Non-Violent Communication and Children
[email protected]
Hi all,
I've been lurking for a couple of days, long enough to get *a lot* of mail ;-), and I just wanted to post with a few things.
First, thanks for being here. You are all a very thoughtful and articulate group of people, and it is wonderful to hear how much energy and creativity you put into parenting.
There was a discussion thread about "demands" disguised as "requests" and it is something that I've been struggling with. I found your reminders to "really let kids say no" to be very helpful. I'd like to add that I've found that phrasing things using non-violent communication also goes a long way toward owning my own feelings instead of making authoritarian statements and it also helps my kids (and husband) understand clearly the impact their actions have on me. In short, NVC is objectively stating what you see, telling the other person how it makes you feel using I statements, telling them why you feel that way, and then telling them what you need. An example with Bethan (3.25).
Old way:
Me: I'd like you to pick up your toys. I'm happy to help you.
Bethan: I don't want to.
Me: Picks up toys with or without help, but feels resentful.
With NVC.
Me: When I see your toys on the floor, I worry that someone might trip on them and get hurt, and your toys might get broken. I'm going to pick them up to keep everyone safe. Would you like to help me?
Bethan: "I would be sad if someone got hurt, and I like my toys so I don't want them to get broken." (Helps pick up). Or.."I think people should watch out where they're walking so they don't break my toys or get hurt." (Doesn't help and I pick up).
The difference here is how *I* feel about the process, I have a need for order, I'm the one who's worried about the toys, so I am going to do something about it. Also, Bethan responds to "I'm doing this because it helps mommy feel better." Rather than "I'm doing this because it's the "rule" or the "right thing to do" is to keep clean.
Does that make sense at all? Anyway, maybe not the best example of NVC, but I think it's a wonderful communication tool.
Jen
--
"Out there things can happen and
frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as
you."
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've been lurking for a couple of days, long enough to get *a lot* of mail ;-), and I just wanted to post with a few things.
First, thanks for being here. You are all a very thoughtful and articulate group of people, and it is wonderful to hear how much energy and creativity you put into parenting.
There was a discussion thread about "demands" disguised as "requests" and it is something that I've been struggling with. I found your reminders to "really let kids say no" to be very helpful. I'd like to add that I've found that phrasing things using non-violent communication also goes a long way toward owning my own feelings instead of making authoritarian statements and it also helps my kids (and husband) understand clearly the impact their actions have on me. In short, NVC is objectively stating what you see, telling the other person how it makes you feel using I statements, telling them why you feel that way, and then telling them what you need. An example with Bethan (3.25).
Old way:
Me: I'd like you to pick up your toys. I'm happy to help you.
Bethan: I don't want to.
Me: Picks up toys with or without help, but feels resentful.
With NVC.
Me: When I see your toys on the floor, I worry that someone might trip on them and get hurt, and your toys might get broken. I'm going to pick them up to keep everyone safe. Would you like to help me?
Bethan: "I would be sad if someone got hurt, and I like my toys so I don't want them to get broken." (Helps pick up). Or.."I think people should watch out where they're walking so they don't break my toys or get hurt." (Doesn't help and I pick up).
The difference here is how *I* feel about the process, I have a need for order, I'm the one who's worried about the toys, so I am going to do something about it. Also, Bethan responds to "I'm doing this because it helps mommy feel better." Rather than "I'm doing this because it's the "rule" or the "right thing to do" is to keep clean.
Does that make sense at all? Anyway, maybe not the best example of NVC, but I think it's a wonderful communication tool.
Jen
--
"Out there things can happen and
frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as
you."
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/10/2004 6:11:01 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
jwileycordone@... writes:
The difference here is how *I* feel about the process, I have a need for
order, I'm the one who's worried about the toys, so I am going to do something
about it. <<<<<
Good view!
Also, Bethan responds to "I'm doing this because it helps mommy feel
better." Rather than "I'm doing this because it's the "rule" or the "right thing to
do" is to keep clean.<<<
I think it's a bad idea to have her do something because it makes mommy feel
better. She's not responsible for your feelings.
