Ren Allen

"Your 100% right though, for most adults, if they had dropped the
eggs they would have done little more then say sorry. But we Hubby
and I try to be a little more mindful then that and so we might have
done something more, like make dinner, do the dishes, wash the
floor. <<<<<"

This sounds to me like there is a lot of punishing oneself in your
family. Why wouldn't "sorry" be enough? We like to do nice things
for each other from a place of love and joy, not guilt and "owing".

I don't feel a need to make up for anything if I accidentally break
something, it's just an accident. Accidents shouldn't get too much
attention....it just causes internalized guilt.
You're putting a lot of pressure on a very little person and
teaching her she is responsible for things she is NOT responsible
for. Daddy's anger is being internalized, trust me.

No person is responsible for another person's feelings. To teach
your child otherwise is very unhealthy. I know this is a lot being
thrown at you all at once, and I know you are trying very hard to
make changes. I think some of these patterns are family patterns
that we aren't even aware of until someone points it out, so no
guilt for you either, but maybe something to start thinking about.:)

Around here, we are a team. Accidents aren't a reason to make
someone feel badly, the person feels bad already and we help them
clean up and feel ok about it. My dh doesn't hold things over my
head, I don't hold them over his, and ditto for the kids. We're
learning together, striving to do better all the time. That doesn't
mean we don't get frustrated by messes sometimes, but we try really
hard to catch ourselves and make sure the child knows we aren't
blaming them and that we do the same things ourselves.

If I wrecked Markus's car, I would feel really, really awful. I
wouldn't be expected to replace it on my own, or spend some amount
of time trying to make up for it. I would want to help fix it,
because that's what families do. He would be upset about the car,
but we would all work together for the good of everyone here.

Being a team, a support system, means working together. It involves
understanding and empathy. I think your dh would do really well to
try and read up on child development a bit. It sounds like he has
really high expectations for your dd. It also sounds like he's
venting his own childhood trauma somewhat. It might take a ton of
modeling kindness and deep respect for you, in order for it to rub
off on him...but it can be done!

I think it was really, really great that you put your foot down when
he was on his tirade. You stood up for your dd, who couldn't stand
up for herself...that's really important. You did a good thing.
I would have said, "Hey, eggs get broken" and told her a story of
when I broke something. Eggs are cheap. They aren't worth harming
the fragile emotions of a child.
Go buy two dozen really cheap eggs. Throw them against a tree, or
drop them from a deck. Tell her that eggs can be replaced, but she
can't and that the important thing is the love you all share.

If your dh is going to get really pissed about eggs, I have to warn
you, the older children get, the more expensive the breaks!:)
We've lost windows, fragile things, food (hell, Jalen dumped a $7
bag of dried blueberries today) and eventually CARS.
It's just stuff.
Trevor made a huge error and left $2,000 worth of camera and video
equipment on the back of my car, when he was supposed to put it IN
the car. It was all destroyed...all but one really old camera. I
still mourn for my equipment! But as he cried, knowing how much it
saddened me to lose it, I simply hugged him and said "Trevor, these
kind of things happen in life, it's stuff I loved, but it's stuff I
can replace. I'm really, really glad nothing bad happened to one of
you, I can't replace the people I love." and also "that camera
equipment could never be as important as your feelings, you matter
more to me than anything I own."
It helped a lot. He already felt absolutely horrible. There was no
replacing that equipment by making him feel worse! If you live to
be my age, and not destroy something valuable, plus a lot of
invaluable things, then you are unusual. You might as well accept
these accidents as part of life, and allow her the freedom of
knowing she is still a good, wonderful person, in spite of making
mistakes.
Having her "make up" for accidents is setting her up for emotions
and unhealthy patterns that need to stop.


Ren