Stacy

Hello list! My name's Stacy and I'm mom to 3 great kids, Aidan 9,
Ashlyn 7, & Kian 13mos. We've homeschooled from the beginning, but
after 4 years of relaxed school-at-home, we've got issues. Somehow I
can take anything my kids are interested in and make it boring.
Mention a favorite game might have educational value, and they never
touch it again. Ask them to sit and do spelling or math, you know
the real important stuff ;), I get arguments and/or tears. This
isn't what I envisioned when I decided to educate my children at
home.

So we just recently moved from a state with yearly testing to a
state that has very few restrictions, and I'm thinking we should try
unschooling. I discounted it in the past as a really nice theory,
but something that wouldn't work for my family. I guess I didn't
really believe that my kids would learn what they needed by
unschooling. After reading several personal stories and lurking on
this list, I now realize that my idea of what my kids should be
learning is a little skewed and my assumption that unschooling was
just about education was completely off the mark. We're talking
total lifestyle change here! I don't have to only stop controlling
their education, I need to stop trying to control them!

So my problem is how do you just suddenly let go and TRUST that
you're doing the right thing and the kids will learn what they need?
What should I be doing with myself? Should I be right there with
them all day long while they're playing? Should I encourage them to
watch a show with me or offer to read to them or play math games?
For instance, they've been cooped up in my daughter's room since
yesterday playing barbies, only coming out occasionally to get a
snack or feed the pets. I can't go in there because the baby likes
to eat all those great barbie accessories, but I feel so guilty just
hanging out, surfing the net. I'm really not sure they want me in
there anyway. What if they only want to play barbies and never show
an interest in the learning they'll need to get into college some
day (provided they want to go to college)? Please help, I feel like
I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack! (I'm only half joking. ;-))

Stacy Murphy

Deb

> I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack! (I'm only half joking. ;-))
Take a big deep breath. Now another. There. Now relax yourself. If
you're in panic mode, learning can't get in and you're more likely
to cling onto the flimsy branch you know than let go and FLY.

First thing is don't do anything suddenly. Except maybe dropping the
textbook/workbook/'school day' stuff. That can go away and it can
be 'vacation time'. All the rest of the control stuff (food,
bedtime, etc) needs to go slowly for everyone's sake or it'll get
really confusing and frustrating. Instead of an "okay there are no
more rules" pronouncement, just say Yes a whole lot more - "Can we
stay up to watch one more show? Yes" "Can I have another freeze pop?
Yes" and so on. Take a breath or two and think before answering No
to anything (except maybe "No, don't use the baby as a speed bump"
lol)

"What they need"? What *they* need or what the school system (which
is playing in your head) says they need? Those are usually different
things. The school system tapes say "They have to learn
multiplication at age 8 and reading by age 6 and..." Reality is that
those are tools to reach a goal not an end in themselves - which is
the way school is - you learn multiplication or reading because
someone else says so, not because you have a real life need for it
at the time. Do you go out and pound a dozen nails every day "just
in case" you need to do a bit of carpentry in 10 years? You've
probably got plenty of other stuff to do I'm sure - stuff that is
real and now and important to *you*.

What to do with yourself: definitely spend some time with the kids.
Be involved with them sometimes. Be nearby sometimes - maybe read or
whatever in the big comfy chair while they're sprawled around the
living room watching Spongebob or snakes or Unwrapped or whatever.
Also spend time for yourself - get out the knitting or bonsai trees
or the bagpipes or whatever - something you've put aside maybe or
something you've wanted to explore for yourself.

Live as though every day were vacation.

> What if they only want to play barbies
hmm fashion design, interior design, graphics, cosmetology,
screenwriting (soap operas for sure), and so on are all potential
directions that a love of barbies could go (and there are probably
zillions more. Get them barbie magazines. Find barbie websites for
them. And so on. barbie collectibles bring big bucks on ebay
sometimes. Oh and don't forget that sewing might be in there when
they want to expand the wardrobes and possibly carpentry (to make
miniature furnishings and such)...there's a whole world all
connected to barbie (where is malibu and why is malibu barbie so tan
and won't she get skin cancer and what is in sunscreen and ....) Be
prepared for lots of questions that you don't know the answers to
(there's no answer key to living life). Be willing to say I have no
idea but we can look it up.