Maybe "Mommy does it to make herself feel better! I think I'll help because
it makes me feel good too." <g>
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jwileycordone@... writes:
The difference here is how *I* feel about the process, I have a need for
order, I'm the one who's worried about the toys, so I am going to do something
about it. <<<<<
Good view!
Also, Bethan responds to "I'm doing this because it helps mommy feel
better." Rather than "I'm doing this because it's the "rule" or the "right thing to
do" is to keep clean.<<<
I think it's a bad idea to have her do something because it makes mommy feel
better. She's not responsible for your feelings.
Maybe "Mommy does it to make herself feel better! I think I'll help because
it makes me feel good too." <g>
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese
<<<<Also, Bethan responds to "I'm doing this because it helps mommy feel
better." Rather than "I'm doing this because it's the "rule" or the "right
thing to
do" is to keep clean.<<<
I think it's a bad idea to have her do something because it makes mommy
feel
better. She's not responsible for your feelings.
Maybe "Mommy does it to make herself feel better! I think I'll help because
it makes me feel good too." <g>
~Kelly>>>>
I wanted to chime in here because I have been using some NVC techniques
myself and I know Jen (Hi, Jen!) ... I completely agree with what Kelly is
saying about the danger of having our children feel responsible for our
feelings. I would never want my kids to feel like they are doing something
because they are "making" mommy feel bad by not doing it or "making" me
happy by doing it. I do want to say that my perception of NVC, and the way
I use it, has nothing to do with responsibility for the feelings of others.
NVC works off the belief that all of us, children and adults, act in
accordance with our needs and the needs of others. So when I use NVC with
my children, for me, it's about setting aside "It's time to clean up now"
and telling them about whatever my need is about cleaning up. That gives my
child a choice to respond to my expressed need. It also opens up the lines
of communication so that they can express their needs and we can see if we
can get all of our needs met together in some way. If they say no, it's not
that they've made me feel bad and it's okay for them to say no.
So, to turn the situation around and look at my child's request to me...if
my child for instance comes to me late at night to ask me to play a long
barbie game for the zillionth time that day and I'm really tired, I may say
"Gosh, I'm really tired. Let's play it tomorrow." My child may be okay
with that, or they may say "No, mom. I really need to play it again.
Please..." etcetera. I as a person have a choice to hear their need and put
aside my tiredness to meet that need because I love my child and it's
important to me to try to meet her needs. That's healthy in my opinion.
IF, however, I feel somehow responsible for my child's happiness...ie I'm
thinking that my child's unhappiness at my saying after hearing her out "no,
I AM really too tired" is my responsibility...and that conversely I'm
responsible for her happiness if I do it, then I'm in trouble. Then I am in
the position of feeling that her feelings are "forcing" me to do things.
This is not "choice".
So I see the same thing to be true conversely for my kids. They should not
feel they are responsible for how I feel, but I can express my needs, have a
conversation, and give them a choice to try to meet those needs if I can
express them at an age appropriate level and without loaded stuff like
anger.
Hope that makes sense!
Joan
better." Rather than "I'm doing this because it's the "rule" or the "right
thing to
do" is to keep clean.<<<
I think it's a bad idea to have her do something because it makes mommy
feel
better. She's not responsible for your feelings.
Maybe "Mommy does it to make herself feel better! I think I'll help because
it makes me feel good too." <g>
~Kelly>>>>
I wanted to chime in here because I have been using some NVC techniques
myself and I know Jen (Hi, Jen!) ... I completely agree with what Kelly is
saying about the danger of having our children feel responsible for our
feelings. I would never want my kids to feel like they are doing something
because they are "making" mommy feel bad by not doing it or "making" me
happy by doing it. I do want to say that my perception of NVC, and the way
I use it, has nothing to do with responsibility for the feelings of others.
