Malinda Mills

How do y'all break through those times when it seems like you are in a major rut? I don't mean just a few days or weeks of a general lull in activity in the family but a longer period of time, especially if there is great stress on the family.

These past 12 months have been tough -- incredibly, unbelievably tough -- with my husband deployed to Iraq. Often times it feels like I have gone into a survival mode...keeping things going in order to just make it from one day to the next. I keep up the house, put food on the table (though, the last time I cooked a real meal??? I don't have a clue), try to help keep Tristan occupied with something (whether it's playing with kids, movies, games with me, anything he enjoys), but it just seems like the bare minimum. We don't do anything new or different; I just can't get myself motivated. Most days the thought that consumes my mind is how can I get the day to pass quickly as possible. I know these aren't optimal conditions for unschooling, and it certainly isn't leading a joyful life. I was really, truly hoping this would change as Jody was due back home this coming Monday....I thought if we could just hold out a few days more, things would get back on a more even keel once we were together again as a family.

Late last night we found out that Jody will not be coming home and have no idea when our reunion will happen. Tristan's devastated. I'm truly at a loss for words for how I feel. I'm numb. I see us just slipping right back into survival mode until he gets back....4 months, 6 months, a year from now. I can't let that happen. A lull in activity for a few days/weeks...OK. For months, though???? *sigh*

I just don't know how to pull us out of this funk we fall into. Unfortunately, we've been in this mode all summer, and I don't see us emerging from it. It's not really depression (been there, done that), but just an overall feeling of indifference. We're bored but nothing catches our interest. Months ago I made up a list of things for us to do in the area. I look at it and NOTHING grabs us and says "Hey, that looks like fun!" And these are things we LOVED doing in the past....hiking, geocaching, skiing (well, winter obviously), berry picking. There are even things that we haven't done but wanted to try...archery, fencing, getting involved in the SCA, etc. I dunno...maybe I associate so many of these things with Jody, and right now I just don't derive pleasure from anything when he can't be here to share it with us. It's such silly thinking, I know, but we are such a close family and do everything together.

My mom has suggested that we get out of Fairbanks for a while, just to get us out and away from everything. At first I balked at the idea. I have a hard time coming to terms with vacationing while Jody is in the middle of a war, but I know it might help Tristan.

Sorry this has been so long and rambling, but if anyone has ideas or insight I would truly welcome it.

Malinda



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Pamela Sorooshian

On Jul 28, 2006, at 2:06 AM, Malinda Mills wrote:

> My mom has suggested that we get out of Fairbanks for a while, just
> to get us out and away from everything. At first I balked at the
> idea. I have a hard time coming to terms with vacationing while
> Jody is in the middle of a war, but I know it might help Tristan.

I can really only try to imagine what you are feeling.

I'd like to send your post to a really close friend of mine who is
also an unschooling mom whose husband is in the military. He has been
deployed overseas (gulf war) in the past, while she was home with
their kids, and she'll be very willing and able to talk to you. They
also were stationed in Alaska, by the way.

-pam

Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>





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[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: saprswife@...


My mom has suggested that we get out of Fairbanks for a while, just to
get us
out and away from everything. At first I balked at the idea. I have a
hard
time coming to terms with vacationing while Jody is in the middle of a
war, but
I know it might help Tristan.

Sorry this has been so long and rambling, but if anyone has ideas or
insight I
would truly welcome it.

--=-=-=-=

Maybe the Live and Learn Unschooling Conference in Albuquerque, NM in
September?

Seriously.

As the Conference Coordinator, I'm probably a little biased <g<, but it
just might be the shot in the arm your mother's suggesting.

I'm sorry things suck right now. I hope your husband comes back really
soon!


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org

"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6


________________________________________________________________________
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Ren Allen

Malinda,

I emailed you off list and also sent your email addy to another
unschooling family that has been through deployment for months on end.

