negative attitude
John and Amanda Slater
I wanted to ask what you do about a negative attitude. We have been having problems with my 5 yo ds. Here's an example. I was clearing the table after dinner and asked him to help by putting a plate in the dishwasher. He says "I can't do this alone, it will take all day." Mind you, I was doing the rest and he just was asked to do one plate, since he was standing there. It is the same thing when he wants to build a train track for his Thomas Trains or Lincon logs, legos, imaginex. He cannot do it, he needs help. We have this come up several times every day. I usually try to be around, but I ready don't want to play trains by myself and it is even too hard to do, even with me. He is easily frustrated in many situations. I want to help him feel more confident and more independent.
Amanda
Eli 5 Samuel 3.5
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Amanda
Eli 5 Samuel 3.5
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camden
*****I wanted to ask what you do about a negative attitude*****
I have a 7yo who sounds just like your son. I don't have an answer for your son but I know when Coty says its too hard, its usually just because he wants company. If the other kids have gone to bed and he wants a track made he makes the most amazing tracks all by himself, so I know he can do it by himself, he just doesn't want to be alone.
Coty gets easily frustrated also, so I try & keep the frustrating activities to a minimum and if he wants to try something I think would be frustrating for him we try it together. Could it be your son is not being negative but is frustrated or just doesn't think he has the ability to do the task (?) before him?
Would it be possible to have an area where the tracks could be set up for a long period of time so he doesn't have to set them up everytime he wants to use them?
Even at 7 I love the fact that Coty is so dependant on me ;) My older kids are much more independant and I love having a little one ask me for help in his adventures. Maybe your son is just not ready to be more independant.
Carol
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I have a 7yo who sounds just like your son. I don't have an answer for your son but I know when Coty says its too hard, its usually just because he wants company. If the other kids have gone to bed and he wants a track made he makes the most amazing tracks all by himself, so I know he can do it by himself, he just doesn't want to be alone.
Coty gets easily frustrated also, so I try & keep the frustrating activities to a minimum and if he wants to try something I think would be frustrating for him we try it together. Could it be your son is not being negative but is frustrated or just doesn't think he has the ability to do the task (?) before him?
Would it be possible to have an area where the tracks could be set up for a long period of time so he doesn't have to set them up everytime he wants to use them?
Even at 7 I love the fact that Coty is so dependant on me ;) My older kids are much more independant and I love having a little one ask me for help in his adventures. Maybe your son is just not ready to be more independant.
Carol
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Lisa H
The first thought that came to mind is why this is perceived as a negative attitude? Maybe it's just not a clear communication of his desire. Perhaps he doesn't want to put his dish in the dishwasher. Is he allowed to say no? As for the toys, wow, he's asking to engage with you. He needs your assistance. A time will come when he won't ask for your help. The last thing i would want is to turn my daughter away from feeling comfortable asking me for help with anything. It doesn't always mean i'm always able to drop everything and help at that very moment but i wouldn't want her to not trust that i am available to her when she needs help.
<<I want to help him feel more confident and more independent. >>
I think confidence comes from being respected. If his request for help or his declining to help you is not respected he is being judged negatively. Perhaps the negative attitude is not your 5yo sons at all <g>. As for independence, is pushing someone towards something really independence? Is moving someone in a direction they are not ready or willing to do really independence? Is behavior as a result of being manipulated really independence? I think an unschooled child does become independent because they know what is it to be trusted and respected and valued. Not manipulated, pushed or devalued.
He is so young. I would respond positively to him with a loving gentle voice. Watch out for your expectations of what you think he should be doing or not doing. He will surprise you.
Its a wonderful journey.
Lisa Heyman
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<<I want to help him feel more confident and more independent. >>
I think confidence comes from being respected. If his request for help or his declining to help you is not respected he is being judged negatively. Perhaps the negative attitude is not your 5yo sons at all <g>. As for independence, is pushing someone towards something really independence? Is moving someone in a direction they are not ready or willing to do really independence? Is behavior as a result of being manipulated really independence? I think an unschooled child does become independent because they know what is it to be trusted and respected and valued. Not manipulated, pushed or devalued.
He is so young. I would respond positively to him with a loving gentle voice. Watch out for your expectations of what you think he should be doing or not doing. He will surprise you.
Its a wonderful journey.
Lisa Heyman
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dana_burdick
There are several things here that I would like to comment on.
First, you have labeled your son's reactions as a `negative
attitude'. Instead of seeing this as an attitude problem it might
be more helpful to see his reaction as an attempt to communicate his
needs. `Negative Attitude' makes it sound like he is not trying his
best or is being lazy.
Second, I question lumping together the help he needs when playing
legos etc. and the help he needs when putting a dish away. It is
unlikely that he is motivated in the same way when doing these two
activities. Being asked or told to put a dish away is very
different than sitting down to some legos to play. Perhaps each
problem should be addressed separately.
"Mind you, I was doing the rest and
he just was asked to do one plate, since he was standing there."
What is your motive for asking your son to put away a dish? Was it
really because he was standing there? Or, is it for some other
reason? Do you wish for him to participate in family chores? Do
you think that putting away a dish will make him more independent?
