Is 2 too young..
neamonn
Hello, I just joined the site..and was given the Joyfully Rejoicing
site to get me started,,,thanks to all of you who introduced me to
this site..I am wondering how many of you sarted this process at
birth..I am struggling with the usual 2 yr old struggles and finding
myself in the "do this or we cant do this" for example... put your
clothes on so we can leave..and finding that I repeat a million times
and become impatien using the "fine well stay home"but of course we go
with me finally getting him dressed etc...How do you work with those
basic topics daily..because I will ask him if he wants to to A, B C
and he always says yes..but getting ready before we are too late is
rough!! Or naps...never wants to but once we go to hhis room and read
and I say goodnight he sleeps...thanks for the ideas! Natalie
site to get me started,,,thanks to all of you who introduced me to
this site..I am wondering how many of you sarted this process at
birth..I am struggling with the usual 2 yr old struggles and finding
myself in the "do this or we cant do this" for example... put your
clothes on so we can leave..and finding that I repeat a million times
and become impatien using the "fine well stay home"but of course we go
with me finally getting him dressed etc...How do you work with those
basic topics daily..because I will ask him if he wants to to A, B C
and he always says yes..but getting ready before we are too late is
rough!! Or naps...never wants to but once we go to hhis room and read
and I say goodnight he sleeps...thanks for the ideas! Natalie
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 9/20/06, neamonn <neamonn@...> wrote:
accomplish this task himself? You state that you finally dress him
yourself, so why not make a game out of it (if being dressed is
important to you) and work with him to get dressed? How much shorter
time would you spend on the getting dressed part if you were actively
participating rather than begging, coercing, and demanding that he get
dressed?
How do you work with those
things, but time is very meaningless to him. Either work with him to
get out the door quicker or reevaluate the importance of being fully
dressed. Or bring his clothes with you and dress on the way or once
you get there. There are LOTS of ways to work around this so that
everyone is happier than your current scenario of a tired frustrated
mom and a frustrated anxious little guy!
just some quiet play, a relaxing movie, some music and a book time?
It's hard for him to understand at this age that life will continue or
still be there when he wakes up. He probably feels like he is missing
out on SO much when he is asleep.
It's never too soon to start unschooling! Sit back, relax, throw out
as many clocks as you can and enjoy your little boy! At 2yo they
usually don't need nor really want much more than mom. Playgroups
generally are very stressful for our little ones and many times they
are overwhelmed by all the "big things" there are to do even when they
seem fun. Schedule less, find out what his passions are and you may
find that you are doing more, but it is more what he is interested in
and what he wants to do! Perhaps even then the struggles for dressing
may diminish (or you will get used to seeing him half dressed) :)
Michelle
> Hello, I just joined the site..and was given the Joyfully RejoicingDoes he need to be dressed to go out? Are you wanting him to
> site to get me started,,,thanks to all of you who introduced me to
> this site..I am wondering how many of you sarted this process at
> birth..I am struggling with the usual 2 yr old struggles and finding
> myself in the "do this or we cant do this" for example... put your
> clothes on so we can leave..and finding that I repeat a million times
> and become impatien using the "fine well stay home"but of course we go
> with me finally getting him dressed etc...
accomplish this task himself? You state that you finally dress him
yourself, so why not make a game out of it (if being dressed is
important to you) and work with him to get dressed? How much shorter
time would you spend on the getting dressed part if you were actively
participating rather than begging, coercing, and demanding that he get
dressed?
How do you work with those
> basic topics daily..because I will ask him if he wants to to A, B CHe's TWO!! He's still a baby. Of course he wants to do all these fun
> and he always says yes..but getting ready before we are too late is
> rough!!
things, but time is very meaningless to him. Either work with him to
get out the door quicker or reevaluate the importance of being fully
dressed. Or bring his clothes with you and dress on the way or once
you get there. There are LOTS of ways to work around this so that
everyone is happier than your current scenario of a tired frustrated
mom and a frustrated anxious little guy!
>Or naps...never wants to but once we go to hhis room and readDoes he have to go to his room to nap? Does he *need* a nap or maybe
> and I say goodnight he sleeps...thanks for the ideas! Natalie
>
just some quiet play, a relaxing movie, some music and a book time?
It's hard for him to understand at this age that life will continue or
still be there when he wakes up. He probably feels like he is missing
out on SO much when he is asleep.