> and never show
> an interest in the learning they'll need to get into college some
> day (provided they want to go to college)?
And you're assuming their life for them a decade or more in advance.
Ten years ago would you have known that you'd be living where you
are with a nice passel of kids? Do you know for sure what they'll
ned to know 10 years from now? Could you have imagined surfing the
Internet when you were their age? Computer skills are critical
today - and I graduated high school before the IBM PC was invented
and when I graduated college, I got a "top of the line personal
computer" as a gift - it was a Commodore 64! My college degree is in
Information Systems. Guess what I learned? Punch cards and IBM
Assembly language and Pascal and COBOL. Virtually NONE of what I
took in *college* has any relation to my current career. DH waited a
full decade after high school to consider college and choose to
leave a 5 figure salary to pursue something he was passionate about
via a college degree (that's where the resources he wanted were
lumped so that's where he went). Now he's a full time at home Dad,
by choice. He uses his degree on occasion. If you had asked him when
he graduated high school if he'd ever have a college degree he'd
have laughed at you. He got his high paying high tech job(s) without
so much as an ITT Tech certificate. The skills that got him those
jobs were those he learned *outside of school*.

If you spend all your time now worrying about 10 years from now,
pretty soon it will BE 10 years from now and you'll have missed all
the now.

--Deb

Michelle/Melbrigða

On 8/15/06, Stacy <smurphygt@...> wrote:

> So my problem is how do you just suddenly let go and TRUST that
> you're doing the right thing and the kids will learn what they need?

Start saying yes more and no less. It's something you have to
deschool out of yourself as much as deschooling your kids.

> What should I be doing with myself?

I don't know. What are your passions? Seriously, your kids need to
see you involved in your passions as much as you need to see them
involved in their passions.

>Should I be right there with
> them all day long while they're playing?

Sure. Or as they want. Let them get all the schooly stuff out of
their systems. Your baby will be older then and you will be more
relaxed. You can also play with them when the baby is napping or
after the baby has gone down for the evening (if you have such a
critter ;) )

>Should I encourage them to
> watch a show with me or offer to read to them or play math games?

If they like math games. We don't have any math games in our house,
but we do have games that one needs at least some math to do
(Monopoly, Life, etc.) We don't play them to learn math. We play
games because *games* are fun. If they aren't fun then it is work.
I'm not discounting that a math game can't be fun, just that they
aren't necessary to unschool. Invite them into your world. If you
have a show that interests you invite them to watch with you. Want to
go somewhere that sounds fun, ask if they would like to join you.
Starting a new hobby or craft? Maybe they would be interested as
well. On the other hand, be involved in their world as well. Help
them create new barbie fashions from their outgrown or tattered
clothes (or scraps of cloth or learn to knit some). Help them make
dioramas for barbie adventures. Have them outfit Barbie and all her
friends for an outdoor adventure and take them outin the yard(sans all
the itty bitty pieces that fall off easily and get chewed up by lawn
mowers).


> I'm really not sure they want me in
> there anyway.

Might not right now if they associate you with schooling and being a
funsucker :-D That will change as they trust that you aren't going to
turn every activity into a "learning experience" In that time you have
to trust that they will learn through playing and exploring. What
wonderful creativity they must have if they can play constantly with
their dolls and not be bored! Coming up for fresh air may happen in a
time near you.

>What if they only want to play barbies and never show
> an interest in the learning they'll need to get into college some
> day (provided they want to go to college)?

Go rent the movie Big with Tom Hanks (It's been playing on AMC and
Encore this month). Seriously, this is a great unschooling movie.
Here's a "kid" who looks 30 and he knows toys best. He gets a job
designing and testing toys. My brother would have been great at a job
like that! No college education, no high school education for that
matter. Just a kid who "grew up" too fast. (There are adult
situations in this movie)

Please help, I feel like
> I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack! (I'm only half joking. ;-))
>

Breathe in *and* out. Repeat. It's necessary. :) Baby steps and
remember, it doesn't have to look like school to mean something in
life!

