Newbie with question...
Cara
Ok some background. I was a pretty conventional parent - did the
timeout thing as toddlers instead of spanking, set bedtimes, and
made bad food choices with my children. Until about 2 months ago.
My daughters are 4 & 7. They never been to school. We did do
curriculum when my oldest daughter was 5 but that didn't turn out
too well. That's when I turned to unschooling.
I love unschool for homeschooling - it's been great following their
interests - frogs, lizards, turtles for my youngest and my oldest is
into costumes, paper dolls, dressing up, and styling our hair.
I'm trying to incorporate our unschooling in other things like food
choices and bedtimes. Bedtimes haven't really been a big deal since
my youngest was born. She taught me that she could really sleep
anytime anywhere. Food choices were a bigger deal for my hubby, but
he is now embracing it.
My thing is sharing. I don't make them share their toys with each
other - my oldest has a keyboard and my youngest has a doodle pad
that they bought themselves with birthday money. They do have toys
that they both play with - blocks, playdough, puzzles, games, cards,
cars, barbies, etc. And usually they share well with that.
The problems occur regarding the computer and television. Now my
children both love playing games online and on the computer and love
watching TV (like Animal Planet for my youngest), but my oldest
sometimes refuses to share.
When my youngest daughter (whom is very shy and introverted) is
playing on the computer my oldest will boss her around telling her
that its wrong or her picture doesn't match. My youngest doesn't
(can't?) stick up for herself so I try to intervene.
I try to explain that we all have to take turns and share, she rolls
her eyes at me and shrugs her shoulders and starts to whine and
complain. I try asking her if she needs something from mom and she
says "just leave me alone". I want to be respectful of her and her
wishes, but I can't let her be rude and disrespectful to her sister
or me. I try to offer other activities - like reading a book with
her, playing a game or watching TV (if little sister is on the
computer). But she just stomps off (did I mention she is very
dramatic?) to her room or sulks in the corner. She doesn't want to
be close to me or anything.
I know a lot of this is from being "controlled" in the past by me
and her dad. I know that ** I WANT ** her to respect other members
of our "tribe" but I know ** I CAN'T MAKE ** her. But I also can't
stand by and let her walk all over her sister - bossing her around,
taking over her games or puzzles, etc.
Advice on how to reach a solution that is best for all members of
our tribe?
Cara :)
timeout thing as toddlers instead of spanking, set bedtimes, and
made bad food choices with my children. Until about 2 months ago.
My daughters are 4 & 7. They never been to school. We did do
curriculum when my oldest daughter was 5 but that didn't turn out
too well. That's when I turned to unschooling.
I love unschool for homeschooling - it's been great following their
interests - frogs, lizards, turtles for my youngest and my oldest is
into costumes, paper dolls, dressing up, and styling our hair.
I'm trying to incorporate our unschooling in other things like food
choices and bedtimes. Bedtimes haven't really been a big deal since
my youngest was born. She taught me that she could really sleep
anytime anywhere. Food choices were a bigger deal for my hubby, but
he is now embracing it.
My thing is sharing. I don't make them share their toys with each
other - my oldest has a keyboard and my youngest has a doodle pad
that they bought themselves with birthday money. They do have toys
that they both play with - blocks, playdough, puzzles, games, cards,
cars, barbies, etc. And usually they share well with that.
The problems occur regarding the computer and television. Now my
children both love playing games online and on the computer and love
watching TV (like Animal Planet for my youngest), but my oldest
sometimes refuses to share.
When my youngest daughter (whom is very shy and introverted) is
playing on the computer my oldest will boss her around telling her
that its wrong or her picture doesn't match. My youngest doesn't
(can't?) stick up for herself so I try to intervene.
I try to explain that we all have to take turns and share, she rolls
her eyes at me and shrugs her shoulders and starts to whine and
complain. I try asking her if she needs something from mom and she
says "just leave me alone". I want to be respectful of her and her
wishes, but I can't let her be rude and disrespectful to her sister
or me. I try to offer other activities - like reading a book with
her, playing a game or watching TV (if little sister is on the
computer). But she just stomps off (did I mention she is very
dramatic?) to her room or sulks in the corner. She doesn't want to
be close to me or anything.
