Suggestions for my dilemma? sorry... long
Tonya Matthews
Hi,
I've posted here before so I hope my story is a bit familiar. It's a
lengthy one but I'll try to make it brief.
My oldest son, Christian/11, attended school through to the 4th
grade. He has been tested, diagnosed, medicated, tutored, in
therapy, in 'pull out'.. etc etc etc.
Let me talk about right now. We decided to homeschool him when he
was late to school EVERY day because he didn't want to go. He was
seriously depressed and suicidal. It was mostly because of the other
kids and not feeling like he fit in. He didn't necessarily mind the
teacher (liked her, actually) or the classroom learning style. We're
going on our second year at home. We've been deschooling and have
decided to unschool the kids after some soul searching.
We're not radical unschoolers completely, but that's just for a
frame of reference. I'm all over the place here, so forgive me, but
my thoughts are racing and I'm trying to get enough info out to get
some suggestions.
I believe in not "making" a child do things. Christian will often be
up late(1 am and beyond) and sleep until noon. I try to get him up
by noonish (if there's no where we have plans to be). Yesterday, I
couldn't get him to rouse so I let him sleep. At 3:30 a friend
called and invited us over to shoot off rockets. I woke Christian
and told him and asked him if he wanted to go. Firstly, he was upset
that it was 3:30 and that he'd missed so much of the day. Secondly,
he didn't know if he wanted to go. I, in my heart, felt that he was
rather depressed and was reluctant to go because of that. I know him
enough to know that he'd typically really enjoy this activity. I
urged him to shower and said that that would probably make him feel
better and then he could decide. He did that, he hemmed and hawed
and stressed over his decision. I told him we would all go and if he
wanted to leave, we'd leave. So we went. He had a fabulous time, as
we all did, and we came home.
I'll leave out the rest because I want to try to get to my point.
When he was stressing over whether he should go or not, we touched
on the idea that maybe he needs things to do, scheduled things, that
he enjoys to help him through the week. My two boys are signed up to
start Karate in Sept. They both are excited to start this. Christian
is a little fretful because he saw his blackbelt bound friend and
thought it looked too hard. I did let him know that you don't START
out that way, you work up to it. We also have a group we belong to
that has some structured activities. I know.. not unschooly of me..
but the kids really enjoy it.
This is my question. Christian, if he keeps along the same way he's
always been, will want to sign up for these things and then give me
a LOT of trouble about going the day of the event. He has a very
difficult time with transitions, typically. Lots of times he'll
fight me about going, he'll balk and complain the whole way and then
dig his heels in about joining in. Then, once he joins in and the
event is over, he'll thank me, he'll apologize for having been
difficult and he'll be in a super mood.
What do I do with this? I'll admit, I used to 'make' him do whatever
it was .. most of the time. He clearly needs activities to help him
feel upbeat, have something to look forward to, etc. He felt awful
today when I came back home and found him sleeping and it was 3pm. I
had tried to wake him before I left and so did my husband, to no
avail. He even went so far to say he hated himself.
So what I'm asking is what do I do when he balks about doing
something when I know he enjoys it and will enjoy it after?
Thanks in advance,
Just one more fyi, he is on Zoloft for depression and anxiety.
Warm regards,
Tonya
I've posted here before so I hope my story is a bit familiar. It's a
lengthy one but I'll try to make it brief.
My oldest son, Christian/11, attended school through to the 4th
grade. He has been tested, diagnosed, medicated, tutored, in
therapy, in 'pull out'.. etc etc etc.
Let me talk about right now. We decided to homeschool him when he
was late to school EVERY day because he didn't want to go. He was
seriously depressed and suicidal. It was mostly because of the other
kids and not feeling like he fit in. He didn't necessarily mind the
teacher (liked her, actually) or the classroom learning style. We're
going on our second year at home. We've been deschooling and have
decided to unschool the kids after some soul searching.
We're not radical unschoolers completely, but that's just for a
frame of reference. I'm all over the place here, so forgive me, but
my thoughts are racing and I'm trying to get enough info out to get
some suggestions.
