Too much praise!! What to do?
Ren Allen
"I think it is fine to thank children
(and adults!!!) for their efforts and kindness. "
Yes, I agree. It does help kids to get sincere feedback of all kinds.
Feedback helps us learn. Yeah, too much praise can be...well, too
much. But if it's geniune, then GREAT!
Sometimes they need to hear what ISN'T working too. A genuine "It's
NOT ok to shove her when you're mad, let's go take a walk" or "Use
your words" or whatever that child needs at the moment to help them
navigate is useful information. Yep, I think feedback is useful for
the most part. And it sounds like you're aware of using more
descriptive phrases, than general. It also sounds like you're aware
that it might be too much sometimes....so maybe just reflect WITH the
child some?
There are times when my children show me something with pride and I
simply say "you're REALLY happy about that, aren't you?"
Depends on the kid, depends on the situation. But I've found that
giving them ownership of the happy/proud feeling is just as useful as
saying "wow, look at all those colors!" (in relation to a drawing).
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
(and adults!!!) for their efforts and kindness. "
Yes, I agree. It does help kids to get sincere feedback of all kinds.
Feedback helps us learn. Yeah, too much praise can be...well, too
much. But if it's geniune, then GREAT!
Sometimes they need to hear what ISN'T working too. A genuine "It's
NOT ok to shove her when you're mad, let's go take a walk" or "Use
your words" or whatever that child needs at the moment to help them
navigate is useful information. Yep, I think feedback is useful for
the most part. And it sounds like you're aware of using more
descriptive phrases, than general. It also sounds like you're aware
that it might be too much sometimes....so maybe just reflect WITH the
child some?
There are times when my children show me something with pride and I
simply say "you're REALLY happy about that, aren't you?"
Depends on the kid, depends on the situation. But I've found that
giving them ownership of the happy/proud feeling is just as useful as
saying "wow, look at all those colors!" (in relation to a drawing).
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
[email protected]
I think that giving praise and giving appreciation are two totally different
things, if appreciation is given with sincerity. I think a good guideline to
use is to think of how you would treat another adult. If you dh (or friend)
helped you, you would likely say "thank you". It would sound really funny if
one said "good boy, husband, for helping me!".
I don't know if anyone posted this article, yet, but it is great:
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm
Alfie Kohn says that being enthusiastic is fine. Giving praise as a
Skinnerian behavior modification tool is not OK.
Saying "thank you" is a great way to model. You will probably hear me say
again and again that one does not have to "train" or "teach" a child to say
"sorry", "thank you", or "please". If it is modeled, they pick it up just like
anything else. I thought this was fascinating when I read it when my ds was
preverbal. I tried it (never, ever asked him to say please, thank you or sorry).
Now, at 3 years, he says it more than most adults I know!!!!
One other thought on this subject: many of us are praise junkies! So, we
love to hear "great job". If we had been raised with having someone say "Thank
you for helping. I like how clean the kitchen smells/look" (ie putting it in
"I" terms, and how it makes us feel, rather than making a judgment like "you
are helpful"), we would be less likely to need the praise. We would be more
likely to be intrinsically motivated (it makes us feel good to make some one
feel good) rather than extrinsically motivated (we better do it or we will be
shamed; or lets do it to hear someone else tell what a good person we are).
With intrinsic motivation, one learns to feel good about themselves, regardless
of what others think. Children are born with the desire to please. I don't
think that we should take advantage of it. I think we should just let it
blossom on its own with enthusiam, and sincere appreciation.
Warmly,
Cynthia
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
things, if appreciation is given with sincerity. I think a good guideline to
use is to think of how you would treat another adult. If you dh (or friend)
helped you, you would likely say "thank you". It would sound really funny if
one said "good boy, husband, for helping me!".
I don't know if anyone posted this article, yet, but it is great:
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm
Alfie Kohn says that being enthusiastic is fine. Giving praise as a
Skinnerian behavior modification tool is not OK.
Saying "thank you" is a great way to model. You will probably hear me say
again and again that one does not have to "train" or "teach" a child to say
"sorry", "thank you", or "please". If it is modeled, they pick it up just like
anything else. I thought this was fascinating when I read it when my ds was
preverbal. I tried it (never, ever asked him to say please, thank you or sorry).
Now, at 3 years, he says it more than most adults I know!!!!
One other thought on this subject: many of us are praise junkies! So, we
love to hear "great job". If we had been raised with having someone say "Thank
you for helping. I like how clean the kitchen smells/look" (ie putting it in
"I" terms, and how it makes us feel, rather than making a judgment like "you
are helpful"), we would be less likely to need the praise. We would be more
likely to be intrinsically motivated (it makes us feel good to make some one
feel good) rather than extrinsically motivated (we better do it or we will be
shamed; or lets do it to hear someone else tell what a good person we are).
With intrinsic motivation, one learns to feel good about themselves, regardless
of what others think. Children are born with the desire to please. I don't
think that we should take advantage of it. I think we should just let it
blossom on its own with enthusiam, and sincere appreciation.
Warmly,
Cynthia
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]