intro with emotions out of control
lilith_pouia
My name is Lilith, and i am mom to three boys ages 7yrs., 5yrs., and
three mths. I have been homeschooling my oldest since he was 4yrs. and
recently(within the past 4mths.) have began incorporating radical
unschooling ideas into our household. I have been trying my hardest to
let go of the control on my children, and show them and their
belongings respect. We have stopped the use of punishment. Overall we
have changed a lot about the way we do things. We have been having
problems with getting the kids to understand that they can't control
other people, and they only have the choices to control themselves.
Their is a lot of fighting going on between them, and they hit each
other when the other doesn't conform to their wants. I feel like i'm
explaining the same things over and over again to them, and that they
aren't understanding why it's not right to be physical with someone
just because you don't like their actions. I have told them that the
ways we were doing things before (time outs, and spankings) weren't
right, and that i realize i've made mistakes with them, and have
apologized for hurting them and not showing them respect in the past.
We've had this talk several times. We've also offered other choices
for how to resolve problems and outlet anger in healthy ways. I've
talked to them about talking feelings and situations out and learning
to compromise, also offered them that if they feel like they need to
hit to let out their feelings thay can hit their pillows and throw
stuffed animals in their room. With my oldest i have offered to do
children's meditations with him, and after doing the first one he
doesn't want to. My oldest seems to understand better than the 5yr.
old, but still hits his brother anyway. I'm obviously not handling the
conflicts properly, but don't understand what i am doing wrong. I have
a lot of questions about things that seem unclear to me. They seem
unable to respect my space and my choices, and i realize this will
take time, but the real problem is the way they act when someone,(me
or each other) doesn't do exactly what they want. DS5 has started
throwing things at me and hitting me when i don't do what he wants,
and i have had to restrain him to keep him from hurting me. I know
restraint can't be the right answer but i don't know what else to do.
He completely losses control of himself, screaming and not listening
to me trying to reason with him. I try validating his feelings
verbally even if i'm not going to do what he wants, but this isn't
enough. I also explain why i'm making the choice i am, but that
doesn't seem to matter either. Then he resorts to violence because i
am trying to talk to him instead of just giving in. Also i feel that
if i tell him i won't do something it would show me to be inconsistent
to change my mind because of his actions. As am example, this happened
earlier. I was sitting in a chair in the living room rocking the baby
because he was being fussy, and DS5 said he wanted me to go get him
his soda from the kitchen. I told him i wasn't going to get it for him
at the moment because i was rocking the baby, and that he could get
it himself. He started on the "i don't want to, i want you to do it,"
bit and i just tried to reason with him about it. He was saying he
didn't want to get it because he was tired, and i continued to explain
that he could have already gotton it himself in the time it was taking
to aurgue with me. The conversation doesn't get very far before he's
screaming and threatening to throw a book at me if i don't do it.
Eventually i ended up having to put the baby down, because DS5 was out
of control and trying to hurt me. It took me an hour to get him calmed
down. I'm assuming he is acting out like this because he doesn't feel
validated, or feels as though i'm not listening to him, but i don't
know how to help him feel any more validated without just doing every
little thing he wants me to. Which is him controling me.
I can't just let him continue hurting me, or he and his brother
continue hurting each other, but i'm not sure how to stop it without
inforcing control again. For instance, i felt it wasn't right for me
to restrain him. But it was the only solution i saw at the time. It
hurts me to see him so frustrated and upset, and i feel helpless that
i can't help him deal with his emotions in a healthy way. I'm sorry
this post is so much to read. I just wanted to try explaning well.
Thanks for any advice,
Lilith
three mths. I have been homeschooling my oldest since he was 4yrs. and
recently(within the past 4mths.) have began incorporating radical
unschooling ideas into our household. I have been trying my hardest to
let go of the control on my children, and show them and their
belongings respect. We have stopped the use of punishment. Overall we
have changed a lot about the way we do things. We have been having
problems with getting the kids to understand that they can't control
other people, and they only have the choices to control themselves.
Their is a lot of fighting going on between them, and they hit each
other when the other doesn't conform to their wants. I feel like i'm
explaining the same things over and over again to them, and that they
aren't understanding why it's not right to be physical with someone
just because you don't like their actions. I have told them that the
ways we were doing things before (time outs, and spankings) weren't
right, and that i realize i've made mistakes with them, and have
apologized for hurting them and not showing them respect in the past.