More confident? Are you using this to get your five year old to
recognize just how hard it is being a mom/grown up?
What did you say to him right after he said it would take all day?
Did your words validate or invalidate his feelings?
Most importantly, can your son say, `No', without being made to feel
guilty or ashamed? If the putting the plate away comes piled with
guilt/shame/lack of choice, then perhaps moving all those ucky
feelings along with it _does_ seem as if it will take all day.
I would just feel fabulous if I could say no and my Mom made me feel
that it was ok. Alternatively, I can imagine how much lighter the
task would be for me if I got help with the plate when asked to put
it away. If you and he work together, the plate may become a moment
to share and not an object of struggle.
"I want to help him feel more confident and more
independent."
Five is so very young to put such heavy words on a little one such
as confidence and independence. Hold him, play with him and drink in
every moment of him. These things will give him the firm foundation
to become confident and independent in his own time.
I know how difficult it can be when a little one is frustrated with
his play things and wants you to be right at his side. My son would
spend hours lining up hot-wheels cars up in rows and demand that I
be present and want me to occasionally place a car myself. There
was one car that was very difficult to tell its front from its back
and I made the mistake of lining it up wrong one day. My son cried
for an hour (or at least it seemed as long). Those were trying
days, but I would never have wanted him to be more independent. He
needed me right there for every car and every row.
-Dana
First, you have labeled your son's reactions as a `negative
attitude'. Instead of seeing this as an attitude problem it might
be more helpful to see his reaction as an attempt to communicate his
needs. `Negative Attitude' makes it sound like he is not trying his
best or is being lazy.
Second, I question lumping together the help he needs when playing
legos etc. and the help he needs when putting a dish away. It is
unlikely that he is motivated in the same way when doing these two
activities. Being asked or told to put a dish away is very
different than sitting down to some legos to play. Perhaps each
problem should be addressed separately.
"Mind you, I was doing the rest and
he just was asked to do one plate, since he was standing there."
What is your motive for asking your son to put away a dish? Was it
really because he was standing there? Or, is it for some other
reason? Do you wish for him to participate in family chores? Do
you think that putting away a dish will make him more independent?
More confident? Are you using this to get your five year old to
recognize just how hard it is being a mom/grown up?
What did you say to him right after he said it would take all day?
Did your words validate or invalidate his feelings?
Most importantly, can your son say, `No', without being made to feel
guilty or ashamed? If the putting the plate away comes piled with
guilt/shame/lack of choice, then perhaps moving all those ucky
feelings along with it _does_ seem as if it will take all day.
I would just feel fabulous if I could say no and my Mom made me feel
that it was ok. Alternatively, I can imagine how much lighter the
task would be for me if I got help with the plate when asked to put
it away. If you and he work together, the plate may become a moment
to share and not an object of struggle.
"I want to help him feel more confident and more
independent."
Five is so very young to put such heavy words on a little one such
as confidence and independence. Hold him, play with him and drink in
every moment of him. These things will give him the firm foundation
to become confident and independent in his own time.
I know how difficult it can be when a little one is frustrated with
his play things and wants you to be right at his side. My son would
spend hours lining up hot-wheels cars up in rows and demand that I
be present and want me to occasionally place a car myself. There
was one car that was very difficult to tell its front from its back
and I made the mistake of lining it up wrong one day. My son cried
for an hour (or at least it seemed as long). Those were trying
days, but I would never have wanted him to be more independent. He
needed me right there for every car and every row.
-Dana
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 8/21/06, John and Amanda Slater <fourslaterz@...> wrote:
One of the "epiphanies" that I had when I worked through the whole
"getting the kids to help" issue was "how much time would it take me
to just put his plate in the dishwasher vs. how much time and much
negativity am I creating in trying to get them to do it instead."
9.99 times out of 10 it was quicker and easier and less stressful for
*all* if I just did it.
I knew a lady who bought a cheap set of wood trains and glued them to
a piece of sanded plywood (I want to say she put something around the
edges as well) for her children when they were really younger. She
made sure that it has crossings and overpasses and places to
"uncouple" trains but it was big enough and simple enough that they
could move the cars around and do imagination play. As they got older
and were better able to engineer the rails to do what they wanted them
to then she pulled out the huge (and ever growing) box of wooden
rails. The other thing that was nice about this is that it slid under
their beds so it stored easily even if they left it scattered. She
could easily just dump everything onto the plywood and slide it under
the bed.
I know that there are "rail design programs" on the internet that tell
you how to build different configurations. I haven't been to one in
many years, but remember finding them when Keon was wanting
"blueprints" like his daddy's model railroads. Sometimes though, you
can find unique ways to foster self confidence by helping them. Help
him sort his rails into different sizes and shapes, show him how the
small curves make tight circles and the large curves make big circles
and how switching them around you can make S's or other squiggles.
See how long you can make a track through your house without going in
a circle (something that still gets done here and it surprises me how
many feet of track we actually own!)
