Alternative ideas then TimeOuts!!
neamonn
Hello,,,I have just done a major search on this site..and oh
boy,,there are a million "timeouts" written in the messages.,so i
guess to many this may bore you but I have a toddler and a baby and
am looking for ways to deal my toddler without time outs! We are
going through a rough time with hitting and yelling at the baby
brother..He has decided to yell " NO ORIEN" to everything a 5 month
old can do.look out a car window, hold and play with a toy etc..I
have been trying the conversation on why yelling hurts feelings,
scares his brother..but doesnt matter..we are also dealing with
hitting the baby,,,I know this is for attention...an try to stop to
play/interact most of the timebut when I amcooking him
breakfast....washing dishes etc...he gets into the hitting and
expecially whenthe PHONE RINGS!! Any sugggestions..as we are trying
to sort out the unschooling philosophy! Anyone deal with being the
odd momma out by not doing time outs..everyone I talk to just
says "oh they work form my child" but years later they are still in
timeouts for the same reasons.and they work I guess because the
child cried??? I dont know>>>
thanks natalie
boy,,there are a million "timeouts" written in the messages.,so i
guess to many this may bore you but I have a toddler and a baby and
am looking for ways to deal my toddler without time outs! We are
going through a rough time with hitting and yelling at the baby
brother..He has decided to yell " NO ORIEN" to everything a 5 month
old can do.look out a car window, hold and play with a toy etc..I
have been trying the conversation on why yelling hurts feelings,
scares his brother..but doesnt matter..we are also dealing with
hitting the baby,,,I know this is for attention...an try to stop to
play/interact most of the timebut when I amcooking him
breakfast....washing dishes etc...he gets into the hitting and
expecially whenthe PHONE RINGS!! Any sugggestions..as we are trying
to sort out the unschooling philosophy! Anyone deal with being the
odd momma out by not doing time outs..everyone I talk to just
says "oh they work form my child" but years later they are still in
timeouts for the same reasons.and they work I guess because the
child cried??? I dont know>>>
thanks natalie
Melissa
Yeah....long reasons usually don't work with toddlers. In our house
we just know that housework and cooking is way backburner for us,
especially if Dan or Sam are having a hard day. Even if it comes down
to pb&j sandwiches again, better to interact BEFORE the yelling or
hitting starts.
Gotta go, speaking of interacting!!
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
we just know that housework and cooking is way backburner for us,
especially if Dan or Sam are having a hard day. Even if it comes down
to pb&j sandwiches again, better to interact BEFORE the yelling or
hitting starts.
Gotta go, speaking of interacting!!
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Sep 26, 2006, at 3:08 PM, neamonn wrote:
> I
> have been trying the conversation on why yelling hurts feelings,
> scares his brother..but doesnt matter..we are also dealing with
> hitting the baby,,,I know this is for attention...an try to stop to
> play/interact most of the time
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 9/26/06, neamonn <neamonn@...> wrote:
LOL!) Just not good as punishment or discipline. Sometimes children need
some quiet time to relax after a particularly difficult time or to calm down
or to refocus. That doesn't mean that they have to do it alone in their
room (or gods forbid in a corner) Some quiet time with a book and mom, a
relaxing movie or music, a peaceful walk outside, etc. Sometimes *I* need
some "time out" from the hustle and bustle of life. :)
If the phone is a known issue, screen your calls. Call back people who
don't have an immediate need (such as your friend who is calling to chat
because she is bored or your mom who is just checking in to see how your
week is going) and only take the important calls (your SO with a change in
work schedule or the power company who is giving you a courtesy call before
they turn off your power because you failed to pay your bill, but you know
you did and fortunately were smart enough to copy off the online
confirmation of payment page 2 weeks ago - not that that has happened or
anything :) ) Make those calls when your son (or sons) are involved in
other things that you know they are safe doing (napping, playing with dad,
at a friend's house, out with grandpa, etc.) *Be* there with your children
when your children need you. The other stuff can wait (really it can!)
Michelle
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>Time outs in themselves aren't a bad thing. (Hold on and read the rest
> Anyone deal with being the
> odd momma out by not doing time outs..
LOL!) Just not good as punishment or discipline. Sometimes children need
some quiet time to relax after a particularly difficult time or to calm down
or to refocus. That doesn't mean that they have to do it alone in their
room (or gods forbid in a corner) Some quiet time with a book and mom, a
relaxing movie or music, a peaceful walk outside, etc. Sometimes *I* need
some "time out" from the hustle and bustle of life. :)
If the phone is a known issue, screen your calls. Call back people who
don't have an immediate need (such as your friend who is calling to chat
because she is bored or your mom who is just checking in to see how your
week is going) and only take the important calls (your SO with a change in
work schedule or the power company who is giving you a courtesy call before
they turn off your power because you failed to pay your bill, but you know
you did and fortunately were smart enough to copy off the online
confirmation of payment page 2 weeks ago - not that that has happened or
anything :) ) Make those calls when your son (or sons) are involved in
other things that you know they are safe doing (napping, playing with dad,
at a friend's house, out with grandpa, etc.) *Be* there with your children
when your children need you. The other stuff can wait (really it can!)
Michelle
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wen3so
> On 9/26/06, neamonn <neamonn@...> wrote:Hi,
> >
> > Anyone deal with being the
> > odd momma out by not doing time outs..
We're going through this with our younger child who is 2yo. Instead of the often punitive
tone of "time outs" we call it "taking a break". When things are getting a little intense and
we can't diffuse it in the scene, I ask if it would help to take a break. Then I see if he needs
some time to himself or if he wants me to be with him. (I still do this with our 6yo, and
myself at times...)
