Help with ds-sex
Momma
I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex. We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up. He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50 emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak to me
again.
Help!!!
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex. We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up. He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50 emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak to me
again.
Help!!!
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanne
Wow. (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You must be scared, confused and
hurt.
Where could he be getting these ideas? Has he been spending time
with anyone that may have told him these things? Maybe a web site or
a book? Could there be any way possible he may have been sexually
molested recently?
I ask because my children came to us through foster care and had
been sexually molested. When that happens to a child, their view of
sex can become warped and my middle child acted out in sexually
inappropriate ways for a long time after we adopted her.
I hope you get to the root of this. (((hugs)))
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
--- In [email protected], "Momma"
<southernbelle@...> wrote:
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You must be scared, confused and
hurt.
Where could he be getting these ideas? Has he been spending time
with anyone that may have told him these things? Maybe a web site or
a book? Could there be any way possible he may have been sexually
molested recently?
I ask because my children came to us through foster care and had
been sexually molested. When that happens to a child, their view of
sex can become warped and my middle child acted out in sexually
inappropriate ways for a long time after we adopted her.
I hope you get to the root of this. (((hugs)))
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
--- In [email protected], "Momma"
<southernbelle@...> wrote:
>do.
> I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to
>sex. We
> For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about
> have had some really good conversations about it. He is veryembarrassed
> about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that hewas able to
> even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could.He told me
> after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had amother who was
> not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.answered them
>
> Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I
> the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and hestarted to get
> upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad'ssex life.
> He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore.When I asked
> him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upsetand was
> crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. Ithought
> maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he wokeup. He
> did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave mea hug and
> said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which wehad just
> talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh isout of
> town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got readyto go get
> some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we wereleaving
> and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me adisgusting sicko.
> I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me yousicko!" I was
> very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down.He didn't.
> In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks itwould
> take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He keptslamming
> things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. Tobe honest
> I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and consideredlocking my
> door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told himwhat was
> going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up thismorning he
> had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about50 emails
> calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would neverspeak to me
> again.
>
> Help!!!
>
> Dawn
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
marji
Whew!! ((((((((Dawn)))))))) This is a tough situation! It's hard
for me to know exactly what to do, since I don't know you or your son
or what the actual conversations were that triggered his intense
reaction. On the basis of what you're saying, though, here's what I might do:
I don't think you can actually speak with him, but you could
communicate. How would you feel about writing him a note or an email
to ask for a truce? I think I would tell him that I can see he's
**really** upset with me, and that I want to understand better what
his issue is and help him work this through so we can heal our
relationship. I would tell him that I'm the same person I've always
been and that I love him hugely and am sad to see him in so much
pain. I would also ask him if there may be someone else he'd feel
comfortable with to work this through. I would be sure to apologize
for any way I might have hurt or confused him without my knowing
(but, that's the way I am).
I think those actions may at least get your toe in the door, but I
really don't know. Please keep us posted about this and let us know
what happens. I'll be thinking of you!
Marji
At 09:46 10/3/2006, you wrote:
for me to know exactly what to do, since I don't know you or your son
or what the actual conversations were that triggered his intense
reaction. On the basis of what you're saying, though, here's what I might do:
I don't think you can actually speak with him, but you could
communicate. How would you feel about writing him a note or an email
to ask for a truce? I think I would tell him that I can see he's
**really** upset with me, and that I want to understand better what
his issue is and help him work this through so we can heal our
relationship. I would tell him that I'm the same person I've always
been and that I love him hugely and am sad to see him in so much
pain. I would also ask him if there may be someone else he'd feel
comfortable with to work this through. I would be sure to apologize
for any way I might have hurt or confused him without my knowing
(but, that's the way I am).
I think those actions may at least get your toe in the door, but I
really don't know. Please keep us posted about this and let us know
what happens. I'll be thinking of you!
Marji
At 09:46 10/3/2006, you wrote:
>I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex...
Momma
Well, I've learned never to say never, but he's pretty much with me 24 hours
a day. Thinking back I can't think of a time in the last few months when he
was away from me at all except to visit grandma for the weekend. He could
have seen something on the internet but he is so embarrassed about sex that
I doubt he would look for anything on purpose. I'm not sure where this
embarrassment comes from. Could it just be his age?
Dawn
Wow. (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You must be scared, confused and
hurt.
Where could he be getting these ideas? Has he been spending time
with anyone that may have told him these things? Maybe a web site or
a book? Could there be any way possible he may have been sexually
molested recently?
I ask because my children came to us through foster care and had
been sexually molested. When that happens to a child, their view of
sex can become warped and my middle child acted out in sexually
inappropriate ways for a long time after we adopted her.
I hope you get to the root of this. (((hugs)))
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714/grpId=12789513/grpspId=1600081972/msgI
d=17778/stime=1159886143/nc1=3848542/nc2=2/nc3=3>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
a day. Thinking back I can't think of a time in the last few months when he
was away from me at all except to visit grandma for the weekend. He could
have seen something on the internet but he is so embarrassed about sex that
I doubt he would look for anything on purpose. I'm not sure where this
embarrassment comes from. Could it just be his age?
Dawn
Wow. (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You must be scared, confused and
hurt.
Where could he be getting these ideas? Has he been spending time
with anyone that may have told him these things? Maybe a web site or
a book? Could there be any way possible he may have been sexually
molested recently?
I ask because my children came to us through foster care and had
been sexually molested. When that happens to a child, their view of
sex can become warped and my middle child acted out in sexually
inappropriate ways for a long time after we adopted her.
I hope you get to the root of this. (((hugs)))
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714/grpId=12789513/grpspId=1600081972/msgI
d=17778/stime=1159886143/nc1=3848542/nc2=2/nc3=3>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
Well, I've learned never to say never, but he's pretty much with me 24 hours
a day. Thinking back I can't think of a time in the last few months when he
was away from me at all except to visit grandma for the weekend. He could
have seen something on the internet but he is so embarrassed about sex that
I doubt he would look for anything on purpose. I'm not sure where this
embarrassment comes from. Could it just be his age?
Dawn
Wow. (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You must be scared, confused and
hurt.
Where could he be getting these ideas? Has he been spending time
with anyone that may have told him these things? Maybe a web site or
a book? Could there be any way possible he may have been sexually
molested recently?
I ask because my children came to us through foster care and had
been sexually molested. When that happens to a child, their view of
sex can become warped and my middle child acted out in sexually
inappropriate ways for a long time after we adopted her.
I hope you get to the root of this. (((hugs)))
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714/grpId=12789513/grpspId=1600081972/msgI
d=17778/stime=1159886143/nc1=3848542/nc2=2/nc3=3>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
a day. Thinking back I can't think of a time in the last few months when he
was away from me at all except to visit grandma for the weekend. He could
have seen something on the internet but he is so embarrassed about sex that
I doubt he would look for anything on purpose. I'm not sure where this
embarrassment comes from. Could it just be his age?
Dawn
Wow. (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You must be scared, confused and
hurt.
Where could he be getting these ideas? Has he been spending time
with anyone that may have told him these things? Maybe a web site or
a book? Could there be any way possible he may have been sexually
molested recently?
I ask because my children came to us through foster care and had
been sexually molested. When that happens to a child, their view of
sex can become warped and my middle child acted out in sexually
inappropriate ways for a long time after we adopted her.
I hope you get to the root of this. (((hugs)))
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714/grpId=12789513/grpspId=1600081972/msgI
d=17778/stime=1159886143/nc1=3848542/nc2=2/nc3=3>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
I did respond to one of his emails this morning but he's still asleep and
hasn't responded yet. I asked him why he thought those things. I don't know
if he will respond at all.
I am having trouble thinking clearly about how to handle this because I am
having so many emotions of my own. I am very hurt and to be honest, very
angry. I have kept my emotions under control throughout the situation and
tried to be calm and understanding.
I have never been treated like this before. I am just flabbergasted really.
I think hubby would be sleeping in the driveway if he had treated me this
way:-)
I know that getting angry will not help the situation at all and will surely
only make it worse, but right now I am basically just letting him treat me
this way and I know that is not right either.
Dawn
Whew!! ((((((((Dawn)))))))) This is a tough situation! It's hard
for me to know exactly what to do, since I don't know you or your son
or what the actual conversations were that triggered his intense
reaction. On the basis of what you're saying, though, here's what I might
do:
I don't think you can actually speak with him, but you could
communicate. How would you feel about writing him a note or an email
to ask for a truce? I think I would tell him that I can see he's
**really** upset with me, and that I want to understand better what
his issue is and help him work this through so we can heal our
relationship. I would tell him that I'm the same person I've always
been and that I love him hugely and am sad to see him in so much
pain. I would also ask him if there may be someone else he'd feel
comfortable with to work this through. I would be sure to apologize
for any way I might have hurt or confused him without my knowing
(but, that's the way I am).