It's never too soon to start unschooling! Sit back, relax, throw out
as many clocks as you can and enjoy your little boy! At 2yo they
usually don't need nor really want much more than mom. Playgroups
generally are very stressful for our little ones and many times they
are overwhelmed by all the "big things" there are to do even when they
seem fun. Schedule less, find out what his passions are and you may
find that you are doing more, but it is more what he is interested in
and what he wants to do! Perhaps even then the struggles for dressing
may diminish (or you will get used to seeing him half dressed) :)
Michelle
Solé
Hello Natalie,
I think what helps is doing things together. I don't mean you help
him dressing – that too – but I mean YOU get dressed. Don't get
dressed before he wakes up... he probably sees you in your normal
clothes when HE goes to bed, and when he wakes up you are again in
clothes – so he might not understand that you DO change clothes in
between. Why should he change clothes? Another thing is that for a 2
yr old, it might seem arbitrary to have put a t-shirt and trousers
OFF to put others on. For such a young child the "pyjamas" are just
another pair of t-shirt and trousers, I guess. So maybe you could
find pyjamas which look like... training pants? So you can just go
out in these, change when you bathe him or on another occasion. Or
use training pants as pyjamas. Or don't use pyjamas! Or let him go
out in pyjamas – I have read several times here that their youngest
go out in pyjamas :-) Or naked and clothe on the way. Maybe he just
wants to do it for once, and then never again :-) It may sound
awkward to you but think about it, actually it's only YOU who wants
him to get dressed, not him. So either you let him do what he wants,
or you find ways which could possibly suit you both. Although I
wasn't unschooling at the time, when my daughter was younger, we
would always dress together and make it a game (she always won). We'd
pick clothes together, and now, unschooling, I would let her pick my
clothes and I'd pick hers – or she'd pick all, or we'd pick together.
My son is 1 now and I don't have these "problems" yet, but I have
been thinking a lot about it because at this age, we can't seem to
reason with them and explain why they'd have to put anything on or
bathe or eat or do whatever. So i#ve been trying to see it from their
perspective and I've been thinking of ways how I'd do it. And if I
look back, the things which worked best until now (even not
unschooling, I should have found out way earlier that things work
better this way), is when we did things together. Go sleeping
together, bathe together, clothe together, eat together, play
together, clean up together. So then you won't have to "make him" do
anything, he'll just copy you, because he wants to be like mom, or
wants to do things which "Goddess" mom does, or just wants to be
human – you are showing him how to be human. You shouldn't try to
make him to be a child, just show him how you do it :-) Probably not
instantly, but I'm sure after a while he will just join in.
So when you want to go to sleep, don't say, You have to go to sleep
now, but just start putting on your pyjamas yourself, start laying
down yourself, start going to the bedroom (does it have to be the
bedroom?) yourself, start reading a book yourself, and if he's really
tired and cuddly, he'll come and join you. If you think he should
bathe, just go and bathe yourself – he'll see you having fun in the
bathtub and he can either stay out or come hin – just don't expect
him to do so and don't link consequences to what he does. If he
doesn't bathe - so what? if he doesn't sleep – so what?
You don't have to do big plans (we'll gonna do A, then B, then C, but
before you "have to" do X), because of of course he'll want to do A,
B and C instantely and maybe simultaneously :-D Everyhting will be
more exciting than X, so just start doing X if it is really
necessary, but don't use A, B and C as a "reward" for doing boring X.
Make X fun or don't do it, and do A when it's time to do A, don't
even talk about A, if possible :-) Somewhere I read about an approach
which I liked a lot. Don't plan or say you can do A, B or C – just
say "we'll do A" and do it. If the child is OK with it, then just do
it. If the child says "no, but I want to do B", then say "OK, then,
let's do B" and do that instead. Somehow you just use all the
information you have about things he likes to do and needs to do and
combine it to make the best choice for him. As soon as he is ready to
make his own choices he'll let you know and THEN you just accept this
new choice, and later you can gibe alternatives, when he can handle
them. (Not this was another subject but somehow I thought of it...) I
realized only too late that I was, in my quest of trying to be a good
parent, giving too many choices to my too young child, who couldn't
handle it.
Now this may sound impossible at times - maybe he'll ASK what you'll
do next or it won't work at the beginning. These are just suggestions
and I'm a newbie anyway so I might be wrong and maybe I'm assuming
wrong things. I think the important thing is that you try to see
things from HIS perspective, so you can understand his motivations
and understand *why* he doesn't want to do things that you think are
important. Then you can be creative and find ways to approach the
"problem", adressing the reason for his behaviour, not the behaviour
itself.