While you may not have an interest in playing with trains your son
does. Get excited about his world. Strew trains for him! Find out
from a local terminal or railyard when trains come through and couple
and uncouple and see if you can arrange to go watch it (even if just
from a safe distance). Once, though, I took my son to a lumber yard
that had deliveries and the owner let us go and sit on one of the
delivery docks and watch the trains back up and uncouple. Very cool
day and all the lumber yard workers were about as fascinated as Keon
was!
By appreciating his world he will learn to appreciate his abilities!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
> I wanted to ask what you do about a negative attitude. We have been having problems with my 5 yo ds. Here's an example. I was clearing the table after dinner and asked him to help by putting a plate in the dishwasher. He says "I can't do this alone, it will take all day." Mind you, I was doing the rest and he just was asked to do one plate, since he was standing there.*********************
One of the "epiphanies" that I had when I worked through the whole
"getting the kids to help" issue was "how much time would it take me
to just put his plate in the dishwasher vs. how much time and much
negativity am I creating in trying to get them to do it instead."
9.99 times out of 10 it was quicker and easier and less stressful for
*all* if I just did it.
> It is the same thing when he wants to build a train track for his Thomas Trains or Lincon logs, legos, imaginex. He cannot do it, he needs help. We have this come up several times every day. I usually try to be around, but I ready don't want to play trains by myself and it is even too hard to do, even with me.******************
I knew a lady who bought a cheap set of wood trains and glued them to
a piece of sanded plywood (I want to say she put something around the
edges as well) for her children when they were really younger. She
made sure that it has crossings and overpasses and places to
"uncouple" trains but it was big enough and simple enough that they
could move the cars around and do imagination play. As they got older
and were better able to engineer the rails to do what they wanted them
to then she pulled out the huge (and ever growing) box of wooden
rails. The other thing that was nice about this is that it slid under
their beds so it stored easily even if they left it scattered. She
could easily just dump everything onto the plywood and slide it under
the bed.
I know that there are "rail design programs" on the internet that tell
you how to build different configurations. I haven't been to one in
many years, but remember finding them when Keon was wanting
"blueprints" like his daddy's model railroads. Sometimes though, you
can find unique ways to foster self confidence by helping them. Help
him sort his rails into different sizes and shapes, show him how the
small curves make tight circles and the large curves make big circles
and how switching them around you can make S's or other squiggles.
See how long you can make a track through your house without going in
a circle (something that still gets done here and it surprises me how
many feet of track we actually own!)
While you may not have an interest in playing with trains your son
does. Get excited about his world. Strew trains for him! Find out
from a local terminal or railyard when trains come through and couple
and uncouple and see if you can arrange to go watch it (even if just
from a safe distance). Once, though, I took my son to a lumber yard
that had deliveries and the owner let us go and sit on one of the
delivery docks and watch the trains back up and uncouple. Very cool
day and all the lumber yard workers were about as fascinated as Keon
was!
By appreciating his world he will learn to appreciate his abilities!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
Ren Allen
"One of the "epiphanies" that I had when I worked through the whole
"getting the kids to help" issue was "how much time would it take me
to just put his plate in the dishwasher vs. how much time and much
negativity am I creating in trying to get them to do it instead."
9.99 times out of 10 it was quicker and easier and less stressful for
*all* if I just did it."
Oh yes!! I talked about that in Peabody (I think?) how Markus would
stand in the kitchen hollering for whoever left the mayonaisse out to
come put it away. He was standing right next to the fridge!! I pointed
out how much energy it was taking to track down the culprit vs. just
putting it AWAY. Duh.
When he started asking "who left this out" I would say "I don't know,
but it's sure quick to put it away" and I'd put it away. He doesn't do
that anymore.;) At least not very often.
I think it pays to look at motivation. If we're asking our kids to do
something to "teach" them responsibility instead of honestly needing
help, they'll pick up on that hypocrisy and resist (smart beings that
they are). If we truly and honestly could use the help and are willing
to help them whenever they need it, they learn over time how to work
with their family.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
"getting the kids to help" issue was "how much time would it take me
to just put his plate in the dishwasher vs. how much time and much
negativity am I creating in trying to get them to do it instead."
9.99 times out of 10 it was quicker and easier and less stressful for
*all* if I just did it."
Oh yes!! I talked about that in Peabody (I think?) how Markus would
stand in the kitchen hollering for whoever left the mayonaisse out to
come put it away. He was standing right next to the fridge!! I pointed
out how much energy it was taking to track down the culprit vs. just
putting it AWAY. Duh.
When he started asking "who left this out" I would say "I don't know,
but it's sure quick to put it away" and I'd put it away. He doesn't do
that anymore.;) At least not very often.
I think it pays to look at motivation. If we're asking our kids to do
something to "teach" them responsibility instead of honestly needing
help, they'll pick up on that hypocrisy and resist (smart beings that
they are). If we truly and honestly could use the help and are willing
to help them whenever they need it, they learn over time how to work
with their family.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
John and Amanda Slater
camden <ccoutlaw@...> wrote:
he just doesn't want to be alone.
****I know he does not want to be alone, BUT I sometimes do. I think this is sometimes a problem. I am working on finding a balance so I do not go crazy by the end of the day.
