A toddler question
cm100873
I mentioned in my last post, I am quite new to unschooling (only
learned about it a few weeks ago) so I am still assimilating all of
the information and reading up on it, but I am quite intrigued. I was
wondering if I might be able to get a suggestion from those of you who
have been doing it for a while. I have a 2 year old, just turned two
in July, who has a tendency to hit. How do you handle a situation
like this. I explain to him that it isn't okay, and if the person
(usually a child) that he hits is upset, I'll point that out to help
him understand why hitting isn't okay. But, without using a
controlling punishment, how do I get him to stop?
learned about it a few weeks ago) so I am still assimilating all of
the information and reading up on it, but I am quite intrigued. I was
wondering if I might be able to get a suggestion from those of you who
have been doing it for a while. I have a 2 year old, just turned two
in July, who has a tendency to hit. How do you handle a situation
like this. I explain to him that it isn't okay, and if the person
(usually a child) that he hits is upset, I'll point that out to help
him understand why hitting isn't okay. But, without using a
controlling punishment, how do I get him to stop?
Nicole Willoughby
But, without using a
controlling punishment, how do I get him to stop?
Now my question...Will a controling punishment really stop him? for how long? will he just be sneakier about it so he dosent get caught?
Nicole
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controlling punishment, how do I get him to stop?
>>>>>>>>>>first my answer....wait patiently untill he turns 5 or 6 then the hitting will probably back way off.......untill then give him lots of love ...talk about it not nice to hit others thats fine but also focus on him........is he upset because someone took something of his? is he hungry/ thirstly. Would it help to teach him a few signs to bridge the communication gap? .....toddler hitting if often from the frustration of being able to think what they want but not being able to expres it clearly.
Now my question...Will a controling punishment really stop him? for how long? will he just be sneakier about it so he dosent get caught?
Nicole
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Mother Earth (Tyra)
Repetition is the mother of skill....you just keep telling him and one day he will really get it. I also can tell when my children are in hitting mode so I will make sure that I get close by to help distract him or block the blow if my distraction is not enough. If he is constantly hitting a regular playmate then the playmate will no longer be regular. There is no need to punish a child for hitting. They can understand by talking to them....over time. At two hitting is a sign that the child is unhappy about something. The more you talk to your child at that age, the easier it is to talk to them as they get older.
Much Love to you
Tyra
Much Love to you
Tyra
----- Original Message -----
From: cm100873
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, August 09, 2006 10:54 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] A toddler question
I I have a 2 year old, just turned two
in July, who has a tendency to hit. How do you handle a situation
like this. I explain to him that it isn't okay, and if the person
(usually a child) that he hits is upset, I'll point that out to help
him understand why hitting isn't okay. But, without using a
controlling punishment, how do I get him to stop?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
As was mentioned, hitting by a toddler is usually because there's
something going on that they can't verbalize but don't like - whether
someone is crowding them too close, they're hot, tired, hungry,
frustrated because the blocks keep tipping over, whatever. Rather than
looking for more and better punishments *after* the fact, being
present and alert and recognizing "hmm those are the warning signs
that DS is warming up to explode. Need to get over there and help..."
And then getting right in there and providing words "Gee, those blocks
are being really stubborn. That can be so frustrating. Let's get a
flat piece of board to build on so they won't tumble down the way they
do on carpet..." It might mean simply removing the hitter from the
situation for a bit - even if that means "I'm sorry Jimmy but Bobby
and I need to leave now." That's not a bad thing, you don't have to
leave them in stressful situations to 'test' whether they've learned
not to hit, it is showing them a coping skill for when they are
feeling stressed - my DS is now 8 and he will come get me and say We
need a private talk and we'll go someplace quiet where he can de-
stress when he feels frustrated (if we're not at home that is). The
other day, we were in the car and he was feeling frustrated about
something and said "I need to hit my punching bag when we get home."
Which is exactly why we've got it - he can *safely* vent the energy of
his feelings. Once that energy is vented, we can talk about what the
situation was and how to work around it or with it in the future. At
this point, with a toddler, *you* are the one who will need to think
it over and see "Gee, if I run 6 errands then take DS to the park,
he's liable to hit the first kid who gets in line on the slide before
him" maybe the park should be separate or do fewer errands beforehand
or whatever.
Also, cutting down all the rules to a few basic principles helps - not
a lot of stuff to "memorize" - if A then B, if C then D unless E...
Instead "do no harm", "be safe", that sort of thing, simple, easy to
manage - things that apply to EVERYONE in your household, not just
anyone under 18. How they look IRL will vary based on age, but the
principles are the same. For DS at 2, holding hands in a parking lot
was critical. Now he's 8 and can simply walk next to me if he chooses.
