Too much Praise!!!! What to do?
hilltowner4
Even after 2 years of working towards radical unschooling, I still
praise too much. It's descriptive praise, but I still feel like it's
manipulative (i.e. to get my daughters to treat each other well or
help out more).
For example, if one daughter shares or is nice with the other
daughter, I feel strongly compelled to say "That was thoughtful" or
"Thanks for sharing, it made X happy" or "That was helpful." I'm
working on decreasing this problem, but I still feel that they need
this external motivation, especially the 3 yo. (which I know is wrong).
At the same time, I do feel that letting children know that they are
helpful, etc. is important to show appreciation and help build their
self-esteem. I know with my husband and I, when we are feeling
unappreciated or underappreciated that we argue more and our cup
doesn't feel full (unfortunately, it happens more than I like, but
that's another story-lol). Some of it may also be that we just went
through several months of my older child being very angry with my
younger child. Fortunately, we are in a much happier, better place
now, but maybe I fear it will return if I don't continue to point out
the positive behavior.
Where do I draw the line?
Thanks!
Marla mom to Amy (7 yo.) and Lily (3 yo.)
praise too much. It's descriptive praise, but I still feel like it's
manipulative (i.e. to get my daughters to treat each other well or
help out more).
For example, if one daughter shares or is nice with the other
daughter, I feel strongly compelled to say "That was thoughtful" or
"Thanks for sharing, it made X happy" or "That was helpful." I'm
working on decreasing this problem, but I still feel that they need
this external motivation, especially the 3 yo. (which I know is wrong).
At the same time, I do feel that letting children know that they are
helpful, etc. is important to show appreciation and help build their
self-esteem. I know with my husband and I, when we are feeling
unappreciated or underappreciated that we argue more and our cup
doesn't feel full (unfortunately, it happens more than I like, but
that's another story-lol). Some of it may also be that we just went
through several months of my older child being very angry with my
younger child. Fortunately, we are in a much happier, better place
now, but maybe I fear it will return if I don't continue to point out
the positive behavior.
Where do I draw the line?
Thanks!
Marla mom to Amy (7 yo.) and Lily (3 yo.)
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: marla@...
Where do I draw the line?
-=-=-=-
To me, it's about being genuine.
Keep in mind that my children are older.
But I'll often thank/praise them for their treatment of the other or of
me or of a stranger. It's showing appreciation, and it's meaningful. I
*truly* do appreciate when they are kind or generous or when they go
out of their way to be sweet.
I don't do it to be manipulative. Just honest.
If it *feels* as if you're being manipulative, then it probably *is*.
<g>
Of course, *I* think it's best to just model that generosity and
kindness, but telling someone when you're appreciative is also nice.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
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From: marla@...
Where do I draw the line?
-=-=-=-
To me, it's about being genuine.
Keep in mind that my children are older.
But I'll often thank/praise them for their treatment of the other or of
me or of a stranger. It's showing appreciation, and it's meaningful. I
*truly* do appreciate when they are kind or generous or when they go
out of their way to be sweet.
I don't do it to be manipulative. Just honest.
If it *feels* as if you're being manipulative, then it probably *is*.
<g>
Of course, *I* think it's best to just model that generosity and
kindness, but telling someone when you're appreciative is also nice.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
jlh44music
kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
Heck, I really like hearing that someone appreciates when I do
something that is nice/pleases them/makes someone happy (fill in your
own situation), NO MATTER what MY motivation is (on not)!
Jann 8-)
> Of course, *I* think it's best to just model that generosity andkindness, but telling someone when you're appreciative is also nice.>
Heck, I really like hearing that someone appreciates when I do
something that is nice/pleases them/makes someone happy (fill in your
own situation), NO MATTER what MY motivation is (on not)!
Jann 8-)
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 8/5/06, hilltowner4 <marla@...> wrote:
say, "Thanks for helping me with the dishes. It sure made it quicker so we
can go do other things." OR "Thank you for being so kind to your brother.
He seems to be having a tough day." I think it is fine to thank children
(and adults!!!) for their efforts and kindness. I also think it helps them
see that their help and kindness is appreciated (just like adults do). It
isn't arbitrary meaningless praise. It's honest and sincere. At least I
hope it is. :)
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>There is a difference between praise and thanks. :) I have been known to
> Even after 2 years of working towards radical unschooling, I still
> praise too much. It's descriptive praise, but I still feel like it's
> manipulative (i.e. to get my daughters to treat each other well or
> help out more).
say, "Thanks for helping me with the dishes. It sure made it quicker so we
can go do other things." OR "Thank you for being so kind to your brother.
He seems to be having a tough day." I think it is fine to thank children
(and adults!!!) for their efforts and kindness. I also think it helps them
see that their help and kindness is appreciated (just like adults do). It
isn't arbitrary meaningless praise. It's honest and sincere. At least I
hope it is. :)
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/5/2006 10:47:15 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
marla@... writes:
Even after 2 years of working towards radical unschooling, I still
praise too much. It's descriptive praise, but I still feel like it's
manipulative (i.e. to get my daughters to treat each other well or
help out more).
******
I'm wondering why you think it is manipulative and then perhaps that will
help you moderate yourself. Your motivation is to keep a happy home (I can
relate!) and perhaps for awhile the praising was helping but now you feel it is
no longer genuine. Is it your tone of voice? I hear many parents using too
much sweetness and it just sounds fake. I hear myself using it from time to
time and I just cringe. <g>
You are helping two small children navigate the difficult world of
relationships, I think everyone could use some help there! I think what you are doing
is great, my kids still need some help to see how what they do affects the
other. But if they are balking to my talking, I stop. With my kids, sometime
a private smile or a nod is enough. I think I use the descriptive talk
mostly when I am alone with the child now (I appreciate that you helped your
brother today, even though you didn't want to).
If you are concerned with returning to the less-than-peaceful home, I
suggest working on building relationships with each child individually and also as
a family. Perhaps if you put your energy *there* instead of focusing on
*their* relationship, you might move out of this phase that feels manipulative.
Then you can move in periodically when it does feel necessary or genuine.
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
marla@... writes:
Even after 2 years of working towards radical unschooling, I still
praise too much. It's descriptive praise, but I still feel like it's
manipulative (i.e. to get my daughters to treat each other well or
help out more).
******
I'm wondering why you think it is manipulative and then perhaps that will
help you moderate yourself. Your motivation is to keep a happy home (I can
relate!) and perhaps for awhile the praising was helping but now you feel it is
no longer genuine. Is it your tone of voice? I hear many parents using too
much sweetness and it just sounds fake. I hear myself using it from time to
time and I just cringe. <g>
You are helping two small children navigate the difficult world of
relationships, I think everyone could use some help there! I think what you are doing
is great, my kids still need some help to see how what they do affects the
other. But if they are balking to my talking, I stop. With my kids, sometime
a private smile or a nod is enough. I think I use the descriptive talk
mostly when I am alone with the child now (I appreciate that you helped your
brother today, even though you didn't want to).
If you are concerned with returning to the less-than-peaceful home, I
suggest working on building relationships with each child individually and also as
a family. Perhaps if you put your energy *there* instead of focusing on
*their* relationship, you might move out of this phase that feels manipulative.
Then you can move in periodically when it does feel necessary or genuine.
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]