relaxing
Solé
Hello,
now I need help again. We've been unschooling for about a week
now :-) I have had many positive experiences since then and I really
want to continue doing this, because I believe in this.
I'm EXTREMELY exhausted! I don't think it is that I have been saying
"yes" too much and not taking into account my own needs, because I
have, when I really needed it, and always kindly and as respectful as
I can and I found that since she has been given freedom, she is so
grateful that she helps more often than she did before and she
accepts real "nos" without whining.
But there is one need of ours which doesn't seem to be compatible
with unschooling. That is relaxing without children (or with, but
that doesn't seem to work) and watching/doing things for "adults".
Formerly, when the children where in bed, at *8.00 pm* :-) we had
four hours for *just us*. We would watch movies, relax, talk, email,
bathe together etc. After a long day of work and attention to our
children we'd be exhausted and could relax.
Now we have no bedtimes. The first days she went to bed at 3, 4 in
the morning, we were already in bed :-) I really want her to have
that freedom and I don't mind at all this part of the fact. BUT *we*
as a couple don't seem to have any peace at all. We haven't relaxed
since monday, I'm extremely exhausted, headache since yesterday, we
havne't even been able to talk about unschooling or anything in
relaxed mode to process all of this. I thought I was only lacking
sleep but the last two days I wanted to go to bed early, and at 22:00
I said I wanted to go to bed, and THEN *suddenly* she wanted to a
million things: endless cuddling (I read somewhere we shouldn't let
go off first), talking, show me something, show me another thing etc
etc... well yesterday I managed to go to bed anyway early (for my
standarts), but I still feel extremely exhausted. I dunno how to meet
this need because I really just need NOBODY around me asking
questions, making me do things etc. etc.
What can I do? Is it unschooling if we tell her she can play or do
whatever meanwhile, but we need our time in the evenings to watch
somethign and relax? or being alone? At least *sometimes* I'm not
even asking for EVERY evening, but just when we feel the urge? I
guess not! So yesterday we tried watching TV anyway (to have our
needs and passions respected as well) and then DS (1 yr) was crawling
all over us all the time (he kind of understood we are unschooling as
well ;-) and doesn't want to sleep at 8 either), and DD (7yr) started
jumping around, said a million things in between, asked questions
(which we answered), said it was boring etc etc. So we kind of didn't
relax at all :-) And as exhausted as we go to bed now we will
probably never have sex again ;-)
I know it will be hard at the beginning and that the child's needs
are on top. But... How do you meet your own need to relax?
Thank you for any advice.
Johanna
now I need help again. We've been unschooling for about a week
now :-) I have had many positive experiences since then and I really
want to continue doing this, because I believe in this.
I'm EXTREMELY exhausted! I don't think it is that I have been saying
"yes" too much and not taking into account my own needs, because I
have, when I really needed it, and always kindly and as respectful as
I can and I found that since she has been given freedom, she is so
grateful that she helps more often than she did before and she
accepts real "nos" without whining.
But there is one need of ours which doesn't seem to be compatible
with unschooling. That is relaxing without children (or with, but
that doesn't seem to work) and watching/doing things for "adults".
Formerly, when the children where in bed, at *8.00 pm* :-) we had
four hours for *just us*. We would watch movies, relax, talk, email,
bathe together etc. After a long day of work and attention to our
children we'd be exhausted and could relax.
Now we have no bedtimes. The first days she went to bed at 3, 4 in
the morning, we were already in bed :-) I really want her to have
that freedom and I don't mind at all this part of the fact. BUT *we*
as a couple don't seem to have any peace at all. We haven't relaxed
since monday, I'm extremely exhausted, headache since yesterday, we
havne't even been able to talk about unschooling or anything in
relaxed mode to process all of this. I thought I was only lacking
sleep but the last two days I wanted to go to bed early, and at 22:00
I said I wanted to go to bed, and THEN *suddenly* she wanted to a
million things: endless cuddling (I read somewhere we shouldn't let
go off first), talking, show me something, show me another thing etc
etc... well yesterday I managed to go to bed anyway early (for my
standarts), but I still feel extremely exhausted. I dunno how to meet
this need because I really just need NOBODY around me asking
questions, making me do things etc. etc.