Would it be possible to have an area where the tracks could be set up for a long period of time so he doesn't have to set them up everytime he wants to use them?
*** We do have a room just for trains, but the tracks get broken or he wants them different.
Even at 7 I love the fact that Coty is so dependant on me ;) My older kids are much more independant and I love having a little one ask me for help in his adventures. Maybe your son is just not ready to be more independant.
***I try to remember that this is a phase and I will miss it. Most of the time I can, but when it happens a few times an hour all day, I have trouble.
You mentioned you son is like this, what do you do when he gets to frustrated and you can't be there immediately? I would love to teach him how to calm himself down, so he can problem solve a little.
Amanda
Eli 5 Samuel 3.5
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he just doesn't want to be alone.
****I know he does not want to be alone, BUT I sometimes do. I think this is sometimes a problem. I am working on finding a balance so I do not go crazy by the end of the day.
Would it be possible to have an area where the tracks could be set up for a long period of time so he doesn't have to set them up everytime he wants to use them?
*** We do have a room just for trains, but the tracks get broken or he wants them different.
Even at 7 I love the fact that Coty is so dependant on me ;) My older kids are much more independant and I love having a little one ask me for help in his adventures. Maybe your son is just not ready to be more independant.
***I try to remember that this is a phase and I will miss it. Most of the time I can, but when it happens a few times an hour all day, I have trouble.
You mentioned you son is like this, what do you do when he gets to frustrated and you can't be there immediately? I would love to teach him how to calm himself down, so he can problem solve a little.
Amanda
Eli 5 Samuel 3.5
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Aug 21, 2006, at 10:31 AM, John and Amanda Slater wrote:
them* are just as valid as our own are to us. Regardless of how small
the plate felt to you to *him* the plate felt like a big thing. And
it may not have been the plate itself that felt big, but the plate
may have felt like the final straw that was being placed on his back.
His reaction may have been to the weight of all the straws of things
he's been asked to do rather than to one particular straw. It's a
wake up call.
If we want them to treat our feelings with respect, we need to treat
their feelings with respect. A better response would be to say with a
smile, "Oh, I'm sorry! Let me help you with that then!"
If you were feeling overwhelmed wouldn't that be what you'd want to
hear? Model it for him :-)
Maybe an older, homeschooled child you could pay who could come by
once or a few times a week specifically to play trains with him?
I think it's easy to dismiss their needs as being burdensome, but it
often helps to picture someone else -- some stranger perhaps -- who
will say "Sure, I'll help you with that."
When we push our children's needs away the children will eventually
stop asking because they give up on us. But the needs don't go away.
And the kids become vulnerable to those who *will* say "I
understand." and "Let me help you with that."
Be the one who helps him and he won't be needful of strangers who
will help him.
Yes, that's a bit extreme. I don't think not playing trains for the
10th time in the day will cause him to be vulnerable to predators!
But I do think the more they feel they're our top proiority, the more
they're feel the answer to their questions will very likely be "I'd
love to help!" the more full they'll be and the less likely they'll
be looking elsewhere to get filled up and they'll also be more
accepting of the times when we say "I have to finish this first. I'll
be there in half an hour." (And set a timer and *be* there in half an
hour even if you're not done.)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> He says "I can't do this alone, it will take all day."Has he heard you say that?
> Mind you, I was doing the rest and he just was asked to do onePart of mindful parenting is acknowledging that our kids feelings *to
> plate, since he was standing there.
them* are just as valid as our own are to us. Regardless of how small
the plate felt to you to *him* the plate felt like a big thing. And
it may not have been the plate itself that felt big, but the plate
may have felt like the final straw that was being placed on his back.
His reaction may have been to the weight of all the straws of things
he's been asked to do rather than to one particular straw. It's a
wake up call.
If we want them to treat our feelings with respect, we need to treat
their feelings with respect. A better response would be to say with a
smile, "Oh, I'm sorry! Let me help you with that then!"
If you were feeling overwhelmed wouldn't that be what you'd want to
hear? Model it for him :-)
> It is the same thing when he wants to build a train track for hisIs there a neighborhood child who could come in to play with him?
> Thomas Trains or Lincon logs, legos, imaginex. He cannot do it, he
> needs help.
Maybe an older, homeschooled child you could pay who could come by
once or a few times a week specifically to play trains with him?
I think it's easy to dismiss their needs as being burdensome, but it
often helps to picture someone else -- some stranger perhaps -- who
will say "Sure, I'll help you with that."
When we push our children's needs away the children will eventually
stop asking because they give up on us. But the needs don't go away.
And the kids become vulnerable to those who *will* say "I
understand." and "Let me help you with that."
Be the one who helps him and he won't be needful of strangers who
will help him.
Yes, that's a bit extreme. I don't think not playing trains for the
10th time in the day will cause him to be vulnerable to predators!
But I do think the more they feel they're our top proiority, the more
they're feel the answer to their questions will very likely be "I'd
love to help!" the more full they'll be and the less likely they'll
be looking elsewhere to get filled up and they'll also be more
accepting of the times when we say "I have to finish this first. I'll
be there in half an hour." (And set a timer and *be* there in half an
hour even if you're not done.)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Aug 21, 2006, at 6:56 PM, Lisa H wrote:
A message we pick up from society is that a "polite" way of
expressing a command is to frame it as a question.
