newbie full of questions...here's the first one
Amy Mason
I've turned our "classical" homeschooling family upside down recently.
First came my announcement that although I was raised Catholic, I don't
believe in God. Whew, that's out of the bag, although my mother still
doesn't know, shh!. Second came the decision (mutually agreed with by
husband, whew, that makes it easier ;-) ) to unschool and then upon
further research to try to be a radical unschooler. We have four
children: ds7, dd5, dd2 1/2 and dd5 months. I already shocked both
sides of our family when we home birthed, and nurse well beyond
toddlerville and use cloth diapers and wear my babies everywhere I go
and live/eat as organically as affordable. Homeschooling fit right in
to our attachment parenting lifestyle. However, the private school
teacher in me (that I quit once I became pregnant with my first and
wizened up) is finally letting go of her schedules and lesson plans and
scopes and curriculum want lists and letting our children learn naturally.
Enough about me and back to the question at hand. I'm learning and
trying every day to be a more mindful parent. My biggest problem is
thinking fast enough; analyzing the current situation (example: sibling
spat) and trying to figure out the "radical" way to handle it. So far
my hind sight is much clearer, especially after reading this list. How
do you seasoned radicals think fast enough to avoid the raised
voices/threats/punishments? and what will our kids think of us if we
constantly reconfigure how we handled a certain situation in the past?
Thanks
Amy in WV
(you'll be hearing from me regularly I'm sure....thanks for your
patience. I am sooo grateful for everyone's advice!)
First came my announcement that although I was raised Catholic, I don't
believe in God. Whew, that's out of the bag, although my mother still
doesn't know, shh!. Second came the decision (mutually agreed with by
husband, whew, that makes it easier ;-) ) to unschool and then upon
further research to try to be a radical unschooler. We have four
children: ds7, dd5, dd2 1/2 and dd5 months. I already shocked both
sides of our family when we home birthed, and nurse well beyond
toddlerville and use cloth diapers and wear my babies everywhere I go
and live/eat as organically as affordable. Homeschooling fit right in
to our attachment parenting lifestyle. However, the private school
teacher in me (that I quit once I became pregnant with my first and
wizened up) is finally letting go of her schedules and lesson plans and
scopes and curriculum want lists and letting our children learn naturally.
Enough about me and back to the question at hand. I'm learning and
trying every day to be a more mindful parent. My biggest problem is
thinking fast enough; analyzing the current situation (example: sibling
spat) and trying to figure out the "radical" way to handle it. So far
my hind sight is much clearer, especially after reading this list. How
do you seasoned radicals think fast enough to avoid the raised
voices/threats/punishments? and what will our kids think of us if we
constantly reconfigure how we handled a certain situation in the past?
Thanks
Amy in WV
(you'll be hearing from me regularly I'm sure....thanks for your
patience. I am sooo grateful for everyone's advice!)
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 8/1/06, Amy Mason <doodlemakers@...> wrote:
experience, pre-planning and screwing up. :) Seriously, not all of us were
raised in a radically unschooled (or at the very least attachment parented)
household and even when we try to do differently, those past influences
still haunt the best of us. Read the archives and see all the times that
Deb, Ren, Rue, Kelly and Pam have "confessed" to learning something new!
What will our kids think if we are constantly reconfiguring situations?
That we are caring, understanding, trusting, forgiving and forgiveable,
learning and kind. My kids were shocked the first time their play got a bit
rough and something was broken (can't even remember what it was) and I
simply said, "Wow, you guys have a ton of energy. Why don't you take this
game out under the tree in the backyard while I clean this up?" I got the
"deer in the headlights" stare as they waited for me to blow my cool. It
never blew and the kids enjoyed their game outside and later came in where
we had bowls of ice cream and laughed about the silly rules of their new
game.
It's ok to show kids you are flexible and changing. Isn't that how we want
them to be? How better for them to learn that than by witnessing that in
their parents. :-) Welcome to Unschooling!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>How do we "think fast enough to avoid past actions?" Simple. Time,
> My biggest problem is
> thinking fast enough; analyzing the current situation (example: sibling
> spat) and trying to figure out the "radical" way to handle it. So far
> my hind sight is much clearer, especially after reading this list. How
> do you seasoned radicals think fast enough to avoid the raised
> voices/threats/punishments? and what will our kids think of us if we
> constantly reconfigure how we handled a certain situation in the past?
experience, pre-planning and screwing up. :) Seriously, not all of us were
raised in a radically unschooled (or at the very least attachment parented)
household and even when we try to do differently, those past influences
still haunt the best of us. Read the archives and see all the times that
Deb, Ren, Rue, Kelly and Pam have "confessed" to learning something new!