What can I do? Is it unschooling if we tell her she can play or do
whatever meanwhile, but we need our time in the evenings to watch
somethign and relax? or being alone? At least *sometimes* I'm not
even asking for EVERY evening, but just when we feel the urge? I
guess not! So yesterday we tried watching TV anyway (to have our
needs and passions respected as well) and then DS (1 yr) was crawling
all over us all the time (he kind of understood we are unschooling as
well ;-) and doesn't want to sleep at 8 either), and DD (7yr) started
jumping around, said a million things in between, asked questions
(which we answered), said it was boring etc etc. So we kind of didn't
relax at all :-) And as exhausted as we go to bed now we will
probably never have sex again ;-)
I know it will be hard at the beginning and that the child's needs
are on top. But... How do you meet your own need to relax?
Thank you for any advice.
Johanna
Angela S.
Not having an arbitrary bedtime doesn't mean that you can't help your
children settled in for the night at a fairly regular time. Are you only
kids 7 and 1? My kids at those ages always happily settled into bed on a
fairly routine basis. (Actually, they still do at almost 10 and 11)We
didn't miss/cut short a special movie or the fireworks or stop a fun visit
somewhere JUST because it was 8 o'clock, but they were still tired on a
regular basis and still went to bed at a pretty regular time.
This was not with tears because it's bedtime and I said so, but loving
cuddled beside mommy or daddy after our normal evening routine. If dh and I
wanted time together afterwards I'd get back up out of bed after the kids
fell asleep. (Sometimes I'd tell him to wake me in half an hour cause I
knew I'd fall asleep) It didn't take long for them to fall asleep because
they were tired. I didn't pick an arbitrary bedtime but followed their body
signals and we had a nice routine and we began that when they showed signs
of tiredness.
It's possible to find something that works for your family while being
respectful of your kids at the same time.
Angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
children settled in for the night at a fairly regular time. Are you only
kids 7 and 1? My kids at those ages always happily settled into bed on a
fairly routine basis. (Actually, they still do at almost 10 and 11)We
didn't miss/cut short a special movie or the fireworks or stop a fun visit
somewhere JUST because it was 8 o'clock, but they were still tired on a
regular basis and still went to bed at a pretty regular time.
This was not with tears because it's bedtime and I said so, but loving
cuddled beside mommy or daddy after our normal evening routine. If dh and I
wanted time together afterwards I'd get back up out of bed after the kids
fell asleep. (Sometimes I'd tell him to wake me in half an hour cause I
knew I'd fall asleep) It didn't take long for them to fall asleep because
they were tired. I didn't pick an arbitrary bedtime but followed their body
signals and we had a nice routine and we began that when they showed signs
of tiredness.
It's possible to find something that works for your family while being
respectful of your kids at the same time.
Angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Misty
--- In [email protected], "Angela S." <game-
enthusiast@...> wrote:
body clues, and gets frustrated when we tell her she needs to go to
bed. I know at her age she is still a bit young to fully understand
her body clues. What clues can I help draw her attention to to help
her understand?
Here's an example. It's getting late, nearing 10:00 or 10:30, dd
has been up since 7:30 - 8 in the morning with an 1.5hr nap around
1:30. I can tell she's tired through her irritablity, but she
insists that she wants to stay up to watch more tv or very
occasionally play with us. The playing with us part I understand,
dh got a new job about 2 months ago that requires him to work more
hours than before, the problem with this is that dh gets up at 6:00
and is tired and needs to get to bed himself. DD still nurses to
sleep inbtwn us in our bed.
Any ideas about how to make this smoother?