But it's really a big lie. If a child can't say "No," then it isn't a
question. It's a command.
How many times have parents complained about a child not doing
something "But I asked politely!"
If it's a question then no is as legitimate an answer as yes.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Is he allowed to say no?That's a good point.
A message we pick up from society is that a "polite" way of
expressing a command is to frame it as a question.
But it's really a big lie. If a child can't say "No," then it isn't a
question. It's a command.
How many times have parents complained about a child not doing
something "But I asked politely!"
If it's a question then no is as legitimate an answer as yes.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
camden
****I know he does not want to be alone, BUT I sometimes do*****
This may sound rough but there will come a time when you are alone. Your kids will be all grown, have lives of their own and you will have days when you wish for the company of an inquisitive (even "demanding") youngster. I am very rarely alone ( I even have people look for me when I make a 30 second run for the bathroom;).
I have 6 very energetic, inquisitive, marvelous kids living at home so I'm not sure I'll ever have an empty home ;) My "alone" time is usually right now (a.m.). Maybe you could work around the kids sleep time? That way you get your time & you're refreshed for when they need you.
****You mentioned you son is like this, what do you do when he gets to frustrated and you can't be there immediately?****
To be honest, I drop what I'm doing & go help him. I really try during the day not to get involved in something I cannot leave at a moments notice. I find with Coty that the longer he has to wait for that help the longer it takes him to calm down.
I have other kids here so they help out at times but I can't expect or totally depend on them to be able to help the situation. Sometimes its just a matter of ME being there. When I find Coty is getting frustrated with something first I try & help out but if that doesn't work, I work on getting his attention on something else. Sometimes I go thru 10 things before we find one thing that works.
A song ( loud singing & crazy dancing;), a book, making cookies, my new rocking chair works great, a massage - sometimes I do him & sometimes he wants to do me !, something he can take his frustration out on (punching bag, smashing crackers for a future casserole, even ripping up newspaper works), we've even had an indoor "snowball" fight with balls of newspaper, and best of all lots of really big hugs !!
If you can find someone else to help out that would be great if he just needs help, but sometimes there is no substitute for MOM ;)
**** We do have a room just for trains, but the tracks get broken or he wants them different.****
Coty's favorite thing is making new tracks. Sometimes he makes the tracks & doesn't even run the trains on them. Its just the idea of making & figuring out a new combination.
Carol
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
This may sound rough but there will come a time when you are alone. Your kids will be all grown, have lives of their own and you will have days when you wish for the company of an inquisitive (even "demanding") youngster. I am very rarely alone ( I even have people look for me when I make a 30 second run for the bathroom;).
I have 6 very energetic, inquisitive, marvelous kids living at home so I'm not sure I'll ever have an empty home ;) My "alone" time is usually right now (a.m.). Maybe you could work around the kids sleep time? That way you get your time & you're refreshed for when they need you.
****You mentioned you son is like this, what do you do when he gets to frustrated and you can't be there immediately?****
To be honest, I drop what I'm doing & go help him. I really try during the day not to get involved in something I cannot leave at a moments notice. I find with Coty that the longer he has to wait for that help the longer it takes him to calm down.
I have other kids here so they help out at times but I can't expect or totally depend on them to be able to help the situation. Sometimes its just a matter of ME being there. When I find Coty is getting frustrated with something first I try & help out but if that doesn't work, I work on getting his attention on something else. Sometimes I go thru 10 things before we find one thing that works.
A song ( loud singing & crazy dancing;), a book, making cookies, my new rocking chair works great, a massage - sometimes I do him & sometimes he wants to do me !, something he can take his frustration out on (punching bag, smashing crackers for a future casserole, even ripping up newspaper works), we've even had an indoor "snowball" fight with balls of newspaper, and best of all lots of really big hugs !!
If you can find someone else to help out that would be great if he just needs help, but sometimes there is no substitute for MOM ;)
**** We do have a room just for trains, but the tracks get broken or he wants them different.****
Coty's favorite thing is making new tracks. Sometimes he makes the tracks & doesn't even run the trains on them. Its just the idea of making & figuring out a new combination.
Carol
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: ccoutlaw@...
****I know he does not want to be alone, BUT I sometimes do*****
This may sound rough but there will come a time when you are alone.
Your kids
will be all grown, have lives of their own and you will have days when
you wish
for the company of an inquisitive (even "demanding") youngster.
-=-=-=-
This may sound even rougher:
There could come a time when he's not there at all. When I'm having
moments when I just wish Duncan would go away, I think about Lisa
Strebler, Joanna Wilkinson, and Diana Jenner. They each lost a child.
At five (car wreck), at eight (falling through ice), and at nine
(leukemia).
There's *nothing* that brings me back to what's important faster than
thinking---for just a moment: "What would I do without him?" "What if
he weren't here at all?"
Slams me right back into the "now" in the blink of an eye.