I know a lot of this is from being "controlled" in the past by me
and her dad. I know that ** I WANT ** her to respect other members
of our "tribe" but I know ** I CAN'T MAKE ** her. But I also can't
stand by and let her walk all over her sister - bossing her around,
taking over her games or puzzles, etc.
Advice on how to reach a solution that is best for all members of
our tribe?
Cara :)
Joyce Fetteroll
On Aug 30, 2006, at 7:37 PM, Cara wrote:
haven for your children. If someone's abusing one of your children,
you step in and stop it, regardless of who's doing the abusing.
trying to find a solution that will change your daughter so that she
behaves the way you think she should.
First, we can't make other people change.
Second, focus on the immediate behavior. Call her away to do
something fun and important. (Start making a list now for emergencies
for when you aren't doing something that can be shared. Be creative :-)
Change your view. Don't see your role as the fixer of situations but
as *helping* her find ways to be peaceful in her own skin.
I haven't quite figured out an easy way to explain the difference.
Some mothers -- I call them earth mothers -- have this peaceful aura
about them. They approach problems in a "Here's what the world
offers. I'm here to help." Other mothers need to make everything all
better and fix things. And that anxiety that there's a problem
existing that hasn't been solved and the child isn't making any
progress spills out of them and onto the child.
Does that difference make any sense?
years on this planet compared to your daughter's 7?
I think you'll need to accept that her reactions aren't going to be
as positive as they one day will be. Be patient. You've changed the
rules on her and she needs time to adjust.
Do say "No," and "Stop," if she's hurting your other daughter but
don't have the expectation that the next time she won't do it. Assume
she *is* learning but that it's going to take some time for her to be
aware that she has choices in response to her emotions and some time
to no longer feel the need to grasp and hurt in response to feeling
needy and hurt herself. It takes time for those feelings to fade.
Have you read "Siblings Without Rivalry"? It's a very easy read.
(Popular too so your library should have it.)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> My youngest doesn'tDoesn't make a difference why. See your role as providing a safe
> (can't?) stick up for herself so I try to intervene.
haven for your children. If someone's abusing one of your children,
you step in and stop it, regardless of who's doing the abusing.
> I try to explain that we all have to take turns and share, she rollsI think you're in the "I need to fix this situation" mode. You're
> her eyes at me and shrugs her shoulders and starts to whine and
> complain.
trying to find a solution that will change your daughter so that she
behaves the way you think she should.
First, we can't make other people change.
Second, focus on the immediate behavior. Call her away to do
something fun and important. (Start making a list now for emergencies
for when you aren't doing something that can be shared. Be creative :-)
Change your view. Don't see your role as the fixer of situations but
as *helping* her find ways to be peaceful in her own skin.
I haven't quite figured out an easy way to explain the difference.
Some mothers -- I call them earth mothers -- have this peaceful aura
about them. They approach problems in a "Here's what the world
offers. I'm here to help." Other mothers need to make everything all
better and fix things. And that anxiety that there's a problem
existing that hasn't been solved and the child isn't making any
progress spills out of them and onto the child.
Does that difference make any sense?
> I try asking her if she needs something from mom and sheWhich sounds like a whine and complain ;-) And you've had how many
> says "just leave me alone".
years on this planet compared to your daughter's 7?
> I want to be respectful of her and herSee her needs separate from how she's going about trying to meet them.
> wishes, but I can't let her be rude and disrespectful to her sister
> or me.
I think you'll need to accept that her reactions aren't going to be
as positive as they one day will be. Be patient. You've changed the
rules on her and she needs time to adjust.
Do say "No," and "Stop," if she's hurting your other daughter but
don't have the expectation that the next time she won't do it. Assume
she *is* learning but that it's going to take some time for her to be
aware that she has choices in response to her emotions and some time
to no longer feel the need to grasp and hurt in response to feeling
needy and hurt herself. It takes time for those feelings to fade.
Have you read "Siblings Without Rivalry"? It's a very easy read.
(Popular too so your library should have it.)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lesa ODaniel
Maybe your daughters will have some input that you haven't thought of...
Have you asked them if they have any ideas for how to solve this issue?