NVC works off the belief that all of us, children and adults, act in
accordance with our needs and the needs of others. So when I use NVC with
my children, for me, it's about setting aside "It's time to clean up now"
and telling them about whatever my need is about cleaning up. That gives my
child a choice to respond to my expressed need. It also opens up the lines
of communication so that they can express their needs and we can see if we
can get all of our needs met together in some way. If they say no, it's not
that they've made me feel bad and it's okay for them to say no.
So, to turn the situation around and look at my child's request to me...if
my child for instance comes to me late at night to ask me to play a long
barbie game for the zillionth time that day and I'm really tired, I may say
"Gosh, I'm really tired. Let's play it tomorrow." My child may be okay
with that, or they may say "No, mom. I really need to play it again.
Please..." etcetera. I as a person have a choice to hear their need and put
aside my tiredness to meet that need because I love my child and it's
important to me to try to meet her needs. That's healthy in my opinion.
IF, however, I feel somehow responsible for my child's happiness...ie I'm
thinking that my child's unhappiness at my saying after hearing her out "no,
I AM really too tired" is my responsibility...and that conversely I'm
responsible for her happiness if I do it, then I'm in trouble. Then I am in
the position of feeling that her feelings are "forcing" me to do things.
This is not "choice".
So I see the same thing to be true conversely for my kids. They should not
feel they are responsible for how I feel, but I can express my needs, have a
conversation, and give them a choice to try to meet those needs if I can
express them at an age appropriate level and without loaded stuff like
anger.
Hope that makes sense!
Joan
[email protected]
Hi all,
I knew when I wrote "making mommy feel better" it didn't capture what I meant, but I was tired and lazy and assumed my short hand would be understood. Thanks for the opportunity to hone my communication skills ;-)
What I *meant* was more along the lines of communicating the overall notion: "in our family, we enjoy contributing to each other's well-being and quality of life." So I say things while I'm gardening like "It makes me feel good to grow veggies for us that are healthy for your body and give you the energy you need to run and play."
I also want to say that although no one is responsible for another's feelings, our statements and behaviors have an impact on how people feel. Obviously we think so, otherwise this list wouldn't spend so much time talking about how adults can impact children! NVC allows me to tell my daughter about the impact of her behavior without it turning into a guilt trip.
"When you use such a big voice to say 'GO AWAY' when I come downstairs, I feel like I'm not a fun person to be around. I can see how much fun you're having with grandma, and I just came down to let you know that I'm going out to water the garden. You can join me if you want to. Instead of saying "GO AWAY", could you say 'Mommy, I'm in the middle of a project!, instead?"
This both helps me hear "GO AWAY" for what it really is, and helps my daughter understand how to reframe her needs in a way that is easier for me (and others) to hear and respond to what she needs.
Jen
--
"Out there things can happen and
frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as
you."
-------------- Original message --------------
I knew when I wrote "making mommy feel better" it didn't capture what I meant, but I was tired and lazy and assumed my short hand would be understood. Thanks for the opportunity to hone my communication skills ;-)
What I *meant* was more along the lines of communicating the overall notion: "in our family, we enjoy contributing to each other's well-being and quality of life." So I say things while I'm gardening like "It makes me feel good to grow veggies for us that are healthy for your body and give you the energy you need to run and play."
I also want to say that although no one is responsible for another's feelings, our statements and behaviors have an impact on how people feel. Obviously we think so, otherwise this list wouldn't spend so much time talking about how adults can impact children! NVC allows me to tell my daughter about the impact of her behavior without it turning into a guilt trip.
"When you use such a big voice to say 'GO AWAY' when I come downstairs, I feel like I'm not a fun person to be around. I can see how much fun you're having with grandma, and I just came down to let you know that I'm going out to water the garden. You can join me if you want to. Instead of saying "GO AWAY", could you say 'Mommy, I'm in the middle of a project!, instead?"
This both helps me hear "GO AWAY" for what it really is, and helps my daughter understand how to reframe her needs in a way that is easier for me (and others) to hear and respond to what she needs.