*I* need LOTS of alone time. Duncan needs LOTS of stimulation and to
be surrounded by friends. One family just moved to Atlanta---took
*three* of his friends! I've had to be more available lately---*just*
when I need MORE alone time. It's really hard. It makes me *very*
tired. I can do small spurts of it, but day after day after day is
very, very hard for me. The team's been and continues to be stretched
thin: Ben's working longer days lately, and Cameron just left for a
week in Oregon---they've been very unavailable for him too lately. It's
all fallen on me.
Duncan's ten, so it's a bit easier than with a five year old! <g> I
can ask him to play upstairs a few hours and let me have a few
uninterrupted hours to myself. August has turned into
"Get-it-yourself-month" around here---I've asked him to cut down on the
"Mom, can you get me..." requests and just come down and get things
he's capable of.
But the advice you've already gotten---to fill him UP---helps a bunch.
I asked for a few hours to myself yesterday, but only *after* we'd
spent the day together shopping and running errands. Plus, his new iPod
arrived yesterday, so he could play with that (AFTER *I* had downloaded
a bunch of songs for him! <g>). We're leaving in a bit today for
Carowinds (theme park), where he and I will play all day together. That
time totally devoted to HIM will fill him for a while (drain me! <g>).
But he will get what he needs of me, wholly and completely, which will
also allow me to have some quiet time alone. When *he* is filled up, he
can allow *me* to fill up. It's a dance. Not as easy a dance to learn
as the one with my older son, who has the same temperament that I do!
<G> But we manage.
My guess (because I've been there! <G>) is that you're thinking of him
as a burden. Really and truly---just changing *your* thinking will
change the way *he* acts!
Know that every moment could be your last. Start enjoying the time you
*do* spend with him---TRULY enjoying that time, and he'll start needing
you less. Well, it'll *seem* that way. He'll still need you, but he
won't BE as *needy*.
AND...he gets older every single day. "This too will pass"---better
carve it on your forehead or tattoo it on your ass... <g> Nothing lasts
forever---enjoy each moment you DO have!
OH! Are you coming to the conference? Diana's talking specifically
about this subject!!!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
From: ccoutlaw@...
****I know he does not want to be alone, BUT I sometimes do*****
This may sound rough but there will come a time when you are alone.
Your kids
will be all grown, have lives of their own and you will have days when
you wish
for the company of an inquisitive (even "demanding") youngster.
-=-=-=-
This may sound even rougher:
There could come a time when he's not there at all. When I'm having
moments when I just wish Duncan would go away, I think about Lisa
Strebler, Joanna Wilkinson, and Diana Jenner. They each lost a child.
At five (car wreck), at eight (falling through ice), and at nine
(leukemia).
There's *nothing* that brings me back to what's important faster than
thinking---for just a moment: "What would I do without him?" "What if
he weren't here at all?"
Slams me right back into the "now" in the blink of an eye.
*I* need LOTS of alone time. Duncan needs LOTS of stimulation and to
be surrounded by friends. One family just moved to Atlanta---took
*three* of his friends! I've had to be more available lately---*just*
when I need MORE alone time. It's really hard. It makes me *very*
tired. I can do small spurts of it, but day after day after day is
very, very hard for me. The team's been and continues to be stretched
thin: Ben's working longer days lately, and Cameron just left for a
week in Oregon---they've been very unavailable for him too lately. It's
all fallen on me.
Duncan's ten, so it's a bit easier than with a five year old! <g> I
can ask him to play upstairs a few hours and let me have a few
uninterrupted hours to myself. August has turned into
"Get-it-yourself-month" around here---I've asked him to cut down on the
"Mom, can you get me..." requests and just come down and get things
he's capable of.
But the advice you've already gotten---to fill him UP---helps a bunch.
I asked for a few hours to myself yesterday, but only *after* we'd
spent the day together shopping and running errands. Plus, his new iPod
arrived yesterday, so he could play with that (AFTER *I* had downloaded
a bunch of songs for him! <g>). We're leaving in a bit today for
Carowinds (theme park), where he and I will play all day together. That
time totally devoted to HIM will fill him for a while (drain me! <g>).
But he will get what he needs of me, wholly and completely, which will
also allow me to have some quiet time alone. When *he* is filled up, he
can allow *me* to fill up. It's a dance. Not as easy a dance to learn
as the one with my older son, who has the same temperament that I do!
<G> But we manage.
My guess (because I've been there! <G>) is that you're thinking of him
as a burden. Really and truly---just changing *your* thinking will
change the way *he* acts!
Know that every moment could be your last. Start enjoying the time you
*do* spend with him---TRULY enjoying that time, and he'll start needing
you less. Well, it'll *seem* that way. He'll still need you, but he
won't BE as *needy*.
AND...he gets older every single day. "This too will pass"---better
carve it on your forehead or tattoo it on your ass... <g> Nothing lasts
forever---enjoy each moment you DO have!
OH! Are you coming to the conference? Diana's talking specifically
about this subject!!!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
Amy Mason
<<There could come a time when he's not there at all. When I'm having
moments when I just wish Duncan would go away, I think about Lisa
Strebler, Joanna Wilkinson, and Diana Jenner. They each lost a child.