We've had this talk several times. We've also offered other choices
for how to resolve problems and outlet anger in healthy ways. I've
talked to them about talking feelings and situations out and learning
to compromise, also offered them that if they feel like they need to
hit to let out their feelings thay can hit their pillows and throw
stuffed animals in their room. With my oldest i have offered to do
children's meditations with him, and after doing the first one he
doesn't want to. My oldest seems to understand better than the 5yr.
old, but still hits his brother anyway. I'm obviously not handling the
conflicts properly, but don't understand what i am doing wrong. I have
a lot of questions about things that seem unclear to me. They seem
unable to respect my space and my choices, and i realize this will
take time, but the real problem is the way they act when someone,(me
or each other) doesn't do exactly what they want. DS5 has started
throwing things at me and hitting me when i don't do what he wants,
and i have had to restrain him to keep him from hurting me. I know
restraint can't be the right answer but i don't know what else to do.
He completely losses control of himself, screaming and not listening
to me trying to reason with him. I try validating his feelings
verbally even if i'm not going to do what he wants, but this isn't
enough. I also explain why i'm making the choice i am, but that
doesn't seem to matter either. Then he resorts to violence because i
am trying to talk to him instead of just giving in. Also i feel that
if i tell him i won't do something it would show me to be inconsistent
to change my mind because of his actions. As am example, this happened
earlier. I was sitting in a chair in the living room rocking the baby
because he was being fussy, and DS5 said he wanted me to go get him
his soda from the kitchen. I told him i wasn't going to get it for him
at the moment because i was rocking the baby, and that he could get
it himself. He started on the "i don't want to, i want you to do it,"
bit and i just tried to reason with him about it. He was saying he
didn't want to get it because he was tired, and i continued to explain
that he could have already gotton it himself in the time it was taking
to aurgue with me. The conversation doesn't get very far before he's
screaming and threatening to throw a book at me if i don't do it.
Eventually i ended up having to put the baby down, because DS5 was out
of control and trying to hurt me. It took me an hour to get him calmed
down. I'm assuming he is acting out like this because he doesn't feel
validated, or feels as though i'm not listening to him, but i don't
know how to help him feel any more validated without just doing every
little thing he wants me to. Which is him controling me.
I can't just let him continue hurting me, or he and his brother
continue hurting each other, but i'm not sure how to stop it without
inforcing control again. For instance, i felt it wasn't right for me
to restrain him. But it was the only solution i saw at the time. It
hurts me to see him so frustrated and upset, and i feel helpless that
i can't help him deal with his emotions in a healthy way. I'm sorry
this post is so much to read. I just wanted to try explaning well.
Thanks for any advice,
Lilith
Lotus Unfolding
Peace Lilith!
I congratulate you on the success that you are having. I do feel that it will take a bit more time for you and your children to get into your groove with your new lifestyle. I must say that I am one who will change her mind to keep a child from raging. When my children begin to say things to me like: "I want you to get it." I will say yes, I will to keep them from going out of control. I know that it can be difficult to meet everyone's needs and not feel like you are always kind of stretched but sometimes it about doing what we gotta do to keep peace.
As for repeating yourself I have come to accept that that is what we do as parents. I once heard a woman say that "Repitition is the mother of skill." One day I know that they will eventually remember what I have said without me having to repeat it. I say just keep repeating that harming others is not okay and that your family does not do that and they will get it especially since you are helping them realize that they have other choices to select from.
Medititation...for me the best way for me to get my children to do anything is to do it myself. If I think they will benefit from meditiation then I decide that I need it first and I engage in it and eventually they will try it out, too. But there are so many forms of meditation, too. I see being engaged in an activity that I enjoy so much that I zone out as meditation. This is just FYI. It is not necessariy a suggestion. You may want to try meditiaton CD's and music from here www.satyanmethod.com You may even find some other info at www.newagekids.com and www.indigodreams.net.
Lastly, I want to suggest that if you have an residual guilt left over from how you used to run your home, pleas find a way to release it. When I first began radical unschooling, I remember feeling guilty at some of the things that I had once done. All that guilt did is impair my ability to fully integrate RU into our lives. The guilt allowed me to engage in conversations with my children that became futile because I was operating from a place of guilt. Once I lost the guilt, it freed me to do more for them. It made me JOYFUL to do more for them. It also helped me to be more present so that I could truly anchor peace in my home. But there are times when we are discussing something with our children and all they need to be is heard or validated, as you mentioned. Again, I don't really know what is going on with you so my comments are based on what I sense from your words.
I wish you much peace. The more peaceful you are the more peaceful your children will be, although maybe not today. LOL But I do wish you all peace.
Love
Tyra
From: "lilith_pouia" <lilith_pouia@...>
Date: 2006/08/07 Mon PM 06:15:08 CDT
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] intro with emotions out of control
My name is Lilith, and i am mom to three boys ages 7yrs., 5yrs., and
three mths.
I congratulate you on the success that you are having. I do feel that it will take a bit more time for you and your children to get into your groove with your new lifestyle. I must say that I am one who will change her mind to keep a child from raging. When my children begin to say things to me like: "I want you to get it." I will say yes, I will to keep them from going out of control. I know that it can be difficult to meet everyone's needs and not feel like you are always kind of stretched but sometimes it about doing what we gotta do to keep peace.