Jen
--
"Out there things can happen and
frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as
you."
-------------- Original message --------------
> <<<>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I think it's a bad idea to have her do something because it makes mommy
> feel
> better. She's not responsible for your feelings.
>
> Maybe "Mommy does it to make herself feel better! I think I'll help because
> it makes me feel good too."
>
>
> ~Kelly>>>>
>
>
> I wanted to chime in here because I have been using some NVC techniques
> myself and I know Jen (Hi, Jen!) ... I completely agree with what Kelly is
> saying about the danger of having our children feel responsible for our
> feelings. I would never want my kids to feel like they are doing something
> because they are "making" mommy feel bad by not doing it or "making" me
> happy by doing it. I do want to say that my perception of NVC, and the way
> I use it, has nothing to do with responsibility for the feelings of others.
> NVC works off the belief that all of us, children and adults, act in
> accordance with our needs and the needs of others. So when I use NVC with
> my children, for me, it's about setting aside "It's time to clean up now"
> and telling them about whatever my need is about cleaning up. That gives my
> child a choice to respond to my expressed need. It also opens up the lines
> of communication so that they can express their needs and we can see if we
> can get all of our needs met together in some way. If they say no, it's not
> that they've made me feel bad and it's okay for them to say no.
>
> So, to turn the situation around and look at my child's request to me...if
> my child for instance comes to me late at night to ask me to play a long
> barbie game for the zillionth time that day and I'm really tired, I may say
> "Gosh, I'm really tired. Let's play it tomorrow." My child may be okay
> with that, or they may say "No, mom. I really need to play it again.
> Please..." etcetera. I as a person have a choice to hear their need and put
> aside my tiredness to meet that need because I love my child and it's
> important to me to try to meet her needs. That's healthy in my opinion.
> IF, however, I feel somehow responsible for my child's happiness...ie I'm
> thinking that my child's unhappiness at my saying after hearing her out "no,
> I AM really too tired" is my responsibility...and that conversely I'm
> responsible for her happiness if I do it, then I'm in trouble. Then I am in
> the position of feeling that her feelings are "forcing" me to do things.
> This is not "choice".
>
> So I see the same thing to be true conversely for my kids. They should not
> feel they are responsible for how I feel, but I can express my needs, have a
> conversation, and give them a choice to try to meet those needs if I can
> express them at an age appropriate level and without loaded stuff like
> anger.
>
> Hope that makes sense!
>
> Joan
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese
<<<<NVC allows me to tell my daughter about the impact of her behavior
without it turning into a guilt trip.
"When you use such a big voice to say 'GO AWAY' when I come downstairs, I
feel like I'm not a fun person to be around. I can see how much fun you're
having with grandma, and I just came down to let you know that I'm going out
to water the garden. You can join me if you want to. Instead of saying "GO
AWAY", could you say 'Mommy, I'm in the middle of a project!, instead?"
This both helps me hear "GO AWAY" for what it really is, and helps my
daughter understand how to reframe her needs in a way that is easier for me
(and others) to hear and respond to what she needs.
Jen>>>>>>>
This makes a lot of sense to me and I love the example. Thanks for
clarifying..
Joan
without it turning into a guilt trip.
"When you use such a big voice to say 'GO AWAY' when I come downstairs, I
feel like I'm not a fun person to be around. I can see how much fun you're
having with grandma, and I just came down to let you know that I'm going out
to water the garden. You can join me if you want to. Instead of saying "GO
AWAY", could you say 'Mommy, I'm in the middle of a project!, instead?"
This both helps me hear "GO AWAY" for what it really is, and helps my
daughter understand how to reframe her needs in a way that is easier for me
(and others) to hear and respond to what she needs.
Jen>>>>>>>
This makes a lot of sense to me and I love the example. Thanks for
clarifying..
Joan
Valerie
> I think it's a bad idea to have her do something because it makesmommy feel better. She's not responsible for your feelings.
