Sibling Conflict?
Tina
Well, I was awoken by a sirened vehicle racing down my street. A
rare occurance. With summer heat and windows open I am now awake in
thought. I sure wish this would have come to me earlier, but I need
to pose a question.
Today I was out with DS12, DS14 and DD16. We had a long day, and it
was a little warm. I stopped at the library on our way home to
return an overdue book and pick up some of my holds. The kids opted
to wait in the car.
While I was in the library, maybe 10 minutes, there was a pretty
serious conflict between the kids. DS14 came into the library and
made me aware of the conflict between DS12 and DD16. I asked DS14
to go back out to ask them to simmer down before I came back out. I
was seconds away from exiting the library myself.
When I came out of the library DS14 and DD16 were standing outside
the vehicle talking with DS12 inside the car by himself. What I
knew at this point was that DS12 had supposedly grabbed DS16's face
with his hand, and DD16 had punched DS12. Since there was no
exchange of any kind going on upon my exiting the library and
getting in the car I decided not to say anything at that moment. I
hadn't witnessed the exchange, had no idea what really happened, and
we were minutes from home.
When we got home DS14 rode his bike to visit Dad at work, DS12 was
upstairs and DD16 proceeded to tell me her version of what had
happened without my prodding her. From her perspective DS12 had
asked DS14 to move up his seat a little so that he could be more
comfortable. (this point is why I'm awake kicking myself for not
having asked questions right here) For whatever reason DS14 had
issue with this as is typical anytime DS12 asks anything like this
of him. (ie: Could you please move a little so I can see the TV
better?) Such requests usually end up in a "discussion" of the why
type. Why should I move? Why am I even in your way? Why wasn't
how much I moved good enough? Why can't you see with me right
here? ON and ON.
This is the point where I will usually point out that it's not an
unreasonable request and ask him to please just move. Sometimes
he'll want to get into the semantics with me. He seriously sees the
request as the issue and not his reluctance to honor something so
simple. Well, with me not being there it turned into something
totally different. Instead of DS14 moving up the seat, DD16 sided
with DS14 against DS12 insisting that DS12 would never do that for
DS14 so why should he? DS16 can be pretty bossy, for lack of better
word, and DS12 got frustrated. From DS16's perspective DS12 was
just fine one minute and attacked her the next minute grabbing her
face. She proceeded to tell me that he was bipolar and needed
counseling. A little dramatic in my opinion, but she seemed
perfectly serious.
Totally dropping the ball and not pointing out how DS12's request
was perfectly reasonable I fell into the "wrong" conversation in
certain aspects. I pointed out that I have in fact seen DS12 honor
DS14's requests on other occassions. We discussed why it's not
usually a good idea to impose yourself in a conflict between your
siblings, or anyone, that has nothing to do with you. (and honestly
wasn't a big deal between the two DS's until DD got involved) I
also pointed out that it is not fair to suggest someone is crazy
because they didn't know how to handle a conflict and got
frustrated. We also discussed the age difference between her and
DD12. That was something she acknowledged and seemed to get her
attention. At times we tend to foget that DD12 really is a young
kid. He is the youngest of seven. Our perspective can get a little
off with the age thing at times. He's almost three years younger
than DS14 and is four years younger than DD16. It makes a big
difference in certain aspects and conflict resolution is one of
them. How could he be expected to have the same skills and
experience, right? It seemed to be an aha kind of moment for her.
A little while later DD12 came into my room and talked to me about
the conflict. His perspective is that he had made the request
mentioned above and DD16 started in on him and wouldn't stop
attacking him verbally. He knew that he couldn't tell her to stop
because it would make the situation worse. He couldn't get out of
the vehicle because he felt trapped behind DD14 and DD16 was beside
him. (it's a two door, very small, vehicle) So, he put his hand
over her mouth as his way to tell her to be quiet not thinking about
the fact that this would also make matters worse. She freaked out
on him further and started punching him. He defended himself. His
thought process exhibited very mature reasoning in many aspects, but
his feeling of being trapped is what paralyzed him.
Neither child had any marks on their bodies. Neither child was
visibly upset in any outward ways like tear stains or anything like
that. The thing that's keeping me awake is that I feel like this
should be discussed further with DD14 and DD16, but I'm not sure how
to go about it. I'm not sure that DD12 should be present when we
talk about it. For those of you that don't know DD14 and DD16 are
new to homeschooling and unschooling. They have been in PS their
entire lives until this past Easter Break and Christmas Break
respectively.
How would you approach this if it were your children? What, if
anything, should I do differently with them not really having an
unschooling mindset? They are both gone until Sunday, so we won't
be able to talk until then. I would really appreciate some input
from all of you.
Thanks - Tina
rare occurance. With summer heat and windows open I am now awake in
thought. I sure wish this would have come to me earlier, but I need
to pose a question.