As for repeating yourself I have come to accept that that is what we do as parents. I once heard a woman say that "Repitition is the mother of skill." One day I know that they will eventually remember what I have said without me having to repeat it. I say just keep repeating that harming others is not okay and that your family does not do that and they will get it especially since you are helping them realize that they have other choices to select from.
Medititation...for me the best way for me to get my children to do anything is to do it myself. If I think they will benefit from meditiation then I decide that I need it first and I engage in it and eventually they will try it out, too. But there are so many forms of meditation, too. I see being engaged in an activity that I enjoy so much that I zone out as meditation. This is just FYI. It is not necessariy a suggestion. You may want to try meditiaton CD's and music from here www.satyanmethod.com You may even find some other info at www.newagekids.com and www.indigodreams.net.
Lastly, I want to suggest that if you have an residual guilt left over from how you used to run your home, pleas find a way to release it. When I first began radical unschooling, I remember feeling guilty at some of the things that I had once done. All that guilt did is impair my ability to fully integrate RU into our lives. The guilt allowed me to engage in conversations with my children that became futile because I was operating from a place of guilt. Once I lost the guilt, it freed me to do more for them. It made me JOYFUL to do more for them. It also helped me to be more present so that I could truly anchor peace in my home. But there are times when we are discussing something with our children and all they need to be is heard or validated, as you mentioned. Again, I don't really know what is going on with you so my comments are based on what I sense from your words.
I wish you much peace. The more peaceful you are the more peaceful your children will be, although maybe not today. LOL But I do wish you all peace.
Love
Tyra
From: "lilith_pouia" <lilith_pouia@...>
Date: 2006/08/07 Mon PM 06:15:08 CDT
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] intro with emotions out of control
My name is Lilith, and i am mom to three boys ages 7yrs., 5yrs., and
three mths.
lilith_pouia
--- In [email protected], Tyra (Lotus Unfolding)
<motherspirit@...> wrote:
into your groove with your new lifestyle.
I'd like to thank you first off, for your encouragement. It becomes
very hard to try all this change without support. Unfotunately i don't
have many friends who have children, and the ones who do are much
more traditional than myself. I have my sis and dh to offer support,
but i'm kind of the forgoer in untraditional methods of anything, so
it's more of them looking to me to see how it works.
you to get it." I will say yes, I will to keep them from going out of
control. I know that it can be difficult to meet everyone's needs and
not feel like you are always kind of stretched but sometimes it about
doing what we gotta do to keep peace.
I agree that it doesn't seem worth all the negative emotions sometimes
to stick with the intial decision. I think i'm having a hard time
learning to balance the meeting of my own needs with theirs and i end
up feeling too overwelmed to meet their needs if i can't also meet my
own. But it's occuring to me that if it is worth all that to him maybe
his need is stronger in the moment than my own. I have been feeling as
though he expects me to be his puppet and not to have feelings and
needs of my own, but maybe i can shift that perspective and see that
what he wants me to do is expressing something deeper.
mother of skill." One day I know that they will eventually remember
what I have said without me having to repeat it. I say just keep
repeating that harming others is not okay and that your family does
not do that and they will get it especially since you are helping
them realize that they have other choices to select from.
Once again thanks for the encouragement. Someone once told me on a
message board that if i have to repeat myself constantly then i must
not be listening to the children well enough, and/or not saying the
right things. Essentially that i was the one not getting it. I can see
some truth in that, but i don't feel it is the whole truth. I have
been making strong efforts to listen to the children better and still
repeat myself a lot. But i guess that's okay. I've just become afraid
that it indicates i'm missing something.
meditiation then I decide that I need it first and I engage in it and
eventually they will try it out, too. But there are so many forms of
meditation, too. I see being engaged in an activity that I enjoy so
much that I zone out as meditation. This is just FYI. It is not
necessariy a suggestion. You may want to try meditiaton CD's and
music from here www.satyanmethod.com You may even find some other
info at www.newagekids.com and www.indigodreams.net.
I strongly agree with you about the meditation thing. I used to
meditate quite a bit when they were younger, and somehow over time
fell out of it. I tell myself a lot that i need to find a way to set
aside the "me" time every day to breathe and get my thoughts organized
and viewed objectively. It hadn't occured to me that it might help for
me to be the example that might spark more interest for them over
time. Seems obvious now that you mentioned it. As i said i'm just been
feeling very overwelmed and can't seem to think straight lately.
it. When I first began radical unschooling, I remember feeling guilty
at some of the things that I had once done. All that guilt did is
impair my ability to fully integrate RU into our lives. The guilt
allowed me to engage in conversations with my children that became
futile because I was operating from a place of guilt. Once I lost the
guilt, it freed me to do more for them. It made me JOYFUL to do more
for them. It also helped me to be more present so that I could truly
anchor peace in my home. But there are times when we are discussing
something with our children and all they need to be is heard or
validated, as you mentioned. Again, I don't really know what is going
on with you so my comments are based on what I sense from your words.