>> ~Kelly***** OTOH <g> Yesterday was a long and winding day with lots of
stress and hard physical work. I left the kitchen uncleaned (gasp)
and went to bed. I commented as I headed for the bedroom that I
hated leaving it like that but that I knew we were all too tired to
deal with it and that morning would dawn with new energy.
Well, I woke to a shiny spotless kitchen. Laurie and John woke up
before me and took care of it, even emptying the compost bucket.
This mommy certainly felt better!
I just love how you described how 'our' families work together,
Kelly. I modeled and the kids obviously learned from that. They
didn't want me to wake up and face a yucky kitchen. :-)
love, Valerie
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/12/2004 12:26:58 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
valerie@... writes:
I think it's a bad idea to have her do something because it makes
mommy feel better. She's not responsible for your feelings.
before me and took care of it, even emptying the compost bucket.
This mommy certainly felt better!
I just love how you described how 'our' families work together,
Kelly. I modeled and the kids obviously learned from that. They
didn't want me to wake up and face a yucky kitchen. :-)<<<<<
AHHH BUT!
She was doing something FOR you. It happened to make you feel good. The same
action could've made another mother angry if it weren't done "right" or if
it hadn't been done right away or if a favorite dish had been broken or if
.....
The action made you smile, and that's wonderful. But she shouldn't feel that
she *has* to do that to *make* you happy---and I'm guessing that she
doesn't. That's healthy. If she knew that, if she *didn't* do it, you'd be angry,
then she'd be doing it for the wrong reason.
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
valerie@... writes:
I think it's a bad idea to have her do something because it makes
mommy feel better. She's not responsible for your feelings.
>> ~KellyWell, I woke to a shiny spotless kitchen. Laurie and John woke up
before me and took care of it, even emptying the compost bucket.
This mommy certainly felt better!
I just love how you described how 'our' families work together,
Kelly. I modeled and the kids obviously learned from that. They
didn't want me to wake up and face a yucky kitchen. :-)<<<<<
AHHH BUT!
She was doing something FOR you. It happened to make you feel good. The same
action could've made another mother angry if it weren't done "right" or if
it hadn't been done right away or if a favorite dish had been broken or if
.....
The action made you smile, and that's wonderful. But she shouldn't feel that
she *has* to do that to *make* you happy---and I'm guessing that she
doesn't. That's healthy. If she knew that, if she *didn't* do it, you'd be angry,
then she'd be doing it for the wrong reason.
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese
So I've been trying to think of an easier way to describe how it is that I
can feel responsible for my actions, for their impact on others, but not for
creating the specific feelings...for anyone else out there still mulling
this over. Here's what I've come up with...
Let's say that I jump out from behind a door and yell "Boo!" at two
children. One is scared and cries. The other one yells "Boo" back, laughs
and thinks it's a great game. Obviously I did one action and got two
responses. I did not pick the feelings or reactions of each child. They
reacted as they did due to who they were and their perception of what I did.
Does that mean that the reaction of the child who cried is "her problem"?
Does that mean that I do not feel responsible for the impact of my yelling
"boo" on the child who cried? Absolutely not!! I would consider myself
responsible for choosing the action, I would feel responsible for it's
impact and so I'd feel responsible to comfort the child and talk to them
about their feelings and needs. But there is no direct causal relationship
to the feelings. We do not control one anothers feelings like that.
In case this is an issue for you, Kimmy, with the strong reaction you've had
to these threads, I see this is true of my own upbringing too. I was raised
in an emotionally abusive environment. The things my parents chose to do
had a tremendously negative impact on me. Are my parents responsible for
that? Hell yes. They are responsible for choosing their actions. They are
responsible for the impact those actions had (that's not to say they have
taken any responsibility, but it is to say that I feel they are responsible
for that). They did not however choose my feelings in response to what they
did. Those came from how I perceived what they did and from my own
personality. If you asked my siblings, I'm sure they'd express different
emotions and perceptions from the same experiences.