If something happens, keep it short - the current trend in parenting
seems to be giving long detailed explanations for why things are
happening. Toddlers don't have the verbal or attention skills to
handle that. Check in with the injured party to make sure they are
okay then check in with the hitter with a reminder "No hurting others"
and maybe remove them from the situation (not as in 'banished to your
room by yourself' but you accompanying the toddler to someplace else
to cool off). When people hear No No No all the time, it gets tuned
out, like white noise. When they hear Yes OK Sure Fine No - that No
has a bit more 'punch' to it, like hitting the brakes.
If you've been using 'controlling punishments' and hitting is
continuing, then maybe they're not the most effective way to deal with
it, KWIM?
--Deb
something going on that they can't verbalize but don't like - whether
someone is crowding them too close, they're hot, tired, hungry,
frustrated because the blocks keep tipping over, whatever. Rather than
looking for more and better punishments *after* the fact, being
present and alert and recognizing "hmm those are the warning signs
that DS is warming up to explode. Need to get over there and help..."
And then getting right in there and providing words "Gee, those blocks
are being really stubborn. That can be so frustrating. Let's get a
flat piece of board to build on so they won't tumble down the way they
do on carpet..." It might mean simply removing the hitter from the
situation for a bit - even if that means "I'm sorry Jimmy but Bobby
and I need to leave now." That's not a bad thing, you don't have to
leave them in stressful situations to 'test' whether they've learned
not to hit, it is showing them a coping skill for when they are
feeling stressed - my DS is now 8 and he will come get me and say We
need a private talk and we'll go someplace quiet where he can de-
stress when he feels frustrated (if we're not at home that is). The
other day, we were in the car and he was feeling frustrated about
something and said "I need to hit my punching bag when we get home."
Which is exactly why we've got it - he can *safely* vent the energy of
his feelings. Once that energy is vented, we can talk about what the
situation was and how to work around it or with it in the future. At
this point, with a toddler, *you* are the one who will need to think
it over and see "Gee, if I run 6 errands then take DS to the park,
he's liable to hit the first kid who gets in line on the slide before
him" maybe the park should be separate or do fewer errands beforehand
or whatever.
Also, cutting down all the rules to a few basic principles helps - not
a lot of stuff to "memorize" - if A then B, if C then D unless E...
Instead "do no harm", "be safe", that sort of thing, simple, easy to
manage - things that apply to EVERYONE in your household, not just
anyone under 18. How they look IRL will vary based on age, but the
principles are the same. For DS at 2, holding hands in a parking lot
was critical. Now he's 8 and can simply walk next to me if he chooses.
If something happens, keep it short - the current trend in parenting
seems to be giving long detailed explanations for why things are
happening. Toddlers don't have the verbal or attention skills to
handle that. Check in with the injured party to make sure they are
okay then check in with the hitter with a reminder "No hurting others"
and maybe remove them from the situation (not as in 'banished to your
room by yourself' but you accompanying the toddler to someplace else
to cool off). When people hear No No No all the time, it gets tuned
out, like white noise. When they hear Yes OK Sure Fine No - that No
has a bit more 'punch' to it, like hitting the brakes.
If you've been using 'controlling punishments' and hitting is
continuing, then maybe they're not the most effective way to deal with
it, KWIM?
--Deb
lilith_pouia
--- In [email protected], "Deb" <soggyboysmom@...> wrote:
The
> other day, we were in the car and he was feeling frustrated about
> something and said "I need to hit my punching bag when we get home."
> Which is exactly why we've got it - he can *safely* vent the energy of
> his feelings. Once that energy is vented, we can talk about what the
> situation was and how to work around it or with it in the future.
I've considered getting a punching bag for my boys. Sometimes it seems
pillows and stuffed animals aren't enough to intice them. Do you have
the standard type that usually hang from a chain, or something
smaller, softer? I'm kind of afraid of them hurting themselves with
the standard kind. I've messed up my wrists punching those things the
wrong way and i'm an adult. Obviously i wouldn't have it hanging. I
usually end up buying those bop bags that bounce back up when you hit
them over and over again because they get holes in them so easily. My
boys really like the inflatable boxing gloves too. Those things just
don't seem to last long enough though. It's great for their
entertainment, but as actual anger management kind of unreliable. Just
curious about how it works out at your house.
Lilith
Nicole Willoughby
Google martial arts supplies.
You can find a free standing bag or "dummy " sized down for a child.
There are also these things with straps you can hold while they kick and punch.