I really believe that these kind of situations can be a temporary
"death" of sorts. It's the death of what is familiar and known, it's
hard to adapt. Also, don't discount the possibility of environmental
depression..which would be SO understandable in this situation. It
might not FEEL like depression that you've experienced before, but
everything you listed sounds like mild/environmentally caused depression.

Sending you hugs and good thoughts.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Betsy Hill

**Late last night we found out that Jody will not be coming home and
have no idea
when our reunion will happen. Tristan's devastated. I'm truly at a
loss for
words for how I feel. I'm numb.**

I'm so sorry that you had this disappointment. I can't completely
imagine how it feels, but obviously it's a huge blow on top of an
already stressful situation.

If you feel overwhelmed about doing big fun things, then could you do
little fun things? Maybe blow bubbles, make cookies, pet a kitten,
invite a friend over. Rent the silliest comedies you can find to see
if that can lift your mood or help you forget. (I don't know if
Netflix has fast service to AK, but not having to drive to the video
store is a terrific convenience.)

While under so much stress, it's okay to regress and spend time doing
things your son liked to do when he was a couple of years younger. He
might find that comforting. He may also need to run and yell or whack
a tennis ball or pound clay or make music or pictures in order to
express some of his powerful feelings right now. Encouraging some of
those activities is probably worthwhile.

I've been in kind of do-little slump myself, and have absolutely no
excuse for it, so I hope it helps you to know that slumps happen to
lots of us. Sometimes even Superwoman takes off her cape. (Although
Martha Stewart claims to think in her sleep! <eg> I think we have to
admit that we can't all be Martha. Let's hope Martha never writes a
homeschooling magazine. That would be painful!)

Betsy

Malinda

> I can really only try to imagine what you are feeling.

Grief, fear, anger, frustration, defeat...roll up every
negative/painful emotion you can possibly think of and, yep, that's me
in a nutshell. I need to channel all of this into something positive
for Tristan and myself -- I'm trying. :o)


> I'd like to send your post to a really close friend of mine who is
> also an unschooling mom whose husband is in the military.

Thanks, Pam, I'd really appreciate that. This has been our first
deployment, and it's been so very hard. This news was a terrible kick
in the gut.

Malinda

Malinda

> Maybe the Live and Learn Unschooling Conference in Albuquerque, NM
in September?
>
> Seriously.

You know, I thought about that option late last night. As much as I
wanted to attend, I knew I wouldn't be able to swing it financially,
with the plane tixs and such. But.... ;o)

I mentioned it to my mom today, and it looks like we will be there!!!!
My parents have been trying to get me to visit them in San Antonio for
several years and have a few free airline tixs. Tristan and I will
fly to Texas, spend a few days, and then my mom, Tristan, and I will
head to Albuquerque. It looks to be turning into quite the adventure.
LOL

First thing tomorrow I'll be locking down kennel and hotel
reservations. :o) I think this would do Tristan and I a whole lot of
good, and we're both really looking forward to it.

Malinda

Malinda

>If you feel overwhelmed about doing big fun things, then could you
do little fun things?

That's true! A lot of the things we really enjoy doing involve
getting out (like an hour or more out of town), and for some reason
that has just been too overwhelming for me while Jody's gone. I
can't figure out why, though. A focus on small joys is something we
could really use right now, and movies are great for that. We have
gotten quite hooked on the One Piece original anime (me even a
little moreso than Tristan...go figure!), and I splurged and bought
the rest of the series on ebay. We've gotten into a routine of
watching a few episodes late at night. :o)


>(I don't know if Netflix has fast service to AK, but not having to
drive to the video store is a terrific convenience.)

Unfortunately, their service isn't terribly quick when it comes to
AK, but I may end up opening an account again if Tristan shows an
interest in movies that we can't find at our video store.



> While under so much stress, it's okay to regress and spend time
doing things your son liked to do when he was a couple of years
younger. He might find that comforting.

