Sib trouble & overtired How would you have handled it?
Jeanne Goodman
Ok, I really hope I'm not overdoing it on the list, but I'd really would like to hear how you would have handled this.
It really started last night. Both dh and I had to work this morning. I asked dd if she wanted to come with me to my meeting and she said she did. I suggested she get to bed early because we would have to get up early, but she didn't.
She did relatively well at the meeting -- she only interrupted me a few times while I was presenting to say that she was bored.
After the meeting we went to lunch (I didn't control what she got. My tongue is sore from biting it.) Then we went to the thrift shop where I got her some clothing and a small toy. Then we got some video games that I've put off getting because I thought they should be doing other things... but I digress. Let it suffice to say she was pleased with the day.
Toward the end of the evening, ds reported that dd was *really annoying him* and he wanted our help to resolve the conflict. I asked him what he tried and it sounded as though he had really tried to work it out with her. He asked her to stop and then asked her why she was ignoring him. (The really annoying had included hitting, throwing things, poking and otherwise trying to arouse db who wanted to watch TV and he had invited her to join him.)
I won't bother to tell you how it was resolved -- but it didn't come out well. (Although no one was harmed in the making of this message.)
So now that I've shared that LONG story. My question is really two fold -- how do you deal with a kid who's overtired and intentionally annoying her sib. And how might I have advised the sib to handle the situation on his own (he's been trying really hard to avoid a conflict with her this summer and as a team we've been working hard on conflict resolution.)
Jeanne
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It really started last night. Both dh and I had to work this morning. I asked dd if she wanted to come with me to my meeting and she said she did. I suggested she get to bed early because we would have to get up early, but she didn't.
She did relatively well at the meeting -- she only interrupted me a few times while I was presenting to say that she was bored.
After the meeting we went to lunch (I didn't control what she got. My tongue is sore from biting it.) Then we went to the thrift shop where I got her some clothing and a small toy. Then we got some video games that I've put off getting because I thought they should be doing other things... but I digress. Let it suffice to say she was pleased with the day.
Toward the end of the evening, ds reported that dd was *really annoying him* and he wanted our help to resolve the conflict. I asked him what he tried and it sounded as though he had really tried to work it out with her. He asked her to stop and then asked her why she was ignoring him. (The really annoying had included hitting, throwing things, poking and otherwise trying to arouse db who wanted to watch TV and he had invited her to join him.)
I won't bother to tell you how it was resolved -- but it didn't come out well. (Although no one was harmed in the making of this message.)
So now that I've shared that LONG story. My question is really two fold -- how do you deal with a kid who's overtired and intentionally annoying her sib. And how might I have advised the sib to handle the situation on his own (he's been trying really hard to avoid a conflict with her this summer and as a team we've been working hard on conflict resolution.)
Jeanne
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Nancy Hoegen
"how do you deal with a kid who's overtired and intentionally
annoying her sib"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Jeanne,
Perhaps some would disagree with me, but I would have separated your
dd from your ds... but would have tried to not use the separation as
a punishment.
We all get tired sometimes... & testy. Your dd was no different. When
I'm cranky, I try not to be with other people to avoid any potential
conflicts. I feel we need to share that same advice with our
children. I would have sent dd to her room explaining to her that she
had a real busy day and deserved some alone time. She can either go
to bed early, or she can read/look at a book til she wants to sleep.
Or I would have offered her a soothing warm bath to help her unwind
before bed. I have offered these options many times to my own very
active dd. Explain to your dd that this is simply how one handles
being tired, so even if she's upset this time, it'll be easier - more
routine, next time.
I don't like punishment, but I also don't believe in tolerating
unacceptable behavior - even if it's due to tiredness. Our title
is "PARENT" not bystander. I believe in guidance & understanding, not
totalitarian tolerance.
It sounds like your ds did his part... it was wise of him to alert
you before any conflict escalated.
But that's just my two cents worth. All kids have their own unique
personalities & behaviors. You know your kids best... all families
are works in progress.
Best wishes,
Nancy
annoying her sib"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Jeanne,
Perhaps some would disagree with me, but I would have separated your
dd from your ds... but would have tried to not use the separation as
a punishment.