My older son was always the one who wanted to be with me through his break. We'd just
tuck in and do something quiet. Play-doh, playing with water (even a bath sometimes),
reading were things that really seemed helpful. I've heard of other people having a little
spot for this kind of safe, quiet space with things that help calm--like containers of soft
materials (silks, velvets) and items (cotton balls, clay, whatever they found to be helpful.
My younger son is more the type that needs his space. He usually chooses to be alone, but
with me not far from him. Yesterday, he wanted me to stay in the room and "watch" him,
which I read to mean he wanted silent company. (Sometimes I try to be too helpful and use
too many words...)
Once they reach balance again, it seems like they can be more receptive (and I can be
more patient and creative and positive). And that's when the gentle hands reminder has
more effect. And we can practice soft touch and talk about safety. And also about other
ways/words to use when he does need attention or something he's not getting. Take a
deep breath, it takes lots of repitition. They need to know they are safe and cared for and
will test that many times each day.
Thanks for the post...it's always great to revisit these topics with fresh eyes,
Wen
meri_aliss
The thing that really popped out for me is the fact that the 2 year
old has not had his mom to himself for very long!
Try seeing this whole situation from his point of view: everything was
perfect until this baby showed up and now...well...
Someone explained it this way one time, "Imagine your husband loves
you very much and one day he brings home a younger, cuter woman and
tells you that he loves her very much and he loves you very much and
you need to accept this new lady as family and love her, too, and she
will share your bed and she will go out on dates with you, and you
need to share all of your clothes and makeup and books with her." Now
imagine that you didn't have language to express how that would make
you feel!
Now, I know a lot of people could get mired in guilt from this
perspective, but let it go...
Mary Alice
Butting in...
old has not had his mom to himself for very long!
Try seeing this whole situation from his point of view: everything was
perfect until this baby showed up and now...well...
Someone explained it this way one time, "Imagine your husband loves
you very much and one day he brings home a younger, cuter woman and
tells you that he loves her very much and he loves you very much and
you need to accept this new lady as family and love her, too, and she
will share your bed and she will go out on dates with you, and you
need to share all of your clothes and makeup and books with her." Now
imagine that you didn't have language to express how that would make
you feel!
Now, I know a lot of people could get mired in guilt from this
perspective, but let it go...
Mary Alice
Butting in...
hannahsbooks828
Hello everyone, I am new to the group as I went searching online for
some unschool info and came across you nice folks. Thanks for being
here, and I am sure I will gain alot of info and inspiration from
you.
I wanted to comment on the Time Out issue, and in discipline in
general, if you don't mind. I have been thinking so much about this
lately. I have a 7 yrold and almost 3 yrold...boys. I have tried
every method of discipline on the market. (yes, sadly, I have paid
money for people to tell me how to count from 1 to 3...pathetic, I
know) The one thing that DH and I were talking about today is the
fact that WHEN they are misbehaving is generally when we are not
available to them emotionally...we might be on the computer, or
reading the paper, or on the telephone. or just plain not paying
attention to them. We talked about our attachment parenting...how we
let it slack off, and the theory being that if our kids are being
out of control and having problems, then WE are at fault for what I
call "Lazy Parenting" or as our parents used to say "Knock it off
and go find something to do".
We (DH and I) have to constantly guard ourselves against this kind
of thinking, becuase, we chose to have these wonderful beings in our
lives, and now..yes...here they are. Sometimes they interfere with
what WE want, but tough. Truthfully, when we are attentive to their
needs, and give them all that they need, we are able to have that
extra time to ourselves. It is about trying to anticipate their
needs first and trying to meet them, before you reach a crisis,
where everyone is upset. This is true in all relationships if you
really think about it. If I ignore my husband for days on end, he
is bound to act like a jerk. Same goes for your best friend, your
other loved ones, and your children.
OK. writing this helped me probably more than anything. I welcome
your comments and thanks again for letting me be a part of this
group.
Heather
some unschool info and came across you nice folks. Thanks for being
here, and I am sure I will gain alot of info and inspiration from
you.
I wanted to comment on the Time Out issue, and in discipline in
general, if you don't mind. I have been thinking so much about this
lately. I have a 7 yrold and almost 3 yrold...boys. I have tried
every method of discipline on the market. (yes, sadly, I have paid
money for people to tell me how to count from 1 to 3...pathetic, I
know) The one thing that DH and I were talking about today is the
fact that WHEN they are misbehaving is generally when we are not
available to them emotionally...we might be on the computer, or
reading the paper, or on the telephone. or just plain not paying
attention to them. We talked about our attachment parenting...how we
let it slack off, and the theory being that if our kids are being
out of control and having problems, then WE are at fault for what I
call "Lazy Parenting" or as our parents used to say "Knock it off
and go find something to do".
We (DH and I) have to constantly guard ourselves against this kind
of thinking, becuase, we chose to have these wonderful beings in our
lives, and now..yes...here they are. Sometimes they interfere with
what WE want, but tough. Truthfully, when we are attentive to their
needs, and give them all that they need, we are able to have that
extra time to ourselves. It is about trying to anticipate their
needs first and trying to meet them, before you reach a crisis,
where everyone is upset. This is true in all relationships if you
really think about it. If I ignore my husband for days on end, he
is bound to act like a jerk. Same goes for your best friend, your
other loved ones, and your children.
OK. writing this helped me probably more than anything. I welcome
your comments and thanks again for letting me be a part of this
group.
Heather