Joan
can feel responsible for my actions, for their impact on others, but not for
creating the specific feelings...for anyone else out there still mulling
this over. Here's what I've come up with...
Let's say that I jump out from behind a door and yell "Boo!" at two
children. One is scared and cries. The other one yells "Boo" back, laughs
and thinks it's a great game. Obviously I did one action and got two
responses. I did not pick the feelings or reactions of each child. They
reacted as they did due to who they were and their perception of what I did.
Does that mean that the reaction of the child who cried is "her problem"?
Does that mean that I do not feel responsible for the impact of my yelling
"boo" on the child who cried? Absolutely not!! I would consider myself
responsible for choosing the action, I would feel responsible for it's
impact and so I'd feel responsible to comfort the child and talk to them
about their feelings and needs. But there is no direct causal relationship
to the feelings. We do not control one anothers feelings like that.
In case this is an issue for you, Kimmy, with the strong reaction you've had
to these threads, I see this is true of my own upbringing too. I was raised
in an emotionally abusive environment. The things my parents chose to do
had a tremendously negative impact on me. Are my parents responsible for
that? Hell yes. They are responsible for choosing their actions. They are
responsible for the impact those actions had (that's not to say they have
taken any responsibility, but it is to say that I feel they are responsible
for that). They did not however choose my feelings in response to what they
did. Those came from how I perceived what they did and from my own
personality. If you asked my siblings, I'm sure they'd express different
emotions and perceptions from the same experiences.
Joan
Valerie
***** I'm trying to imagine Laurie feeling like she HAS to do
anything to MAKE me happy. Nope, can't do it. :-)
It never dawned on me that they would clean the kitchen before I
woke up. I'm usually the first one up. They regularly clean the
kitchen (and other rooms) but this morning was a smile maker because
I went in there expecting a mess.
I also can't imagine getting angry if it hadn't been done at all or
if it hadn't been done to my specifications. I agree with you 100%.
love, Valerie
www.ubpub.com
anything to MAKE me happy. Nope, can't do it. :-)
It never dawned on me that they would clean the kitchen before I
woke up. I'm usually the first one up. They regularly clean the
kitchen (and other rooms) but this morning was a smile maker because
I went in there expecting a mess.
I also can't imagine getting angry if it hadn't been done at all or
if it hadn't been done to my specifications. I agree with you 100%.
love, Valerie
www.ubpub.com
> AHHH BUT!good. The same
>
> She was doing something FOR you. It happened to make you feel
> action could've made another mother angry if it weren'tdone "right" or if
> it hadn't been done right away or if a favorite dish had beenbroken or if
> .....feel that
>
>
> The action made you smile, and that's wonderful. But she shouldn't
> she *has* to do that to *make* you happy---and I'm guessing thatshe
> doesn't. That's healthy. If she knew that, if she *didn't* do it,you'd be angry,
> then she'd be doing it for the wrong reason.
>
> ~Kelly
>
>
>
Kimberly
Joan,
Thank you for trying to explain that to me. I feel very conflicted
at this time as I am trying really hard to do what is best for my
little one and for my family as a whole. No family suppoer askide
from Hubby and he is just as new at this and so things come up daily
that we have to step back and question. And no local support as it
seems everyone in this area are strict homeschoolers what want you
to go to their church to be part of their groups. LOL Even the
churches have "clicks" it seems, you can not go to one church and
meet up with a group from another! I find it all silly and so I am
staying away, when I first brought up unschooling, you should have
seen the looks I got and then the lectures and questions. I deared
not tell them my faith! So then I come on here, trying to share as
much as I can so that others can help, and I feel it all turned
around on me. As if some people give all this respect to the kids
but not other adults. Feeling all out of sorts I lashed out and
found myself being extream! I am starting to wish like many others
that are not saying anything, that there was a basics, basics, group
where others do not expect us to know what we should be doing. LOL
-sigh- Chances are I am just trying to do what ever I can to make
sure I do not do to my child what my parents did to me. They did not
talk to the kids, just gave lists of work to be done and rules on
top of rules and when they where not followed... "shiver" Still
scares of some of my family and I am an adult now.