What will our kids think if we are constantly reconfiguring situations?
That we are caring, understanding, trusting, forgiving and forgiveable,
learning and kind. My kids were shocked the first time their play got a bit
rough and something was broken (can't even remember what it was) and I
simply said, "Wow, you guys have a ton of energy. Why don't you take this
game out under the tree in the backyard while I clean this up?" I got the
"deer in the headlights" stare as they waited for me to blow my cool. It
never blew and the kids enjoyed their game outside and later came in where
we had bowls of ice cream and laughed about the silly rules of their new
game.
It's ok to show kids you are flexible and changing. Isn't that how we want
them to be? How better for them to learn that than by witnessing that in
their parents. :-) Welcome to Unschooling!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dana_burdick
How
to think as fast as I thought I had to. The recommendation to
breath before reacting has helped a lot. The breath helps me keep
that first knee-jerk thing I think of in my head from exiting my
mouth. I have also learned, in the case of sibling spats, that
silence is a fabulous tool. It's amazing how easily an issue can be
resolved by my children's own devices.
If that doesn't work, I still breathe first and try to separate my
own feelings from the situation. I then try to really listen to the
child(ren). In the case of a fight, I try to separate the children,
so that I can give each child my full attention while helping them
to calm down. I then try to sympathize with their feelings and
validate them, if possible, by sharing my own experience in a
similar situation. I also might explain to each child what the
other person's perspective might be and what that person might be
feeling. I finally ask each child to tell the other how they are
feeling. This can be very difficult because it's hard to articulate
what you are feeling when all you really want to do is throw a shoe
at the other person. :) It is just amazing to watch the children
interact after I have taken them through this process. They will
very gently tell the other how they are hurt/angry/upset and then,
this is the part that blows me away, actually make multiple
suggestions on how their sister/brother can avoid the incident in
the future. They actually extend help to the other person that they
were mad at just a few minutes earlier. Often times, after talking
they will run off to play together. I know this sounds long, but it
takes about 5 minutes, 10 minutes max.
-Dana
> do you seasoned radicals think fast enough to avoid the raisedOne of the things I learned from these lists is that I do not have
> voices/threats/punishments?
to think as fast as I thought I had to. The recommendation to
breath before reacting has helped a lot. The breath helps me keep
that first knee-jerk thing I think of in my head from exiting my
mouth. I have also learned, in the case of sibling spats, that
silence is a fabulous tool. It's amazing how easily an issue can be
resolved by my children's own devices.
If that doesn't work, I still breathe first and try to separate my
own feelings from the situation. I then try to really listen to the
child(ren). In the case of a fight, I try to separate the children,
so that I can give each child my full attention while helping them
to calm down. I then try to sympathize with their feelings and
validate them, if possible, by sharing my own experience in a
similar situation. I also might explain to each child what the
other person's perspective might be and what that person might be
feeling. I finally ask each child to tell the other how they are
feeling. This can be very difficult because it's hard to articulate
what you are feeling when all you really want to do is throw a shoe
at the other person. :) It is just amazing to watch the children
interact after I have taken them through this process. They will
very gently tell the other how they are hurt/angry/upset and then,
this is the part that blows me away, actually make multiple
suggestions on how their sister/brother can avoid the incident in
the future. They actually extend help to the other person that they
were mad at just a few minutes earlier. Often times, after talking
they will run off to play together. I know this sounds long, but it
takes about 5 minutes, 10 minutes max.
-Dana
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: doodlemakers@...
How do you seasoned radicals think fast enough to avoid the raised
voices/threats/punishments?
-=-=-=-=--=-
I don't think it's fast thinking. I think it's about
s-l-o-w-i-n-g-d-o-w-n! <G>
Before you open your mouth, STOP. Breathe. Think. Then say what you
wish you could have heard when you were in that kind of position. How
would *you* have like to have been treated?
Also---you can stop long enough to think of at least TWO options. Pick
the nicer one.
You won't always do what's right or best. Forgive yourself. Apologize
to your child(ren). Do better next time.
Slow down.
-=-=-=-=-
and what will our kids think of us if we
constantly reconfigure how we handled a certain situation in the past?
-=-=-=-=-=-
Hopefully, they'll realize that we can do better when we know better.
That we learn. That we can change. That we are constantly striving to
be better parents. Better people. That we love them enough to be work
at it and make things better. It could give them the same inspiration!
To make good their own mistakes.
I don't think anyone would *regret* becoming gentler or kinder or more
generous or more patient or more trusting. Do you?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
From: doodlemakers@...