Greetings
Johanna
Am 20.09.2006 um 23:48 schrieb neamonn:
I think what helps is doing things together. I don't mean you help
him dressing – that too – but I mean YOU get dressed. Don't get
dressed before he wakes up... he probably sees you in your normal
clothes when HE goes to bed, and when he wakes up you are again in
clothes – so he might not understand that you DO change clothes in
between. Why should he change clothes? Another thing is that for a 2
yr old, it might seem arbitrary to have put a t-shirt and trousers
OFF to put others on. For such a young child the "pyjamas" are just
another pair of t-shirt and trousers, I guess. So maybe you could
find pyjamas which look like... training pants? So you can just go
out in these, change when you bathe him or on another occasion. Or
use training pants as pyjamas. Or don't use pyjamas! Or let him go
out in pyjamas – I have read several times here that their youngest
go out in pyjamas :-) Or naked and clothe on the way. Maybe he just
wants to do it for once, and then never again :-) It may sound
awkward to you but think about it, actually it's only YOU who wants
him to get dressed, not him. So either you let him do what he wants,
or you find ways which could possibly suit you both. Although I
wasn't unschooling at the time, when my daughter was younger, we
would always dress together and make it a game (she always won). We'd
pick clothes together, and now, unschooling, I would let her pick my
clothes and I'd pick hers – or she'd pick all, or we'd pick together.
My son is 1 now and I don't have these "problems" yet, but I have
been thinking a lot about it because at this age, we can't seem to
reason with them and explain why they'd have to put anything on or
bathe or eat or do whatever. So i#ve been trying to see it from their
perspective and I've been thinking of ways how I'd do it. And if I
look back, the things which worked best until now (even not
unschooling, I should have found out way earlier that things work
better this way), is when we did things together. Go sleeping
together, bathe together, clothe together, eat together, play
together, clean up together. So then you won't have to "make him" do
anything, he'll just copy you, because he wants to be like mom, or
wants to do things which "Goddess" mom does, or just wants to be
human – you are showing him how to be human. You shouldn't try to
make him to be a child, just show him how you do it :-) Probably not
instantly, but I'm sure after a while he will just join in.
So when you want to go to sleep, don't say, You have to go to sleep
now, but just start putting on your pyjamas yourself, start laying
down yourself, start going to the bedroom (does it have to be the
bedroom?) yourself, start reading a book yourself, and if he's really
tired and cuddly, he'll come and join you. If you think he should
bathe, just go and bathe yourself – he'll see you having fun in the
bathtub and he can either stay out or come hin – just don't expect
him to do so and don't link consequences to what he does. If he
doesn't bathe - so what? if he doesn't sleep – so what?
You don't have to do big plans (we'll gonna do A, then B, then C, but
before you "have to" do X), because of of course he'll want to do A,
B and C instantely and maybe simultaneously :-D Everyhting will be
more exciting than X, so just start doing X if it is really
necessary, but don't use A, B and C as a "reward" for doing boring X.
Make X fun or don't do it, and do A when it's time to do A, don't
even talk about A, if possible :-) Somewhere I read about an approach
which I liked a lot. Don't plan or say you can do A, B or C – just
say "we'll do A" and do it. If the child is OK with it, then just do
it. If the child says "no, but I want to do B", then say "OK, then,
let's do B" and do that instead. Somehow you just use all the
information you have about things he likes to do and needs to do and
combine it to make the best choice for him. As soon as he is ready to
make his own choices he'll let you know and THEN you just accept this
new choice, and later you can gibe alternatives, when he can handle
them. (Not this was another subject but somehow I thought of it...) I
realized only too late that I was, in my quest of trying to be a good
parent, giving too many choices to my too young child, who couldn't
handle it.
Now this may sound impossible at times - maybe he'll ASK what you'll
do next or it won't work at the beginning. These are just suggestions
and I'm a newbie anyway so I might be wrong and maybe I'm assuming
wrong things. I think the important thing is that you try to see
things from HIS perspective, so you can understand his motivations
and understand *why* he doesn't want to do things that you think are
important. Then you can be creative and find ways to approach the
"problem", adressing the reason for his behaviour, not the behaviour
itself.
Greetings
Johanna
Am 20.09.2006 um 23:48 schrieb neamonn:
> Hello, I just joined the site..and was given the Joyfully Rejoicing
> site to get me started,,,thanks to all of you who introduced me to
> this site..I am wondering how many of you sarted this process at
> birth..I am struggling with the usual 2 yr old struggles and finding
> myself in the "do this or we cant do this" for example... put your
> clothes on so we can leave..and finding that I repeat a million times
> and become impatien using the "fine well stay home"but of course we go
> with me finally getting him dressed etc...How do you work with those
> basic topics daily..because I will ask him if he wants to to A, B C
> and he always says yes..but getting ready before we are too late is
> rough!! Or naps...never wants to but once we go to hhis room and read
> and I say goodnight he sleeps...thanks for the ideas! Natalie
>
Angela S.