I think those actions may at least get your toe in the door, but I
really don't know. Please keep us posted about this and let us know
what happens. I'll be thinking of you!
Marji
At 09:46 10/3/2006, you wrote:
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hasn't responded yet. I asked him why he thought those things. I don't know
if he will respond at all.
I am having trouble thinking clearly about how to handle this because I am
having so many emotions of my own. I am very hurt and to be honest, very
angry. I have kept my emotions under control throughout the situation and
tried to be calm and understanding.
I have never been treated like this before. I am just flabbergasted really.
I think hubby would be sleeping in the driveway if he had treated me this
way:-)
I know that getting angry will not help the situation at all and will surely
only make it worse, but right now I am basically just letting him treat me
this way and I know that is not right either.
Dawn
Whew!! ((((((((Dawn)))))))) This is a tough situation! It's hard
for me to know exactly what to do, since I don't know you or your son
or what the actual conversations were that triggered his intense
reaction. On the basis of what you're saying, though, here's what I might
do:
I don't think you can actually speak with him, but you could
communicate. How would you feel about writing him a note or an email
to ask for a truce? I think I would tell him that I can see he's
**really** upset with me, and that I want to understand better what
his issue is and help him work this through so we can heal our
relationship. I would tell him that I'm the same person I've always
been and that I love him hugely and am sad to see him in so much
pain. I would also ask him if there may be someone else he'd feel
comfortable with to work this through. I would be sure to apologize
for any way I might have hurt or confused him without my knowing
(but, that's the way I am).
I think those actions may at least get your toe in the door, but I
really don't know. Please keep us posted about this and let us know
what happens. I'll be thinking of you!
Marji
At 09:46 10/3/2006, you wrote:
>I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Michelle Leifur Reid
Dawn, do you have a minister/priest/rabbi/iman/pastor/etc who could
talk to him? I remember my brother went through a similar thing. Sex
was a dirty word to him at that age. He also told my parents not to
"do that" anymore. (I think he still likes to believe in immaculate
conception to answer his and our sibling's existance even at 34yo and
a child of his own.) We are sexual creatures. It's just a part of
our lives. I remember my mom had our priest talk to my brother about
some sexual issues he was going through. It helped him to know that
our priest had sex (Episcopal priests can marry) and had a sexual
life. It also helped to hear from someone my brother revered that sex
was natural and a good thing and nothing to be ashamed of.
Have you seen him naked recently? I ask this because I wonder if
there are some changes going on in his body that maybe happening
earlier than with other boys his age. Maybe his friends are not going
through those changes as quickly? Perhaps he said something about the
presence of hair or enlargement of genetalia or perhaps even an
erection or sexually vivid dream and was ridiculed or made fun of. I
remember that my brother went from being "Mr. Exhibitionist" to
"Eeeek! You might see my body" in just a matter of weeks.
This may be a place where mom can step back and let a trusted male do
some talking. It may be that anything that you say may make things
worse. He may find you just trying to justify yourself. Perhaps he
needs to see a male pov about sexual issues. See things from a "man's
perspective" so to speak. And it could be the whole "mother is
sacred" thing that he is having problems with. He may consider you
"sicko" because his *mother* did "those things" and for some children
that is a very difficult thing to consider. To prove that point, I
was in my late 20's maybe early 30's when my mom made some reference
to her sexualness. (Had to do with not being able to live with the
Shakers because they don't have sex.) GASP! My *mom* has sex. And
then a year or so ago I was helping my mom clean out my dad's office
(again) and came across a sample pack of Viagra!! Why would my
*parents* need *that*? :-D It's sometimes difficult for even grown
children who see themselves as sexual creatures to think of their
parents as sexual creatures.
Michelle - whose 11yo is convinced that there must be some other way
for people to get pregnant than having sex!
talk to him? I remember my brother went through a similar thing. Sex
was a dirty word to him at that age. He also told my parents not to
"do that" anymore. (I think he still likes to believe in immaculate
conception to answer his and our sibling's existance even at 34yo and
a child of his own.) We are sexual creatures. It's just a part of
our lives. I remember my mom had our priest talk to my brother about
some sexual issues he was going through. It helped him to know that
our priest had sex (Episcopal priests can marry) and had a sexual
life. It also helped to hear from someone my brother revered that sex
was natural and a good thing and nothing to be ashamed of.
Have you seen him naked recently? I ask this because I wonder if
there are some changes going on in his body that maybe happening
earlier than with other boys his age. Maybe his friends are not going
through those changes as quickly? Perhaps he said something about the
presence of hair or enlargement of genetalia or perhaps even an
erection or sexually vivid dream and was ridiculed or made fun of. I
remember that my brother went from being "Mr. Exhibitionist" to
"Eeeek! You might see my body" in just a matter of weeks.
This may be a place where mom can step back and let a trusted male do
some talking. It may be that anything that you say may make things
worse. He may find you just trying to justify yourself. Perhaps he
needs to see a male pov about sexual issues. See things from a "man's
perspective" so to speak. And it could be the whole "mother is
sacred" thing that he is having problems with. He may consider you
"sicko" because his *mother* did "those things" and for some children
that is a very difficult thing to consider. To prove that point, I
was in my late 20's maybe early 30's when my mom made some reference
to her sexualness. (Had to do with not being able to live with the
Shakers because they don't have sex.) GASP! My *mom* has sex. And
then a year or so ago I was helping my mom clean out my dad's office
(again) and came across a sample pack of Viagra!! Why would my
*parents* need *that*? :-D It's sometimes difficult for even grown
children who see themselves as sexual creatures to think of their
parents as sexual creatures.
Michelle - whose 11yo is convinced that there must be some other way
for people to get pregnant than having sex!
Momma
I was wondering if some of the things he has seen on TV or just passing
comments or innuendos may have some effect on his ideas about sex. Maybe
it's somehow come across to him as something dirty and twisted. When we were
talking about sex I tried to put forth that it is a totally natural and
beautiful thing that 2 people share. I really tried to drive that point
home. Guess I wasn't able to get that across. I feel like I am competing
with all these ideas that come in to our lives from the outside world.
Dawn
Joanne wrote--
Has he been spending time
with anyone that may have told him these things? Maybe a web site or
a book?
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714/grpId=12789513/grpspId=1600081972/msgI
d=17778/stime=1159886143/nc1=3848542/nc2=2/nc3=3>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
comments or innuendos may have some effect on his ideas about sex. Maybe
it's somehow come across to him as something dirty and twisted. When we were
talking about sex I tried to put forth that it is a totally natural and
beautiful thing that 2 people share. I really tried to drive that point
home. Guess I wasn't able to get that across. I feel like I am competing
with all these ideas that come in to our lives from the outside world.
Dawn
Joanne wrote--
Has he been spending time
with anyone that may have told him these things? Maybe a web site or
a book?
.
<http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714/grpId=12789513/grpspId=1600081972/msgI
d=17778/stime=1159886143/nc1=3848542/nc2=2/nc3=3>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Teresa Bulpin
Hi Dawn,
What a difficult situation for you (((((hugs)))))
I hope I'm not out of line in suggesting this but dod you think there could be something Oedipal going on ?
I was a single mom to my eldest ds until I met someone and started dating when ds was about 5. Although they got on really well (and still do because I've now been married to the guy for 6 yrs !) my son would completely freak out if I went out on dates in the evening. Turns out he was just very scared of losing the special relationship we had together.
I just wonder whether your ds - now being aware of the sexual element to adult relationships- has realised that this is something you share with dh that he can't share with you ?
Add into the mix his new knowledge of what sex is and I could kind of understand where he might be coming from. Maybe the idea of sex grosses him out a bit (I know it did me when I first thought about it in any depth!) and he's both grossed out and a little terrified at what this new info means to your relationship ?
Just my thoughts - hope they don't offend :)
Teresa
Momma <southernbelle@...> wrote:
I did respond to one of his emails this morning but he's still asleep and
hasn't responded yet. I asked him why he thought those things. I don't know
if he will respond at all.
I am having trouble thinking clearly about how to handle this because I am
having so many emotions of my own. I am very hurt and to be honest, very
angry. I have kept my emotions under control throughout the situation and
tried to be calm and understanding.
I have never been treated like this before. I am just flabbergasted really.
I think hubby would be sleeping in the driveway if he had treated me this
way:-)
I know that getting angry will not help the situation at all and will surely
only make it worse, but right now I am basically just letting him treat me
this way and I know that is not right either.