I believe in not "making" a child do things. Christian will often be
up late(1 am and beyond) and sleep until noon. I try to get him up
by noonish (if there's no where we have plans to be). Yesterday, I
couldn't get him to rouse so I let him sleep. At 3:30 a friend
called and invited us over to shoot off rockets. I woke Christian
and told him and asked him if he wanted to go. Firstly, he was upset
that it was 3:30 and that he'd missed so much of the day. Secondly,
he didn't know if he wanted to go. I, in my heart, felt that he was
rather depressed and was reluctant to go because of that. I know him
enough to know that he'd typically really enjoy this activity. I
urged him to shower and said that that would probably make him feel
better and then he could decide. He did that, he hemmed and hawed
and stressed over his decision. I told him we would all go and if he
wanted to leave, we'd leave. So we went. He had a fabulous time, as
we all did, and we came home.
I'll leave out the rest because I want to try to get to my point.
When he was stressing over whether he should go or not, we touched
on the idea that maybe he needs things to do, scheduled things, that
he enjoys to help him through the week. My two boys are signed up to
start Karate in Sept. They both are excited to start this. Christian
is a little fretful because he saw his blackbelt bound friend and
thought it looked too hard. I did let him know that you don't START
out that way, you work up to it. We also have a group we belong to
that has some structured activities. I know.. not unschooly of me..
but the kids really enjoy it.
This is my question. Christian, if he keeps along the same way he's
always been, will want to sign up for these things and then give me
a LOT of trouble about going the day of the event. He has a very
difficult time with transitions, typically. Lots of times he'll
fight me about going, he'll balk and complain the whole way and then
dig his heels in about joining in. Then, once he joins in and the
event is over, he'll thank me, he'll apologize for having been
difficult and he'll be in a super mood.
What do I do with this? I'll admit, I used to 'make' him do whatever
it was .. most of the time. He clearly needs activities to help him
feel upbeat, have something to look forward to, etc. He felt awful
today when I came back home and found him sleeping and it was 3pm. I
had tried to wake him before I left and so did my husband, to no
avail. He even went so far to say he hated himself.
So what I'm asking is what do I do when he balks about doing
something when I know he enjoys it and will enjoy it after?
Thanks in advance,
Just one more fyi, he is on Zoloft for depression and anxiety.
Warm regards,
Tonya
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 8/22/06, Tonya Matthews <godzilla.matthews@...> wrote:
help him feel upbeat. Not things and activities are just active
things. No different really than a book, game, toy, or other object.
Just something to think about.
OK, now some other thoughts. Your son was upset that he slept so late
and "missed" much of the day. Three things keep running through my
head. 1. Does he have an alarm clock of his own that he can control
when he wakes up? Can he determine when he would like to get up using
an alarm clock. I believe I bought an inexpensive radio alarm clock
for less than $10 a few years back. 2. What does he feel he is
"missing" by sleeping so late? Is it a show on tv that could be
recorded? Is it the notion that daytime is active time? Can you help
him see that whenever he is awake things are going to happen? 3.
Does his medication play a part in how he sleeps? Does it cause him
to sleep longer than normal or more deeply? Does it cause him to stay
up later than he would like (or his he just a night owl)? could the
time he takes it be changed so that he would naturally fall asleep
before midnight?
I have a child who used to be reluctant to join in things and then
afterwards was glad that she did. This has gone away since we started
learning to trust each other. She has gone from "No; I don't want to
do that even though it sounds like fun or is something I asked to do"
to "Sure; I'll give it a try because I know if I truly don't enjoy it
I know I don't have to finish or come back." Does your son have that
option? Does he have the option or not completing something or not
returning to something? Does he know he has this option? Have you
gone to activities where you and he could do things together? What
does *he* want to do? What are his interests? Doing things just to
do them is like collecting trading cards just to have them. If you
have no joy in the cards, no interest in them, no delight in finding
that rare foil card, just collect them "'cause" then what's the point?
Do you have a playgroup or homeschool group that you can hang out
with on a regular basis (preferably one that has unschoolers
attending)?
I know I am asking a lot of questions and they are mainly rhetorical.
They are for you to ponder and think about. I believe that one of the
biggest things when it comes to unschooling is trust. If your
children don't trust you they aren't going to trust themselves. Be
engaged in his world for a while. Stay up with him to 1 am and find
out what is so interesting for him at that time. Strew his interests
to help him expand his world.
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
> He clearly needs activities to help himThis really struck me. I'm not sure why. Your son needs *you* to
> feel upbeat, have something to look forward to, etc.
help him feel upbeat. Not things and activities are just active
things. No different really than a book, game, toy, or other object.
Just something to think about.
