Question on dealing with family...
Cara
We are new to applying unschooling to life choices - allowing
children to choose food, bedtime, etc - It's been about 2 months so
far and my 5 & 7 year old daughters are thriving.
Anyway we had something happend today at my in-laws.
We visit my inlaws quite often since we have moved here 2 years
ago. Today my MIL ordered (she didn't ask or say please - lol - so
I don't know another word) my oldest daughter to get her a folding
chair. She doesn't get around very well and there were 5 other
adults there she could have asked for help. Yet she kept raising
her voice and demanding my daughter to help her. When my daughter
said "No, I don't want to help I want to play" (with her cousins
that were also visiting) She screamed at her, calling her lazy, a
bad grandaughter, etc. I told her as nicely as a could that my
daughter is free to choose whether or not she wants to help and she
doesn't appreciate being ordered or demanded. She then proceeded to
tell me that if she ever did that again she would beat her. I told
her she would never lay a hand on my children. She told me that
someone had to beat some respect into my children. We continued to
loudly discuss - me pointing out that my children can choose whether
or not to help - and she kept saying no - she should do what's she
told. Then to top it all off - her grandfather (whom was angry that
I defended my child) allowed the other grandchildren (the cousins)
to ride on the 4-wheeler with their mom, but not mine, since they
were disrespectful to his wife.
I did raise my voice at her and probably pushed it a bit too far,
but do you have any other suggestions on how to handle a situation
like this if it ever comes up again?
They truly don't get that children should be able to decide whether
or not they want to help. They talk to my neice and nephews and
bark orders at them and expect them to jump to it. They look at me
with a "deer in the headlight" look when I explain why I
homeschool. How do you handle situations with people who just don't
get what you are saying?
Blessings,
Cara :)
children to choose food, bedtime, etc - It's been about 2 months so
far and my 5 & 7 year old daughters are thriving.
Anyway we had something happend today at my in-laws.
We visit my inlaws quite often since we have moved here 2 years
ago. Today my MIL ordered (she didn't ask or say please - lol - so
I don't know another word) my oldest daughter to get her a folding
chair. She doesn't get around very well and there were 5 other
adults there she could have asked for help. Yet she kept raising
her voice and demanding my daughter to help her. When my daughter
said "No, I don't want to help I want to play" (with her cousins
that were also visiting) She screamed at her, calling her lazy, a
bad grandaughter, etc. I told her as nicely as a could that my
daughter is free to choose whether or not she wants to help and she
doesn't appreciate being ordered or demanded. She then proceeded to
tell me that if she ever did that again she would beat her. I told
her she would never lay a hand on my children. She told me that
someone had to beat some respect into my children. We continued to
loudly discuss - me pointing out that my children can choose whether
or not to help - and she kept saying no - she should do what's she
told. Then to top it all off - her grandfather (whom was angry that
I defended my child) allowed the other grandchildren (the cousins)
to ride on the 4-wheeler with their mom, but not mine, since they
were disrespectful to his wife.
I did raise my voice at her and probably pushed it a bit too far,
but do you have any other suggestions on how to handle a situation
like this if it ever comes up again?
They truly don't get that children should be able to decide whether
or not they want to help. They talk to my neice and nephews and
bark orders at them and expect them to jump to it. They look at me
with a "deer in the headlight" look when I explain why I
homeschool. How do you handle situations with people who just don't
get what you are saying?
Blessings,
Cara :)
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/21/2006 10:10:54 PM Central Daylight Time,
casonnier@... writes:
How do you handle situations with people who just don't
get what you are saying?
I have to say..... Im pretty low key and put up with alot from my inlaws
but they just make remarks to me when the kids are not around..... I know this
sounds really harsh but if this were me id not be going back and when they
call asking why Id nicely (cause why sink to their level) say that wed be
back when they could respect my children and my choices and that id never put
my child into a situation where the threat of being *beat* was even thought
of. IMO your mil saying If they do it again I will beat them is saying just
that so if you return without this being adressed in a way where they know
this isnt an option, you are silently enabling them to follow through. Good
luck family is never easy to deal with! Smiles although I appreciate my inlaws
quietly voicing their concerns to just me alot more now!!