<... put your
clothes on so we can leave..and finding that I repeat a million times
and become impatien using the "fine well stay home"but of course we go
with me finally getting him dressed etc...How do you work with those
basic topics daily..because I will ask him if he wants to to A, B C
and he always says yes..but getting ready before we are too late is
rough!!>
Why not just dress him to begin with? He�s two years old. Just because he
CAN dress himself doesn�t mean he should have to. Trust me, you won�t be
dressing him when he�s 18 still. And why not just go lie down with him for
some quiet time when he�s tired?
Angela S.
HYPERLINK "mailto:game-enthusiast@..."game-enthusiast@...
Life Is Good!
--
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.405 / Virus Database: 268.12.4/449 - Release Date: 9/15/2006
--
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.405 / Virus Database: 268.12.4/449 - Release Date: 9/15/2006
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
clothes on so we can leave..and finding that I repeat a million times
and become impatien using the "fine well stay home"but of course we go
with me finally getting him dressed etc...How do you work with those
basic topics daily..because I will ask him if he wants to to A, B C
and he always says yes..but getting ready before we are too late is
rough!!>
Why not just dress him to begin with? He�s two years old. Just because he
CAN dress himself doesn�t mean he should have to. Trust me, you won�t be
dressing him when he�s 18 still. And why not just go lie down with him for
some quiet time when he�s tired?
Angela S.
HYPERLINK "mailto:game-enthusiast@..."game-enthusiast@...
Life Is Good!
--
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.405 / Virus Database: 268.12.4/449 - Release Date: 9/15/2006
--
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.405 / Virus Database: 268.12.4/449 - Release Date: 9/15/2006
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Sep 20, 2006, at 5:48 PM, neamonn wrote:
and I only had one so it made it easier to say yes rather than no.
child to do what you want or create a more compliant child who sees
the world through your understanding.
It helps a lot to see respectful parenting as a way of forging a
better relationship between you two. To become his partner in his
exploration of the world rather than his adversary or molder.
*As a side effect* of being more respectful, of respecting their
expressions of frustration and requests as being important to them we
become people our kids respect. When they're confident that we put
meeting their needs at the top of our list then we become people our
kids want to do things for.
But at 2, yes, he's too young to see why you place importance on the
things you do.
ridiculous. Rather than setting your goal as getting him to
understand why *you* think it's necessary and, therefore, he should
too, try to see it from his point of view. How could your husband get
you to bake a cake from scratch before you can go on vacation? How
could he get you to understand how "necessary" and "important" it is?
Would getting angry at you help? Would leaving it up to you help?
Would angrily slamming around the kitchen doing it "for you" help you
understand? Would it make you want to bake a cake before you went on
vacation next time? Would it make you ever want to bake a cake?
His reactions make perfect sense when you see the world through his
eyes. You can't make him see from an adult understanding. That comes
*naturally* as adulthood comes. We don't need to train it into them!
(But we can do things to make kids anxious to leave home so they
don't have to abide by ridiculous rules that make no sense.)
In the meantime you can see it as something that's important to you.
You can find ways (as others suggested) of making it less annoying
for him. My daughter slept in her t-shirts and sweat pants so she was
always ready to go :-)
shouldn't be asking us! ;-) He's already answering your question for
you.
Probably the most important "lesson" of respectful parenting is
learning to *listen* to our kids. To hear what they're trying to say
to us rather than tuning in just enough to check if they're actions
and words indicate they've understood and agree with what we're
trying to get them to do.
for them is our gift to them. A gift that we want to give them and
provide for them because we love them, not because we want or expect
it to be appreciated.
If we want to create a gourmet meal from scratch that will take 2
hours to prepare we should not plunk it down and expect them to
appreciate the 2 hours of work that went into it. It should be a gift
free of strings. It should be given because we *want* to do it,
because that's how we wanted to spend that 2 hours.
You're giving him the gift of out of the house activities. Part of
your preparation for the gift will be preparing him as gently as
possible. (We wouldn't want gift givers to make us jump through
tortorous hoops to get the gift they wanted us to appreciate!) Your
payback for your effort will be his enjoyment. Watch for it and revel
in it. :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I am wondering how many of you sarted this process atI didn't start at birth. Though admittedly Kathryn was an easy baby
> birth..
and I only had one so it made it easier to say yes rather than no.