It will get better though, I will keep trying to understand it
all, and I will not let people who upset me change my path. I want
my home to be peaceful and good for all of us. Thank you for trying.
Blessings,
Kimmy
Thank you for trying to explain that to me. I feel very conflicted
at this time as I am trying really hard to do what is best for my
little one and for my family as a whole. No family suppoer askide
from Hubby and he is just as new at this and so things come up daily
that we have to step back and question. And no local support as it
seems everyone in this area are strict homeschoolers what want you
to go to their church to be part of their groups. LOL Even the
churches have "clicks" it seems, you can not go to one church and
meet up with a group from another! I find it all silly and so I am
staying away, when I first brought up unschooling, you should have
seen the looks I got and then the lectures and questions. I deared
not tell them my faith! So then I come on here, trying to share as
much as I can so that others can help, and I feel it all turned
around on me. As if some people give all this respect to the kids
but not other adults. Feeling all out of sorts I lashed out and
found myself being extream! I am starting to wish like many others
that are not saying anything, that there was a basics, basics, group
where others do not expect us to know what we should be doing. LOL
-sigh- Chances are I am just trying to do what ever I can to make
sure I do not do to my child what my parents did to me. They did not
talk to the kids, just gave lists of work to be done and rules on
top of rules and when they where not followed... "shiver" Still
scares of some of my family and I am an adult now.
It will get better though, I will keep trying to understand it
all, and I will not let people who upset me change my path. I want
my home to be peaceful and good for all of us. Thank you for trying.
Blessings,
Kimmy
Kimberly
Joan,
Thank you for trying to explain that to me. I feel very conflicted
at this time as I am trying really hard to do what is best for my
little one and for my family as a whole. No family suppoer askide
from Hubby and he is just as new at this and so things come up daily
that we have to step back and question. And no local support as it
seems everyone in this area are strict homeschoolers what want you
to go to their church to be part of their groups. LOL Even the
churches have "clicks" it seems, you can not go to one church and
meet up with a group from another! I find it all silly and so I am
staying away, when I first brought up unschooling, you should have
seen the looks I got and then the lectures and questions. I deared
not tell them my faith! So then I come on here, trying to share as
much as I can so that others can help, and I feel it all turned
around on me. As if some people give all this respect to the kids
but not other adults. Feeling all out of sorts I lashed out and
found myself being extream! I am starting to wish like many others
that are not saying anything, that there was a basics, basics, group
where others do not expect us to know what we should be doing. LOL
-sigh- Chances are I am just trying to do what ever I can to make
sure I do not do to my child what my parents did to me. They did not
talk to the kids, just gave lists of work to be done and rules on
top of rules and when they where not followed... "shiver" Still
scares of some of my family and I am an adult now.
It will get better though, I will keep trying to understand it
all, and I will not let people who upset me change my path. I want
my home to be peaceful and good for all of us. Thank you for trying.
Blessings,
Kimmy
Thank you for trying to explain that to me. I feel very conflicted
at this time as I am trying really hard to do what is best for my
little one and for my family as a whole. No family suppoer askide
from Hubby and he is just as new at this and so things come up daily
that we have to step back and question. And no local support as it
seems everyone in this area are strict homeschoolers what want you
to go to their church to be part of their groups. LOL Even the
churches have "clicks" it seems, you can not go to one church and
meet up with a group from another! I find it all silly and so I am
staying away, when I first brought up unschooling, you should have
seen the looks I got and then the lectures and questions. I deared
not tell them my faith! So then I come on here, trying to share as
much as I can so that others can help, and I feel it all turned
around on me. As if some people give all this respect to the kids
but not other adults. Feeling all out of sorts I lashed out and
found myself being extream! I am starting to wish like many others
that are not saying anything, that there was a basics, basics, group
where others do not expect us to know what we should be doing. LOL
-sigh- Chances are I am just trying to do what ever I can to make
sure I do not do to my child what my parents did to me. They did not
talk to the kids, just gave lists of work to be done and rules on
top of rules and when they where not followed... "shiver" Still
scares of some of my family and I am an adult now.
