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In a message dated 7/8/2004 5:29:31 PM Central Daylight Time,
earthmothergypsy@... writes:

BEAR is in the yard!!!!!!

Don't talk to her just go get her in doors physically! explain on the way!
(all this coming from someone who has no bears around! Just what i would
do!)
syndi


"...since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it
is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn
out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able
to learn whatever needs to be learned."
-- _John Holt_ (http://www.quoteworld.org/author.php?thetext=John+Holt)


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In a message dated 7/8/2004 6:29:32 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
earthmothergypsy@... writes:

ALSO: Wouldn't ignoring a request by someone also be considered
disrespectful? If we ignored our kid's needs and requests they would
feel it as disrespectful. IYKWIM. Isn't it the same in reverse?
How do we teach them this? Or is it something that is just learned
in time? <<<<

Question is---have you ever ignored her requests "to do it right NOW"? Maybe
she got that from you?

I think it IS learned over time. They don't pop out respectful. They pop out
needy. They will learn respect if they are respected. And how to be
disrespectful if not respected.

I have no idea how it worked for us. My children and my dogs: if I yell,
"NO!"----they all automatically stop and sit and stop whatever they were doing,
whereever they are. They NEVER hear "NO!" unless it's an emergency. When I
scream, "NOW!"---they all come running to me. Again, I never yell "NOW!" unless
it's an emergency. I don't know what I did to reinforce this. I'm guessing
it's all in the tone of voice and the look of fear in my eyes: they KNOW I'm
serious.

Maybe you could set up a scene where you talk about there being a bear or
something else scary nearby. This is what you'd yell, and this is what she
should do----run straight for you because you're scared for her life.

I know a lot of Cameron's friends would not "hear" their moms call for
them----thinking that they would be called in from playing outside and from having
a good time. "Selective" hearing. I wanted to avoid that. I'd call out
"Cameron Check!", and he's answer, "Mommy Check!" And vice versa: if he needed to
know where I was, he could call out, "Mommy Check!" and I'd answer, "Cameron
Check!" All that was was a way for each of us to know that the other was
nearby. I never used it to find him to tell him it was time to go or to stop him
from playing. It was just a "check"----to make sure he was close.

I think if there were bears in my yard, I would let her know in NO uncertain
terms that she needs to come when I call. That's not open for debate. I
think my children need to come when I call at all times, but at the same time,
they KNOW I won't call them unless it's important.

That looks funny when I read back what I wrote. But they KNOW when I NEED
them to do what I say when I use that tone of voice. They never ask questions
when they hear that tone.

~Kelly


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earthmothergypsy

Kelly,

I LOVE the idea of "checking"! That is a great idea. I do have to
check on them and usually just call a name and they answer because I
can't say I have ever made them come inside from playing. lol! My
kids are pretty free to do what they want. I have asked dd to tell
me when she is going outside to play and why I need her to do that
and she always does. She is a very "spirited" child and has been
since birth. (I am not into labels-this is just the only way to give
you an idea of her personallity.)
DD really can and does rub people the wrong way A LOT. To the point
where they don't want to be bothered with her. This makes me very
sad for her and I don't know what to do about it. She also acts out
when this happens. We are dealing with this right now. Her older
sister and her boyfriend just moved on our property (a very temporary
situation) and her boyfriend treats the 2 yr old dd (Heather) all
sweet and he pushes 6 yr old dd (Spring) away. And even when he
doesn't, you can tell from his stiff body language that he doesn't
want her near him. Spring can "feel" this. Everyone can. My mother
does the same thing, so when she visits life is horrible. Spring is
out of control the whole time her grandmother is here. (Not saying
we control her-it is her own actions that become out of control.) My
loving child becomes a monster!
I have my home set up child friendly. Which means that they
basically have total freedom. If they are hungry they can reach
foods to eat and don't have to ask-though I have tried to get them to
let me know they are hungry in case it is almost dinner time and we
will be eating real soon (and I still tend to feed them a quick snack
because they are hungry and shouldn't have to wait). :)

Any suggestions about how to handle this situation above with others
not wanting her near? I am really lost on this one.

I don't expect my kids to act "right now" unless it is a dangerous
situation. They know they can say "wait a minute" just like we can
if necessary. Sometimes things do have to wait. (Like when you are
in the bathroom and they need something "right now"-lol!) There are
times in our family life when we all have to wait a minute or two for
something. We do try to meet all needs asap simply because it is
important no matter what age they are. DH and I always try and make
sure one of us is available to them at all times. This can be
challenging when you are out rounding up a calf that has just gotten
out of it's pen. lol! But we try. Treating kids with respect is
the only way to go. (Now if I could just get my mother to understand
this.)

Thanks for your help.
~Amanda

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In a message dated 7/10/2004 5:22:40 PM Central Daylight Time,
earthmothergypsy@... writes:


>
> DD really can and does rub people the wrong way A LOT. To the point
> where they don't want to be bothered with her. This makes me very
> sad for her and I don't know what to do about it. She also acts out
> when this happens. We are dealing with this right now.

i have a now 18 yr.old who was very much like that as a child,,,it was like
he would just ''do''things,,with out alot of thought ,,,,what changed him was
when he found his nitch,,,what''he''could shine at...which in his case is
computers,,he can build a working computer in less than 10 minutes,,,he loves it
,,it all started when a friend at my church,after i was clueless as to what to
do cause hubby hasnt helping an already bad situation,, sort of took him under
his wing and mentored him for most of a year,,,it sparked something in
him,,,!,hes working doing what he loves ,,,being inside a computer and making it
work 11he still does ''stuff'' but he understands better when someone is
getting aggitated or when someone willnot find him funny at all and to
chill,,,,,takes time,,
they feel the negative energy and i think it feed what ever it is ...i told
my husband once it was like he was being pinched by something we dont see and
it would make him do ''something irratating,,,,,he'sgrown out of 90% of it
,,,June



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In a message dated 7/10/2004 6:23:07 PM Eastern Standard Time,
earthmothergypsy@... writes:

Treating kids with respect is
the only way to go. (Now if I could just get my mother to understand
this.)




***************************


We had a situation a few years ago, where by my MIL showed clear favortism
to one of our children, nearly ignoring the other two and often saying hurtful
things to them that would send me out of my mind.

I spoke with dh about it and he agreed. The next time his mother came over,
he pulled her aside and told her in no uncertain terms, that while we loved
her and valued her company, it was absolutely unacceptable to continue her
behavior with the kids. We added, that if it continued, we would have no other
choice than to bar her from visiting any of them.

She really is a wonderful woman - she admitted her mistake, apologized and
has clearly been making mindful choices ever since. She is 86. It's never
too old to learn.

I believe, rather than fretting and wondering what to do, you need to speak
up. You can say, "Gee, I know ________ seems like a handful sometimes, BUT
........ , kwim? We did with love and with the best interest of our children
at heart. It worked.

Linda S.


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earthmothergypsy

Linda,

We are working on her each time we speak. <g>
If we have any problems again, we will be asking her to not visit
until she can respect our family's way of living. I hate the idea
(and I do not do confrontation well at all), but it has to be done.

~Amanda


> I believe, rather than fretting and wondering what to do, you need
to speak
> up. You can say, "Gee, I know ________ seems like a handful
sometimes, BUT
> ........ , kwim? We did with love and with the best interest of
our children
> at heart. It worked.
>
> Linda S.