> I am struggling with the usual 2 yr old struggles and findingIt helps a lot to not see respectful parenting as a way to get a
> myself in the "do this or we cant do this"
child to do what you want or create a more compliant child who sees
the world through your understanding.
It helps a lot to see respectful parenting as a way of forging a
better relationship between you two. To become his partner in his
exploration of the world rather than his adversary or molder.
*As a side effect* of being more respectful, of respecting their
expressions of frustration and requests as being important to them we
become people our kids respect. When they're confident that we put
meeting their needs at the top of our list then we become people our
kids want to do things for.
But at 2, yes, he's too young to see why you place importance on the
things you do.
> for example... put yourTo him the "need" to put on clothes in order to go somewhere is
> clothes on so we can leave..
ridiculous. Rather than setting your goal as getting him to
understand why *you* think it's necessary and, therefore, he should
too, try to see it from his point of view. How could your husband get
you to bake a cake from scratch before you can go on vacation? How
could he get you to understand how "necessary" and "important" it is?
Would getting angry at you help? Would leaving it up to you help?
Would angrily slamming around the kitchen doing it "for you" help you
understand? Would it make you want to bake a cake before you went on
vacation next time? Would it make you ever want to bake a cake?
His reactions make perfect sense when you see the world through his
eyes. You can't make him see from an adult understanding. That comes
*naturally* as adulthood comes. We don't need to train it into them!
(But we can do things to make kids anxious to leave home so they
don't have to abide by ridiculous rules that make no sense.)
In the meantime you can see it as something that's important to you.
You can find ways (as others suggested) of making it less annoying
for him. My daughter slept in her t-shirts and sweat pants so she was
always ready to go :-)
> and finding that I repeat a million timesWhich is an answer to your question of whether he's too young. You
shouldn't be asking us! ;-) He's already answering your question for
you.
Probably the most important "lesson" of respectful parenting is
learning to *listen* to our kids. To hear what they're trying to say
to us rather than tuning in just enough to check if they're actions
and words indicate they've understood and agree with what we're
trying to get them to do.
> but getting ready before we are too late isRaising kids *is* rough. It's less rough if we see that what we do
> rough!!
for them is our gift to them. A gift that we want to give them and
provide for them because we love them, not because we want or expect
it to be appreciated.
If we want to create a gourmet meal from scratch that will take 2
hours to prepare we should not plunk it down and expect them to
appreciate the 2 hours of work that went into it. It should be a gift
free of strings. It should be given because we *want* to do it,
because that's how we wanted to spend that 2 hours.
You're giving him the gift of out of the house activities. Part of
your preparation for the gift will be preparing him as gently as
possible. (We wouldn't want gift givers to make us jump through
tortorous hoops to get the gift they wanted us to appreciate!) Your
payback for your effort will be his enjoyment. Watch for it and revel
in it. :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
Give yourself plenty of time and give him plenty of help if there is
a valid time constraint (external appointments for doctor, dentist,
meeting Dad for lunch, whatever). Also, make sure YOU are rested,
fed, dressed, prepared to leave BEFORE even starting to dress, feed,
etc your 2 yr old. At the very least, do it together. I know that
for me, if it's a first thing in the morning thing, I need to
shower, eat and get myself together before I can interact with DS
(who is now 8) on a reasonable level. If I'm hungry, still bleary
eyed from just waking, etc. I can quickly get grumpy and lose
patience. So, I just plan in time to get myself stable before moving
on to DS (who sometimes still wants me to help him dress or undress,
so I do - that's something to note I suppose - just because a child
CAN do something doesn't mean we have to require them to always do
it, and this especially applies to the things "they" say kids
are "supposed to" do by themselves by x age). BTW DS still prefers
to sleep nekkid so we rarely have the out of clothing-into pjs-out
of pjs-into clothing situation - he just gets nekkid, sleeps, then
gets dressed when/if he chooses in the morning (as mornings get
cooler it's more likely, the gameroom in the basement gets chilly -
though sometimes he just curls under a blanket with just his arms
out to hold the controller).
Playing games can help too - I remember vividly one time when he was
about 3 and I was pajama-ing him for bed (it was the dead of winter
here in New England) and I played "fish" with him - he crawled
around on the floor and I dangled a bit of yarn down from the couch
I was on. He "bit"(grabbed with his hands) on the yarn and I'd "reel
him in". Sometimes he'd get away. Then one time I really "caught"
him and scooped him onto the "boat" (couch). Then I started peeling
off his day clothing and talking about "cleaning the scales off the
fish" and a little belly tickling for "cleaning the inside of the
fish". Then I "dipped him in breading" (putting the pjs on) and
scooped him up and "into the pan" (his bed). Then a bit of belly
tickling again as I pretended to "eat" this tasty "fish". All
through it was relaxed, casual, lots of giggling and being silly.