These can be pricy and arent necessary.
Sometimes you have to experiment. Hitting isnt always necessary to get out anger. Sometimes a supply of mini beach balls from oriental trading can do the trick. Well pick up one after another of those and throw them as hard as we can one right after another. and if we dont quite feel done well pick them up and do it again :)
Nicole
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You can find a free standing bag or "dummy " sized down for a child.
There are also these things with straps you can hold while they kick and punch.
These can be pricy and arent necessary.
Sometimes you have to experiment. Hitting isnt always necessary to get out anger. Sometimes a supply of mini beach balls from oriental trading can do the trick. Well pick up one after another of those and throw them as hard as we can one right after another. and if we dont quite feel done well pick them up and do it again :)
Nicole
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
--- In [email protected], "lilith_pouia"
<lilith_pouia@...> wrote:
cylindrical things. It is weighted with water in the bottom and is
inflatable so there's little chance of an injury punching wrong on
that one, it'll just wiggle or shift or give - DS will sometimes
pound it hard enough to knock it over even. The other is more like
a "peanut bag" that a boxer would use for speed. But, it is on a
stand, not hanging. Again, the bottom is weighted to hold it down.
The height is adjustable. It is smaller than an adult would use in
circumference - made for kids http://www.spilsbury.com is where we
ordered it - search on the site for "boxing trainer" - it even comes
with kid size boxing gloves. I've used both a time or two when I was
really frustrated and it felt really good (I mash my hand into the
boxing gloves since it does hurt the knuckles a bit to hit the
peanut bag barehanded)
Also, things like stomping, yelling, and such like can be good -
find a good "stomping place" - for instance, the upstairs hallway in
our house is good and loud for stomping, bathrooms are great for
yelling because of the acoustics - it's really LOUD!
And, too, things like those blow up clowns that are designed to rock
and come back upright could work just fine for a toddler and they're
fairly accessible and inexpensive.
Basically, what you want is to provide alternate tools to dealing
with the -energy- so that you can then address the situation with a
calmer kid. Kind of like an adult yelling at the top of their lungs
about the &*@#$ insurance company and then getting on the phone and
speaking politely (but firmly) to the representative. Trying to
explain things to an already aggravated person is likely to get
nowhere fast - and might even add to the stress of the situation.
Venting the energy is like the spout on the kettle - hitting is when
there's a little tiny opening that whistles loudly because there's a
lot of pressure behind it from the steam. What you want to arrive at
is not a little tiny opening but a great large opening to let the
steam out so that it has less pressure and noise.
--Deb
<lilith_pouia@...> wrote:
>We've got two actually - one is like a "heavy bag", the tall
> I've considered getting a punching bag for my boys. Sometimes it
>seems
> pillows and stuffed animals aren't enough to intice them. Do you
>have
> the standard type that usually hang from a chain, or something
> smaller, softer?
cylindrical things. It is weighted with water in the bottom and is
inflatable so there's little chance of an injury punching wrong on
that one, it'll just wiggle or shift or give - DS will sometimes
pound it hard enough to knock it over even. The other is more like
a "peanut bag" that a boxer would use for speed. But, it is on a
stand, not hanging. Again, the bottom is weighted to hold it down.
The height is adjustable. It is smaller than an adult would use in
circumference - made for kids http://www.spilsbury.com is where we
ordered it - search on the site for "boxing trainer" - it even comes
with kid size boxing gloves. I've used both a time or two when I was
really frustrated and it felt really good (I mash my hand into the
boxing gloves since it does hurt the knuckles a bit to hit the
peanut bag barehanded)
Also, things like stomping, yelling, and such like can be good -
find a good "stomping place" - for instance, the upstairs hallway in
our house is good and loud for stomping, bathrooms are great for
yelling because of the acoustics - it's really LOUD!
And, too, things like those blow up clowns that are designed to rock
and come back upright could work just fine for a toddler and they're
fairly accessible and inexpensive.
Basically, what you want is to provide alternate tools to dealing
with the -energy- so that you can then address the situation with a
calmer kid. Kind of like an adult yelling at the top of their lungs
about the &*@#$ insurance company and then getting on the phone and
speaking politely (but firmly) to the representative. Trying to
explain things to an already aggravated person is likely to get
nowhere fast - and might even add to the stress of the situation.
Venting the energy is like the spout on the kettle - hitting is when
there's a little tiny opening that whistles loudly because there's a
lot of pressure behind it from the steam. What you want to arrive at
is not a little tiny opening but a great large opening to let the
steam out so that it has less pressure and noise.
--Deb