More about "When kids push your buttons"
Renee McGraw
For the Moms
~Book Review "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About
It"
~by Bonnie Harris
http://www.bonnieharris.com/
This has been this single most informative and understandable resource to
unlocking the ruts I have been stuck in. The author uses William Howell's
model of the Four Stages of Competency applied to parenting:
Stage 1:
Unconscious Incompetency.
I react automatically w/ no consideration for long-term consequences. I
feel exhausted and resentful.
Stage 2:
Conscious Incompetency.
I am aware of the effects of what I say and do. I have learned what I want
to do differently, but when face-to-face w/ my combative child, I can't do
it. I feel guilty, angry, and incompetent.
Stage 3:
Conscious Competency.
With continued practice and support, I am focused on using new skills. I am
effective most of the time. I feel hopeful.
Stage 4:
Conscious Incompetency.
I almost always respond automatically w/ effective communication. I feel
successful, fulfilled, and have fun w/ my family.
I sincerely recommend getting a copy of this book.
Read it.
Read it again in a few weeks. ~I plan too!
I found I have many more buttons than I ever realized. The tools and
insight Ms. Harris provided are already proving beneficial.
Being a mom to and 18 and 15 year old using traditional parenting styles I
swung from one extreme to the other when my 2 year old came along. From
wanting total submission to authority to feeling like I had to keep the kids
happy all the time. ~At my expense!
I'm realizing that boundaries are healthy. There is a happy medium and I
WILL eventually see it. I have the right to feel as I do......be it anger
or joy.....(just as my kids do)......however *I* am responsible for my
feelings. My rage does not really come from being yelled at by my 2 year
old or because my 18 year old still throws her clothes in the floor instead
of the laundry area. By changing my perception I can see that *I* need to
take responsibility for my own anger and not blame it on anyone else. It's
a habit I fell into many years ago. If I can blame someone else for my
issues with statements such as ......."You are really pissing me
off"........instead of owning them......"this makes me angry because I
feel......".......then I don't have to open old wounds and examine what
about the situation pisses me off. In other words I can change the blame to
self exploration, let the wounds dry up, and move on.
My dear mama friends, please get yourself a copy of this book!
I'm sure it will be a blessing and a relief!
Love to all,
Nay
http://360.yahoo.com/dazynay
Facing a mirror you see merely your own countenance; facing your child you
finally understand how everyone else has seen you.
~Daniel Raeburn, The New Yorker, 05-01-2006
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
~Book Review "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About
It"
~by Bonnie Harris
http://www.bonnieharris.com/
This has been this single most informative and understandable resource to
unlocking the ruts I have been stuck in. The author uses William Howell's
model of the Four Stages of Competency applied to parenting:
Stage 1:
Unconscious Incompetency.
I react automatically w/ no consideration for long-term consequences. I
feel exhausted and resentful.
Stage 2:
Conscious Incompetency.
I am aware of the effects of what I say and do. I have learned what I want
to do differently, but when face-to-face w/ my combative child, I can't do
it. I feel guilty, angry, and incompetent.
Stage 3:
Conscious Competency.
With continued practice and support, I am focused on using new skills. I am
effective most of the time. I feel hopeful.
Stage 4:
Conscious Incompetency.
I almost always respond automatically w/ effective communication. I feel
successful, fulfilled, and have fun w/ my family.
I sincerely recommend getting a copy of this book.
Read it.
Read it again in a few weeks. ~I plan too!
I found I have many more buttons than I ever realized. The tools and
insight Ms. Harris provided are already proving beneficial.
Being a mom to and 18 and 15 year old using traditional parenting styles I
swung from one extreme to the other when my 2 year old came along. From
wanting total submission to authority to feeling like I had to keep the kids
happy all the time. ~At my expense!
I'm realizing that boundaries are healthy. There is a happy medium and I
WILL eventually see it. I have the right to feel as I do......be it anger
or joy.....(just as my kids do)......however *I* am responsible for my
feelings. My rage does not really come from being yelled at by my 2 year
old or because my 18 year old still throws her clothes in the floor instead
of the laundry area. By changing my perception I can see that *I* need to
take responsibility for my own anger and not blame it on anyone else. It's
a habit I fell into many years ago. If I can blame someone else for my
issues with statements such as ......."You are really pissing me
off"........instead of owning them......"this makes me angry because I
feel......".......then I don't have to open old wounds and examine what
about the situation pisses me off. In other words I can change the blame to
self exploration, let the wounds dry up, and move on.