Dawn
Whew!! ((((((((Dawn)))))))) This is a tough situation! It's hard
for me to know exactly what to do, since I don't know you or your son
or what the actual conversations were that triggered his intense
reaction. On the basis of what you're saying, though, here's what I might
do:
I don't think you can actually speak with him, but you could
communicate. How would you feel about writing him a note or an email
to ask for a truce? I think I would tell him that I can see he's
**really** upset with me, and that I want to understand better what
his issue is and help him work this through so we can heal our
relationship. I would tell him that I'm the same person I've always
been and that I love him hugely and am sad to see him in so much
pain. I would also ask him if there may be someone else he'd feel
comfortable with to work this through. I would be sure to apologize
for any way I might have hurt or confused him without my knowing
(but, that's the way I am).
I think those actions may at least get your toe in the door, but I
really don't know. Please keep us posted about this and let us know
what happens. I'll be thinking of you!
Marji
At 09:46 10/3/2006, you wrote:
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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What a difficult situation for you (((((hugs)))))
I hope I'm not out of line in suggesting this but dod you think there could be something Oedipal going on ?
I was a single mom to my eldest ds until I met someone and started dating when ds was about 5. Although they got on really well (and still do because I've now been married to the guy for 6 yrs !) my son would completely freak out if I went out on dates in the evening. Turns out he was just very scared of losing the special relationship we had together.
I just wonder whether your ds - now being aware of the sexual element to adult relationships- has realised that this is something you share with dh that he can't share with you ?
Add into the mix his new knowledge of what sex is and I could kind of understand where he might be coming from. Maybe the idea of sex grosses him out a bit (I know it did me when I first thought about it in any depth!) and he's both grossed out and a little terrified at what this new info means to your relationship ?
Just my thoughts - hope they don't offend :)
Teresa
Momma <southernbelle@...> wrote:
I did respond to one of his emails this morning but he's still asleep and
hasn't responded yet. I asked him why he thought those things. I don't know
if he will respond at all.
I am having trouble thinking clearly about how to handle this because I am
having so many emotions of my own. I am very hurt and to be honest, very
angry. I have kept my emotions under control throughout the situation and
tried to be calm and understanding.
I have never been treated like this before. I am just flabbergasted really.
I think hubby would be sleeping in the driveway if he had treated me this
way:-)
I know that getting angry will not help the situation at all and will surely
only make it worse, but right now I am basically just letting him treat me
this way and I know that is not right either.
Dawn
Whew!! ((((((((Dawn)))))))) This is a tough situation! It's hard
for me to know exactly what to do, since I don't know you or your son
or what the actual conversations were that triggered his intense
reaction. On the basis of what you're saying, though, here's what I might
do:
I don't think you can actually speak with him, but you could
communicate. How would you feel about writing him a note or an email
to ask for a truce? I think I would tell him that I can see he's
**really** upset with me, and that I want to understand better what
his issue is and help him work this through so we can heal our
relationship. I would tell him that I'm the same person I've always
been and that I love him hugely and am sad to see him in so much
pain. I would also ask him if there may be someone else he'd feel
comfortable with to work this through. I would be sure to apologize
for any way I might have hurt or confused him without my knowing
(but, that's the way I am).
I think those actions may at least get your toe in the door, but I
really don't know. Please keep us posted about this and let us know
what happens. I'll be thinking of you!
Marji
At 09:46 10/3/2006, you wrote:
>I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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Su
Hi, Dawn, I want to tell you how sorry I am that this happened. And I
am really thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.
First, I would have to say that I think you and your child should see
someone professionally as soon as possible. A therapist could really
bring some insight to what the root of the problem is. I wouldn't let
the person dwell on unschooling or anything out of this range, a lot
of times therapists want a quick solution, just stick with the
situation that is in front of you. Your son has a lot of anger and
right now he is not seeing you as a good person. It doesn't look like
this will just go away on its own, it will probably just keep coming
up and coming up maybe even in different forms.
If your child is seeing sex as something dirty you need to find out
where that information came from. It just may be that he has seen some
images either on tv or online that were really hard core.
But it seems to me that he is really sending up some danger signals.
I think you could talk about this for a long time and still never get
to the core of what is happened in his head.
I also have to disagree with someone telling you to apologize. Your
son might think you are really guilty of something bad if you keep
apologizing for nothing. (what would you be apologizing for? having
sex? That is NOTHING to be ashamed of or that you need to be SORRY
about. That is what brought that child into this world. Beautiful,
consensual sex should be revered and honored not apologized for. I
think your son needs to know or be reminded that it is a wonderful,
beautiful thing to have sex with the person you love and even some ppl
you don't;). But also all sex is not the same, there is also dangerous
scary sex, molestation, rape, incest. There are appropriate ways to
explain abuse to a child of 10, I explain to my 9 yr old, that
violence can take many forms. And that the victims is never guilty or
bad, simply because something bad has happened to them.
Another thing, have you talked about the fact that he himself is a
direct result of sex and so is everyone he knows!!
If he is lashing out at you directly, I would think that it is because
he feels safe enough with you to try to defuse and process whatever
has happened and still be in a place of love. Feel good that he knows
you love him enough to support him through this, even if that is
unconcious on his part. But his actions are not appropriate, I
wouldn't apologize and let him call you vile names, I would get him
some help.
Good luck to you, and know that you are really supported here!!
suzanne
In [email protected], "Momma" <southernbelle@...> wrote:
am really thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.
First, I would have to say that I think you and your child should see
someone professionally as soon as possible. A therapist could really
bring some insight to what the root of the problem is. I wouldn't let
the person dwell on unschooling or anything out of this range, a lot
of times therapists want a quick solution, just stick with the
situation that is in front of you. Your son has a lot of anger and
right now he is not seeing you as a good person. It doesn't look like
this will just go away on its own, it will probably just keep coming
up and coming up maybe even in different forms.
If your child is seeing sex as something dirty you need to find out
where that information came from. It just may be that he has seen some
images either on tv or online that were really hard core.
But it seems to me that he is really sending up some danger signals.
I think you could talk about this for a long time and still never get
to the core of what is happened in his head.
I also have to disagree with someone telling you to apologize. Your
son might think you are really guilty of something bad if you keep
apologizing for nothing. (what would you be apologizing for? having
sex? That is NOTHING to be ashamed of or that you need to be SORRY
about. That is what brought that child into this world. Beautiful,
consensual sex should be revered and honored not apologized for. I
think your son needs to know or be reminded that it is a wonderful,
beautiful thing to have sex with the person you love and even some ppl
you don't;). But also all sex is not the same, there is also dangerous
scary sex, molestation, rape, incest. There are appropriate ways to
explain abuse to a child of 10, I explain to my 9 yr old, that
violence can take many forms. And that the victims is never guilty or
bad, simply because something bad has happened to them.
Another thing, have you talked about the fact that he himself is a
direct result of sex and so is everyone he knows!!
If he is lashing out at you directly, I would think that it is because
he feels safe enough with you to try to defuse and process whatever
has happened and still be in a place of love. Feel good that he knows
you love him enough to support him through this, even if that is
unconcious on his part. But his actions are not appropriate, I
wouldn't apologize and let him call you vile names, I would get him
some help.
Good luck to you, and know that you are really supported here!!
suzanne
In [email protected], "Momma" <southernbelle@...> wrote:
>sex. We
> I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.
>
> For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about
> have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassedable to
> about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was
> even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. Hetold me
> after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a motherwho was
> not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.them
>
> Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered
> the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and hestarted to get
> upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad'ssex life.
> He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. WhenI asked
> him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and wasthought
> crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I
> maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he wokeup. He
> did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me ahug and
> said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which wehad just
> talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out ofto go get
> town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready
> some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we wereleaving
> and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgustingsicko.
> I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me yousicko!" I was
> very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. Hedidn't.
> In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it wouldslamming
> take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept
> things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. Tobe honest
> I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and consideredlocking my
> door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what wasmorning he
> going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this
> had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about50 emails
> calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would neverspeak to me
> again.
>
> Help!!!
>
> Dawn
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: southernbelle@...
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex.
We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was
able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He
told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother
who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
-=-=-=-=-
Cool.
But has he talked to friends about it or played on the 'net to see what
it *looks* like?
