bed and that doing it anywhere else
was despicable and disgusting. He just kept saying, How could you stoop so
low? That it was because of me that he had so much respect for women and
that I must have no respect for myself to do that.
We talked for several hours. He said that it was okay if his dad and I had
sex (gee, thanks. lol) but he wanted me to promise that from now on we would
only do it our bed. I was kind of stunned and didn't really know what to say
or how to explain it so that he could understand, though I did try. I'm not
sure that it's necessary to try to explain it at length at this point. I
really didn't even know how to explain it. I was thinking that when he got
older it might make more sense to him and best to just leave it alone for
now. We talked and listened and made peace, even though I refused to promise
what he asked. I still wish that I was able to explain it better to him but
I am glad that he regards sex with respect. I just feel as though I may not
have provided him with a piece to the puzzle.
Any thoughts?
Dawn
P.S. We did talk about his treatment of me also. He apologized profusely.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and advice on this. With my husband gone I felt very alone in this
situation. Talking with you all helped me to forget my anger and focus on
helping him.
Well, it turned out to be somewhat of a different issue than what I was
afraid it was. One of the things I had said to him during on of our earlier
talks was that I felt that sex is a wonderful, beautiful, special thing
shared between two consenting adults that love and care about each other.
Well, night before last when we were leaving to go get dinner he was asking
me questions about his conception. I told him that his dad and I had gone on
a very romantic camping trip around the time that I became pregnant and I
liked to think that that was when he was conceived. Didn't seem terrible to
me which it's probably why I missed the reason he was upset. Well, yesterday
when I went to speak to him he just went off. How could I do something like
have sex in a tent when I was the one who had told him that sex was supposed
to be special and beautiful? How could I stoop so low? If sex is supposed to
be special it should only be done in a bed and that doing it anywhere else
was despicable and disgusting. He just kept saying, How could you stoop so
low? That it was because of me that he had so much respect for women and
that I must have no respect for myself to do that.
We talked for several hours. He said that it was okay if his dad and I had
sex (gee, thanks. lol) but he wanted me to promise that from now on we would
only do it our bed. I was kind of stunned and didn't really know what to say
or how to explain it so that he could understand, though I did try. I'm not
sure that it's necessary to try to explain it at length at this point. I
really didn't even know how to explain it. I was thinking that when he got
older it might make more sense to him and best to just leave it alone for
now. We talked and listened and made peace, even though I refused to promise
what he asked. I still wish that I was able to explain it better to him but
I am glad that he regards sex with respect. I just feel as though I may not
have provided him with a piece to the puzzle.
Any thoughts?
Dawn
P.S. We did talk about his treatment of me also. He apologized profusely.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
Hmm haven't quite gotten to this yet (DS is 8 and is just starting to
ask questions for more information on the subject) but maybe see if
you can find an analogy that'd work - something that is special to him
that he does at home, and at the park, and so on. For instance, you
might (depending on your belief system) refer to prayer - that is
something special, something holy, yet it can be done in a tent, in
a 'designated' building, at home, in the car, etc. *Where* is not as
important as that it is done respectfully and so on. That you and your
DH were enjoying that loving, respectful, intimate relationship in a
tent is not as important as that it was a loving, respectful,
beautiful, intimate time (that may very well have resulted in your
wonderful boy).
--Deb
ask questions for more information on the subject) but maybe see if
you can find an analogy that'd work - something that is special to him
that he does at home, and at the park, and so on. For instance, you
might (depending on your belief system) refer to prayer - that is
something special, something holy, yet it can be done in a tent, in
a 'designated' building, at home, in the car, etc. *Where* is not as
important as that it is done respectfully and so on. That you and your
DH were enjoying that loving, respectful, intimate relationship in a
tent is not as important as that it was a loving, respectful,
beautiful, intimate time (that may very well have resulted in your
wonderful boy).
--Deb
marji
Wow, Dawn!!! Thanks for updating us on this thing. It's kind of
funny, but when we find out what's at the crux of an issue, it's
usually not exactly what we imagined it to be, no? :-)
At 11:58 10/4/2006, you wrote:
that it's been good to be honest with him when I'm clueless. I think
that it might be okay to say:
"I wish I was able to explain it better to you, but I am glad that
you regard sex with so much respect."
I think there are some puzzle pieces that folks really have to find
for themselves, and this may be one of them.
Because you are who you are, Dawn, I'm sure he will continue to feel
that way about you, and as he connects all the dots in his life and
realizes further down the road that having sex elsewhere than in your
bed is not a depraved thing to do, he will only build on those
wonderful feelings he has for you.
I'm really glad you made peace with each other! He sounds like a
wonderful person.
Best,
Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
funny, but when we find out what's at the crux of an issue, it's
usually not exactly what we imagined it to be, no? :-)
At 11:58 10/4/2006, you wrote:
>We talked and listened and made peace, even though I refused to promiseIn my experience when dealing with weighty issues with my son, I find
>what he asked. I still wish that I was able to explain it better to him but
>I am glad that he regards sex with respect. I just feel as though I may not
>have provided him with a piece to the puzzle.
that it's been good to be honest with him when I'm clueless. I think
that it might be okay to say:
"I wish I was able to explain it better to you, but I am glad that
you regard sex with so much respect."
I think there are some puzzle pieces that folks really have to find
for themselves, and this may be one of them.
>...That it was because of me that he had so much respect for women...Wow! I would frame that!!