My dear mama friends, please get yourself a copy of this book!
I'm sure it will be a blessing and a relief!
Love to all,
Nay
http://360.yahoo.com/dazynay
Facing a mirror you see merely your own countenance; facing your child you
finally understand how everyone else has seen you.
~Daniel Raeburn, The New Yorker, 05-01-2006
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 10/3/06, Renee McGraw <woman.evolving@...> wrote:
throughout or is this your synopsis. I am not sure I want to read a
book that talks about my child in terms of being "combative." I do
agree that our emotions must be owned by ourselves and not others. I
do believe in effective communication. I'm not sure I could read a
book where the author considers children in such negative terms. As
though the child is purposefully willful for whatever reason.
Combative implies that someone is out to be clashing with you. It is
a purposeful action (vice an action of ommission).
Has anyone else read this book?
Michelle
> Stage 2:Does this book use such negative terms in regards to children
> Conscious Incompetency.
> I am aware of the effects of what I say and do. I have learned what I want
> to do differently, but when face-to-face w/ my combative child, I can't do
> it. I feel guilty, angry, and incompetent.
throughout or is this your synopsis. I am not sure I want to read a
book that talks about my child in terms of being "combative." I do
agree that our emotions must be owned by ourselves and not others. I
do believe in effective communication. I'm not sure I could read a
book where the author considers children in such negative terms. As
though the child is purposefully willful for whatever reason.
Combative implies that someone is out to be clashing with you. It is
a purposeful action (vice an action of ommission).
Has anyone else read this book?
Michelle
Jane
I'm in the process of reading this book. It most definitely has some "icky bits" -- pieces such as you quoted. While this may not be the ultimate read for someone new or unfamiliar with unschooling, it has some amazing content for those of us on the path and able to sift through what doesn't apply.
I passed it by myself on the library shelf due to the tone of the title. But, since I've been reading it, I'm glad I didn't judge it by its cover.
Fwiw, I know of no book (with the exception of Rue's book!!) that I wholeheartedly agree with. There are pieces in just about everything I don't agree with, don't get, or the like. This book is no different.
Hth,
Jane
Jane Powell
Tribe's Partner
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi
"There is no right way to do the wrong thing." - unknown
---------------------------------
Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I passed it by myself on the library shelf due to the tone of the title. But, since I've been reading it, I'm glad I didn't judge it by its cover.
Fwiw, I know of no book (with the exception of Rue's book!!) that I wholeheartedly agree with. There are pieces in just about everything I don't agree with, don't get, or the like. This book is no different.
Hth,
Jane
Jane Powell
Tribe's Partner
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi
"There is no right way to do the wrong thing." - unknown
---------------------------------
Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Renee McGraw
> -----Original Message-----~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> From: [email protected]
>On Behalf Of Michelle Leifur Reid
> Does this book use such negative terms in regards to children
> throughout or is this your synopsis. I am not sure I want to read a
> book that talks about my child in terms of being "combative."
These are the words the book uses.
I understand that many of you are at a place within yourself that I have not
yet reached, and have the tools (and language) that I have not yet
developed. I am learning to bring awareness and compassion to situations
where I have previously felt myself spinning out of control in anger.
There is some language in the book that I'm sure you and many others will
not care for.
However, the ideas presented on how to get a handle on yourself has been
extremely helpful to me, as I am just beginning to practice a more peaceful
lifestyle. The book brought awareness and light to situations I couldn't
see past with language that I can understand at the stage I am at.
My intention is to share a resource that is helping me move toward a more
peaceful and respectful place with myself and family, which is a big part of
RU as *I* understand it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Combative implies that someone is out to be clashing with you. It is~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> a purposeful action (vice an action of ommission).
The word "combative" came from step 2 of 4 in moving toward being able to
handle situations with respect to your child's feelings instead of taking
the behavior personally and reacting w/ anger. I can see how that language
would not lead a person closer to RU but in the context of the book it seems
to illustrate the progress of movement.......
BEFORE: I viewed my child as combative
AFTER: I see that my child's actions/behavior are an expression of
individual temperament and needs in this moment. How can I help him/her to
work through it, meet those needs and not take it as a personal attack.
I suppose it's up to each individual to interpret these things for
themselves, taking what is helpful to them and leaving the rest.
I'm glad this spurred some discussion.
Renee
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]