I remember being ten and having two friends tell me what it was all
about. I KNEW they were lying through their teeth---NOTHING could be
that disgusting! <g>
Duncan, at ten, has a better idea about sex than I did, but he still
finds it pretty gross. He laughs at sex jokes on Family Guy---and loves
Stephen Lynch's "The Bad Professor" song, but he's actually still in
the dark about what it *really* is. I mean---he groans at all the right
spots, but I think he's just following the laugh tracks and our own
rolling eyes! <g>
-=-=-=-=
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered
them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started
to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex
life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I
asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I
thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up.
He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug
and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had
just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to
go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were
leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting
sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I
was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He
didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept
slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be
honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking
my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning
he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50
emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak
to me
again.
Help!!!
-=-=-=-
I'm sorry you're going through this---but think about it: it DOES seem
pretty sicko from a ten year old point of view---and *I* would actually
hope that it WOULD! I wouldn't want a ten year old to think it's
something he should run out and do. The sicko feeling is probably
*healthy*!
Plus, I think the idea of your *PARENTS'* doing anything remotely
sexual would seem weird to a kid---it's still weird for ME to think
about my parents' having sex! <bwg> I remember when Cam and I were
discussing sex when he was 17: he was a little weirded out when I told
him that his dad and I had had sex as recently as that morning. <G>
I'm sure he'll be OK. Time and patience. But I hope he'll try to
explain *why* he's having such strong feelings. I'm sure neither of you
likes to be in this position! He's probably really, really confused and
weirded out.
Sorry---no words of wisdom. Maybe someone else has been in this
situation?
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
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From: southernbelle@...
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex.
We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was
able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He
told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother
who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
-=-=-=-=-
Cool.
But has he talked to friends about it or played on the 'net to see what
it *looks* like?
I remember being ten and having two friends tell me what it was all
about. I KNEW they were lying through their teeth---NOTHING could be
that disgusting! <g>
Duncan, at ten, has a better idea about sex than I did, but he still
finds it pretty gross. He laughs at sex jokes on Family Guy---and loves
Stephen Lynch's "The Bad Professor" song, but he's actually still in
the dark about what it *really* is. I mean---he groans at all the right
spots, but I think he's just following the laugh tracks and our own
rolling eyes! <g>
-=-=-=-=
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered
them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started
to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex
life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I
asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I
thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up.
He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug
and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had
just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to
go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were
leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting
sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I
was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He
didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept
slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be
honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking
my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning
he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50
emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak
to me
again.
Help!!!
-=-=-=-
I'm sorry you're going through this---but think about it: it DOES seem
pretty sicko from a ten year old point of view---and *I* would actually
hope that it WOULD! I wouldn't want a ten year old to think it's
something he should run out and do. The sicko feeling is probably
*healthy*!
Plus, I think the idea of your *PARENTS'* doing anything remotely
sexual would seem weird to a kid---it's still weird for ME to think
about my parents' having sex! <bwg> I remember when Cam and I were
discussing sex when he was 17: he was a little weirded out when I told
him that his dad and I had had sex as recently as that morning. <G>
I'm sure he'll be OK. Time and patience. But I hope he'll try to
explain *why* he's having such strong feelings. I'm sure neither of you
likes to be in this position! He's probably really, really confused and
weirded out.
Sorry---no words of wisdom. Maybe someone else has been in this
situation?
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
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Momma
These are some very good points.
No, we are not Christians and have no hierarchy in our religion. He and his
dad don't have a very close relationship and honestly I would be a little
concerned about what my dh might say in a conversation like that. He's not
very tactful and I think would be too embarrassed himself to have that
conversation. He thinks ds should figure it out on his own.
We spoke yesterday about hormones and the changes they create in our bodies
and they changes that would happen to his body in particular. He seemed
shocked by it all.
I think you are right on all these points and I will see if I can think of
someone else that he could talk to about this. The only kids he hangs out
with are his sister(7) and the other homeschoolers we meet once a week for
recreation. We've only been once since we just found them. We moved recently
and haven't found many kids in our rural area.
Dawn
Dawn, do you have a minister/priest/rabbi/iman/pastor/etc who could
talk to him? I remember my brother went through a similar thing. Sex
was a dirty word to him at that age. He also told my parents not to
"do that" anymore. (I think he still likes to believe in immaculate
conception to answer his and our sibling's existance even at 34yo and
a child of his own.) We are sexual creatures. It's just a part of
our lives. I remember my mom had our priest talk to my brother about
some sexual issues he was going through. It helped him to know that
our priest had sex (Episcopal priests can marry) and had a sexual
life. It also helped to hear from someone my brother revered that sex
was natural and a good thing and nothing to be ashamed of.
Have you seen him naked recently? I ask this because I wonder if
there are some changes going on in his body that maybe happening
earlier than with other boys his age. Maybe his friends are not going
through those changes as quickly? Perhaps he said something about the
presence of hair or enlargement of genetalia or perhaps even an
erection or sexually vivid dream and was ridiculed or made fun of. I
remember that my brother went from being "Mr. Exhibitionist" to
"Eeeek! You might see my body" in just a matter of weeks.
This may be a place where mom can step back and let a trusted male do
some talking. It may be that anything that you say may make things
worse. He may find you just trying to justify yourself. Perhaps he
needs to see a male pov about sexual issues. See things from a "man's
perspective" so to speak. And it could be the whole "mother is
sacred" thing that he is having problems with. He may consider you
"sicko" because his *mother* did "those things" and for some children
that is a very difficult thing to consider. To prove that point, I
was in my late 20's maybe early 30's when my mom made some reference
to her sexualness. (Had to do with not being able to live with the
Shakers because they don't have sex.) GASP! My *mom* has sex. And
then a year or so ago I was helping my mom clean out my dad's office
(again) and came across a sample pack of Viagra!! Why would my
*parents* need *that*? :-D It's sometimes difficult for even grown
children who see themselves as sexual creatures to think of their
parents as sexual creatures.
Michelle - whose 11yo is convinced that there must be some other way
for people to get pregnant than having sex!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
No, we are not Christians and have no hierarchy in our religion. He and his
dad don't have a very close relationship and honestly I would be a little
concerned about what my dh might say in a conversation like that. He's not
very tactful and I think would be too embarrassed himself to have that
conversation. He thinks ds should figure it out on his own.
We spoke yesterday about hormones and the changes they create in our bodies
and they changes that would happen to his body in particular. He seemed
shocked by it all.
I think you are right on all these points and I will see if I can think of
someone else that he could talk to about this. The only kids he hangs out
with are his sister(7) and the other homeschoolers we meet once a week for
recreation. We've only been once since we just found them. We moved recently
and haven't found many kids in our rural area.
Dawn
Dawn, do you have a minister/priest/rabbi/iman/pastor/etc who could
talk to him? I remember my brother went through a similar thing. Sex
was a dirty word to him at that age. He also told my parents not to
"do that" anymore. (I think he still likes to believe in immaculate
conception to answer his and our sibling's existance even at 34yo and
a child of his own.) We are sexual creatures. It's just a part of
our lives. I remember my mom had our priest talk to my brother about
some sexual issues he was going through. It helped him to know that
our priest had sex (Episcopal priests can marry) and had a sexual
life. It also helped to hear from someone my brother revered that sex
was natural and a good thing and nothing to be ashamed of.
Have you seen him naked recently? I ask this because I wonder if
there are some changes going on in his body that maybe happening
earlier than with other boys his age. Maybe his friends are not going
through those changes as quickly? Perhaps he said something about the
presence of hair or enlargement of genetalia or perhaps even an
erection or sexually vivid dream and was ridiculed or made fun of. I
remember that my brother went from being "Mr. Exhibitionist" to
"Eeeek! You might see my body" in just a matter of weeks.
This may be a place where mom can step back and let a trusted male do
some talking. It may be that anything that you say may make things
worse. He may find you just trying to justify yourself. Perhaps he
needs to see a male pov about sexual issues. See things from a "man's
perspective" so to speak. And it could be the whole "mother is
sacred" thing that he is having problems with. He may consider you
"sicko" because his *mother* did "those things" and for some children
that is a very difficult thing to consider. To prove that point, I
was in my late 20's maybe early 30's when my mom made some reference
to her sexualness. (Had to do with not being able to live with the
Shakers because they don't have sex.) GASP! My *mom* has sex. And
then a year or so ago I was helping my mom clean out my dad's office
(again) and came across a sample pack of Viagra!! Why would my
*parents* need *that*? :-D It's sometimes difficult for even grown
children who see themselves as sexual creatures to think of their
parents as sexual creatures.
Michelle - whose 11yo is convinced that there must be some other way
for people to get pregnant than having sex!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanne
<<<<<I was wondering if some of the things he has seen on TV or just
passing comments or innuendos may have some effect on his ideas
about sex. Maybe it's somehow come across to him as something dirty
and twisted.>>>>
Maybe, but I could see that possibly happening if the parents
*aren't* talking to their kids about sex. In a case where what they
overheard is their only source of information, know what I mean?