--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist

Stacy

Hi Deb! Thanks so much for your reply!

> First thing is don't do anything suddenly. Except maybe dropping
the
> textbook/workbook/'school day' stuff. That can go away and it can
> be 'vacation time'.

We're doing good here. We haven't done school since May because of a
cross-country move. I just unpacked all of our books though and I
think that's what put me into panic mode. I'm feeling more relaxed
now. Breathing helps. ;-)


> All the rest of the control stuff (food,
> bedtime, etc) needs to go slowly for everyone's sake or it'll get
> really confusing and frustrating. Instead of an "okay there are no
> more rules" pronouncement, just say Yes a whole lot more


This is something that my hubby and I both need to work on. I'm
usually pretty relaxed about stuff, but sometimes I say "no" for no
good reason, because I don't want to be bothered at that moment. :-(
Then the kids start to argue with me and their dad gets upset
because they don't "respect" us and before you know it we're all
upset.


> Be involved with them sometimes. Be nearby sometimes - maybe read
or
> whatever in the big comfy chair while they're sprawled around the
> living room watching Spongebob or snakes or Unwrapped or whatever.

So, basically just be available right?

> Also spend time for yourself -

Does this mean I no longer have an excuse for the dirty dishes in
the sink?

> Be
> prepared for lots of questions that you don't know the answers to
> (there's no answer key to living life). Be willing to say I have
no
> idea but we can look it up.

See, this is part of the reason I'm looking for another way to do
things. The kids aren't asking as many questions as they used to. I
know it's my fault because I was always trying to turn every
question they had into some kind of a lesson. So I've backed off and
I'm hoping they'll start asking again. How do I handle it when they
do ask? Just give a simple, strait-forward answer, then asking them
if they'd like to learn more?

Stacy

Stacy

> We play
> games because *games* are fun. If they aren't fun then it is work.
> I'm not discounting that a math game can't be fun, just that they
> aren't necessary to unschool.

Hi Michele & thanks for replying. This really hit home with me
because I know I've been taking the fun out of everything. I wasn't
doing it on purpose, but learning was always my motive for playing.

> Might not right now if they associate you with schooling and being
a
> funsucker :-D

I love that term. I think I'll ask my kids to tell me when I'm being
a funsucker, just in case I forget. :-)

> That will change as they trust that you aren't going to
> turn every activity into a "learning experience"

I hope so! I really thought I was doing the best thing for my kids,
but now I'm starting to feel terrible about all the forced learning

> Go rent the movie Big with Tom Hanks (It's been playing on AMC and
> Encore this month). Seriously, this is a great unschooling movie.

Ha! I saw that movie in the theatre when I was a kid! My brother and
I both loved it, but I'd all but forgotten about it. What a
great way to try and explain unschooling to my husband!

Thanks!
Stacy the Funsucker

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: smurphygt@...

Thanks!
Stacy the Funsucker

-=-=-=-=-

Let's work on changing that to "Stacy, the Recovering Funsucker"

<g>


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org

"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6









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Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
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"Stacy" <smurphygt@...> wrote:
> See, this is part of the reason I'm looking for another way to do
things. The kids aren't asking as many questions as they used to. I
know it's my fault because I was always trying to turn every
question they had into some kind of a lesson. So I've backed off and
I'm hoping they'll start asking again. How do I handle it when they
do ask? Just give a simple, strait-forward answer, then asking them
if they'd like to learn more? >>

It's hard to be patient, believe me, especially when you're new to
this. My dd will be 14 next month, this was her first year out of
school. She's been deschooling and healing for over a year.