Relaxed is really important for us - if we start to rush, DS feels
the tension and reacts to it.
"do this or we can't do that" but then you end up dressing him and
going anyhow - lots of energy involved (negative energy). Why not
just say "Let's go to the park. Here are your clothes, let me help
you get dressed" and go ahead and do it and go - no repetitions,
warnings, threats, stresses. Maybe even talk about what he wants to
do when you get there -AS you are dressing him.
And keep the days simple as much as possible. We found that any more
than about 2 or 3 "doings" in a day was too much for DS. A 'doing'
might be 2 or 3 hours at park or a 10 minute drive to the ATM and
back to, so it wasn't so much how long it was but rather just
the "doing", going, scheduling of it that got to be too much. At 2,
kids really don't need a "full" schedule - they mostly need lots of
parent-time with free time to explore - and it need not be
anything 'big' to explore - a stepstool, a sink, a cheap battery
powered toothbrush and a paper cup can be hours of play (BTDT).
Nexst time you are about to say "Do this or we can't do that", stop
a minute and see if that is actually true. There are not a lot of
things that have that exact either/or situation. For things that do,
then it's not a 'threat' it's a statement of fact - for instance, DS
learned early on that if he wanted to go INTO the mini-mart, the
grocery store, a restaurant, he was required to wear shoes (they
even have signs on the doors to that effect). No shoes, no going in.
But, there were alternatives too - go through a fast food drive
thru, order a pizza to the house, stay home with Daddy while I went
to the grocery store (or vice versa), etc. Even at toddler age, you
can brainstorm ideas. As someone said already, too many choices -at
once- can be overwhelming BUT if you work it through one step at a
time it can be doable "Let's go to the market and get
marshmallows ... gotta have shoes for that ... don't want sneakers?
ok ... hmm what about these sandals or these water shoes? would that
be more comfortable? ... none of that huh? so what can we do? the
market requires shoes when we go in (possible additional comments
might include "those floors are pretty grubby, I wouldn't want to
get that on my toes" or whatever in line with the market's policy on
shoes). So, we want marshmallows but you don't want shoes ... how
about you stay here with Daddy and I'll go get some really fast? (or
vice versa or if one parent is already out of the house and has a
cell phone a quick call can handle it - "Hey DH, can you stop and
get some marshmallows on the way home? Thanks")
Okay long and rambling...sorry.
--Deb
a valid time constraint (external appointments for doctor, dentist,
meeting Dad for lunch, whatever). Also, make sure YOU are rested,
fed, dressed, prepared to leave BEFORE even starting to dress, feed,
etc your 2 yr old. At the very least, do it together. I know that
for me, if it's a first thing in the morning thing, I need to
shower, eat and get myself together before I can interact with DS
(who is now 8) on a reasonable level. If I'm hungry, still bleary
eyed from just waking, etc. I can quickly get grumpy and lose
patience. So, I just plan in time to get myself stable before moving
on to DS (who sometimes still wants me to help him dress or undress,
so I do - that's something to note I suppose - just because a child
CAN do something doesn't mean we have to require them to always do
it, and this especially applies to the things "they" say kids
are "supposed to" do by themselves by x age). BTW DS still prefers
to sleep nekkid so we rarely have the out of clothing-into pjs-out
of pjs-into clothing situation - he just gets nekkid, sleeps, then
gets dressed when/if he chooses in the morning (as mornings get
cooler it's more likely, the gameroom in the basement gets chilly -
though sometimes he just curls under a blanket with just his arms
out to hold the controller).
Playing games can help too - I remember vividly one time when he was
about 3 and I was pajama-ing him for bed (it was the dead of winter
here in New England) and I played "fish" with him - he crawled
around on the floor and I dangled a bit of yarn down from the couch
I was on. He "bit"(grabbed with his hands) on the yarn and I'd "reel
him in". Sometimes he'd get away. Then one time I really "caught"
him and scooped him onto the "boat" (couch). Then I started peeling
off his day clothing and talking about "cleaning the scales off the
fish" and a little belly tickling for "cleaning the inside of the
fish". Then I "dipped him in breading" (putting the pjs on) and
scooped him up and "into the pan" (his bed). Then a bit of belly
tickling again as I pretended to "eat" this tasty "fish". All
through it was relaxed, casual, lots of giggling and being silly.