OK, now some other thoughts. Your son was upset that he slept so late
and "missed" much of the day. Three things keep running through my
head. 1. Does he have an alarm clock of his own that he can control
when he wakes up? Can he determine when he would like to get up using
an alarm clock. I believe I bought an inexpensive radio alarm clock
for less than $10 a few years back. 2. What does he feel he is
"missing" by sleeping so late? Is it a show on tv that could be
recorded? Is it the notion that daytime is active time? Can you help
him see that whenever he is awake things are going to happen? 3.
Does his medication play a part in how he sleeps? Does it cause him
to sleep longer than normal or more deeply? Does it cause him to stay
up later than he would like (or his he just a night owl)? could the
time he takes it be changed so that he would naturally fall asleep
before midnight?
I have a child who used to be reluctant to join in things and then
afterwards was glad that she did. This has gone away since we started
learning to trust each other. She has gone from "No; I don't want to
do that even though it sounds like fun or is something I asked to do"
to "Sure; I'll give it a try because I know if I truly don't enjoy it
I know I don't have to finish or come back." Does your son have that
option? Does he have the option or not completing something or not
returning to something? Does he know he has this option? Have you
gone to activities where you and he could do things together? What
does *he* want to do? What are his interests? Doing things just to
do them is like collecting trading cards just to have them. If you
have no joy in the cards, no interest in them, no delight in finding
that rare foil card, just collect them "'cause" then what's the point?
Do you have a playgroup or homeschool group that you can hang out
with on a regular basis (preferably one that has unschoolers
attending)?
I know I am asking a lot of questions and they are mainly rhetorical.
They are for you to ponder and think about. I believe that one of the
biggest things when it comes to unschooling is trust. If your
children don't trust you they aren't going to trust themselves. Be
engaged in his world for a while. Stay up with him to 1 am and find
out what is so interesting for him at that time. Strew his interests
to help him expand his world.
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
Tonya Matthews
--- In [email protected], "Michelle/Melbrigða"
<pamperedmichelle@...> wrote:
I'm not sure I agree, Michelle. Maybe you'd have to know my son to
know what I mean. I'm sure *I* could be more helpful to him but I
don't think there's much I can do to make him feel upbeat when I've
tried everything I know and he's still down. One thing that helps is
exactly what I said and to get him out and in an activity. Whether
that's going somewhere, shopping for something or having a friend
over. It used to be a shower/bath could change his mindset but not
so much anymore :-( When he's truly down and in a mood like that, I
try and try and so does my husband and we can't pull him out of it
sometimes.
I did call his therapist again and I'm going to talk to him in a
week. I think it's a combination of 'too much' relaxing and perhaps,
a new stage of deschooling. Many old behaviors have reared their
ugly head around here and it's making me, in turn, fall back on old
parenting behaviors(but I keep reading here and trying!!).
I'm going to be more mindful and try to consider each of my children
and their needs. It sure is a juggling act, as many of you know!
I appreciate the feedback and the food for thought.
Regards,
Tonya
<pamperedmichelle@...> wrote:
>object.
> On 8/22/06, Tonya Matthews <godzilla.matthews@...> wrote:
> > He clearly needs activities to help him
> > feel upbeat, have something to look forward to, etc.
>
> This really struck me. I'm not sure why. Your son needs *you* to
> help him feel upbeat. Not things and activities are just active
> things. No different really than a book, game, toy, or other
> Just something to think about.~~~~
I'm not sure I agree, Michelle. Maybe you'd have to know my son to
know what I mean. I'm sure *I* could be more helpful to him but I
don't think there's much I can do to make him feel upbeat when I've
tried everything I know and he's still down. One thing that helps is
exactly what I said and to get him out and in an activity. Whether
that's going somewhere, shopping for something or having a friend
over. It used to be a shower/bath could change his mindset but not
so much anymore :-( When he's truly down and in a mood like that, I
try and try and so does my husband and we can't pull him out of it
sometimes.
>rhetorical.
> I know I am asking a lot of questions and they are mainly
> They are for you to ponder and think about.~~~ I appreciate it and I've been thinking about all those questions.
I did call his therapist again and I'm going to talk to him in a
week. I think it's a combination of 'too much' relaxing and perhaps,
a new stage of deschooling. Many old behaviors have reared their
ugly head around here and it's making me, in turn, fall back on old
parenting behaviors(but I keep reading here and trying!!).
I'm going to be more mindful and try to consider each of my children
and their needs. It sure is a juggling act, as many of you know!
I appreciate the feedback and the food for thought.
Regards,
Tonya