I find we've been spending A LOT of time at our neighborhood park
(quite a bit more than usual). Usually Tristan wants tons of kids
there, but lately he's more content if it's empty. He'll just swing
away, lost in thought, for the longest time. He's actually doing
much better than I thought he would. There has been such a change
in him over the past year. As much as I've tried to protect him,
this deployment has forced him to mature emotionally way beyond his
years. It's like he's 9 going on 25.


>Let's hope Martha never writes a
> homeschooling magazine. That would be painful!)

Oh grief, let's hope not!! LOL Thanks so much, Betsy.

Malinda

Kerryn L Gutmanis

Hi Malinda

My hubby is in the same place right now. And sometimes I find myself just sitting by the fire (it's mid winter here in Aus) and just wondering why I'm just sitting by the fire. Because of the medical needs of three of my children I need to travel 350 kms every 4-6 weeks. The stress of responsibility is often what wears me down.

But, I look at the way our lives are working out each day, and I'm glad that the children have a lot of freedom, and I am no longer badgering them to complete curriculums that have no meaning.

One thing that has helped me is preparing parcels for my dh. I always have a large parcel pack addressed and ready for sending. As the children write or draw anything they would like to send, they just put it in. And when we go shopping we always shop for yummy things for daddy. Lollies he can't get, and special toiletries that make life a little nicer for him. I buy newspapers and mags, and I probably spend a lot of time just organising things to send him. This motivates me.

Oh, and another thing is our family blog. The children love to take photos with the blog in mind. They even set up a scene to photograph, and they will spend a lot of time going over past posts.

So this is how we have survived this year. Not always on top of the world, so to speak, but surviving. It's a really big challenge, and if you would like to correspond off list for encouragement, feel free.

Kerryn
Australia
Mum to eight great little Aussies!

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Ren Allen

"Tristan and I will
fly to Texas, spend a few days, and then my mom, Tristan, and I will
head to Albuquerque. It looks to be turning into quite the adventure."

COOL!!! That's so awesome....amazing what can happen when we simply
put our intentions out there (and do something about it!).

Make sure you come say hi. I'll be there Wed. night late, so if you
come in on Thursday, be sure to say hello to a former Alaskan.:)

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Pamela Sorooshian

Oh MALINDA!!!

That gave me chills. I'm so glad - I'm sure it will make a lot of
difference to you. Heck, even just having it to plan for, to get
ready for, will be good for you, don't you think?

PLEASE say hello - I'll be there visiting with lots of old friends
and I know it can sometimes look like people are all "hooked up" and
too busy for new friends - but it isn't so, please don't hesitate to
speak up!

-pam

On Jul 29, 2006, at 2:15 AM, Malinda wrote:

> I mentioned it to my mom today, and it looks like we will be there!!!!

Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Malinda

> I really believe that these kind of situations can be a temporary
> "death" of sorts. It's the death of what is familiar and known,
it's
> hard to adapt.

I never thought of it that way, but it certainly does make sense.


>Also, don't discount the possibility of environmental
> depression..which would be SO understandable in this situation. It
> might not FEEL like depression that you've experienced before, but
> everything you listed sounds like mild/environmentally caused
depression.

I went back and read through my initial post, and it certainly
sounds like that is the case. We do have many good moments where we
joke, laugh, and are lighthearted, but there always seems to be that
cloud of indifference looming about. The incredibly negative
atmosphere where we live (our neighborhood/whole military post)
doesn't help the situation, either. I think getting us out of the
area for a while will do us a world of good. Thanks, Ren. :o)

Malinda

Malinda

>That's so awesome....amazing what can happen when we simply
> put our intentions out there (and do something about it!).

Isn't that the truth!! :o) Over the past 12 months I have been so
hesitant to leave our home for an extended period of time due to
concerns about being left out of the information loop of Jody's unit
and not being able to communicate with Jody directly. Our
communication these last few months has soley been through the
computer via email and Instant Messenging. I'm going to temporarily
confiscate my dad's laptop and bring it to the conference so we
won't lose touch, even for a day (that communication is what keeps
me going).