You also make a good point about the residual guilt. I'm not really
sure at this point if that may be part of the problem i'm having or
not. But i can try to be more mindful of my responses to see if it may
be.
Thanks again for your response, and the advice. I'll try to keep it
all in mind.
Lilith
<motherspirit@...> wrote:
> Peace Lilith!that it will take a bit more time for you and your children to get
> I congratulate you on the success that you are having. I do feel
into your groove with your new lifestyle.
I'd like to thank you first off, for your encouragement. It becomes
very hard to try all this change without support. Unfotunately i don't
have many friends who have children, and the ones who do are much
more traditional than myself. I have my sis and dh to offer support,
but i'm kind of the forgoer in untraditional methods of anything, so
it's more of them looking to me to see how it works.
> I must say that I am one who will change her mind to keep a childfrom raging. When my children begin to say things to me like: "I want
you to get it." I will say yes, I will to keep them from going out of
control. I know that it can be difficult to meet everyone's needs and
not feel like you are always kind of stretched but sometimes it about
doing what we gotta do to keep peace.
I agree that it doesn't seem worth all the negative emotions sometimes
to stick with the intial decision. I think i'm having a hard time
learning to balance the meeting of my own needs with theirs and i end
up feeling too overwelmed to meet their needs if i can't also meet my
own. But it's occuring to me that if it is worth all that to him maybe
his need is stronger in the moment than my own. I have been feeling as
though he expects me to be his puppet and not to have feelings and
needs of my own, but maybe i can shift that perspective and see that
what he wants me to do is expressing something deeper.
> As for repeating yourself I have come to accept that that is what wedo as parents. I once heard a woman say that "Repitition is the
mother of skill." One day I know that they will eventually remember
what I have said without me having to repeat it. I say just keep
repeating that harming others is not okay and that your family does
not do that and they will get it especially since you are helping
them realize that they have other choices to select from.
Once again thanks for the encouragement. Someone once told me on a
message board that if i have to repeat myself constantly then i must
not be listening to the children well enough, and/or not saying the
right things. Essentially that i was the one not getting it. I can see
some truth in that, but i don't feel it is the whole truth. I have
been making strong efforts to listen to the children better and still
repeat myself a lot. But i guess that's okay. I've just become afraid
that it indicates i'm missing something.
> Medititation...for me the best way for me to get my children to doanything is to do it myself. If I think they will benefit from
meditiation then I decide that I need it first and I engage in it and
eventually they will try it out, too. But there are so many forms of
meditation, too. I see being engaged in an activity that I enjoy so
much that I zone out as meditation. This is just FYI. It is not
necessariy a suggestion. You may want to try meditiaton CD's and
music from here www.satyanmethod.com You may even find some other
info at www.newagekids.com and www.indigodreams.net.
I strongly agree with you about the meditation thing. I used to
meditate quite a bit when they were younger, and somehow over time
fell out of it. I tell myself a lot that i need to find a way to set
aside the "me" time every day to breathe and get my thoughts organized
and viewed objectively. It hadn't occured to me that it might help for
me to be the example that might spark more interest for them over
time. Seems obvious now that you mentioned it. As i said i'm just been
feeling very overwelmed and can't seem to think straight lately.
> Lastly, I want to suggest that if you have an residual guilt leftover from how you used to run your home, pleas find a way to release
it. When I first began radical unschooling, I remember feeling guilty
at some of the things that I had once done. All that guilt did is
impair my ability to fully integrate RU into our lives. The guilt
allowed me to engage in conversations with my children that became
futile because I was operating from a place of guilt. Once I lost the
guilt, it freed me to do more for them. It made me JOYFUL to do more
for them. It also helped me to be more present so that I could truly
anchor peace in my home. But there are times when we are discussing
something with our children and all they need to be is heard or
validated, as you mentioned. Again, I don't really know what is going
on with you so my comments are based on what I sense from your words.
You also make a good point about the residual guilt. I'm not really
sure at this point if that may be part of the problem i'm having or
not. But i can try to be more mindful of my responses to see if it may
be.
Thanks again for your response, and the advice. I'll try to keep it
all in mind.
Lilith
Brian & Alexandra Polikowsky
Welcome,
I read your post last night but have not had time to read the responses.
One thing jumped at me is that you have a 4 month old baby and it is your next ds that is having more difficulties.
Having a young sibling is a big chjange for your ds. he needs you NOW and has to wait for the baby.
That must be hard on him.
Try to see it form his point of view. Up to a few months ago he was the baby ...now you have this other litlle creature that needs
so much of your attention.
I don't have much advise but just remenbering that has helped me a lot.