Chrissy in IL
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
casonnier@... writes:
How do you handle situations with people who just don't
get what you are saying?
I have to say..... Im pretty low key and put up with alot from my inlaws
but they just make remarks to me when the kids are not around..... I know this
sounds really harsh but if this were me id not be going back and when they
call asking why Id nicely (cause why sink to their level) say that wed be
back when they could respect my children and my choices and that id never put
my child into a situation where the threat of being *beat* was even thought
of. IMO your mil saying If they do it again I will beat them is saying just
that so if you return without this being adressed in a way where they know
this isnt an option, you are silently enabling them to follow through. Good
luck family is never easy to deal with! Smiles although I appreciate my inlaws
quietly voicing their concerns to just me alot more now!!
Chrissy in IL
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
>> do you have any other suggestions on how to handle a situation like this if it ever comes up again?>>I would leave. I wouldn't let someone treat me or my child that way. If you really want to try to enlighten them, I would do it by email.
--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "Cara" <casonnier@...>
> We are new to applying unschooling to life choices - allowing
> children to choose food, bedtime, etc - It's been about 2 months so
> far and my 5 & 7 year old daughters are thriving.
>
> Anyway we had something happend today at my in-laws.
>
> We visit my inlaws quite often since we have moved here 2 years
> ago. Today my MIL ordered (she didn't ask or say please - lol - so
> I don't know another word) my oldest daughter to get her a folding
> chair. She doesn't get around very well and there were 5 other
> adults there she could have asked for help. Yet she kept raising
> her voice and demanding my daughter to help her. When my daughter
> said "No, I don't want to help I want to play" (with her cousins
> that were also visiting) She screamed at her, calling her lazy, a
> bad grandaughter, etc. I told her as nicely as a could that my
> daughter is free to choose whether or not she wants to help and she
> doesn't appreciate being ordered or demanded. She then proceeded to
> tell me that if she ever did that again she would beat her. I told
> her she would never lay a hand on my children. She told me that
> someone had to beat some respect into my children. We continued to
> loudly discuss - me pointing out that my children can choose whether
> or not to help - and she kept saying no - she should do what's she
> told. Then to top it all off - her grandfather (whom was angry that
> I defended my child) allowed the other grandchildren (the cousins)
> to ride on the 4-wheeler with their mom, but not mine, since they
> were disrespectful to his wife.
>
> I did raise my voice at her and probably pushed it a bit too far,
> but do you have any other suggestions on how to handle a situation
> like this if it ever comes up again?
>
> They truly don't get that children should be able to decide whether
> or not they want to help. They talk to my neice and nephews and
> bark orders at them and expect them to jump to it. They look at me
> with a "deer in the headlight" look when I explain why I
> homeschool. How do you handle situations with people who just don't
> get what you are saying?
>
> Blessings,
> Cara :)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
marji
I agree with Mary/Zenmomma; I'd split for sure!! I would not allow
**anyone** to threaten physical or emotional violence against anyone,
especially my kid!! I'd be sure to explain why I was leaving very
clearly so that there would be absolutely no doubt.
I also agree with Mary that I would then begin to educate my in-laws
(from afar) about my different parenting/educational philosophy. I'd
be gentle about it, and I would want them to understand that *I
understand* where *they're* coming from. Not right or wrong, just
different ~ but your way is valid!! This is *your family's*
path. If you think it would help to drive home your point, you might
add that they will need to *respect* what the way you and your
husband have chosen to parent your kids and that if violence is ever
threatened again, they will have to enjoy photographs of your kids
rather than their physical presence.
I would send them a lot of reading material (essays and articles,
etc.) that illustrates why you came to adopt this parenting style,
and I would continually acknowledge your understanding that they have
a different approach, and that's okay. You also might send them
anecdotes of how your kids are thriving so they can begin to see them
as you do, and they can begin to see that your way is "working" for
you and your kids. They don't have to adopt your approach, they only
have to respect you and your differences.