It will get better though, I will keep trying to understand it
all, and I will not let people who upset me change my path. I want
my home to be peaceful and good for all of us. Thank you for trying.
Blessings,
Kimmy
Deb Lewis
***No family suppoer askide
from Hubby and he is just as new at this and so things come up daily
that we have to step back and question. And no local support as it
seems everyone in this area are strict homeschoolers what want you
to go to their church to be part of their groups.***
This is how it is for many, many unschoolers. This is how it is for me.
While my husband is supportive, he is constantly pressured, quizzed and
lectured by his family about unschooling and often needs *my* support to
withstand the garbage dump of their inner fears.
This is why there are unschooling lists where people can be engaged with
like minded individuals. This is why I don't wade through the thousands
of general homeschooling lists. If I want general homeschooling it out
my door and down two blocks and those kids won't be able to come outside
and play until after four.
***So then I come on here, trying to share as
much as I can so that others can help, and I feel it all turned
around on me.***
I don't know how you want people to sound if they disagree with you. But
Kimmy, if people disagree with you that doesn't mean anything. You still
have the freedom and power to live any life you want to with your kid.
It doesn't matter what your family says, what your community says, what
we say. You are not the victim of any mysterious mental control from
this list. You get to do whatever you want. You get to think and
believe whatever you want.
But this list *is* for talking about the very basics of the unschooling
philosophy and building a foundation in unschooling. That's what we'll
talk about here and you are free to use the parts you feel good about and
leave the parts you don't behind.
I've been out camping and hiking - on and off over the last few weeks and
I'm hundreds of e-mails behind. I've only been able to pop in when the
guest room/computer room is empty and grab what mail I can.
I'm sorry you're feeling out of sorts and I don't know any other way to
say this but you can chose to find good stuff here and use it and ignore
what you don't like, or you can chose to complain that not everything is
good. One of those choices will be better for you and your family and
this list and one won't.
Deb Lewis
from Hubby and he is just as new at this and so things come up daily
that we have to step back and question. And no local support as it
seems everyone in this area are strict homeschoolers what want you
to go to their church to be part of their groups.***
This is how it is for many, many unschoolers. This is how it is for me.
While my husband is supportive, he is constantly pressured, quizzed and
lectured by his family about unschooling and often needs *my* support to
withstand the garbage dump of their inner fears.
This is why there are unschooling lists where people can be engaged with
like minded individuals. This is why I don't wade through the thousands
of general homeschooling lists. If I want general homeschooling it out
my door and down two blocks and those kids won't be able to come outside
and play until after four.
***So then I come on here, trying to share as
much as I can so that others can help, and I feel it all turned
around on me.***
I don't know how you want people to sound if they disagree with you. But
Kimmy, if people disagree with you that doesn't mean anything. You still
have the freedom and power to live any life you want to with your kid.
It doesn't matter what your family says, what your community says, what
we say. You are not the victim of any mysterious mental control from
this list. You get to do whatever you want. You get to think and
believe whatever you want.
But this list *is* for talking about the very basics of the unschooling
philosophy and building a foundation in unschooling. That's what we'll
talk about here and you are free to use the parts you feel good about and
leave the parts you don't behind.
I've been out camping and hiking - on and off over the last few weeks and
I'm hundreds of e-mails behind. I've only been able to pop in when the
guest room/computer room is empty and grab what mail I can.
I'm sorry you're feeling out of sorts and I don't know any other way to
say this but you can chose to find good stuff here and use it and ignore
what you don't like, or you can chose to complain that not everything is
good. One of those choices will be better for you and your family and
this list and one won't.
Deb Lewis