Misty
enthusiast@...> wrote:
>showed signs
> I didn't pick an arbitrary bedtime but followed their body
> signals and we had a nice routine and we began that when they
> of tiredness.I've noticed that lately dd (almost 3) as not been following her
>
body clues, and gets frustrated when we tell her she needs to go to
bed. I know at her age she is still a bit young to fully understand
her body clues. What clues can I help draw her attention to to help
her understand?
Here's an example. It's getting late, nearing 10:00 or 10:30, dd
has been up since 7:30 - 8 in the morning with an 1.5hr nap around
1:30. I can tell she's tired through her irritablity, but she
insists that she wants to stay up to watch more tv or very
occasionally play with us. The playing with us part I understand,
dh got a new job about 2 months ago that requires him to work more
hours than before, the problem with this is that dh gets up at 6:00
and is tired and needs to get to bed himself. DD still nurses to
sleep inbtwn us in our bed.
Any ideas about how to make this smoother?
Misty
Angela S.
<Any ideas about how to make this smoother?>
My girls always wanted to be where I was, so when they showed signs of
tiredness, we began our bedtime routine and I went to bed with them. I
always gave them plenty of warning time so they could prepare themselves
mentally. Even know when my 9 yo starts to fall apart from over tiredness,
(she gets frustrated and down on herself) I talk to her about how
everything seems worse when you are tired and how much better she'll feel in
the morning and I offer to lie down with her. If we were playing a game or
doing something together, I promise to finish in the morning and then I do.
Just keep reminding her of the clues and giving plenty of transition time
and then go to bed together. My youngest is the first one to say when she's
tired now and she'll ask me to lie down with her if she's really tired. My
older dd doesn't seem to need as much sleep as even I do (more like her dad)
although she still comes to bed when I go because she likes to be near me.
I personally wouldn't say to a three year old that she can stay up as late
as she wants to. Not having a bedtime by the clock doesn't mean that you
don't watch for their tired clues and help them transition smoothly into
sleep. It just means don't have an arbitrary bedtime. "It's 8 o'clock,
it's bedtime. I don't care that the other kids in the neighborhood are
staying up for the fireworks. I don't care that there are Christmas
specials on tonight. I don't care that you slept in this morning and you
aren't tired now. It's 8 o'clock, it's time for bed." Some people do that.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My girls always wanted to be where I was, so when they showed signs of
tiredness, we began our bedtime routine and I went to bed with them. I
always gave them plenty of warning time so they could prepare themselves
mentally. Even know when my 9 yo starts to fall apart from over tiredness,
(she gets frustrated and down on herself) I talk to her about how
everything seems worse when you are tired and how much better she'll feel in
the morning and I offer to lie down with her. If we were playing a game or
doing something together, I promise to finish in the morning and then I do.
Just keep reminding her of the clues and giving plenty of transition time
and then go to bed together. My youngest is the first one to say when she's
tired now and she'll ask me to lie down with her if she's really tired. My
older dd doesn't seem to need as much sleep as even I do (more like her dad)
although she still comes to bed when I go because she likes to be near me.
I personally wouldn't say to a three year old that she can stay up as late
as she wants to. Not having a bedtime by the clock doesn't mean that you
don't watch for their tired clues and help them transition smoothly into
sleep. It just means don't have an arbitrary bedtime. "It's 8 o'clock,
it's bedtime. I don't care that the other kids in the neighborhood are
staying up for the fireworks. I don't care that there are Christmas
specials on tonight. I don't care that you slept in this morning and you
aren't tired now. It's 8 o'clock, it's time for bed." Some people do that.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb Lewis
***I've noticed that lately dd (almost 3) as not been following her
body clues,***
I think three is very young and she really can't be expected to understand
all those signals nor should she be expected to know exactly how to respond
to them. Signals that we're tired can be different and can be responded
to differently. Not all adults understand their own body signals so it
seems too much to expect of a little child.
Sometimes when we're tired a little snack and a sit down can rejuvenate us.