Relaxed is really important for us - if we start to rush, DS feels
the tension and reacts to it.
"do this or we can't do that" but then you end up dressing him and
going anyhow - lots of energy involved (negative energy). Why not
just say "Let's go to the park. Here are your clothes, let me help
you get dressed" and go ahead and do it and go - no repetitions,
warnings, threats, stresses. Maybe even talk about what he wants to
do when you get there -AS you are dressing him.
And keep the days simple as much as possible. We found that any more
than about 2 or 3 "doings" in a day was too much for DS. A 'doing'
might be 2 or 3 hours at park or a 10 minute drive to the ATM and
back to, so it wasn't so much how long it was but rather just
the "doing", going, scheduling of it that got to be too much. At 2,
kids really don't need a "full" schedule - they mostly need lots of
parent-time with free time to explore - and it need not be
anything 'big' to explore - a stepstool, a sink, a cheap battery
powered toothbrush and a paper cup can be hours of play (BTDT).
Nexst time you are about to say "Do this or we can't do that", stop
a minute and see if that is actually true. There are not a lot of
things that have that exact either/or situation. For things that do,
then it's not a 'threat' it's a statement of fact - for instance, DS
learned early on that if he wanted to go INTO the mini-mart, the
grocery store, a restaurant, he was required to wear shoes (they
even have signs on the doors to that effect). No shoes, no going in.
But, there were alternatives too - go through a fast food drive
thru, order a pizza to the house, stay home with Daddy while I went
to the grocery store (or vice versa), etc. Even at toddler age, you
can brainstorm ideas. As someone said already, too many choices -at
once- can be overwhelming BUT if you work it through one step at a
time it can be doable "Let's go to the market and get
marshmallows ... gotta have shoes for that ... don't want sneakers?
ok ... hmm what about these sandals or these water shoes? would that
be more comfortable? ... none of that huh? so what can we do? the
market requires shoes when we go in (possible additional comments
might include "those floors are pretty grubby, I wouldn't want to
get that on my toes" or whatever in line with the market's policy on
shoes). So, we want marshmallows but you don't want shoes ... how
about you stay here with Daddy and I'll go get some really fast? (or
vice versa or if one parent is already out of the house and has a
cell phone a quick call can handle it - "Hey DH, can you stop and
get some marshmallows on the way home? Thanks")
Okay long and rambling...sorry.
--Deb
taliasafa
I am struggling with the usual 2 yr old struggles and finding
of or to keep on. He used to cry horribly when we would put things
over his head and I would often avoid it with button-down shirts. Now
he still says "no" oftentimes if I ask him if he wants to put
something on. I usually don't ask him and most of the time I say, "Can
I ask you a question? (to get his attention) What color is my shirt?"
or "What did we do today?" or some other question to get him thinking
about something other than the shirt going over his head or pants
going on. He still likes to take his pants and underwear off
completely when he uses the bathroom and flick them away with his foot
or hand. Then I leave him alone for a while and he may or may not let
me put them back on. If I have some good reason to put things on he
will also consent, like, "So and so is coming to the door. They don't
like it when you don't have underwear on or they don't want to see
your penis." He is so excited when people come over that he will do
just about anything if I can get him to stand still. I also might my
son, they where you are going they will expect such and such clothing
or something. Or I talk about what picture is on his shirt and how
neat it is as I am putting it on him. He loves small balls, so
sometimes just putting a marble or small ball in his hand will
interest him enough to not think about me dressing him.
I have also done the "dress when we get there or "dress in whatever
else we need to get on when we get there in the car" thing. I usually
give him a bath at night (but sometimes not, if I know he will fuss
because he is too tired--bath time is a whole other set of avoid the
struggle games) and often dress him in comfortable street clothes. The
temperature in our house can change drastically from the day to the
night (it is still under construction), so that hasn't been so common
recently. His pajamas will come off in the morning easily because he
will need to use the bathroom and because he knows he feels hot. He
will then walk around half dressed for a while. He has not yet been
able to put on his own clothes and he isn't really interested or he
finds it frustrating enough not to want to work on it.