I've been thinking about you since you posted. I hope you're doing
okay with all of this.
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
passing comments or innuendos may have some effect on his ideas
about sex. Maybe it's somehow come across to him as something dirty
and twisted.>>>>
Maybe, but I could see that possibly happening if the parents
*aren't* talking to their kids about sex. In a case where what they
overheard is their only source of information, know what I mean?
I've been thinking about you since you posted. I hope you're doing
okay with all of this.
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
John and Amanda Slater
Michelle Leifur Reid <pamperedmichelle@...> wrote: Dawn, do you have a minister/priest/rabbi/iman/pastor/etc who could
talk to him?
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talk to him?
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Momma
I am getting the feeling from what you all are saying that it's not him,
it's me. I didn't realize that it's normal for kids at this age to feel this
way. That makes me feel a lot better. When I was a kid my dad and mom walked
around naked after showers and such and I walked in on them several times
when they were having sex. It was just a part of life and didn't seem
strange to me. I guess that was one of the good points of having hippie
parents (lol).
I think kids get a lot of conflicting ideas about sex these days. It's
everywhere!
Dawn
I'm sorry you're going through this---but think about it: it DOES seem
pretty sicko from a ten year old point of view---and *I* would actually
hope that it WOULD! I wouldn't want a ten year old to think it's
something he should run out and do. The sicko feeling is probably
*healthy*!
Plus, I think the idea of your *PARENTS'* doing anything remotely
sexual would seem weird to a kid---it's still weird for ME to think
about my parents' having sex! <bwg> I remember when Cam and I were
discussing sex when he was 17: he was a little weirded out when I told
him that his dad and I had had sex as recently as that morning. <G>
I'm sure he'll be OK. Time and patience. But I hope he'll try to
explain *why* he's having such strong feelings. I'm sure neither of you
likes to be in this position! He's probably really, really confused and
weirded out.
Sorry---no words of wisdom. Maybe someone else has been in this
situation?
~Kelly
__________________________________________________________
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
it's me. I didn't realize that it's normal for kids at this age to feel this
way. That makes me feel a lot better. When I was a kid my dad and mom walked
around naked after showers and such and I walked in on them several times
when they were having sex. It was just a part of life and didn't seem
strange to me. I guess that was one of the good points of having hippie
parents (lol).
I think kids get a lot of conflicting ideas about sex these days. It's
everywhere!
Dawn
I'm sorry you're going through this---but think about it: it DOES seem
pretty sicko from a ten year old point of view---and *I* would actually
hope that it WOULD! I wouldn't want a ten year old to think it's
something he should run out and do. The sicko feeling is probably
*healthy*!
Plus, I think the idea of your *PARENTS'* doing anything remotely
sexual would seem weird to a kid---it's still weird for ME to think
about my parents' having sex! <bwg> I remember when Cam and I were
discussing sex when he was 17: he was a little weirded out when I told
him that his dad and I had had sex as recently as that morning. <G>
I'm sure he'll be OK. Time and patience. But I hope he'll try to
explain *why* he's having such strong feelings. I'm sure neither of you
likes to be in this position! He's probably really, really confused and
weirded out.
Sorry---no words of wisdom. Maybe someone else has been in this
situation?
~Kelly
__________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
First let me go look up oedipal (lol). Okay ,got it. That is also a good
point. We have an extremely close bond. Closer than I've ever had with
another human being. We joke about our twin souls (lol).
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
What a difficult situation for you (((((hugs)))))
I hope I'm not out of line in suggesting this but dod you think there could
be something Oedipal going on ?
I was a single mom to my eldest ds until I met someone and started dating
when ds was about 5. Although they got on really well (and still do because
I've now been married to the guy for 6 yrs !) my son would completely freak
out if I went out on dates in the evening. Turns out he was just very scared
of losing the special relationship we had together.
I just wonder whether your ds - now being aware of the sexual element to
adult relationships- has realised that this is something you share with dh
that he can't share with you ?
Add into the mix his new knowledge of what sex is and I could kind of
understand where he might be coming from. Maybe the idea of sex grosses him
out a bit (I know it did me when I first thought about it in any depth!) and
he's both grossed out and a little terrified at what this new info means to
your relationship ?
Just my thoughts - hope they don't offend :)
Teresa
Momma <southernbelle@ <mailto:southernbelle%40gvtc.com> gvtc.com> wrote:
I did respond to one of his emails this morning but he's still asleep and
hasn't responded yet. I asked him why he thought those things. I don't know
if he will respond at all.
I am having trouble thinking clearly about how to handle this because I am
having so many emotions of my own. I am very hurt and to be honest, very
angry. I have kept my emotions under control throughout the situation and
tried to be calm and understanding.
I have never been treated like this before. I am just flabbergasted really.
I think hubby would be sleeping in the driveway if he had treated me this
way:-)
I know that getting angry will not help the situation at all and will surely
only make it worse, but right now I am basically just letting him treat me
this way and I know that is not right either.
Dawn
Whew!! ((((((((Dawn)))))))) This is a tough situation! It's hard
for me to know exactly what to do, since I don't know you or your son
or what the actual conversations were that triggered his intense
reaction. On the basis of what you're saying, though, here's what I might
do:
I don't think you can actually speak with him, but you could
communicate. How would you feel about writing him a note or an email
to ask for a truce? I think I would tell him that I can see he's
**really** upset with me, and that I want to understand better what
his issue is and help him work this through so we can heal our
relationship. I would tell him that I'm the same person I've always
been and that I love him hugely and am sad to see him in so much
pain. I would also ask him if there may be someone else he'd feel
comfortable with to work this through. I would be sure to apologize
for any way I might have hurt or confused him without my knowing
(but, that's the way I am).
I think those actions may at least get your toe in the door, but I
really don't know. Please keep us posted about this and let us know
what happens. I'll be thinking of you!
Marji
At 09:46 10/3/2006, you wrote:
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
---------------------------------
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you.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
point. We have an extremely close bond. Closer than I've ever had with
another human being. We joke about our twin souls (lol).
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
What a difficult situation for you (((((hugs)))))
I hope I'm not out of line in suggesting this but dod you think there could
be something Oedipal going on ?
I was a single mom to my eldest ds until I met someone and started dating
when ds was about 5. Although they got on really well (and still do because
I've now been married to the guy for 6 yrs !) my son would completely freak
out if I went out on dates in the evening. Turns out he was just very scared
of losing the special relationship we had together.
I just wonder whether your ds - now being aware of the sexual element to
adult relationships- has realised that this is something you share with dh
that he can't share with you ?
Add into the mix his new knowledge of what sex is and I could kind of
understand where he might be coming from. Maybe the idea of sex grosses him
out a bit (I know it did me when I first thought about it in any depth!) and
he's both grossed out and a little terrified at what this new info means to
your relationship ?
Just my thoughts - hope they don't offend :)
Teresa
Momma <southernbelle@ <mailto:southernbelle%40gvtc.com> gvtc.com> wrote:
I did respond to one of his emails this morning but he's still asleep and
hasn't responded yet. I asked him why he thought those things. I don't know
if he will respond at all.
I am having trouble thinking clearly about how to handle this because I am
having so many emotions of my own. I am very hurt and to be honest, very
angry. I have kept my emotions under control throughout the situation and
tried to be calm and understanding.
I have never been treated like this before. I am just flabbergasted really.
I think hubby would be sleeping in the driveway if he had treated me this
way:-)
I know that getting angry will not help the situation at all and will surely
only make it worse, but right now I am basically just letting him treat me
this way and I know that is not right either.
Dawn
Whew!! ((((((((Dawn)))))))) This is a tough situation! It's hard
for me to know exactly what to do, since I don't know you or your son
or what the actual conversations were that triggered his intense
reaction. On the basis of what you're saying, though, here's what I might
do:
I don't think you can actually speak with him, but you could
communicate. How would you feel about writing him a note or an email
to ask for a truce? I think I would tell him that I can see he's
**really** upset with me, and that I want to understand better what
his issue is and help him work this through so we can heal our
relationship. I would tell him that I'm the same person I've always
been and that I love him hugely and am sad to see him in so much
pain. I would also ask him if there may be someone else he'd feel
comfortable with to work this through. I would be sure to apologize
for any way I might have hurt or confused him without my knowing
(but, that's the way I am).
I think those actions may at least get your toe in the door, but I
really don't know. Please keep us posted about this and let us know
what happens. I'll be thinking of you!