Sometimes a nap will do. Sometimes we need hours of sleep. Sometimes
little kids need mom to hold them for five or ten or thirty minutes.
Sometimes nursing and a five minute snooze is all they need and they're good
for a couple more hours. She *is* processing all that. She *is* becoming
aware of that but understanding might take years and years. It's not as
easy as one signal for one kind of tired and one response.
***and gets frustrated when we tell her she needs to go to
bed. ***
You don't have to tell her. You can begin to make her environment more
sleep friendly. Turn down lights, turn down TV or music, get into your own
pj's. Offer her pj's. Hold her, rock her, lay down with her.... If
hearing you say "time for bed" makes her cranky then you can stop *saying*
it but take actions to move the household toward sleep.
***What clues can I help draw her attention to to help
her understand?***
I don't think you need to draw her attention to her own body cues. You can
talk about yourself though. You can say when you feel tired and you can say
how good it feels to put on your jammies and snuggle on the sofa. I
personally find it very irritating when other people tell me how I feel. <g>
As she gets older it might help her if you make an observation like, "you
seem tired" or if you ask if she might be tired, but she is still very
young and I think you won't help her awareness by pointing these things out
now. I think time will help her awareness and your example of a person who
doesn't feel like sleep is the end of something, the end of fun or the end
of play but just one more part of a day, like getting dressed or having
lunch.
***but she
insists that she wants to stay up to watch more tv or very
occasionally play with us. ***
Can your dh just go to bed when he needs to? You could quiet the house and
ease your daughter toward sleep. Can she fall asleep watching TV with you
and then be moved to the bed? Can you and your daughter sleep in another
room where you might take more time talking or reading in bed and not
disturb your dh?
Try to be flexible and creative. Your daughter is changing and growing and
what will help her today might not help in two months. If the goal is to
help her get to sleep and get the amount of sleep she needs you will have to
be the one watching her cues so that early on you can offer things that will
ease her toward sleep. A warm bath, a little snack, cuddly jammies just
out of the dryer, a favorite blanket or stuffed toy offered to her when you
snuggle down on the sofa in the evening.
We used to make a nest for Dylan, on the sofa or on the floor. For awhile
he had a little tent we'd put up in the living room and we'd cozy it up and
he'd snuggle in there and watch TV until he fell asleep or he'd take some of
his little trains in there and play and fall asleep that way. Sometimes
he'd just go to bed with his dad. Mostly he liked to be where we were and
if we were happily getting ready for bed he'd join us. Sometimes he'd stay
awake longer than us but we got used to him there, playing quietly. <g>
(as much as one can get used to little feet scrambling and little fingers
poking and patting.)
Deb Lewis
body clues,***
I think three is very young and she really can't be expected to understand
all those signals nor should she be expected to know exactly how to respond
to them. Signals that we're tired can be different and can be responded
to differently. Not all adults understand their own body signals so it
seems too much to expect of a little child.
Sometimes when we're tired a little snack and a sit down can rejuvenate us.
Sometimes a nap will do. Sometimes we need hours of sleep. Sometimes
little kids need mom to hold them for five or ten or thirty minutes.
Sometimes nursing and a five minute snooze is all they need and they're good
for a couple more hours. She *is* processing all that. She *is* becoming
aware of that but understanding might take years and years. It's not as
easy as one signal for one kind of tired and one response.
***and gets frustrated when we tell her she needs to go to
bed. ***
You don't have to tell her. You can begin to make her environment more
sleep friendly. Turn down lights, turn down TV or music, get into your own
pj's. Offer her pj's. Hold her, rock her, lay down with her.... If
hearing you say "time for bed" makes her cranky then you can stop *saying*
it but take actions to move the household toward sleep.