My folks came up in a very different world than I did and certainly
than my son is! To help them understand why I am so different with
Liam than they were with me (and even than my brother and sister are
with their kids), I passed on a lot of reading material and lots of
anecdotes. Even if they didn't really "get" it, it was enough that
they could sort of back off and at least understand that I'm doing
something different. Because of that, I got a lot of wonderful
feedback from my folks, who understood that they should not to look
for the same benchmarks in Liam that they would in their other
grandkids and other kids in general. They even really admired Liam
and his unusual outlook on life!
Anyway, I really hope that helps!!
~marji
At 23:04 9/21/2006, you wrote:
Marji
<http://www.gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf
<http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/GaiaWolf/>Join the GaiaWolf Mailing List
<http://myspace.com/gaiawolf>Visit us on MySpace
"The animals of this world exist for their own reasons. They were
not made for humans any more than blacks were made for whites or
women created for men."
~Alice Walker
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
**anyone** to threaten physical or emotional violence against anyone,
especially my kid!! I'd be sure to explain why I was leaving very
clearly so that there would be absolutely no doubt.
I also agree with Mary that I would then begin to educate my in-laws
(from afar) about my different parenting/educational philosophy. I'd
be gentle about it, and I would want them to understand that *I
understand* where *they're* coming from. Not right or wrong, just
different ~ but your way is valid!! This is *your family's*
path. If you think it would help to drive home your point, you might
add that they will need to *respect* what the way you and your
husband have chosen to parent your kids and that if violence is ever
threatened again, they will have to enjoy photographs of your kids
rather than their physical presence.
I would send them a lot of reading material (essays and articles,
etc.) that illustrates why you came to adopt this parenting style,
and I would continually acknowledge your understanding that they have
a different approach, and that's okay. You also might send them
anecdotes of how your kids are thriving so they can begin to see them
as you do, and they can begin to see that your way is "working" for
you and your kids. They don't have to adopt your approach, they only
have to respect you and your differences.
My folks came up in a very different world than I did and certainly
than my son is! To help them understand why I am so different with
Liam than they were with me (and even than my brother and sister are
with their kids), I passed on a lot of reading material and lots of
anecdotes. Even if they didn't really "get" it, it was enough that
they could sort of back off and at least understand that I'm doing
something different. Because of that, I got a lot of wonderful
feedback from my folks, who understood that they should not to look
for the same benchmarks in Liam that they would in their other
grandkids and other kids in general. They even really admired Liam
and his unusual outlook on life!
Anyway, I really hope that helps!!
~marji
At 23:04 9/21/2006, you wrote:
>We are new to applying unschooling to life choices - allowing_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
>children to choose food, bedtime, etc - It's been about 2 months so
>far and my 5 & 7 year old daughters are thriving.
>
>Anyway we had something happend today at my in-laws.
Marji
<http://www.gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf
<http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/GaiaWolf/>Join the GaiaWolf Mailing List
<http://myspace.com/gaiawolf>Visit us on MySpace
"The animals of this world exist for their own reasons. They were
not made for humans any more than blacks were made for whites or
women created for men."
~Alice Walker
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 9/21/06, Cara <casonnier@...> wrote:
and aunt and uncle (who are just 4 and 6 years older than I am). They
*totally* don't get why I homeschool (we don't even mention unschool.)
They are (to be kind) "country bumpkin" type people and raised their
children (including my grandmother with my mom) with an "iron fist"
and a demand for "respect" and forcing them to do things to make them
"better people." They are disrespectful to my children but expect my
children to respect them (yeah, wierd!) They are dismissive and
always cutting them down. Because of this we haven't seen them in
over a year. It is far easier to just not see them than to deal with
their anger, disrespect, putdowns, and guilt! (My grandmother is the
Queen of Guilt!)
We also have distanced ourselves from Dan's mother for many of the
same reasons. It isn't something we did lightly either. She had no
way of contacting us for over 3 years. We mourn that we don't have
"normal" accepting respectful family members. However, we refuse to
let those family members make us feel poorly about our choices. We
refuse to submit our children to their toxicity just so that they can
have a relationship with their grandparents and other relatives. We
have a "created family" which we built from friends who respect us.