Marji
At 09:46 10/3/2006, you wrote:
>I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
---------------------------------
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you.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
marji
At 11:13 10/3/2006, you wrote:
that way by anyone before, either, and it would really knock me for a
loop!!! It would be hard for me to know how to react.
skills of a 10-year-old! ;-) When he said, "I'll never speak to you
again," I believe he really meant it then, but this will pass. There
have been maybe three times in his life that my son has told me that
he hated me and would never let me kiss him again. And, he really
meant it, but I knew it would pass. But, of course, that's really
different, I know, than this.
Somehow, your son's image of you has been shattered, and it has
triggered a very angry response in him. He needs help dealing with
those emotions, and your telling him that he is not treating you
right is really beside the point, in my opinion. Your feelings are
important, of course, and *you* need to take care of yourself, but
your bigger job, I think, is helping *him* through this.
I wouldn't be so sure that he is too embarrassed when he is alone to
explore things sexual, perhaps on the Internet or perhaps in
discussions with friends. It sounds to me like the information he's
gotten about sex has not been good, and he's using that yardstick to
determine how he feels about normal sexual behavior. He needs
better information than he has right now, and it may not be possible
for him to discuss this with you ~~ because it's too intense for
him. But you really may need to find him a safe, neutral authority
whom you both trust to help him through this.
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>I have never been treated like this before. I am just flabbergasted really.I can understand how you must be feeling!! I've never been treated
>I think hubby would be sleeping in the driveway if he had treated me this
>way:-)
that way by anyone before, either, and it would really knock me for a
loop!!! It would be hard for me to know how to react.
>I know that getting angry will not help the situation at all and will surelyRemember that you're dealing with someone who has the emotional
>only make it worse, but right now I am basically just letting him treat me
>this way and I know that is not right either.
skills of a 10-year-old! ;-) When he said, "I'll never speak to you
again," I believe he really meant it then, but this will pass. There
have been maybe three times in his life that my son has told me that
he hated me and would never let me kiss him again. And, he really
meant it, but I knew it would pass. But, of course, that's really
different, I know, than this.
Somehow, your son's image of you has been shattered, and it has
triggered a very angry response in him. He needs help dealing with
those emotions, and your telling him that he is not treating you
right is really beside the point, in my opinion. Your feelings are
important, of course, and *you* need to take care of yourself, but
your bigger job, I think, is helping *him* through this.
I wouldn't be so sure that he is too embarrassed when he is alone to
explore things sexual, perhaps on the Internet or perhaps in
discussions with friends. It sounds to me like the information he's
gotten about sex has not been good, and he's using that yardstick to
determine how he feels about normal sexual behavior. He needs
better information than he has right now, and it may not be possible
for him to discuss this with you ~~ because it's too intense for
him. But you really may need to find him a safe, neutral authority
whom you both trust to help him through this.
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
Yes, I agree but I was wondering if maybe he had developed a slanted view.
Dawn
Maybe, but I could see that possibly happening if the parents
*aren't* talking to their kids about sex. In a case where what they
overheard is their only source of information, know what I mean?
I've been thinking about you since you posted. I hope you're doing
okay with all of this.
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Dawn
Maybe, but I could see that possibly happening if the parents
*aren't* talking to their kids about sex. In a case where what they
overheard is their only source of information, know what I mean?
I've been thinking about you since you posted. I hope you're doing
okay with all of this.
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
Yes, maybe it doesn't have anything to do with his views on sex but maybe
has more to do with his views towards me. And it is also a possibility that
he may have checked out some things on the internet out of curiosity in the
past. I don't think there is much on there that isn't hard-core.
Dawn
Marji wrote--
Somehow, your son's image of you has been shattered, and it has
triggered a very angry response in him. He needs help dealing with
those emotions, and your telling him that he is not treating you
right is really beside the point, in my opinion. Your feelings are
important, of course, and *you* need to take care of yourself, but
your bigger job, I think, is helping *him* through this.
I wouldn't be so sure that he is too embarrassed when he is alone to
explore things sexual, perhaps on the Internet or perhaps in
discussions with friends. It sounds to me like the information he's
gotten about sex has not been good, and he's using that yardstick to
determine how he feels about normal sexual behavior. He needs
better information than he has right now, and it may not be possible
for him to discuss this with you ~~ because it's too intense for
him. But you really may need to find him a safe, neutral authority
whom you both trust to help him through this.
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
has more to do with his views towards me. And it is also a possibility that
he may have checked out some things on the internet out of curiosity in the
past. I don't think there is much on there that isn't hard-core.
Dawn
Marji wrote--
Somehow, your son's image of you has been shattered, and it has
triggered a very angry response in him. He needs help dealing with
those emotions, and your telling him that he is not treating you
right is really beside the point, in my opinion. Your feelings are
important, of course, and *you* need to take care of yourself, but
your bigger job, I think, is helping *him* through this.
I wouldn't be so sure that he is too embarrassed when he is alone to
explore things sexual, perhaps on the Internet or perhaps in
discussions with friends. It sounds to me like the information he's
gotten about sex has not been good, and he's using that yardstick to
determine how he feels about normal sexual behavior. He needs
better information than he has right now, and it may not be possible
for him to discuss this with you ~~ because it's too intense for
him. But you really may need to find him a safe, neutral authority
whom you both trust to help him through this.
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
Yes, maybe it doesn't have anything to do with his views on sex but maybe
has more to do with his views towards me. And it is also a possibility that
he may have checked out some things on the internet out of curiosity in the
past. I don't think there is much on there that isn't hard-core.
Dawn
Marji wrote--
Somehow, your son's image of you has been shattered, and it has
triggered a very angry response in him. He needs help dealing with
those emotions, and your telling him that he is not treating you
right is really beside the point, in my opinion. Your feelings are
important, of course, and *you* need to take care of yourself, but
your bigger job, I think, is helping *him* through this.
I wouldn't be so sure that he is too embarrassed when he is alone to
explore things sexual, perhaps on the Internet or perhaps in
discussions with friends. It sounds to me like the information he's
gotten about sex has not been good, and he's using that yardstick to
determine how he feels about normal sexual behavior. He needs
better information than he has right now, and it may not be possible
for him to discuss this with you ~~ because it's too intense for
him. But you really may need to find him a safe, neutral authority
whom you both trust to help him through this.
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
has more to do with his views towards me. And it is also a possibility that
he may have checked out some things on the internet out of curiosity in the
past. I don't think there is much on there that isn't hard-core.
Dawn
Marji wrote--
Somehow, your son's image of you has been shattered, and it has
triggered a very angry response in him. He needs help dealing with
those emotions, and your telling him that he is not treating you
right is really beside the point, in my opinion. Your feelings are
important, of course, and *you* need to take care of yourself, but
your bigger job, I think, is helping *him* through this.
I wouldn't be so sure that he is too embarrassed when he is alone to
explore things sexual, perhaps on the Internet or perhaps in
discussions with friends. It sounds to me like the information he's
gotten about sex has not been good, and he's using that yardstick to
determine how he feels about normal sexual behavior. He needs
better information than he has right now, and it may not be possible
for him to discuss this with you ~~ because it's too intense for
him. But you really may need to find him a safe, neutral authority
whom you both trust to help him through this.
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
Lol Yes that was one of his arguments. Sex should be for making babies and
since we weren't planning on more we shouldn't have sex again.
Well, I hope we can figure it out together. If that doesn't work we will
defiantly find someone to help. And yes, I guess I should feel good that he
can feel safe with me.
No, I don't think I should apologize because, as you said, it will seem like
I am doing something wrong. But I am sorry he is feeling this way.
He is awake now so I am going to try to talk to him. This was supposed to be
a very special week for us. With dh out of town we had planned some special
things together. I really want to salvage that also.
Dawn
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Su
Sent: Tuesday, October 03, 2006 10:44 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Help with ds-sex
Hi, Dawn, I want to tell you how sorry I am that this happened. And I
am really thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.
First, I would have to say that I think you and your child should see
someone professionally as soon as possible. A therapist could really
bring some insight to what the root of the problem is. I wouldn't let
the person dwell on unschooling or anything out of this range, a lot
of times therapists want a quick solution, just stick with the
situation that is in front of you. Your son has a lot of anger and
right now he is not seeing you as a good person. It doesn't look like
this will just go away on its own, it will probably just keep coming
up and coming up maybe even in different forms.
If your child is seeing sex as something dirty you need to find out
where that information came from. It just may be that he has seen some
images either on tv or online that were really hard core.
But it seems to me that he is really sending up some danger signals.
I think you could talk about this for a long time and still never get
to the core of what is happened in his head.