Do NOT ask if they'd like to learn more! Just answer their questions
and let it go! Less is more.
Jann

Michelle/Melbrigða

On 8/16/06, Stacy <smurphygt@...> wrote:
> > Might not right now if they associate you with schooling and being
> a
> > funsucker :-D
>
> I love that term. I think I'll ask my kids to tell me when I'm being
> a funsucker, just in case I forget. :-)
>

I didn't coin the phrase. It comes from the movie Freaky Friday with
Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsy Lohan. My kids glommed onto it and use it
when I am being a funsucker myself

Michelle - the recovering funsucker

--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist

Deb

--- In [email protected], "Stacy" <smurphygt@...>
wrote:
>
> Hi Deb! Thanks so much for your reply!
>
> I just unpacked all of our books though and I
> think that's what put me into panic mode. I'm feeling more relaxed
> now. Breathing helps. ;-)
Put all those books on a shelf - some of them might be handy
references for answering questions you don't know the answers to
(but I'm betting in about a year they'll be all dusty and ready to
go up onto ebay). If any of them really makes you get nervous
repeatedly, get rid of it fast. I gave away a few things I had
accumulated when DS was a baby "just in case" (like 100EZ lessons -
hey I found it on sale brand new for 30% off!lol) to our homeschool
group's lending library. I figure someone might want to look at it
before buying for themselves (and maybe they'll look at it and
decide not to buy any reading lessons at all lol).
>
>
> This is something that my hubby and I both need to work on. I'm
> usually pretty relaxed about stuff, but sometimes I say "no" for
>no
> good reason, because I don't want to be bothered at that moment.
> Then the kids start to argue with me and their dad gets upset
> because they don't "respect" us and before you know it we're all
> upset.
That's an excellent start at it - recognizing that sometimes you say
no simply for your own convenience. If DS asks and I say No, it's
usually because I just don't want to do that. And that's okay - I'll
think about it, maybe ask a couple questions to define exactly what
it is he wants my participation to be, and decide if it is something
I am willing to do. Since No is considered and not constant
(sometimes I play, sometimes not, it depends on many factors,
including things like if he's asking me to play something long like
Monopoly or Risk at 10 pm).
>

> So, basically just be available right?
Exactly - think about how you and DH lived before kids. You didn't
hover over each other but you probably hung out together. I remember
curling up on the bed in the spare room to read while DH played
computer games on the computer in there.

> Does this mean I no longer have an excuse for the dirty dishes in
> the sink?
LOL - usually DH does the dishes at our house (he's home, I'm at
work) but sometimes I'll do them. I make sure we've got the dish
soap I like (the orange oil scented ones) and I'll treat it *as* a
treat - my guys will usually head off to play somewhere and I get
some quiet and I get to look out the back window and think long slow
thoughts. Sometimes I'll even use the time to pray if there's
something I need to really spend time praying on. Sometimes just
seeing the residue on the dishes can remind me of things
like "that's the leftovers of DH's birthday cake - that was a nice
party - I'm so glad to have him..." or "boy that chili was spicy!"
or "I'm glad we had company over for pizza the other day". Sort of
triggers to being thankful instead of seeing it as a chore.

> See, this is part of the reason I'm looking for another way to do
> things. The kids aren't asking as many questions as they used to.
>I
> know it's my fault because I was always trying to turn every
> question they had into some kind of a lesson. So I've backed off
>and
> I'm hoping they'll start asking again. How do I handle it when
>they
> do ask? Just give a simple, strait-forward answer, then asking
>them
> if they'd like to learn more?
>
KISS lol "Keep it simple Stacey" If they want to know more, they'll
ask more. If the same types of questions keep coming up (for
instance, my DS kept asking why it's called... a window, a door, a
ceiling, a pillow, an armada, etc), find resources they can use - I
found a cool website that gives the etymology of hundreds of words
(you can search specifically or hit the first letter and scroll
through the list) and I bookmarked it on DS' computer so he can
check stuff at will - he's somewhat independent from me (as
independent as he chooses - he can look it up, he can ask me if I
know, he can ask me to look it up). If you keep getting questions
about spiders, get a good field guide to spiders or bookmark a
website (or both).

--Deb