Today I was out with DS12, DS14 and DD16. We had a long day, and it
was a little warm. I stopped at the library on our way home to
return an overdue book and pick up some of my holds. The kids opted
to wait in the car.
While I was in the library, maybe 10 minutes, there was a pretty
serious conflict between the kids. DS14 came into the library and
made me aware of the conflict between DS12 and DD16. I asked DS14
to go back out to ask them to simmer down before I came back out. I
was seconds away from exiting the library myself.
When I came out of the library DS14 and DD16 were standing outside
the vehicle talking with DS12 inside the car by himself. What I
knew at this point was that DS12 had supposedly grabbed DS16's face
with his hand, and DD16 had punched DS12. Since there was no
exchange of any kind going on upon my exiting the library and
getting in the car I decided not to say anything at that moment. I
hadn't witnessed the exchange, had no idea what really happened, and
we were minutes from home.
When we got home DS14 rode his bike to visit Dad at work, DS12 was
upstairs and DD16 proceeded to tell me her version of what had
happened without my prodding her. From her perspective DS12 had
asked DS14 to move up his seat a little so that he could be more
comfortable. (this point is why I'm awake kicking myself for not
having asked questions right here) For whatever reason DS14 had
issue with this as is typical anytime DS12 asks anything like this
of him. (ie: Could you please move a little so I can see the TV
better?) Such requests usually end up in a "discussion" of the why
type. Why should I move? Why am I even in your way? Why wasn't
how much I moved good enough? Why can't you see with me right
here? ON and ON.
This is the point where I will usually point out that it's not an
unreasonable request and ask him to please just move. Sometimes
he'll want to get into the semantics with me. He seriously sees the
request as the issue and not his reluctance to honor something so
simple. Well, with me not being there it turned into something
totally different. Instead of DS14 moving up the seat, DD16 sided
with DS14 against DS12 insisting that DS12 would never do that for
DS14 so why should he? DS16 can be pretty bossy, for lack of better
word, and DS12 got frustrated. From DS16's perspective DS12 was
just fine one minute and attacked her the next minute grabbing her
face. She proceeded to tell me that he was bipolar and needed
counseling. A little dramatic in my opinion, but she seemed
perfectly serious.
Totally dropping the ball and not pointing out how DS12's request
was perfectly reasonable I fell into the "wrong" conversation in
certain aspects. I pointed out that I have in fact seen DS12 honor
DS14's requests on other occassions. We discussed why it's not
usually a good idea to impose yourself in a conflict between your
siblings, or anyone, that has nothing to do with you. (and honestly
wasn't a big deal between the two DS's until DD got involved) I
also pointed out that it is not fair to suggest someone is crazy
because they didn't know how to handle a conflict and got
frustrated. We also discussed the age difference between her and
DD12. That was something she acknowledged and seemed to get her
attention. At times we tend to foget that DD12 really is a young
kid. He is the youngest of seven. Our perspective can get a little
off with the age thing at times. He's almost three years younger
than DS14 and is four years younger than DD16. It makes a big
difference in certain aspects and conflict resolution is one of
them. How could he be expected to have the same skills and
experience, right? It seemed to be an aha kind of moment for her.
A little while later DD12 came into my room and talked to me about
the conflict. His perspective is that he had made the request
mentioned above and DD16 started in on him and wouldn't stop
attacking him verbally. He knew that he couldn't tell her to stop
because it would make the situation worse. He couldn't get out of
the vehicle because he felt trapped behind DD14 and DD16 was beside
him. (it's a two door, very small, vehicle) So, he put his hand
over her mouth as his way to tell her to be quiet not thinking about
the fact that this would also make matters worse. She freaked out
on him further and started punching him. He defended himself. His
thought process exhibited very mature reasoning in many aspects, but
his feeling of being trapped is what paralyzed him.
Neither child had any marks on their bodies. Neither child was
visibly upset in any outward ways like tear stains or anything like
that. The thing that's keeping me awake is that I feel like this
should be discussed further with DD14 and DD16, but I'm not sure how
to go about it. I'm not sure that DD12 should be present when we
talk about it. For those of you that don't know DD14 and DD16 are
new to homeschooling and unschooling. They have been in PS their
entire lives until this past Easter Break and Christmas Break
respectively.
How would you approach this if it were your children? What, if
anything, should I do differently with them not really having an
unschooling mindset? They are both gone until Sunday, so we won't
be able to talk until then. I would really appreciate some input
from all of you.
Thanks - Tina
Tina
Error Correction: I got a little messed up along the way with the DS
and DD aspects of my post. The kids ARE as follows:
DS12
DS14
DD16
Sorry if this caused any confusion...
Tina
and DD aspects of my post. The kids ARE as follows:
DS12
DS14
DD16
Sorry if this caused any confusion...
Tina
Mary Hickman
Hi Tina,
I have children who also get into conflicts like this when tired,
hungry, trapped, hot. Mine are younger, 12, 9 and 6...but I see a
lot of similar patterns here in my home. I like how your kids
spontaneously came and talked to you. That's a great sign that they
want to be heard. Even the older one saying the younger is crazy.