How do you seasoned radicals think fast enough to avoid the raised
voices/threats/punishments?
-=-=-=-=--=-
I don't think it's fast thinking. I think it's about
s-l-o-w-i-n-g-d-o-w-n! <G>
Before you open your mouth, STOP. Breathe. Think. Then say what you
wish you could have heard when you were in that kind of position. How
would *you* have like to have been treated?
Also---you can stop long enough to think of at least TWO options. Pick
the nicer one.
You won't always do what's right or best. Forgive yourself. Apologize
to your child(ren). Do better next time.
Slow down.
-=-=-=-=-
and what will our kids think of us if we
constantly reconfigure how we handled a certain situation in the past?
-=-=-=-=-=-
Hopefully, they'll realize that we can do better when we know better.
That we learn. That we can change. That we are constantly striving to
be better parents. Better people. That we love them enough to be work
at it and make things better. It could give them the same inspiration!
To make good their own mistakes.
I don't think anyone would *regret* becoming gentler or kinder or more
generous or more patient or more trusting. Do you?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
Melissa
Well, I just wanted to say that I don't analyze quickly or handle.
One thing I've learned about me is that THAT is the fast track back
to the parenting I grew up with. So I learned to be comfortable
saying "We need a break" or "I really need time to think about this"
and best of all "Wow, mom really blew that one, what's something
better we can do?" The kids respect me a lot more for saying sorry
and asking for their advice, and for being able to retract my
tendency to legislate or rule from on high (as Josh puts it) :-P
HTH a little anyway.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
One thing I've learned about me is that THAT is the fast track back
to the parenting I grew up with. So I learned to be comfortable
saying "We need a break" or "I really need time to think about this"
and best of all "Wow, mom really blew that one, what's something
better we can do?" The kids respect me a lot more for saying sorry
and asking for their advice, and for being able to retract my
tendency to legislate or rule from on high (as Josh puts it) :-P
HTH a little anyway.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Aug 1, 2006, at 8:10 PM, Amy Mason wrote:
>
> Enough about me and back to the question at hand. I'm learning and
> trying every day to be a more mindful parent. My biggest problem is
> thinking fast enough; analyzing the current situation (example:
> sibling
> spat) and trying to figure out the "radical" way to handle it. So far
> my hind sight is much clearer, especially after reading this list. How
> do you seasoned radicals think fast enough to avoid the raised
> voices/threats/punishments? and what will our kids think of us if we
> constantly reconfigure how we handled a certain situation in the past?
> Thanks
> Amy in WV
> (you'll be hearing from me regularly I'm sure....thanks for your
> patience. I am sooo grateful for everyone's advice!)
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/2/2006 2:25:49 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
My biggest problem is
thinking fast enough; analyzing the current situation (example: sibling
spat) and trying to figure out the "radical" way to handle it.<<<<<
For us, I don't try to handle the situation. I encourage my boys to talk
about it together. Talk about their feelings. If they can't do it together
because they are too angry, then they willingly separate for a bit and I talk
with each of them so that we all understand the feelings surrounding the
situation, and each of them has articulated what they are wanting/needing at that
particular time. Once they can articulate this then they work towards a
mutually agreeable solution. When they were younger they needed more help. Help
with verbalizing their feelings, wants and needs mostly. I have found that
they have always been the best at coming up with different solutions. As
they get older they need less and less help.
I have been working at this since my boys were babies so it probably comes
easier to me now. But I do know that it is hard work. My dh and I talked
about these issues before we had children. You know those old tapes play over
and over in your head at times. The voice of your mother or grandmother. I
grew up with controlling parents. Naomi Aldort, in her new book, articulates
this well, I think it was her book. About stopping when you want to speak
and letting that old way of thinking play out in your head. Say all the things
that come to mind, those knee jerk reactions, just say them in your head.
Then stop and say what you really mean to say. And if you find those words
actually spilling out of your mouth. It is OK to say let me start again. Take
it back and think about your response and start over. After a while you
won't have to do that, what you really want to say will be the first thing out
of your mouth.
Anyway this is early for me, LOL.
Long enough,
Pam G
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected] writes:
My biggest problem is
thinking fast enough; analyzing the current situation (example: sibling
spat) and trying to figure out the "radical" way to handle it.<<<<<
For us, I don't try to handle the situation. I encourage my boys to talk
about it together. Talk about their feelings. If they can't do it together
because they are too angry, then they willingly separate for a bit and I talk
with each of them so that we all understand the feelings surrounding the
situation, and each of them has articulated what they are wanting/needing at that
particular time. Once they can articulate this then they work towards a
mutually agreeable solution. When they were younger they needed more help. Help
with verbalizing their feelings, wants and needs mostly. I have found that
they have always been the best at coming up with different solutions. As
they get older they need less and less help.