My ds is 4 and I have a 6 month old so I can totally relate to " I need you to get it for me now!!!!!!!!!!!"\
It happens a lot in my house too. My ds does get frustrated and has huge meltdowns if his needs are not met.
Even if it is to get up get him what he wants and go back to baby. It works better when I do that. I say to my ds I will get what he needs but them I have to calm/put-baby-to-sleep/nurse.
He is happy that way and things do not escalate and he even helps me after that with baby ( by being quiet or whatever I need).
They just want to know they will have their needs met and that they are important too just like the baby's needs.
It is very hard .... but I am getting much better at it.
I was not so good first thing this morning but then I remenber to take a deep breath and look form his point of view ...
.Alex
who wishes she could write better ....to help more
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I read your post last night but have not had time to read the responses.
One thing jumped at me is that you have a 4 month old baby and it is your next ds that is having more difficulties.
Having a young sibling is a big chjange for your ds. he needs you NOW and has to wait for the baby.
That must be hard on him.
Try to see it form his point of view. Up to a few months ago he was the baby ...now you have this other litlle creature that needs
so much of your attention.
I don't have much advise but just remenbering that has helped me a lot.
My ds is 4 and I have a 6 month old so I can totally relate to " I need you to get it for me now!!!!!!!!!!!"\
It happens a lot in my house too. My ds does get frustrated and has huge meltdowns if his needs are not met.
Even if it is to get up get him what he wants and go back to baby. It works better when I do that. I say to my ds I will get what he needs but them I have to calm/put-baby-to-sleep/nurse.
He is happy that way and things do not escalate and he even helps me after that with baby ( by being quiet or whatever I need).
They just want to know they will have their needs met and that they are important too just like the baby's needs.
It is very hard .... but I am getting much better at it.
I was not so good first thing this morning but then I remenber to take a deep breath and look form his point of view ...
.Alex
who wishes she could write better ....to help more
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
--- In [email protected], "lilith_pouia"
<lilith_pouia@...> wrote:
question - that way you aren't making a snap answer that you then
end up changing. And let the other person know that's what you're
doing "You want me to get you a glass of milk. Hmm right this minute
I'm <whatever> but I'll be done in <minutes> and I can do it then.
Is that soon enough?" and if not, work through with the other person
what you CAN do right now and how you can reach the now-mutual
goal. "I CAN pour it for you if you bring me a cup and the pitcher
of milk." I CAN help you with it sooner if you would help me with
<whatever>." and so on. Make it a team effort to get what they want
done.
connection with you. Since this whole new thing is indeed new, they
may feel a bit fish-out-of-water right now. After all, if they had
come to equate rules/punishment with your love and concern and
involvement with them, then removing the rules could be quite
scary "Gee Mom isn't stopping me from.../making me do... Does she
care about me anymore?"
repeating. If you are reiterating plain and simple a basic principle
like don't hurt others, that's going to happen, because situations
change and how the principle works looks different sometimes (for
example, it's not as cut and dried as don't ever hit anyone -
sometimes there are grounds to slug someone, for instance, DS has
carte blanche to slug anyone who tries to kidnap him or molest him).
Repeating is important - that's why kids watch the same shows over
and over and over ... The repetition is important. If, however, it's
a situation where you are knee-jerk repeating things "No Tommy don't
touch that...No Tommy don't touch that..." then there does need to
be a pause to consider the situation (but that's not the situation
I'm hearing that you are in right now).
--Deb
<lilith_pouia@...> wrote:
>Maybe pausing before answering yes OR No or whatever to consider the
> I agree that it doesn't seem worth all the negative emotions
>sometimes
> to stick with the intial decision.
question - that way you aren't making a snap answer that you then
end up changing. And let the other person know that's what you're
doing "You want me to get you a glass of milk. Hmm right this minute
I'm <whatever> but I'll be done in <minutes> and I can do it then.
Is that soon enough?" and if not, work through with the other person
what you CAN do right now and how you can reach the now-mutual
goal. "I CAN pour it for you if you bring me a cup and the pitcher
of milk." I CAN help you with it sooner if you would help me with
<whatever>." and so on. Make it a team effort to get what they want
done.
> I have been feeling asFrom the example(s) given, it sounds like they are wanting more
> though he expects me to be his puppet and not to have feelings and
> needs of my own, but maybe i can shift that perspective and see
>that
> what he wants me to do is expressing something deeper.
connection with you. Since this whole new thing is indeed new, they
may feel a bit fish-out-of-water right now. After all, if they had
come to equate rules/punishment with your love and concern and
involvement with them, then removing the rules could be quite
scary "Gee Mom isn't stopping me from.../making me do... Does she
care about me anymore?"