> Make sure you come say hi. I'll be there Wed. night late, so if you
> come in on Thursday, be sure to say hello to a former Alaskan.:)

Will do! It will be terrific to finally meet you. :o)

Malinda

Malinda

> That gave me chills. I'm so glad - I'm sure it will make a lot of
> difference to you. Heck, even just having it to plan for, to get
> ready for, will be good for you, don't you think?

It will. It really, really will. It's something to focus on, to plan
for, to look forward to. I knew getting away would be good for both
Tristan and myself and to throw the unschooling conference into the
mix? An unexpected bonus! I purchased the CD's from last year's
conference and just listening to those has made such an impact in my
life. I know attending in person will be life changing.


> PLEASE say hello - I'll be there visiting with lots of old friends
>and I know it can sometimes look like people are all "hooked up" and
>too busy for new friends - but it isn't so, please don't hesitate to
>speak up!

Will do! I tend to be really shy and introverted in groups, but I plan
to make an extra effort to break out of that. :o) Thanks so much, Pam.

Malinda

Malinda

Thanks so much, Kerryn! I'm so sorry your husband is there as
well. I can't wait until the day this whole thing is over for all
of them!

<And sometimes I find myself just sitting by the fire (it's mid
winter here in Aus) and just wondering why I'm just sitting by the
fire.>

I'm like this, too, or I'll go to the other extreme and get
antsy...I'll prowl around the house, not really doing anything, but
going from one room to the next. Almost like I'm a caged animal
trying to escape? Weird, but true.

<I'm glad that the children have a lot of freedom, and I am no
longer badgering them to complete curriculums that have no meaning. >

OH YES! I am SO glad we pulled Tristan from school. Not only does
he not need to deal with the added stress that the school
environment brought upon him, but he is free from all the mindless
work. If there is one good thing that came from this deployment, it
would be our discovery of unschooling!!

<> One thing that has helped me is preparing parcels for my dh. I
always have a large parcel pack addressed and ready for sending. >

Ah, yes, this is us, too!! :o) Rarely is there a time when Jody
requests anything, but we are constantly sending boxes. We can't
send any at this time (they don't have a mailing addy since they are
changing locations) but that hasn't stopped us from preparing one to
be ready to ship. The same goes for letters. I always feel so
helpless here, the care packages make me feel like I am helping out
in some way. And I know Jody enjoys the goodies from home. I've
sent him so many movies (both purchased and recorded from TV) that I
think our movie library will double when he comes home. LOL

<> So this is how we have survived this year. Not always on top of
the world, so to speak, but surviving. It's a really big challenge>

It sounds like y'all are doing a terrific job. :o) I especially
admire how great you're doing with a larger family. I'm spent with
just one child - Tristan has me going in 50 different directions all
day, everyday. LOL

I hope your husband will be returning home to y'all very, very soon!!

Malinda

Kerryn L Gutmanis

Malinda

I also believe that this deployment has given us a chance to experience unschooling.

We relocated from a large city, and are staying on our block of land further south while dh is away.

I want to share today's happenings, well, because I really need to....

A few things have been building up worry in me, like the track to our place is really bad and with the rain yesterday my car nearly slid into the dam runoff. Every time hubby rings I feel like I haven't done something he wanted me to. I had a really bad masititis infection last week which knocked me around. The kids had been a little (well more than a little) picky at each other. The house (a 2 bedroom house) was outrageously cluttered. Dog food had been spread throughout, blah, blah, blah..... Get the picture?!

Well this morning, the kids were playing roughly and I just passed a comment that care should be taken when.... someone yelled out "Beth's teeth aren't there!"

