Deb Lewis

About teens (or anyone) possibly coming into contact with someone scary
online:

Please keep in mind that it is easy to be influenced by the scary stories of
internet weirdo's you've heard - and the truth is those internet weirdoes
are weirdoes in real life somewhere, on some street in some neighborhood and
it could be yours.

If your daughter was in school and met a boy she liked and gave him her
phone number or let him walk her home from school would you be afraid?
He could be a blossoming serial rapist/killer/burglar. But walking home
from school is more what we're used to, more accepted and we've known it to
happen dozens or more times and it seems less frightening to us. What if
she met a boy at church? At camp? At dance class? What about the boy
who's lived across the street for three years.

Meeting people and beginning a relationship can have risks.

We don't hear too often about the lives of the kids who are victimized by
nuts they met online. But when you think about the reasons a kid might be
sneaky and hide a friendship or relationship one possibility is they cannot
trust their parents. On another list Marji wrote this: "when someone
lies to someone else, it's because the person doing the lying actually does
not trust the person being lied to." That's powerful information for
parents to have. Can your child trust you? Trust you to not go off on a
rant, trust you to not get angry, trust you to not punish, trust you to not
badger?

So does your child trust you? Is your child at risk of being groomed away
from you by a creep? Is she needy? Is she desperate for acceptance, love,
positive attention? These are some questions you can ask yourself. And
if the answer is yes then the danger from some icky grocery store clerk down
the block or some weirdo dance instructor is much more real than some guy on
online, possibly ten states away.

Try to keep it in perspective. There are some kids at higher risk than
others. Kids are hurt more often by people they know. Don't let fear of
internet stalkers overtake you. Perspective.

We can have relationships that allow our children to trust us. We can live
respectfully with them so that they are growing more confident everyday.
We can spend time with them, doing what they love so that we really know our
kids. We can reduce the risk of our kids looking for acceptance elsewhere.

***I told her about
my concerns, calling at such a late hour, after we've gone to bed,
it "appears" sneaky etc etc.***

I have called my friend on sleepless nights. I wasn't being sneaky and I
would have thought my husband an ass if he'd suggested I was. There is a
lovely quality to night time conversation in a quiet house. Teens
especially are wired for late nights. It's part of their chemical make up.
You don't trust her if you feel it's sneaky of her to be on the phone late
at night. The biggest danger to any kid is a shaky relationship with
parents.

***She's still worried I'll explode
because I "worry about this". I finally said that since she wants me
to trust her, then I ask that she trust me when I say that I'm working
really hard on changing that and to listen more (mutual respect). (I
haven't "exploded" in quite a while, but of course this is part of our
history, and part of our healing process).***

Yes, that's hard but it's worth the struggle to rebuild trust. You've
talked to her and she seems to understand your concerns.
Be careful that your concerns don't translate to her as control on your part
or you could lose ground.

Read the book "Parent / Teen Breakthrough The Relationship Approach by Mira
Kirshenbaum ISBN 0452266165

Deb Lewis