> Once again thanks for the encouragement. Someone once told me on aIt depends, I think, on why you are repeating and how you are
> message board that if i have to repeat myself constantly then i
>must
> not be listening to the children well enough, and/or not saying the
> right things. Essentially that i was the one not getting it. I can
>see
> some truth in that, but i don't feel it is the whole truth. I have
> been making strong efforts to listen to the children better and
>still
> repeat myself a lot. But i guess that's okay. I've just become
>afraid
> that it indicates i'm missing something.
repeating. If you are reiterating plain and simple a basic principle
like don't hurt others, that's going to happen, because situations
change and how the principle works looks different sometimes (for
example, it's not as cut and dried as don't ever hit anyone -
sometimes there are grounds to slug someone, for instance, DS has
carte blanche to slug anyone who tries to kidnap him or molest him).
Repeating is important - that's why kids watch the same shows over
and over and over ... The repetition is important. If, however, it's
a situation where you are knee-jerk repeating things "No Tommy don't
touch that...No Tommy don't touch that..." then there does need to
be a pause to consider the situation (but that's not the situation
I'm hearing that you are in right now).
--Deb
lilith_pouia
Hi All,
I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you who replied to my
post. I was honestly at my wit's end, and could hardley even speak to
dh when he came home from work yesterday. Everyone's replies made
valid points and gave me lots to think about. I know it is still going
to take a lot of time, effort on my part, and patience to get our
household functioning in happy healthy ways, but i'm determined to
keep at it. The children deserve it, and really, i think dh and i do
too. Today was a much better day. No meltdowns or misunderstandings.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
Goodnight everyone,
Lilith
I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you who replied to my
post. I was honestly at my wit's end, and could hardley even speak to
dh when he came home from work yesterday. Everyone's replies made
valid points and gave me lots to think about. I know it is still going
to take a lot of time, effort on my part, and patience to get our
household functioning in happy healthy ways, but i'm determined to
keep at it. The children deserve it, and really, i think dh and i do
too. Today was a much better day. No meltdowns or misunderstandings.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
Goodnight everyone,
Lilith
Danielle Conger
lilith_pouia wrote:
well, where we have a high concentration of mamas with younger
children--lots of btdt and really great strategies.
In terms of the meditation, I wanted to offer you a few sources and
suggestions that you might find useful. There are a couple of books that
present meditation for a younger audience that you might like: the first
is my all time favorite, _Each Breath a Smile_, by Thich Nhat Hanh, and
the second, which was too Christian themed for me but several others
have liked it, is the guided imagery book _Starbright_ by Maureen Garth,
I believe--she has another one, too, for younger children, _Moonbright_
maybe.
I also share meditation with my children by telling them "cloud fairy"
stories when they're ready to fall asleep. I start with deep breathing,
asking them to fill their lungs up with air like giant balloons to carry
them up into the sky, and then to breathe out, releasing all of their
worries and fears. This breathing carries them up into the cloud fairy
realm, and I then tell them a story and use some guided imagery
techniques for happy dreaming. The girls, especially, really like the
stories, and it's a great way to reconnect with the kids and share some
meditation techniques with them in a low-key way.
When my kids were younger, I did a lot of dancing with them and blowing
bubbles as ways to focus on breathing and relaxation. Now, I'm able to
wake up before they do to practice my own meditation. Life with little
ones can be hard, and sometimes it seems as if mamas who most need the
time to recenter have the least of it! Keeping in mind, however, that
meditation can occur in lots of ways throughout the day can be helpful
in trying to carve out that "me" time with the kiddos around. Walking
meditation can be really useful if you can get the kiddos out the door.
Finding ways to be mindful in your daily activities can also be a form
of meditation, helping to keep you focused and grounded.
Hope that's helpful. Live fully, breathe deeply, and focus on really
*being* with the kids rather than trying to escape or change
things--that will help with the overwhelm.
--
~~Danielle
Emily (9), Julia (7), Sam (6)
http://www.organiclearning.blogspot.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Connections: ezine of unschooling and mindful parenting
http://connections.organiclearning.org
> I strongly agree with you about the meditation thing. I used toLilith, you're welcome to join us over at the AlwaysUnschooled list as
> meditate quite a bit when they were younger, and somehow over time
> fell out of it. I tell myself a lot that i need to find a way to set
> aside the "me" time every day to breathe and get my thoughts organized
> and viewed objectively. It hadn't occured to me that it might help for
> me to be the example that might spark more interest for them over
> time. Seems obvious now that you mentioned it. As i said i'm just been
> feeling very overwelmed and can't seem to think straight lately.
>
well, where we have a high concentration of mamas with younger
children--lots of btdt and really great strategies.
In terms of the meditation, I wanted to offer you a few sources and
suggestions that you might find useful. There are a couple of books that
present meditation for a younger audience that you might like: the first
is my all time favorite, _Each Breath a Smile_, by Thich Nhat Hanh, and
the second, which was too Christian themed for me but several others
have liked it, is the guided imagery book _Starbright_ by Maureen Garth,
I believe--she has another one, too, for younger children, _Moonbright_
maybe.