"Aunts and uncles" who understand (or at least respect) our family
choices. One of my friends (who would have been a fantastic
unschooler except she sent her children to school - their all grown
now) even stretched a piece of painter's tape down her living room for
one of my kids to do cartwheels on so she could practice doing them on
a balance beam!! That's something that my family (including my own
mom) would *never* do!! This is why we love our created family.
It's hard to break away from those relationships, but you have to do
what you think is right for your children, not for the "family." My
children are lacking in no way for older adults to turn to for all the
things that they would get from aunts, uncles, grandparents, and
cousins because we have surrounded them with lifelong friends!
Michelle
> She told me thatOh what a toxic situation! I have family like that. My grandmother
> someone had to beat some respect into my children. We continued to
> loudly discuss - me pointing out that my children can choose whether
> or not to help - and she kept saying no - she should do what's she
> told. Then to top it all off - her grandfather (whom was angry that
> I defended my child) allowed the other grandchildren (the cousins)
> to ride on the 4-wheeler with their mom, but not mine, since they
> were disrespectful to his wife.
>
and aunt and uncle (who are just 4 and 6 years older than I am). They
*totally* don't get why I homeschool (we don't even mention unschool.)
They are (to be kind) "country bumpkin" type people and raised their
children (including my grandmother with my mom) with an "iron fist"
and a demand for "respect" and forcing them to do things to make them
"better people." They are disrespectful to my children but expect my
children to respect them (yeah, wierd!) They are dismissive and
always cutting them down. Because of this we haven't seen them in
over a year. It is far easier to just not see them than to deal with
their anger, disrespect, putdowns, and guilt! (My grandmother is the
Queen of Guilt!)
We also have distanced ourselves from Dan's mother for many of the
same reasons. It isn't something we did lightly either. She had no
way of contacting us for over 3 years. We mourn that we don't have
"normal" accepting respectful family members. However, we refuse to
let those family members make us feel poorly about our choices. We
refuse to submit our children to their toxicity just so that they can
have a relationship with their grandparents and other relatives. We
have a "created family" which we built from friends who respect us.
"Aunts and uncles" who understand (or at least respect) our family
choices. One of my friends (who would have been a fantastic
unschooler except she sent her children to school - their all grown
now) even stretched a piece of painter's tape down her living room for
one of my kids to do cartwheels on so she could practice doing them on
a balance beam!! That's something that my family (including my own
mom) would *never* do!! This is why we love our created family.
It's hard to break away from those relationships, but you have to do
what you think is right for your children, not for the "family." My
children are lacking in no way for older adults to turn to for all the
things that they would get from aunts, uncles, grandparents, and
cousins because we have surrounded them with lifelong friends!
Michelle
Lesa
Totally, in that situation... leaving was absolutely called for. And it may
also mean that you don't visit often either! Do you really need people like
that in your life?
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
-------Original Message-------
From: zenmomma@...
Date: 09/22/06 01:25:28
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Question on dealing with family...
I would leave. I wouldn't let someone treat me or my child that way. If you
really want to try to enlighten them, I would do it by email.
--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "Cara" <casonnier@...>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
also mean that you don't visit often either! Do you really need people like
that in your life?
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
-------Original Message-------
From: zenmomma@...
Date: 09/22/06 01:25:28
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Question on dealing with family...
>> do you have any other suggestions on how to handle a situation like thisif it ever comes up again?>>
I would leave. I wouldn't let someone treat me or my child that way. If you
really want to try to enlighten them, I would do it by email.
--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "Cara" <casonnier@...>
> We visit my inlaws quite often since we have moved here 2 years.