I also have to disagree with someone telling you to apologize. Your
son might think you are really guilty of something bad if you keep
apologizing for nothing. (what would you be apologizing for? having
sex? That is NOTHING to be ashamed of or that you need to be SORRY
about. That is what brought that child into this world. Beautiful,
consensual sex should be revered and honored not apologized for. I
think your son needs to know or be reminded that it is a wonderful,
beautiful thing to have sex with the person you love and even some ppl
you don't;). But also all sex is not the same, there is also dangerous
scary sex, molestation, rape, incest. There are appropriate ways to
explain abuse to a child of 10, I explain to my 9 yr old, that
violence can take many forms. And that the victims is never guilty or
bad, simply because something bad has happened to them.
Another thing, have you talked about the fact that he himself is a
direct result of sex and so is everyone he knows!!
If he is lashing out at you directly, I would think that it is because
he feels safe enough with you to try to defuse and process whatever
has happened and still be in a place of love. Feel good that he knows
you love him enough to support him through this, even if that is
unconcious on his part. But his actions are not appropriate, I
wouldn't apologize and let him call you vile names, I would get him
some help.
Good luck to you, and know that you are really supported here!!
suzanne
In unschoolingbasics@ <mailto:unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com>
yahoogroups.com, "Momma" <southernbelle@...> wrote:
since we weren't planning on more we shouldn't have sex again.
Well, I hope we can figure it out together. If that doesn't work we will
defiantly find someone to help. And yes, I guess I should feel good that he
can feel safe with me.
No, I don't think I should apologize because, as you said, it will seem like
I am doing something wrong. But I am sorry he is feeling this way.
He is awake now so I am going to try to talk to him. This was supposed to be
a very special week for us. With dh out of town we had planned some special
things together. I really want to salvage that also.
Dawn
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Su
Sent: Tuesday, October 03, 2006 10:44 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Help with ds-sex
Hi, Dawn, I want to tell you how sorry I am that this happened. And I
am really thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.
First, I would have to say that I think you and your child should see
someone professionally as soon as possible. A therapist could really
bring some insight to what the root of the problem is. I wouldn't let
the person dwell on unschooling or anything out of this range, a lot
of times therapists want a quick solution, just stick with the
situation that is in front of you. Your son has a lot of anger and
right now he is not seeing you as a good person. It doesn't look like
this will just go away on its own, it will probably just keep coming
up and coming up maybe even in different forms.
If your child is seeing sex as something dirty you need to find out
where that information came from. It just may be that he has seen some
images either on tv or online that were really hard core.
But it seems to me that he is really sending up some danger signals.
I think you could talk about this for a long time and still never get
to the core of what is happened in his head.
I also have to disagree with someone telling you to apologize. Your
son might think you are really guilty of something bad if you keep
apologizing for nothing. (what would you be apologizing for? having
sex? That is NOTHING to be ashamed of or that you need to be SORRY
about. That is what brought that child into this world. Beautiful,
consensual sex should be revered and honored not apologized for. I
think your son needs to know or be reminded that it is a wonderful,
beautiful thing to have sex with the person you love and even some ppl
you don't;). But also all sex is not the same, there is also dangerous
scary sex, molestation, rape, incest. There are appropriate ways to
explain abuse to a child of 10, I explain to my 9 yr old, that
violence can take many forms. And that the victims is never guilty or
bad, simply because something bad has happened to them.
Another thing, have you talked about the fact that he himself is a
direct result of sex and so is everyone he knows!!
If he is lashing out at you directly, I would think that it is because
he feels safe enough with you to try to defuse and process whatever
has happened and still be in a place of love. Feel good that he knows
you love him enough to support him through this, even if that is
unconcious on his part. But his actions are not appropriate, I
wouldn't apologize and let him call you vile names, I would get him
some help.
Good luck to you, and know that you are really supported here!!
suzanne
In unschoolingbasics@ <mailto:unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com>
yahoogroups.com, "Momma" <southernbelle@...> wrote:
>sex. We
> I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.
>
> For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about
> have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassedable to
> about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was
> even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. Hetold me
> after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a motherwho was
> not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.them
>
> Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered
> the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and hestarted to get
> upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad'ssex life.
> He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. WhenI asked
> him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and wasthought
> crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I
> maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he wokeup. He
> did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me ahug and
> said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which wehad just
> talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out ofto go get
> town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready
> some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we wereleaving
> and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgustingsicko.
> I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me yousicko!" I was
> very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. Hedidn't.
> In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it wouldslamming
> take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept
> things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. Tobe honest
> I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and consideredlocking my
> door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what wasmorning he
> going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this
> had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about50 emails
> calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would neverspeak to me
> again.[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> Help!!!
>
> Dawn
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Melissa
Maybe just an apology to him that he's upset, and just keep in mind
that whatever you said may have been more than he was ready to hear.
I know with Josh sometimes the questions he asks aren't really the
ones I hear, and there are some things I *think* he's asking for,
when he really needs something else.
Maybe he might be ready for a visit with the local family planning
center. At my last disabililty conference, i chatted with the teacher
of a sex ed class for kids, and it was really amazing. I'm looking
into dropping Josh off at one, really respectful, emphasizing
normality and facts, but empathic for kids' feelings.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
that whatever you said may have been more than he was ready to hear.
I know with Josh sometimes the questions he asks aren't really the
ones I hear, and there are some things I *think* he's asking for,
when he really needs something else.
Maybe he might be ready for a visit with the local family planning
center. At my last disabililty conference, i chatted with the teacher
of a sex ed class for kids, and it was really amazing. I'm looking
into dropping Josh off at one, really respectful, emphasizing
normality and facts, but empathic for kids' feelings.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Oct 3, 2006, at 8:46 AM, Momma wrote:
> Then when I woke up this morning he
> had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about
> 50 emails
> calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never
> speak to me
> again.
>
> Help!!!
>
> Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa
Sometimes with guy minds, it's better to drop things for a little
bit, let them get over those intense feelings. Just a thought, if you
were still online, just to not push it too much. Once they are over
those feelings, then it's easier for them to talk about things that
have upset them.
I hope it all goes well, it's scary when kids are angry at us!
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
bit, let them get over those intense feelings. Just a thought, if you
were still online, just to not push it too much. Once they are over
those feelings, then it's easier for them to talk about things that
have upset them.
I hope it all goes well, it's scary when kids are angry at us!
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Oct 3, 2006, at 12:13 PM, Momma wrote:
>
> He is awake now so I am going to try to talk to him. This was
> supposed to be
> a very special week for us. With dh out of town we had planned some
> special
> things together. I really want to salvage that also.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kathleen Gehrke
--- In [email protected], "Momma" <southernbelle@...>
wrote:
I remember my now adult kids asking if dad and I had sex anymore. I
think in the end my answer became my sex life is one of the private
parts of my life. I think I came to that conclusion for some of the
same issues you are having. My sons seperately, at similar ages to
your son asked questions and thought that me being sexual was gross.
They said the exact same things to me and became upset.
When I really consider my own sexaulity that only person I want to
imagine having sex is me. Imagining other people seems a bit invasive.
Well sometimes as a sexual fantasy, but that is another story.
My adult sons will now call me with sexual concerns. And the
conversation seems very normal.
But it seems I definately remember them having upset and discomfort
over my sexaulity. That was when I decided that it was a private
matter. Not sex, but my sex life.
I do tell my kids when dad and I need alone time. Sometimes it is just
to talk or do other things, but it is part of our private lives.
Kathleen
Mom to six boys three girls
wrote:
>babies and
>
>
> Lol Yes that was one of his arguments. Sex should be for making
> since we weren't planning on more we shouldn't have sex again.Our family has always been very sexaully open.
>
I remember my now adult kids asking if dad and I had sex anymore. I
think in the end my answer became my sex life is one of the private
parts of my life. I think I came to that conclusion for some of the
same issues you are having. My sons seperately, at similar ages to
your son asked questions and thought that me being sexual was gross.
They said the exact same things to me and became upset.
When I really consider my own sexaulity that only person I want to
imagine having sex is me. Imagining other people seems a bit invasive.
Well sometimes as a sexual fantasy, but that is another story.
My adult sons will now call me with sexual concerns. And the
conversation seems very normal.
But it seems I definately remember them having upset and discomfort
over my sexaulity. That was when I decided that it was a private
matter. Not sex, but my sex life.
I do tell my kids when dad and I need alone time. Sometimes it is just
to talk or do other things, but it is part of our private lives.