***What clues can I help draw her attention to to help
her understand?***
I don't think you need to draw her attention to her own body cues. You can
talk about yourself though. You can say when you feel tired and you can say
how good it feels to put on your jammies and snuggle on the sofa. I
personally find it very irritating when other people tell me how I feel. <g>
As she gets older it might help her if you make an observation like, "you
seem tired" or if you ask if she might be tired, but she is still very
young and I think you won't help her awareness by pointing these things out
now. I think time will help her awareness and your example of a person who
doesn't feel like sleep is the end of something, the end of fun or the end
of play but just one more part of a day, like getting dressed or having
lunch.
***but she
insists that she wants to stay up to watch more tv or very
occasionally play with us. ***
Can your dh just go to bed when he needs to? You could quiet the house and
ease your daughter toward sleep. Can she fall asleep watching TV with you
and then be moved to the bed? Can you and your daughter sleep in another
room where you might take more time talking or reading in bed and not
disturb your dh?
Try to be flexible and creative. Your daughter is changing and growing and
what will help her today might not help in two months. If the goal is to
help her get to sleep and get the amount of sleep she needs you will have to
be the one watching her cues so that early on you can offer things that will
ease her toward sleep. A warm bath, a little snack, cuddly jammies just
out of the dryer, a favorite blanket or stuffed toy offered to her when you
snuggle down on the sofa in the evening.
We used to make a nest for Dylan, on the sofa or on the floor. For awhile
he had a little tent we'd put up in the living room and we'd cozy it up and
he'd snuggle in there and watch TV until he fell asleep or he'd take some of
his little trains in there and play and fall asleep that way. Sometimes
he'd just go to bed with his dad. Mostly he liked to be where we were and
if we were happily getting ready for bed he'd join us. Sometimes he'd stay
awake longer than us but we got used to him there, playing quietly. <g>
(as much as one can get used to little feet scrambling and little fingers
poking and patting.)
Deb Lewis
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 9/1/06, Solé <solelokuai@...> wrote:
into sleep. I used to think that my son Keon had a bedtime because he went
to bed at 8:05 everynight. then I realized that it had nothing to do with a
bedtime. He went to bed then because that was what his body needed. Here I
have 2 girls who are up until past midnight most night and my son was going
to bed regularly at a "normal" bedtime. It only looks normal because he was
being helped into sleep by us at a time when his body needed it.
If your children aren't able to read their own body clues that they are
needing sleep, there is nothing wrong with helping them settle down.
Perhaps put on a movie and turn out the lights, spend some time reading a
story. Express to them that they look tired. "You look sleepy, honey. Do
you want me to go lie down with you for a while so you can rest?" or even
"I'm exhausted. Will you curl up with me for a bit so I can close my eyes
for 40 winks?" Lack of bedtime does not mean neglecting helping your
children figure out their sleep patterns.
--
Michelle
Michelle Leifur Reid
YOUR Pampered Chef Consultant
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Check out my homeschool cooking classes!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>there is a difference between having no bedtimes and helping a child relax
>
> Now we have no bedtimes. The first days she went to bed at 3, 4 in
> the morning, we were already in bed :-) I really want her to have
> that freedom and I don't mind at all this part of the fact.
into sleep. I used to think that my son Keon had a bedtime because he went
to bed at 8:05 everynight. then I realized that it had nothing to do with a
bedtime. He went to bed then because that was what his body needed. Here I
have 2 girls who are up until past midnight most night and my son was going
to bed regularly at a "normal" bedtime. It only looks normal because he was
being helped into sleep by us at a time when his body needed it.
If your children aren't able to read their own body clues that they are
needing sleep, there is nothing wrong with helping them settle down.
Perhaps put on a movie and turn out the lights, spend some time reading a
story. Express to them that they look tired. "You look sleepy, honey. Do
you want me to go lie down with you for a while so you can rest?" or even
"I'm exhausted. Will you curl up with me for a bit so I can close my eyes
for 40 winks?" Lack of bedtime does not mean neglecting helping your
children figure out their sleep patterns.
--
Michelle
Michelle Leifur Reid
YOUR Pampered Chef Consultant
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Check out my homeschool cooking classes!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]