At five (car wreck), at eight (falling through ice), and at nine
(leukemia).>>
My trick is in the morning, or at some point in time when they are all
upstairs, I sit in my rocking chair and imagine each child coming
downstairs as they would five years from now, or ten years from now...I
play that scene over in my head and then when one does awaken and come
down, poof! I'm back in time with my precious children who are growing
too fast each day.
<<Know that every moment could be your last. Start enjoying the time you
*do* spend with him---TRULY enjoying that time, and he'll start needing
you less. Well, it'll *seem* that way. He'll still need you, but he
won't BE as *needy*.>>>
Since we've incorporated the "stay up as late as you want" I've gone
through a major change as far as really missing my time alone in the
peace and quiet to loving to read to them a little longer or playing
cards or watching movies later than we ever did. I'm trying to get my
dh into that same gear...he's still grumpy because he doesn't have alone
time with me but I keep telling him that "this too shall pass"...advice
my dear ole'ma always said. We'll miss it when the house is all quiet
and it's just us.
I gotta go find my kids because this is bringing tears to my eyes :-(
It's hard sometimes but we've got to ENJOY THE NOW!
Amy in Charles Town
moments when I just wish Duncan would go away, I think about Lisa
Strebler, Joanna Wilkinson, and Diana Jenner. They each lost a child.
At five (car wreck), at eight (falling through ice), and at nine
(leukemia).>>
My trick is in the morning, or at some point in time when they are all
upstairs, I sit in my rocking chair and imagine each child coming
downstairs as they would five years from now, or ten years from now...I
play that scene over in my head and then when one does awaken and come
down, poof! I'm back in time with my precious children who are growing
too fast each day.
<<Know that every moment could be your last. Start enjoying the time you
*do* spend with him---TRULY enjoying that time, and he'll start needing
you less. Well, it'll *seem* that way. He'll still need you, but he
won't BE as *needy*.>>>
Since we've incorporated the "stay up as late as you want" I've gone
through a major change as far as really missing my time alone in the
peace and quiet to loving to read to them a little longer or playing
cards or watching movies later than we ever did. I'm trying to get my
dh into that same gear...he's still grumpy because he doesn't have alone
time with me but I keep telling him that "this too shall pass"...advice
my dear ole'ma always said. We'll miss it when the house is all quiet
and it's just us.
I gotta go find my kids because this is bringing tears to my eyes :-(
It's hard sometimes but we've got to ENJOY THE NOW!
Amy in Charles Town
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/22/2006 3:46:42 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
doodlemakers@... writes:
My trick is in the morning, or at some point in time when they are all
upstairs, I sit in my rocking chair and imagine each child coming
downstairs as they would five years from now, or ten years from now...++++
I had a few joyful but teary moments this morning. In the last month,
Brenna has decided to take a couple of classes at the community college and was
given a car by her dad. This morning she had her first class and just bounced
out the door laughing....."Mom...I'm off to college!" I watched as she got
in her car and drove away. I was overwhelmed with happiness watching her just
filled with joy and confidence but with a huge realization that...
Damn...it is just like everyone said...."it will go by in a flash." It
really did.
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
doodlemakers@... writes:
My trick is in the morning, or at some point in time when they are all
upstairs, I sit in my rocking chair and imagine each child coming
downstairs as they would five years from now, or ten years from now...++++
I had a few joyful but teary moments this morning. In the last month,
Brenna has decided to take a couple of classes at the community college and was
given a car by her dad. This morning she had her first class and just bounced
out the door laughing....."Mom...I'm off to college!" I watched as she got
in her car and drove away. I was overwhelmed with happiness watching her just
filled with joy and confidence but with a huge realization that...
Damn...it is just like everyone said...."it will go by in a flash." It
really did.
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
John and Amanda Slater
Lisa H <Lmanathome@...> wrote:
He is so young. I would respond positively to him with a loving gentle voice. Watch out for your expectations of what you think he should be doing or not doing. He will surprise you.
Its a wonderful journey.
Lisa Heyman
**** I think this is what I am trying to learn. It has recently struck me that I have a lot of expectations.
BTW, he made a great train track by himself today, for the first time. I am trusting the process. I am trusting the process. I am trusting the process... it is my new mantra.
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
He is so young. I would respond positively to him with a loving gentle voice. Watch out for your expectations of what you think he should be doing or not doing. He will surprise you.
Its a wonderful journey.
Lisa Heyman
**** I think this is what I am trying to learn. It has recently struck me that I have a lot of expectations.
BTW, he made a great train track by himself today, for the first time. I am trusting the process. I am trusting the process. I am trusting the process... it is my new mantra.
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
John and Amanda Slater
I do have to say that I asked him to put away the plate because he was standing in front of the dishwasher. Our kitchen is only wide enough for one at a time. We have not stressed chores for a long time. Sometimes they help and sometimes they don't. It depends on their moods and what is being asked. My 3 yo ds LOVES to clean bathrooms. They both like to mop and vaccum.
Just to clear things up a little,
Amanda
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Just to clear things up a little,
Amanda
---------------------------------
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John and Amanda Slater
Joyce Fetteroll <fetteroll@...> wrote:
On Aug 21, 2006, at 10:31 AM, John and Amanda Slater wrote:
> He says "I can't do this alone, it will take all day."