Kathleen
Mom to six boys three girls
Lesa
My DD is 10 and we have talked about sex with her but not in any extra
detail. We tell her when we need alone time... but I know at this point
that too many details would gross her out. I've begun to discuss puberty
with her because her body is changing... and she's a bit grossed out by that
.. so I know that too many extra details about sex would just not go over
well with her right now.
I really hope that you can get this all workout out with our DS soon. And
maybe you and DH need to talk more about the relationship between DS and DH.
.
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
detail. We tell her when we need alone time... but I know at this point
that too many details would gross her out. I've begun to discuss puberty
with her because her body is changing... and she's a bit grossed out by that
.. so I know that too many extra details about sex would just not go over
well with her right now.
I really hope that you can get this all workout out with our DS soon. And
maybe you and DH need to talk more about the relationship between DS and DH.
.
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Steve Cronje
Hi Dawn
If it is any help to you to hear this:
Although the way in which dd has expressed his feelings seems rather
strong, and perhaps unusual, I do not think that the fact that he feels
disgusted and upset is at all unusual, given his age.
Here is another thought that I have not seen in the responses:
I would think he has been experimenting with masturbation. For some kids,
depending on their exposure, this may be troubling and guilt-inducing. Is
he suffering from strong guilt feelings about his own desires? Add that to
the Oedipus complex mentioned by another poster, and you have a great
recipe for lots and lots of energy!
BTW, in case you had, don't even THINK of raising these issues directly
with him, at least not now!
If it is any help to you to hear this:
Although the way in which dd has expressed his feelings seems rather
strong, and perhaps unusual, I do not think that the fact that he feels
disgusted and upset is at all unusual, given his age.
Here is another thought that I have not seen in the responses:
I would think he has been experimenting with masturbation. For some kids,
depending on their exposure, this may be troubling and guilt-inducing. Is
he suffering from strong guilt feelings about his own desires? Add that to
the Oedipus complex mentioned by another poster, and you have a great
recipe for lots and lots of energy!
BTW, in case you had, don't even THINK of raising these issues directly
with him, at least not now!
On October 3, 2006 10:10, marji wrote:
>It sounds to me like the information he's
> gotten about sex has not been good, and he's using that yardstick to
> determine how he feels about normal sexual behavior. He needs
> better information than he has right now
I was thinking this also.
When dd began asking many, many questions at the age of about 6, we
answered as blandly, yet bluntly as we could. We also found this book:
It's So Amazing! by Robie H. Harris, Michael Emberley
see:
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/imageviewer.asp?ean=9780763613211&MICTID=27
(if that link wraps poorly for you, try:
http://w3t.org/u/xn4
which is shorter, but has an advertising frame.)
It tells a story from the perspective of a green, eager bird, and a little,
completely disgusted and grossed out bee. It is very frank and clear, and
also very gentle and kind. She loved it. We read it cover to cover
together, which is the best way for a younger child, I would think.
It is GLB friendly, and makes no religious value judgements, so perhaps it
is not suited for all persuasions.
I think every home should have one.
Good luck, it will pass.
Steve
--
Steve Cronjé
http://cronje.ca
John Doo
Some of you may already know this book: TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward. It was a New York Times Bestseller. It was written for adults who are not truly happy and confident or have emotional problems. Everything can be traced back to how a person was raised.
I found this book is useful for parents to understand a childs perceptions. Many things that parents do (even with best intention) are actually abusive to a child.
Momma <southernbelle@...> wrote:
I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex. We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up. He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50 emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak to me
again.
Help!!!
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I found this book is useful for parents to understand a childs perceptions. Many things that parents do (even with best intention) are actually abusive to a child.
Momma <southernbelle@...> wrote:
I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex. We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up. He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50 emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak to me
again.
Help!!!
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
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Get on board. You're invited to try the new Yahoo! Mail.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma
I have not read this book but was able to find several excerpts online. I'm
having some difficulty understanding what this book might have to do with
the thread. Did you feel that I was being abusive or uncaring towards my
child in some way?
Dawn
Some of you may already know this book: TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward. It
was a New York Times Bestseller. It was written for adults who are not truly
happy and confident or have emotional problems. Everything can be traced
back to how a person was raised.
I found this book is useful for parents to understand a child's perceptions.
Many things that parents do (even with best intention) are actually abusive
to a child.
Momma <southernbelle@ <mailto:southernbelle%40gvtc.com> gvtc.com> wrote:
I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex. We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up. He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50 emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak to me
again.
Help!!!
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
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Get on board. You're invited to try the new Yahoo! Mail.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
having some difficulty understanding what this book might have to do with
the thread. Did you feel that I was being abusive or uncaring towards my
child in some way?
Dawn
Some of you may already know this book: TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward. It
was a New York Times Bestseller. It was written for adults who are not truly
happy and confident or have emotional problems. Everything can be traced
back to how a person was raised.
I found this book is useful for parents to understand a child's perceptions.
Many things that parents do (even with best intention) are actually abusive
to a child.
Momma <southernbelle@ <mailto:southernbelle%40gvtc.com> gvtc.com> wrote:
I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex. We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up. He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50 emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak to me
again.
Help!!!
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
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John Doo
This book is not just for you. It is for everyone who cares to understand how a child may perceive things. I have too little information to have any *feel* about your situation. But I do know that giving certain information (such as sexual information) before a child is ready is very damaging. That is why there are ratings for entertainment products. Children are naturally curious, when come across something they dont know, they will always ask. Just because they ask doesnt mean they are ready for that information.
Momma <southernbelle@...> wrote:
I have not read this book but was able to find several excerpts online. I'm
having some difficulty understanding what this book might have to do with
the thread. Did you feel that I was being abusive or uncaring towards my
child in some way?
Dawn
Some of you may already know this book: TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward. It
was a New York Times Bestseller. It was written for adults who are not truly
happy and confident or have emotional problems. Everything can be traced
back to how a person was raised.
I found this book is useful for parents to understand a child's perceptions.
Many things that parents do (even with best intention) are actually abusive
to a child.
Momma <southernbelle@ <mailto:southernbelle%40gvtc.com> gvtc.com> wrote:
I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex. We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up. He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50 emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak to me
again.
Help!!!
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
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---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Momma <southernbelle@...> wrote:
I have not read this book but was able to find several excerpts online. I'm
having some difficulty understanding what this book might have to do with
the thread. Did you feel that I was being abusive or uncaring towards my
child in some way?
Dawn
Some of you may already know this book: TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward. It
was a New York Times Bestseller. It was written for adults who are not truly
happy and confident or have emotional problems. Everything can be traced
back to how a person was raised.
I found this book is useful for parents to understand a child's perceptions.
Many things that parents do (even with best intention) are actually abusive
to a child.
Momma <southernbelle@ <mailto:southernbelle%40gvtc.com> gvtc.com> wrote:
I really need some help here. I am at a total loss as to what to do.
For the last few weeks my ds (10) has been asking questions about sex. We
have had some really good conversations about it. He is very embarrassed
about anything having to do with sex so I was very happy that he was able to
even ask. I answered all of his questions as honestly as I could. He told me
after each conversation that he was so grateful that he had a mother who was
not embarrassed to talk about sex and everything was so great.
Yesterday he had a couple of questions for me and, again, I answered them
the best I could. Somehow the conversation took a turn and he started to get
upset. He started asking personal questions about me and his dad's sex life.
He said that he didn't want me and his dad having sex anymore. When I asked
him why he said because it embarrassed him. He became very upset and was
crying and very angry. He went to his room and took a long nap. I thought
maybe he had just been tired and he would feel better when he woke up. He
did for a few minutes after he woke up. He came to me and gave me a hug and
said he was sorry. We joked a little about his hormones, which we had just
talked about earlier during the day. (I should mention that dh is out of
town for a couple of days) Everything seemed fine and we got ready to go get
some dinner. He asked me a kind of off-handed question as we were leaving
and then got very irate. He started yelling, calling me a disgusting sicko.
I tried to talk to him but he said "Just get away from me you sicko!" I was
very hurt but I decided to leave him alone and let him calm down. He didn't.
In the drive-through in the car he asked me how many toothpicks it would
take to spell out sicko. He wouldn't talk to me all night. He kept slamming
things around and walking by my room where I was laying in bed. To be honest
I was a little afraid to go to sleep last night and considered locking my
door because he seemed SO angry. I called his dad and told him what was
going on and dh tried to talk to him. Then when I woke up this morning he
had posted signs all over the house saying sicko. He sent me about 50 emails
calling me a disgusting sicko and one saying that he would never speak to me
again.
Help!!!
Dawn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Get on board. You're invited to try the new Yahoo! Mail.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]