I have been working at this since my boys were babies so it probably comes
easier to me now. But I do know that it is hard work. My dh and I talked
about these issues before we had children. You know those old tapes play over
and over in your head at times. The voice of your mother or grandmother. I
grew up with controlling parents. Naomi Aldort, in her new book, articulates
this well, I think it was her book. About stopping when you want to speak
and letting that old way of thinking play out in your head. Say all the things
that come to mind, those knee jerk reactions, just say them in your head.
Then stop and say what you really mean to say. And if you find those words
actually spilling out of your mouth. It is OK to say let me start again. Take
it back and think about your response and start over. After a while you
won't have to do that, what you really want to say will be the first thing out
of your mouth.
Anyway this is early for me, LOL.
Long enough,
Pam G
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
--- In [email protected], Amy Mason
<doodlemakers@...> wrote:
or play tennis or whatever - over time practicing and 'tweaking' and
trying again until certain ways of acting become second nature. Not
perfect ever really - it's a process, a path, a direction, not a
destination to arrive at.
You do the best you can with what you know now and when you know
better, you try to do better. Give yourself that same opportunity to
change and grow that you give your kids. If they question it "Hey
Mom how come last month when I jumped on the couch you yelled and
took away my GameBoy for a week and now you're helping me pile the
cushions on the floor to jump on?" Keep it simple "I'm sorry I
yelled so much in the past and punished you like that. I've come to
realize that yelling and all that was really not the way I wanted to
be so I'm working on changing how I act." Not only is it explaining
to them what's going on, it's giving them a live example that it is
possible to change things, you don't have to be 'stuck' with this or
that behavior or habit if you don't want to be. And, too, they see
that grownups aren't perfect - think of how often adults do things
to kids they wouldn't want done to them yet how little kids get
apologized to the way we would to another adult. For instance, if I
yelled at my DH for something, I'd likely apologize when I cooled
down "I'm sorry I yelled - I was really frustrated because..." and
we'd discuss it. For some folks, if they yell at a child, they see
no need to say "I'm sorry I yelled, I was really frustrated
because..." and discuss the situation. They just go on and assume
it'll all blow over and apologizing to kids is a sign of "weak
parenting" or something, a "lack of control" over the kids.
Apologies are often seen as a sign of weakness in our culture - only
the weaker party need apologize- if you're stronger, richer, more
powerful, etc. just go about your business no matter what you've
done.
--Deb
<doodlemakers@...> wrote:
> My biggest problem isSame way that you know how to ride a bicycle or drive a car or swim
> thinking fast enough; analyzing the current situation (example:
>sibling
> spat) and trying to figure out the "radical" way to handle it. So
>far
> my hind sight is much clearer, especially after reading this
>list. How
> do you seasoned radicals think fast enough to avoid the raised
> voices/threats/punishments? and what will our kids think of us if
>we
> constantly reconfigure how we handled a certain situation in the
>past?
> Thanks
or play tennis or whatever - over time practicing and 'tweaking' and
trying again until certain ways of acting become second nature. Not
perfect ever really - it's a process, a path, a direction, not a
destination to arrive at.
You do the best you can with what you know now and when you know
better, you try to do better. Give yourself that same opportunity to
change and grow that you give your kids. If they question it "Hey
Mom how come last month when I jumped on the couch you yelled and
took away my GameBoy for a week and now you're helping me pile the
cushions on the floor to jump on?" Keep it simple "I'm sorry I
yelled so much in the past and punished you like that. I've come to
realize that yelling and all that was really not the way I wanted to
be so I'm working on changing how I act." Not only is it explaining
to them what's going on, it's giving them a live example that it is
possible to change things, you don't have to be 'stuck' with this or
that behavior or habit if you don't want to be. And, too, they see
that grownups aren't perfect - think of how often adults do things
to kids they wouldn't want done to them yet how little kids get
apologized to the way we would to another adult. For instance, if I
yelled at my DH for something, I'd likely apologize when I cooled
down "I'm sorry I yelled - I was really frustrated because..." and
we'd discuss it. For some folks, if they yell at a child, they see
no need to say "I'm sorry I yelled, I was really frustrated
because..." and discuss the situation. They just go on and assume
it'll all blow over and apologizing to kids is a sign of "weak
parenting" or something, a "lack of control" over the kids.
Apologies are often seen as a sign of weakness in our culture - only
the weaker party need apologize- if you're stronger, richer, more
powerful, etc. just go about your business no matter what you've
done.
--Deb