Has he heard you say that?
*** Probably not that exactly.... but maybe something like it. I can be negative at first and then start it on my own. I've been trying to make him aware of the process I go through when facing challenges. Talking out loud about the steps and reasoning I use.
If you were feeling overwhelmed wouldn't that be what you'd want to
hear? Model it for him :-)
> It is the same thing when he wants to build a train track for his
> Thomas Trains or Lincon logs, legos, imaginex. He cannot do it, he
> needs help.
Is there a neighborhood child who could come in to play with him?
Maybe an older, homeschooled child you could pay who could come by
once or a few times a week specifically to play trains with him?
** I wish his good friend that liked trains moved a few years ago. I am always on the lookout for new friends. All his friends that he played really well with have moved. And school has taken most of the rest away. I am hoping more playdates will be in his future. We are just needing some new kids to play with. He gets aggressive with several of the children we know, so it can be hard to find a good fit.
Amanda
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John and Amanda Slater
Coty's favorite thing is making new tracks. Sometimes he makes the tracks & doesn't even run the trains on them. Its just the idea of making & figuring out a new combination.
Carol
Where do you live, could I borrow Coty for a while. A train friend is just what he needs!!
Amanda
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Carol
Where do you live, could I borrow Coty for a while. A train friend is just what he needs!!
Amanda
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John and Amanda Slater
kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
-----Original Message-----
From: ccoutlaw@...
****I know he does not want to be alone, BUT I sometimes do*****
This may sound rough but there will come a time when you are alone.
Your kids
will be all grown, have lives of their own and you will have days when
you wish
for the company of an inquisitive (even "demanding") youngster.
-=-=-=-
This may sound even rougher:
There could come a time when he's not there at all. When I'm having
moments when I just wish Duncan would go away, I think about Lisa
Strebler, Joanna Wilkinson, and Diana Jenner. They each lost a child.
At five (car wreck), at eight (falling through ice), and at nine
(leukemia).
**** I do remember this. My parents adopt children with AIDS and two have died. I remember them was dealing with my children, most of the time.
*I* need LOTS of alone time. Duncan needs LOTS of stimulation and to
be surrounded by friends.
**This is very much our problem, I do need that time alone and have not been gettine it lately. With two boys so close in age, I am always in ear shot. We also have a kitten less than two weeks old that is fed every few hours. She has just started sleeping through the night, so she is taking up the rest of my time. I think that has made it worse.
Duncan's ten, so it's a bit easier than with a five year old! <g> I
can ask him to play upstairs a few hours and let me have a few
uninterrupted hours to myself. August has turned into
"Get-it-yourself-month" around here---I've asked him to cut down on the
"Mom, can you get me..." requests and just come down and get things
he's capable of.
My guess (because I've been there! <G>) is that you're thinking of him
as a burden. Really and truly---just changing *your* thinking will
change the way *he* acts!
***I'm trying.
OH! Are you coming to the conference? Diana's talking specifically
about this subject!!!
Maybe next year it wil be much closer in NC!!
Amanda
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-----Original Message-----
From: ccoutlaw@...
****I know he does not want to be alone, BUT I sometimes do*****
This may sound rough but there will come a time when you are alone.
Your kids
will be all grown, have lives of their own and you will have days when
you wish
for the company of an inquisitive (even "demanding") youngster.
-=-=-=-
This may sound even rougher:
There could come a time when he's not there at all. When I'm having
moments when I just wish Duncan would go away, I think about Lisa
Strebler, Joanna Wilkinson, and Diana Jenner. They each lost a child.
At five (car wreck), at eight (falling through ice), and at nine
(leukemia).
**** I do remember this. My parents adopt children with AIDS and two have died. I remember them was dealing with my children, most of the time.
*I* need LOTS of alone time. Duncan needs LOTS of stimulation and to
be surrounded by friends.
**This is very much our problem, I do need that time alone and have not been gettine it lately. With two boys so close in age, I am always in ear shot. We also have a kitten less than two weeks old that is fed every few hours. She has just started sleeping through the night, so she is taking up the rest of my time. I think that has made it worse.
Duncan's ten, so it's a bit easier than with a five year old! <g> I
can ask him to play upstairs a few hours and let me have a few
uninterrupted hours to myself. August has turned into
"Get-it-yourself-month" around here---I've asked him to cut down on the
"Mom, can you get me..." requests and just come down and get things
he's capable of.
My guess (because I've been there! <G>) is that you're thinking of him
as a burden. Really and truly---just changing *your* thinking will
change the way *he* acts!
***I'm trying.
OH! Are you coming to the conference? Diana's talking specifically
about this subject!!!
Maybe next year it wil be much closer in NC!!
Amanda
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
camden
***Where do you live, could I borrow Coty for a while. A train friend is just what he needs!!***
Maine for now, Virginia soon (hopefully - anyone want to buy a house? ;)
Carol
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maine for now, Virginia soon (hopefully - anyone want to buy a house? ;)
Carol
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]