We all get tired sometimes... & testy. Your dd was no different. When
I'm cranky, I try not to be with other people to avoid any potential
conflicts. I feel we need to share that same advice with our
children. I would have sent dd to her room explaining to her that she
had a real busy day and deserved some alone time. She can either go
to bed early, or she can read/look at a book til she wants to sleep.
Or I would have offered her a soothing warm bath to help her unwind
before bed. I have offered these options many times to my own very
active dd. Explain to your dd that this is simply how one handles
being tired, so even if she's upset this time, it'll be easier - more
routine, next time.
I don't like punishment, but I also don't believe in tolerating
unacceptable behavior - even if it's due to tiredness. Our title
is "PARENT" not bystander. I believe in guidance & understanding, not
totalitarian tolerance.
It sounds like your ds did his part... it was wise of him to alert
you before any conflict escalated.
But that's just my two cents worth. All kids have their own unique
personalities & behaviors. You know your kids best... all families
are works in progress.
Best wishes,
Nancy
Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese
<<<<<<<Toward the end of the evening, ds reported that dd was *really
annoying him* and he wanted our help to resolve the conflict. I asked him
what he tried and it sounded as though he had really tried to work it out
with her. He asked her to stop and then asked her why she was ignoring him.
(The really annoying had included hitting, throwing things, poking and
otherwise trying to arouse db who wanted to watch TV and he had invited her
to join him.)
I won't bother to tell you how it was resolved -- but it didn't come out
well. (Although no one was harmed in the making of this message.)
So now that I've shared that LONG story. My question is really two fold --
how do you deal with a kid who's overtired and intentionally annoying her
sib. And how might I have advised the sib to handle the situation on his own
(he's been trying really hard to avoid a conflict with her this summer and
as a team we've been working hard on conflict resolution.)
Jeanne>>>>>>>>>
I think this is a hard thing to advise on since a lot depends on your
relationship with dd and how she responds to whatever you decide to try. I
also don't know what you tried or how she responded. If it were my kids, I
would approach the cranky one and say "ds just came in and asked for my
help. He said you've been hitting him and throwing things at him. Does
that sound right?" Then "Are you feeling really tired or is it that you
really want to play with him and he wants to watch TV right now?" You have
assumed overtired and you may be right, but then again, I have often assumed
that myself and found I was wrong. I think it's easy to assume tiredness at
all difficult behavior but it isn't always so. Then I'd respond to whatever
the reason was. If she's tired, then maybe a quiet activity with you would
be good, or maybe she'd like to go to bed and have a backrub. If she wants
to play with her brother, I'd help her express that in words such as
"Brother, I really want to play such and such a game with you...can you
watch the tv another time so we can play together?" If he says yes,
conflict resolved. If he says "No", then I'd continue to work with dd on
whether playing a game with a parent would do the trick or not. I do find
that even if no one is agreeing, once we have fleshed out the conflict in
peaceful conversation, everyone is generally more willing to find some kind
of solution even if it is not ideal. I would certainly make it clear that
my dd should use her words and not her hands to say what she needs to say,
and if she was unable to do that, I'd remove her from the situation until
she could as I feel strongly about everyone feeling safe - and I express
that to my kids as "It's important to me that everyone feel safe. Since you
are still hurting your brother, I'm going to help you to a different room
until you can use words instead of hands"...
Joan
annoying him* and he wanted our help to resolve the conflict. I asked him
what he tried and it sounded as though he had really tried to work it out
with her. He asked her to stop and then asked her why she was ignoring him.
(The really annoying had included hitting, throwing things, poking and
otherwise trying to arouse db who wanted to watch TV and he had invited her
to join him.)
I won't bother to tell you how it was resolved -- but it didn't come out
well. (Although no one was harmed in the making of this message.)
So now that I've shared that LONG story. My question is really two fold --
how do you deal with a kid who's overtired and intentionally annoying her
sib. And how might I have advised the sib to handle the situation on his own
(he's been trying really hard to avoid a conflict with her this summer and
as a team we've been working hard on conflict resolution.)