I also share meditation with my children by telling them "cloud fairy"
stories when they're ready to fall asleep. I start with deep breathing,
asking them to fill their lungs up with air like giant balloons to carry
them up into the sky, and then to breathe out, releasing all of their
worries and fears. This breathing carries them up into the cloud fairy
realm, and I then tell them a story and use some guided imagery
techniques for happy dreaming. The girls, especially, really like the
stories, and it's a great way to reconnect with the kids and share some
meditation techniques with them in a low-key way.
When my kids were younger, I did a lot of dancing with them and blowing
bubbles as ways to focus on breathing and relaxation. Now, I'm able to
wake up before they do to practice my own meditation. Life with little
ones can be hard, and sometimes it seems as if mamas who most need the
time to recenter have the least of it! Keeping in mind, however, that
meditation can occur in lots of ways throughout the day can be helpful
in trying to carve out that "me" time with the kiddos around. Walking
meditation can be really useful if you can get the kiddos out the door.
Finding ways to be mindful in your daily activities can also be a form
of meditation, helping to keep you focused and grounded.
Hope that's helpful. Live fully, breathe deeply, and focus on really
*being* with the kids rather than trying to escape or change
things--that will help with the overwhelm.
--
~~Danielle
Emily (9), Julia (7), Sam (6)
http://www.organiclearning.blogspot.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Connections: ezine of unschooling and mindful parenting
http://connections.organiclearning.org
lilith_pouia
--- In [email protected], Danielle Conger
<danielle.conger@...> wrote:
group and AL as well, but after some unpleasent experiences with my
first posts on AL i have kept more to reading and less to posting over
the past few months. I usually take the time at least every other day
to catch up on reading the current posts within the groups.
I already have the Starbright book. That's the one i already tried to
use with ds7. I didn't mind changing some of the words that i didn't
like. For instance changing "gaurdian angel" to just "gaurdian", or
"spirit guide". I may continue trying to work at it with him, but i
don't want to put any pressure. Really, part of the thing was, he
wanted to read it to me. He did have trouble i could see, being still,
and keeping his eyes closed. I didn't get onto him for it or anything
and told him it would get easier with practice. And i told him the
point of the excersise was to help him feel more calm and centered,
safe etc.. I chose to try the first time when he was already pretty
calm. But after the intro he was figgitty and wanted to read them to
me. I let him read me one, and the next time i asked him if he wanted
to use the book together he politely declined my offer. I haven't
really brought it up again.
I will look into the other book you mentioned as well. I also wanted
to reccomend a book for anyone interested. I don't know if any of you
have read Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, but it's a
wonderful book on cultivating mindfulness and meditation. I've read it
twice, years apart, and still feel i could learn more by reading it a
third time. Recently i came across a parenting book written by him and
his wife, and i had to have it. It's titled Everyday Blessings, The
Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn. I'm still
in the first third of the book, but so far i think it's great. If only
it was easier to learn to incorporate everything we read. :P I'll let
you all in on the impressions i've gathered when i get to the end as well.
Lilith
<danielle.conger@...> wrote:
> Lilith, you're welcome to join us over at the AlwaysUnschooled list asthat
> well, where we have a high concentration of mamas with younger
> children--lots of btdt and really great strategies.
>
> In terms of the meditation, I wanted to offer you a few sources and
> suggestions that you might find useful. There are a couple of books
> present meditation for a younger audience that you might like: thefirst
> is my all time favorite, _Each Breath a Smile_, by Thich Nhat Hanh, andGarth,
> the second, which was too Christian themed for me but several others
> have liked it, is the guided imagery book _Starbright_ by Maureen
> I believe--she has another one, too, for younger children, _Moonbright_Thanks for the suggestions, Danielle. I have already joined the AU
group and AL as well, but after some unpleasent experiences with my
first posts on AL i have kept more to reading and less to posting over
the past few months. I usually take the time at least every other day
to catch up on reading the current posts within the groups.
I already have the Starbright book. That's the one i already tried to
use with ds7. I didn't mind changing some of the words that i didn't
like. For instance changing "gaurdian angel" to just "gaurdian", or
"spirit guide". I may continue trying to work at it with him, but i
don't want to put any pressure. Really, part of the thing was, he
wanted to read it to me. He did have trouble i could see, being still,
and keeping his eyes closed. I didn't get onto him for it or anything
and told him it would get easier with practice. And i told him the
point of the excersise was to help him feel more calm and centered,
safe etc.. I chose to try the first time when he was already pretty
calm. But after the intro he was figgitty and wanted to read them to
me. I let him read me one, and the next time i asked him if he wanted
to use the book together he politely declined my offer. I haven't
really brought it up again.