That is what she is feeling right then, so hearing her without
judgement is important. I think you did a great thing not going back
over the conflict in the moment. Mine just would get all hot and
bothered again, it would escalate the situation.
Some things I would suggest. Help your 12 year old feel in control.
Have plans, like when you get so mad at DD 16, get out, no matter
what and away. That might help with him not touching her. Let the
other kids know your plan. When DS 12 is mad, he needs space and
air. We are going to help him with that. Also, I just don't leave
all 3 of mine in the car or anywhere really. 2 's work, 3's fight. I
take one. It doesn't seem to matter which one. DD 16 needs to own
her part of the situation. Have you read the Explosive Child By Ross
Greene. It's an eye openner for triggers to angry reactions. My
older dd is the primary trigger to her brothers angry outburst.
Without dwelling on her, I do let her know possible other paths
which might result in less anger. Like you suggested, if she was
silent, then the boys might have been fine.
Without putting to much emphasis on what happened, I would stay
tuned into your 3 and be present when the sibling conflicts begin.
See the dynamics, but also find a way to support all of them being
heard. I find this the hardest, slowing everyone down to be heard,
to listen to eachother and to move from problem to solution. One
thing we are doing is trying not to be in situations where we need
to ask someone else to do something for our comfort. For example, if
someone sits down and blocks you, you can either scoot over yourself
or ask. If asking gets you negative results, moving just might be a
better solution.
Good luck. You have me worried, I'm goignt o have those same bigger
kids bickering in the car while I try to get 1 thing taken care of.
Mary
I have children who also get into conflicts like this when tired,
hungry, trapped, hot. Mine are younger, 12, 9 and 6...but I see a
lot of similar patterns here in my home. I like how your kids
spontaneously came and talked to you. That's a great sign that they
want to be heard. Even the older one saying the younger is crazy.
That is what she is feeling right then, so hearing her without
judgement is important. I think you did a great thing not going back
over the conflict in the moment. Mine just would get all hot and
bothered again, it would escalate the situation.
Some things I would suggest. Help your 12 year old feel in control.
Have plans, like when you get so mad at DD 16, get out, no matter
what and away. That might help with him not touching her. Let the
other kids know your plan. When DS 12 is mad, he needs space and
air. We are going to help him with that. Also, I just don't leave
all 3 of mine in the car or anywhere really. 2 's work, 3's fight. I
take one. It doesn't seem to matter which one. DD 16 needs to own
her part of the situation. Have you read the Explosive Child By Ross
Greene. It's an eye openner for triggers to angry reactions. My
older dd is the primary trigger to her brothers angry outburst.
Without dwelling on her, I do let her know possible other paths
which might result in less anger. Like you suggested, if she was
silent, then the boys might have been fine.
Without putting to much emphasis on what happened, I would stay
tuned into your 3 and be present when the sibling conflicts begin.
See the dynamics, but also find a way to support all of them being
heard. I find this the hardest, slowing everyone down to be heard,
to listen to eachother and to move from problem to solution. One
thing we are doing is trying not to be in situations where we need
to ask someone else to do something for our comfort. For example, if
someone sits down and blocks you, you can either scoot over yourself
or ask. If asking gets you negative results, moving just might be a
better solution.
Good luck. You have me worried, I'm goignt o have those same bigger
kids bickering in the car while I try to get 1 thing taken care of.
Mary
Tina
> Good luck. You have me worried, I'm goign to have those samebigger kids bickering in the car while I try to get 1 thing taken
care of.>
Thanks for your input, Mary. Don't worry too much. Consider
yourself blessed. You have a leg up in this arena. How wonderful
for your family that you have come to this while they are young.
I was "absent minded parented" and had a rough way to go. I made
the error in judgement thinking that where my single-mom
went "wrong" with me was not being strict enough and fell into the
traditional parenting trap. Unfortunately, we raised the first four
that way...in public school to boot.
Now we have the three youngest here at home and are trying to do
things differently. We are learning from experience that control
fed parenting backfires, and having a real relationship based on
trust and respect creates something totally different, desirable and
meaningful.
DH is a little behind me, but I am desperately trying to learn for
all of us. I'm getting the mindful part in theory, and I couldn't
agree more. (Honestly, when I look back on my instincts mindful
parenting came naturally to me. I allowed it to get mucked up by
getting sucked into the "need" to traditionally parent.) Now I just
need my mindful instincts to become natural reflex in practice.
With no personal refernce point it can be very tricky at times. The
only examples I had were toxic.
It is my desire to create something totally different with my
children at home and rebuild my relationship with the older ones as
well. Maybe I can set a positive example and give my children
something real to refer back on when it comes time for them to raise
the next generation.
Thanks to the others for the links. I really appreciate the
resources.
Tina