One idea might be sitting down and working together (including mom and dad
if you guys use the TV and computer, too) to write up a schedule that you
all can agree upon and have it posted somewhere. That way, everyone will
know whose turn it is for the item and when that turn will be up. You might
also find that with this "system" people may start trading turns or just
giving each other extra time with the computer or TV because they're not
ready for their turn yet or just out of the kindness of their hearts. We did
this with some things in my family when I was a kid (me and 2 brothers) and
it worked *most of the time*.
**Regarding another portion of your post - I would be very careful to
perceive your older daughter's behavior as "disrespectful". That's such a
subjective word and maybe it just means that you don't like her behavior
sometimes. She may not intend to be "disrespectful" but that's how you're
seeing it. She may have other needs going on when she stomps away
frustrated. However, asking her what she needs from you doesn't seem to be
effective. It sounds like she wants you to figure out what she needs
instead...
Lesa O'Daniel, AAHCC
Instructor, Bradley Method� of Natural Childbirth
323-541-5515
http://www.bradleybirth.com/ndweb.asp?ID=O123&Count=N
Get real-time traffic reports with Windows Live Local Search
http://local.live.com/default.aspx?v=2&cp=42.336065~-109.392273&style=r&lvl=4&scene=3712634&trfc=1
Have you asked them if they have any ideas for how to solve this issue?
One idea might be sitting down and working together (including mom and dad
if you guys use the TV and computer, too) to write up a schedule that you
all can agree upon and have it posted somewhere. That way, everyone will
know whose turn it is for the item and when that turn will be up. You might
also find that with this "system" people may start trading turns or just
giving each other extra time with the computer or TV because they're not
ready for their turn yet or just out of the kindness of their hearts. We did
this with some things in my family when I was a kid (me and 2 brothers) and
it worked *most of the time*.
**Regarding another portion of your post - I would be very careful to
perceive your older daughter's behavior as "disrespectful". That's such a
subjective word and maybe it just means that you don't like her behavior
sometimes. She may not intend to be "disrespectful" but that's how you're
seeing it. She may have other needs going on when she stomps away
frustrated. However, asking her what she needs from you doesn't seem to be
effective. It sounds like she wants you to figure out what she needs
instead...
Lesa O'Daniel, AAHCC
Instructor, Bradley Method� of Natural Childbirth
323-541-5515
http://www.bradleybirth.com/ndweb.asp?ID=O123&Count=N
>From: "Cara" <casonnier@...>_________________________________________________________________
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Newbie with question...
>Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 23:37:48 -0000
>
>The problems occur regarding the computer and television. Now my
>children both love playing games online and on the computer and love
>watching TV (like Animal Planet for my youngest), but my oldest
>sometimes refuses to share.
>
Get real-time traffic reports with Windows Live Local Search
http://local.live.com/default.aspx?v=2&cp=42.336065~-109.392273&style=r&lvl=4&scene=3712634&trfc=1
Melissa
Also consider other options, like buying another computer or tv...it
sounds expensive but if you are committed to making it work, you can
find good deals. We just got a TV for the girls' room for $25, and a
portable DVD player for Breanna by filling out a survey. Local
schools and universities, often sell overstock, and we bought our
last computer for $35. Craigslist is another way to find cheap stuff,
and there is always freecyclewhich is, of course, free. ;-)
Just something to consider, rather than trying to enforce them sharing.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
sounds expensive but if you are committed to making it work, you can
find good deals. We just got a TV for the girls' room for $25, and a
portable DVD player for Breanna by filling out a survey. Local
schools and universities, often sell overstock, and we bought our
last computer for $35. Craigslist is another way to find cheap stuff,
and there is always freecyclewhich is, of course, free. ;-)
Just something to consider, rather than trying to enforce them sharing.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Aug 31, 2006, at 11:53 AM, Lesa ODaniel wrote:
> Maybe your daughters will have some input that you haven't thought
> of...
> Have you asked them if they have any ideas for how to solve this
> issue?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Cara
> Also consider other options, like buying another computer or tv...We can't afford it right now.. but I keep posting on Freecycle for
another computer (since that seems to be their favorite)
Thanks for the idea...
Cara :)
Cara
Thanks for the suggestions. I guess it will take some time to adjust
to the new way of doing things.
I will check out the book that was mentioned and ask the girls if they
have solutions to the computer/tv sharing.
Cara :)
to the new way of doing things.
I will check out the book that was mentioned and ask the girls if they
have solutions to the computer/tv sharing.
Cara :)