I will look into the other book you mentioned as well. I also wanted
to reccomend a book for anyone interested. I don't know if any of you
have read Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, but it's a
wonderful book on cultivating mindfulness and meditation. I've read it
twice, years apart, and still feel i could learn more by reading it a
third time. Recently i came across a parenting book written by him and
his wife, and i had to have it. It's titled Everyday Blessings, The
Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn. I'm still
in the first third of the book, but so far i think it's great. If only
it was easier to learn to incorporate everything we read. :P I'll let
you all in on the impressions i've gathered when i get to the end as well.
Lilith
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 8/9/06, lilith_pouia <lilith_pouia@...> wrote:
Really, part of the thing was, he
> wanted to read it to me. He did have trouble i could see, being still,
> and keeping his eyes closed. I didn't get onto him for it or anything
> and told him it would get easier with practice. And i told him the
> point of the excersise was to help him feel more calm and centered,
> safe etc..
If one does not feel calm, centered and safe with ones eyes closed,
then meditation is not going to work. Have you read any on active
meditation? This is a great tool for children who have a hard time
sitting still, closing their eyes and "focusing" on "whatever." With
active meditation the person is given something that is repetitive to
do. This could be weaving, knitting, squeezing a relaxation ball or
ball of clay or transforming a Lotus Flower (I have found these
several places, they are a wire UFO looking things with beads that can
transform into various shapes - ball, flower, star, etc.) or even a
transformer type toy. It's something that keeps hands busy. Then
soothing music is played or soothing words spoken. I do this often
when I am knitting as my hands are restless but my mind needs quiet
calm. I invite my children (who can all knit now) to join me.
Sometimes we just all sit in the living room listening to the rain
pound on the roof and quietly knit.
Of course the running joke in our house is me saying, "If you don't
calm down I'm going to make you drop and give me 20 oms!" :-D
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
lilith_pouia
--- In [email protected], "Michelle/Melbrigða"
<pamperedmichelle@...> wrote:
child. That's one reason i've always felt he wouldn't fare well in
public school. I don't like the idea of him being labeled ADD, or
ADHD, and people suggestioning i put him on medications. I suppose he
does do that type of thing naturally, on his own, with the way he
plays video games. The Mortal Kombat games are his thing. He has all
of them ever made except a couple. He doesn't play the way a lot of
kids do though. His only concern is being able to do every move, that
every charcter has. He puts the game on vs. mode so no one is fighting
him back and he just does the moves over and over. He probably has
hundreds of special moves and finishing moves memorized. It always
amazes us how he remembers every single one and can do it with
perfection every time. Maybe that is meditative for him. I never
thought about it til now. He can sit still for hours if he's playing
Mortal Kombat. He also has all the fighting stances memorized as well
and walks around the house just rocking in a fighting stance quizing
me on who's it is and what it's called. He also incorporates them into
his style of dancing when we are playing music. Thanks for the input.
Lilith
<pamperedmichelle@...> wrote:
>Great suggestion! I'll have to look into that, as he is a very active
> If one does not feel calm, centered and safe with ones eyes closed,
> then meditation is not going to work. Have you read any on active
> meditation? This is a great tool for children who have a hard time
> sitting still, closing their eyes and "focusing" on "whatever." With
> active meditation the person is given something that is repetitive to
> do. This could be weaving, knitting, squeezing a relaxation ball or
> ball of clay or transforming a Lotus Flower (I have found these
> several places, they are a wire UFO looking things with beads that can
> transform into various shapes - ball, flower, star, etc.) or even a
> transformer type toy. It's something that keeps hands busy. Then
> soothing music is played or soothing words spoken. I do this often
> when I am knitting as my hands are restless but my mind needs quiet
> calm. I invite my children (who can all knit now) to join me.
> Sometimes we just all sit in the living room listening to the rain
> pound on the roof and quietly knit.
>
> Of course the running joke in our house is me saying, "If you don't
> calm down I'm going to make you drop and give me 20 oms!" :-D
>
> --
> Michelle
> aka Melbrigða
> http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
> [email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
>
child. That's one reason i've always felt he wouldn't fare well in
public school. I don't like the idea of him being labeled ADD, or
ADHD, and people suggestioning i put him on medications. I suppose he
does do that type of thing naturally, on his own, with the way he
plays video games. The Mortal Kombat games are his thing. He has all
of them ever made except a couple. He doesn't play the way a lot of
kids do though. His only concern is being able to do every move, that
every charcter has. He puts the game on vs. mode so no one is fighting
him back and he just does the moves over and over. He probably has
hundreds of special moves and finishing moves memorized. It always
amazes us how he remembers every single one and can do it with
perfection every time. Maybe that is meditative for him. I never
thought about it til now. He can sit still for hours if he's playing
Mortal Kombat. He also has all the fighting stances memorized as well
and walks around the house just rocking in a fighting stance quizing
me on who's it is and what it's called. He also incorporates them into
his style of dancing when we are playing music. Thanks for the input.
Lilith