I will close with sharing one of the playful things I do with him to
get him to stop being "no, no, no" about doing something in the
moment. Sometimes I will ask him something like, "Do you want to put
on these pant or should I" and I proceed to attempt to put the pants
myself and he will say, "No, I want to put them on." Depending on how
he feels he could be laughing or be a bit pouty about it until he
lightens up. And I might play with him a little more and say, "Oh, are
you sure? I think they will look really nice on me" until he is
demanding to have them put in HIM. Or maybe I will say, "Do these
pants go on your head or do they go on your legs" and I put them on
his head and he says, "They go on my legs". I just basically make him
forget about his struggle that keeps us from doing something and he
gets in a better mood. I might do this with food and ask if it should
go in his ear or mouth or accidentally miss his mouth a few times. I
play the "boob" and he feels good about knowing the way things should
be because I am so silly and don't have a clue.
Or naps...never wants to but once we go to hhis room and read
needing one and exhausted. I just can't make him go to sleep so, we
either have a few attempts at trying to sleep or he sleeps. My son
will sometimes calm down even in the middle of the night when he is
upset, if he has a marble put in his hand. Maybe you have some small
interesting (but doesn't require a long term engagement) thing and put
it in his hand as you pick him up, hoping it will tear him away from
whatever else he was doing, and talk about it as you walk into the
bedroom. Then once you are there you interest him in a favorite book.
Hope this helps!
_talia
> myself in the "do this or we cant do this" for example... put yourMy son (2.75 years old) has always been hard to get clothes on and off
> clothes on so we can leave..and finding that I repeat a million times
> and become impatien using the "fine well stay home"but of course we go
> with me finally getting him dressed etc...How do you work with those
> basic topics daily
of or to keep on. He used to cry horribly when we would put things
over his head and I would often avoid it with button-down shirts. Now
he still says "no" oftentimes if I ask him if he wants to put
something on. I usually don't ask him and most of the time I say, "Can
I ask you a question? (to get his attention) What color is my shirt?"
or "What did we do today?" or some other question to get him thinking
about something other than the shirt going over his head or pants
going on. He still likes to take his pants and underwear off
completely when he uses the bathroom and flick them away with his foot
or hand. Then I leave him alone for a while and he may or may not let
me put them back on. If I have some good reason to put things on he
will also consent, like, "So and so is coming to the door. They don't
like it when you don't have underwear on or they don't want to see
your penis." He is so excited when people come over that he will do
just about anything if I can get him to stand still. I also might my
son, they where you are going they will expect such and such clothing
or something. Or I talk about what picture is on his shirt and how
neat it is as I am putting it on him. He loves small balls, so
sometimes just putting a marble or small ball in his hand will
interest him enough to not think about me dressing him.
I have also done the "dress when we get there or "dress in whatever
else we need to get on when we get there in the car" thing. I usually
give him a bath at night (but sometimes not, if I know he will fuss
because he is too tired--bath time is a whole other set of avoid the
struggle games) and often dress him in comfortable street clothes. The
temperature in our house can change drastically from the day to the
night (it is still under construction), so that hasn't been so common
recently. His pajamas will come off in the morning easily because he
will need to use the bathroom and because he knows he feels hot. He
will then walk around half dressed for a while. He has not yet been
able to put on his own clothes and he isn't really interested or he
finds it frustrating enough not to want to work on it.
I will close with sharing one of the playful things I do with him to
get him to stop being "no, no, no" about doing something in the
moment. Sometimes I will ask him something like, "Do you want to put
on these pant or should I" and I proceed to attempt to put the pants
myself and he will say, "No, I want to put them on." Depending on how
he feels he could be laughing or be a bit pouty about it until he
lightens up. And I might play with him a little more and say, "Oh, are
you sure? I think they will look really nice on me" until he is
demanding to have them put in HIM. Or maybe I will say, "Do these
pants go on your head or do they go on your legs" and I put them on
his head and he says, "They go on my legs". I just basically make him
forget about his struggle that keeps us from doing something and he
gets in a better mood. I might do this with food and ask if it should
go in his ear or mouth or accidentally miss his mouth a few times. I
play the "boob" and he feels good about knowing the way things should
be because I am so silly and don't have a clue.
Or naps...never wants to but once we go to hhis room and read
> and I say goodnight he sleeps...thanks for the ideas! NatalieWe have had not much success with naps even when he is obviously
>
needing one and exhausted. I just can't make him go to sleep so, we
either have a few attempts at trying to sleep or he sleeps. My son
will sometimes calm down even in the middle of the night when he is
upset, if he has a marble put in his hand. Maybe you have some small
interesting (but doesn't require a long term engagement) thing and put
it in his hand as you pick him up, hoping it will tear him away from
whatever else he was doing, and talk about it as you walk into the
bedroom. Then once you are there you interest him in a favorite book.
Hope this helps!
_talia