Jeanne>>>>>>>>>
I think this is a hard thing to advise on since a lot depends on your
relationship with dd and how she responds to whatever you decide to try. I
also don't know what you tried or how she responded. If it were my kids, I
would approach the cranky one and say "ds just came in and asked for my
help. He said you've been hitting him and throwing things at him. Does
that sound right?" Then "Are you feeling really tired or is it that you
really want to play with him and he wants to watch TV right now?" You have
assumed overtired and you may be right, but then again, I have often assumed
that myself and found I was wrong. I think it's easy to assume tiredness at
all difficult behavior but it isn't always so. Then I'd respond to whatever
the reason was. If she's tired, then maybe a quiet activity with you would
be good, or maybe she'd like to go to bed and have a backrub. If she wants
to play with her brother, I'd help her express that in words such as
"Brother, I really want to play such and such a game with you...can you
watch the tv another time so we can play together?" If he says yes,
conflict resolved. If he says "No", then I'd continue to work with dd on
whether playing a game with a parent would do the trick or not. I do find
that even if no one is agreeing, once we have fleshed out the conflict in
peaceful conversation, everyone is generally more willing to find some kind
of solution even if it is not ideal. I would certainly make it clear that
my dd should use her words and not her hands to say what she needs to say,
and if she was unable to do that, I'd remove her from the situation until
she could as I feel strongly about everyone feeling safe - and I express
that to my kids as "It's important to me that everyone feel safe. Since you
are still hurting your brother, I'm going to help you to a different room
until you can use words instead of hands"...
Joan
catherine aceto
Wow - what a stressful day your daughter had. In many biochemical ways, it doesn't matter if it is "bad" stress (not being able to talk to you as much as she wanted while you are presenting at the meeting), or "good" stress (going to a restaurant and two different stores), the same stress chemicals are still being manufactured by the body and they have to go somewhere.
For my daughter (6.5) doing so many things in one day can often lead to her feeling vaguely out-of-sorts and acting in the same way you described (although toward me or her father, since her brother is only 1.5).
When my daughter is in that kind of state of disequilibrium (poking, annoying, making loud noises) this is what works for us. First, acknowledging that she has had a busy day, and talking about what parts might have been hard or exciting for her, really hearing her and empathasizing with what she says.
Second, depending on whether she is still wound up, then we might do some really active stuff, racing up and down the house or some other physical thing to get out some energy. Otherwise, we move straight to some winding down time together -- (a warm bath with me sitting in the bathroom talking with her), a cuddle, watching a familiar DVD, reading a familiar book.
What doesn't work is for me to think to myself - "I've had a busy stressful day and I bought you what you wanted for lunch and I bought you a toy and I bought you a video -- why can't you just not need anything for 15 seconds so that I can rest." I'm not saying that you were feeling that way -- but that is the trap that I can often fall into with a day like the one that you were describing. When I catch myself feeling that way, I have to remind myself that I wasn't the one who choose to do too many things today and pull myself together and help her unwind.
If she had an older brother, I certainly wouldn't let her bother him while he was peacefully watching TV, and I wouldn't expect him to be able to difuse the situation without help. What my daughter would need in that situation is human interaction and I wouldn't expect her brother to have to be the one to provide it.
-Cat
--- Original Message -----
From: Jeanne Goodman
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, July 10, 2004 11:22 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Sib trouble & overtired How would you have handled it?
So now that I've shared that LONG story. My question is really two fold -- how do you deal with a kid who's overtired and intentionally annoying her sib. And how might I have advised the sib to handle the situation on his own (he's been trying really hard to avoid a conflict with her this summer and as a team we've been working hard on conflict resolution.)
Jeanne
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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For my daughter (6.5) doing so many things in one day can often lead to her feeling vaguely out-of-sorts and acting in the same way you described (although toward me or her father, since her brother is only 1.5).
When my daughter is in that kind of state of disequilibrium (poking, annoying, making loud noises) this is what works for us. First, acknowledging that she has had a busy day, and talking about what parts might have been hard or exciting for her, really hearing her and empathasizing with what she says.
Second, depending on whether she is still wound up, then we might do some really active stuff, racing up and down the house or some other physical thing to get out some energy. Otherwise, we move straight to some winding down time together -- (a warm bath with me sitting in the bathroom talking with her), a cuddle, watching a familiar DVD, reading a familiar book.
What doesn't work is for me to think to myself - "I've had a busy stressful day and I bought you what you wanted for lunch and I bought you a toy and I bought you a video -- why can't you just not need anything for 15 seconds so that I can rest." I'm not saying that you were feeling that way -- but that is the trap that I can often fall into with a day like the one that you were describing. When I catch myself feeling that way, I have to remind myself that I wasn't the one who choose to do too many things today and pull myself together and help her unwind.