> ago. Today my MIL ordered (she didn't ask or say please - lol - so
> I don't know another word) my oldest daughter to get her a folding
> chair. She doesn't get around very well and there were 5 other
> adults there she could have asked for help. Yet she kept raising
> her voice and demanding my daughter to help her. When my daughter
> said "No, I don't want to help I want to play" (with her cousins
> that were also visiting) She screamed at her, calling her lazy, a
> bad grandaughter, etc. I told her as nicely as a could that my
> daughter is free to choose whether or not she wants to help and she
> doesn't appreciate being ordered or demanded. She then proceeded to
> tell me that if she ever did that again she would beat her. I told
> her she would never lay a hand on my children. She told me that
> someone had to beat some respect into my children. We continued to
> loudly discuss - me pointing out that my children can choose whether
> or not to help - and she kept saying no - she should do what's she
> told. Then to top it all off - her grandfather (whom was angry that
> I defended my child) allowed the other grandchildren (the cousins)
> to ride on the 4-wheeler with their mom, but not mine, since they
> were disrespectful to his wife.
>
> Blessings,
> Cara :)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
My advice would be to head for the door at the first *feeling* you have, even
if it's just tension in the air, that things are going south. Your first
priority is to protect your children; sometimes yes, even protecting them from
family who are supposed to 'love' them.
Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, but I would hope in that situation I would have
very excitedly said to my boys, "HEEEY! I am sooooo hungry for some ice
cream! Who'd like to come with me?" Whilst shooting the ***hole offenders a
look that could kill, but not giving them the pleasure of engaging me in a
debate. There's nothing to debate.period.
Your children are your own, protect them, don't see your in-laws for however
long it takes for them to back off. You have that right, and it's one I've
had to exercise many times, and I've never regretted it!
With lots of support,
Karen
www.thewildtribe.blogspot.com
if it's just tension in the air, that things are going south. Your first
priority is to protect your children; sometimes yes, even protecting them from
family who are supposed to 'love' them.
Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, but I would hope in that situation I would have
very excitedly said to my boys, "HEEEY! I am sooooo hungry for some ice
cream! Who'd like to come with me?" Whilst shooting the ***hole offenders a
look that could kill, but not giving them the pleasure of engaging me in a
debate. There's nothing to debate.period.
Your children are your own, protect them, don't see your in-laws for however
long it takes for them to back off. You have that right, and it's one I've
had to exercise many times, and I've never regretted it!
With lots of support,
Karen
www.thewildtribe.blogspot.com
Vickisue Gray
Cara,
I no longer speak to my parents. I wish I no longer had to deal with my MIL but she lives in my house! My children wish she'd hurry up and die which upsets my spouse as she's his mother. She never says please nor thank-you. The other day she threatened my step-daughter over a microwavable meal my step-daughter was eating. I lost it. Thank goodness my spouse backed me up. My step-daughter asked to go back to her mother's to get away from the witch. My spouse told his mother (again) if she can not treat her grandchildren better, then she will have to find somewhere else to live. He tries to sooth it over by reminding us she had a stroke.
In my opinion, and years of experience, you can't change them unless they want to change. I kept trying with my parents for years. I finally gave up and found I was much happier without their nastiness.
I take a life lesson out of this and look for grandparents whom are loved by their grandchildren. I am taking notes so I can emulate them when it's my turn to be a grandparent. Nothing, not even a chair nor microwavable meal, is worth chasing MY future grandchildren from my life.
Good luck to you.
Vicki
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I no longer speak to my parents. I wish I no longer had to deal with my MIL but she lives in my house! My children wish she'd hurry up and die which upsets my spouse as she's his mother. She never says please nor thank-you. The other day she threatened my step-daughter over a microwavable meal my step-daughter was eating. I lost it. Thank goodness my spouse backed me up. My step-daughter asked to go back to her mother's to get away from the witch. My spouse told his mother (again) if she can not treat her grandchildren better, then she will have to find somewhere else to live. He tries to sooth it over by reminding us she had a stroke.
In my opinion, and years of experience, you can't change them unless they want to change. I kept trying with my parents for years. I finally gave up and found I was much happier without their nastiness.
I take a life lesson out of this and look for grandparents whom are loved by their grandchildren. I am taking notes so I can emulate them when it's my turn to be a grandparent. Nothing, not even a chair nor microwavable meal, is worth chasing MY future grandchildren from my life.
Good luck to you.
Vicki
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]