Yep she knocked out both her front teeth on the bunks. I just had to go outside, sit on the grass and cry. But by the time I had come back inside, everyone was calm and consoling Beth, who was very distressed. We cuddled, rang dentists and got advice, and the house had a very sombre feel about it.

The day obviously had to continue, but the children got out Rummio, Squatter, Scrabble, 3D models, craft boxes, dice, did some cooking, and lots of eating. Just watching them get on with life, even Beth, and enjoy learning and playing and being, really did my heart good. I remembered that each day is new and fresh, I can choose to let stuff get me down, or I can choose to deal with it another way. The kids also got to see me just stop and admit that this solo thing is really hard at times. And, what amazes me now, is when I look back on the rest of the day, there was barely any bickering or fuss after my admission of 'defeat'. The children just saw things that needed doing even before I did, and went out of their way to do it.

Thinking of your family also.

Kerryn
Australia

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Deb Lewis

I'm way behind but wanted to make some suggestions for the Fairbanks mom.


So while you still have some summer there and before you leave on your
trip, some ideas. My apologies if others posted these and I haven't
read that far.

Do you have room for a volleyball net? Volleyball is fun with two
people and you can add a tennis ball - even on grass- or you could play
badminton or invent your own game. Or go to the tennis courts and make
up your own game

Set up a basketball hoop. Dylan doesn't care for the organized sport of
basketball be we've had some really lovely, fun times shooting baskets
and talking.

Bocce.
Croquet.
Frisbee or Frisbee golf. I guess that's disc golf. <g>
Tether ball.
Blow bubbles.
Build a horseshoe pit and play horseshoes.

Can you still rent a canoe there?
Go biking or walking along the river.

There are hiking trails short enough for day hikes.
Go picnicking at North Pole?
Go to the museum at the University.
Do they have Musk ox there at the farm? Smelly buggers. <g>

Sometimes when we don't know what else to do we just go out of the house
and see what we see. We go get a soda. Sometimes even a few minutes out
of the house can lift your mood and refresh your ideas.

Open all the curtains and draperies and put on some dance music.
Experiment with a new recipe.

Light candles.

Once when Dylan's dad was away and Dylan was missing him I got a bunch of
helium balloons with long ribbons and let them go in the living room.
Then I made a cozy bed on the floor for us and we lay there and tried to
grab the ribbons with our toes and talked about when his dad would be
home and talked about other stuff, too. We slept on the floor and woke
up to balloons. The cats liked them too. <g>

I hope everyday gives you a little more hope and encouragement. Hang in
there.

Deb Lewis

Michelle/Melbrigða

On 8/5/06, Deb Lewis <ddzimlew@...> wrote:
>
> Sometimes even a few minutes out
> of the house can lift your mood and refresh your ideas.
>
> Open all the curtains and draperies and put on some dance music.
> Experiment with a new recipe.
>
> Light candles.


There are some days that it seems like restlessness has moved into my
house. The house is overwhelming with all there is to do, all that has been
left undone, all that has been broken or messed up or off kilter. It's
almost like you can't breathe. Those are the times when I push (and it
really feels like pushing) myself to get some shoes on, find all the shoes
for the kids and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. It doesn't matter where. Maybe a
run to the recycling center, maybe a jaunt to Dairy Queen for a cone, maybe
a trip to sonic for fries and a coke at the tables outside (or to Panera for
soup and bread if it is cold), maybe just a run to a local park to throw a
ball or hang upside down from the monkey bars (try it!) It doesn't really
matter what it is but that spirit of restlessness needs to be released.
I'll crack a window so fresh air can come into the house and I'll light a
candle or stick of incense before we leave (yeah, not always a safe thing to
do, but I do have safe containers to do such in). It's a small ritual of
cleansing the air that *really* does help. It at least makes the house feel
fresher to come home to. Seems like when we get back home from these little
jaunts that I have more energy to tackle the overflowing cat box, piles of
laundry, goopy floor from so much baking, and be better able to handle small
crises as they come up.


--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist


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