If she had an older brother, I certainly wouldn't let her bother him while he was peacefully watching TV, and I wouldn't expect him to be able to difuse the situation without help. What my daughter would need in that situation is human interaction and I wouldn't expect her brother to have to be the one to provide it.
-Cat
--- Original Message -----
From: Jeanne Goodman
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, July 10, 2004 11:22 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Sib trouble & overtired How would you have handled it?
So now that I've shared that LONG story. My question is really two fold -- how do you deal with a kid who's overtired and intentionally annoying her sib. And how might I have advised the sib to handle the situation on his own (he's been trying really hard to avoid a conflict with her this summer and as a team we've been working hard on conflict resolution.)
Jeanne
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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a.. To visit your group on the web, go to:
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b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
earthmothergypsy
Jeanne,
I think I would have tried to redirect your dd into another
activity. Suggesting things she might like to do. Something that
might help her unwind from the day. :) I might have even started
reading a book she might like allowed, or asked her if she wanted to
play a game with me or something. They did need to be seperated in
some way.
Sounds like your ds did great trying to handle it the way he did and
asking for help when needed. Can't see how he could have changed
much. DD was just a "grumpy bear" at the time-just like we all get
when we are tired or over stimulated. lol!
~Amanda
--- In [email protected], "Jeanne Goodman"
<goodmanj@j...> wrote:
she said she did. I suggested she get to bed early because we would
have to get up early, but she didn't.
where I got her some clothing and a small toy. Then we got some video
games that I've put off getting because I thought they should be
doing other things... but I digress. Let it suffice to say she was
pleased with the day.
him what he tried and it sounded as though he had really tried to
work it out with her. He asked her to stop and then asked her why she
was ignoring him. (The really annoying had included hitting, throwing
things, poking and otherwise trying to arouse db who wanted to watch
TV and he had invited her to join him.)
message.)
annoying her sib. And how might I have advised the sib to handle the
situation on his own (he's been trying really hard to avoid a
conflict with her this summer and as a team we've been working hard
on conflict resolution.)
I think I would have tried to redirect your dd into another
activity. Suggesting things she might like to do. Something that
might help her unwind from the day. :) I might have even started
reading a book she might like allowed, or asked her if she wanted to
play a game with me or something. They did need to be seperated in
some way.
Sounds like your ds did great trying to handle it the way he did and
asking for help when needed. Can't see how he could have changed
much. DD was just a "grumpy bear" at the time-just like we all get
when we are tired or over stimulated. lol!
~Amanda
--- In [email protected], "Jeanne Goodman"
<goodmanj@j...> wrote:
> Ok, I really hope I'm not overdoing it on the list, but I'd reallywould like to hear how you would have handled this.
>morning. I asked dd if she wanted to come with me to my meeting and
> It really started last night. Both dh and I had to work this
she said she did. I suggested she get to bed early because we would
have to get up early, but she didn't.
>few times while I was presenting to say that she was bored.
> She did relatively well at the meeting -- she only interrupted me a
>My tongue is sore from biting it.) Then we went to the thrift shop
> After the meeting we went to lunch (I didn't control what she got.
where I got her some clothing and a small toy. Then we got some video
games that I've put off getting because I thought they should be
doing other things... but I digress. Let it suffice to say she was
pleased with the day.
>annoying him* and he wanted our help to resolve the conflict. I asked
> Toward the end of the evening, ds reported that dd was *really
him what he tried and it sounded as though he had really tried to
work it out with her. He asked her to stop and then asked her why she
was ignoring him. (The really annoying had included hitting, throwing
things, poking and otherwise trying to arouse db who wanted to watch
TV and he had invited her to join him.)
>come out well. (Although no one was harmed in the making of this
> I won't bother to tell you how it was resolved -- but it didn't
message.)
>fold -- how do you deal with a kid who's overtired and intentionally
> So now that I've shared that LONG story. My question is really two
annoying her sib. And how might I have advised the sib to handle the
situation on his own (he's been trying really hard to avoid a
conflict with her this summer and as a team we've been working hard
on conflict resolution.)
>
> Jeanne
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]