Because you are who you are, Dawn, I'm sure he will continue to feel
that way about you, and as he connects all the dots in his life and
realizes further down the road that having sex elsewhere than in your
bed is not a depraved thing to do, he will only build on those
wonderful feelings he has for you.
I'm really glad you made peace with each other! He sounds like a
wonderful person.
Best,
Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
This was actually an analogy that I used (lol). With our spiritual beliefs
we would prefer to be outdoors for prayer and worship but this is not always
possible.
I think maybe after he has some time to mull it over or to put more
information with what he already knows it will make more sense.
Dawn
Hmm haven't quite gotten to this yet (DS is 8 and is just starting to
ask questions for more information on the subject) but maybe see if
you can find an analogy that'd work - something that is special to him
that he does at home, and at the park, and so on. For instance, you
might (depending on your belief system) refer to prayer - that is
something special, something holy, yet it can be done in a tent, in
a 'designated' building, at home, in the car, etc. *Where* is not as
important as that it is done respectfully and so on. That you and your
DH were enjoying that loving, respectful, intimate relationship in a
tent is not as important as that it was a loving, respectful,
beautiful, intimate time (that may very well have resulted in your
wonderful boy).
--Deb
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
we would prefer to be outdoors for prayer and worship but this is not always
possible.
I think maybe after he has some time to mull it over or to put more
information with what he already knows it will make more sense.
Dawn
Hmm haven't quite gotten to this yet (DS is 8 and is just starting to
ask questions for more information on the subject) but maybe see if
you can find an analogy that'd work - something that is special to him
that he does at home, and at the park, and so on. For instance, you
might (depending on your belief system) refer to prayer - that is
something special, something holy, yet it can be done in a tent, in
a 'designated' building, at home, in the car, etc. *Where* is not as
important as that it is done respectfully and so on. That you and your
DH were enjoying that loving, respectful, intimate relationship in a
tent is not as important as that it was a loving, respectful,
beautiful, intimate time (that may very well have resulted in your
wonderful boy).
--Deb
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
Thank you. We seem to be back to normal today. I am glad that it was not
what I imagined it to be. I learned so much through this and I am grateful
that it turned out the way it did. All that matters is that he and I are
okay again and I that I probably didn't warp him for life (lol).
Dawn
Wow, Dawn!!! Thanks for updating us on this thing. It's kind of
funny, but when we find out what's at the crux of an issue, it's
usually not exactly what we imagined it to be, no? :-)
At 11:58 10/4/2006, you wrote:
that it's been good to be honest with him when I'm clueless. I think
that it might be okay to say:
"I wish I was able to explain it better to you, but I am glad that
you regard sex with so much respect."
I think there are some puzzle pieces that folks really have to find
for themselves, and this may be one of them.
Because you are who you are, Dawn, I'm sure he will continue to feel
that way about you, and as he connects all the dots in his life and
realizes further down the road that having sex elsewhere than in your
bed is not a depraved thing to do, he will only build on those
wonderful feelings he has for you.
I'm really glad you made peace with each other! He sounds like a
wonderful person.
Best,
Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
what I imagined it to be. I learned so much through this and I am grateful
that it turned out the way it did. All that matters is that he and I are
okay again and I that I probably didn't warp him for life (lol).
Dawn
Wow, Dawn!!! Thanks for updating us on this thing. It's kind of
funny, but when we find out what's at the crux of an issue, it's
usually not exactly what we imagined it to be, no? :-)
At 11:58 10/4/2006, you wrote:
>We talked and listened and made peace, even though I refused to promiseIn my experience when dealing with weighty issues with my son, I find
>what he asked. I still wish that I was able to explain it better to him but
>I am glad that he regards sex with respect. I just feel as though I may not
>have provided him with a piece to the puzzle.
that it's been good to be honest with him when I'm clueless. I think
that it might be okay to say:
"I wish I was able to explain it better to you, but I am glad that
you regard sex with so much respect."
I think there are some puzzle pieces that folks really have to find
for themselves, and this may be one of them.
>...That it was because of me that he had so much respect for women...Wow! I would frame that!!
Because you are who you are, Dawn, I'm sure he will continue to feel
that way about you, and as he connects all the dots in his life and
realizes further down the road that having sex elsewhere than in your
bed is not a depraved thing to do, he will only build on those
wonderful feelings he has for you.
I'm really glad you made peace with each other! He sounds like a
wonderful person.
Best,
Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 10/4/06, Momma <southernbelle@...> wrote:
car, his partner's parent's sofa, his old tree house, his dorm room,
or the elevator are going to be acceptable settings. :-D Now I will
grant you that I think that a bed can be one of the more comfortable
places.
He's trying to hard to figure this all out and it is a huge amount of
information for him to sort through. Give him time. He'll figure it
out eventually.
Michelle - who had her own ideas about what sex was all about when she
was probably that age which she later came to find out weren't just so
> I was thinking that when he gotI think that when he is older he is going to think the back seat of a
> older it might make more sense to him and best to just leave it alone for
> now.
> Any thoughts?
>
car, his partner's parent's sofa, his old tree house, his dorm room,
or the elevator are going to be acceptable settings. :-D Now I will
grant you that I think that a bed can be one of the more comfortable
places.
He's trying to hard to figure this all out and it is a huge amount of
information for him to sort through. Give him time. He'll figure it
out eventually.
Michelle - who had her own ideas about what sex was all about when she
was probably that age which she later came to find out weren't just so