Freedom vs Neglect
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/21/2006 8:13:52 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
"(...) because a toddler wants to learn what his people do, he
expects to be able to center his attention on an adult who is
centered on her own business. An adult who stops whatever she is
doing and tries to ascertain what her child wants her to do is short-
circuiting this expectation. Just as significantly, she appears to
the tot not to know how to behave, to be lacking in confidence and,
even more alarmingly, looking for guidance from him, a two or three
year old who is relying on her to be calm, competent, and sure of
herself."<<<<<
What that sounded like to me is that a child wants a parent that has
passions and interests, wants to watch the parents in action, doing what they are
doing. If, everytime the child comes near, the parent stops to find out what
the child wants or wants from the parent, trying to find out what the child
needs, then the child misses the opportunity to just observe the parent in
action. Misses that chance to see what being totally engrossed in something
is like. It didn't sound to me like the author of that quote was suggesting
to just ignore the child, but not to always assume that because a child comes
to you, that they want something from you.
Just what I took from that quote,
Pam G
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected] writes:
"(...) because a toddler wants to learn what his people do, he
expects to be able to center his attention on an adult who is
centered on her own business. An adult who stops whatever she is
doing and tries to ascertain what her child wants her to do is short-
circuiting this expectation. Just as significantly, she appears to
the tot not to know how to behave, to be lacking in confidence and,
even more alarmingly, looking for guidance from him, a two or three
year old who is relying on her to be calm, competent, and sure of
herself."<<<<<
What that sounded like to me is that a child wants a parent that has
passions and interests, wants to watch the parents in action, doing what they are
doing. If, everytime the child comes near, the parent stops to find out what
the child wants or wants from the parent, trying to find out what the child
needs, then the child misses the opportunity to just observe the parent in
action. Misses that chance to see what being totally engrossed in something
is like. It didn't sound to me like the author of that quote was suggesting
to just ignore the child, but not to always assume that because a child comes
to you, that they want something from you.
Just what I took from that quote,
Pam G
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
It also seemed, to me, to posit an either/or situation: either the
parent stays engrossed and the child stays on the periphery or the
parent ceases their activity when the child comes around to do what
the child chooses to do. Misses a third option that is more common at
our house than either of those: the adult invites the child in to
whatever it is they are doing (offering some yarn to play with while
the parent knits, offering some clay while sculpting, asking for a
hand tearing lettuce while making dinner, etc), with the child having
the option of joining in or just hanging out nearby(or going back and
forth between these).
--Deb
parent stays engrossed and the child stays on the periphery or the
parent ceases their activity when the child comes around to do what
the child chooses to do. Misses a third option that is more common at
our house than either of those: the adult invites the child in to
whatever it is they are doing (offering some yarn to play with while
the parent knits, offering some clay while sculpting, asking for a
hand tearing lettuce while making dinner, etc), with the child having
the option of joining in or just hanging out nearby(or going back and
forth between these).
--Deb
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 7/21/06, Deb <soggyboysmom@...> wrote:
observation. I, too, picked up on "something missing" from Leidoff's
comments, but couldn't put my finger on it. I, too, saw it as an
either or situation. Either the child stands and watches the parent
be engaged or the parent stops what they are doing to engage in the
child. I loved the Continuum Concept and it really spoke to my heart.
I dont' remember this particular paragraph, but got a feeling from
rereading this that children need to see adults engaged in their
passions, not just living to serve them yet not neglecting the
children's needs at the same time. I've seen extremes of parents who
"follow their passions" at the sake of their children. the children
grow up seeing mom and dad's passions as more important than their
children. The teacher who spends more time helping her students than
her children, the actor who lives on a stage and the children buy a
ticket to go see their father, the non-profit fundraiser whose
children only see them at fundraising functions, the parents who spend
every non-working hour at church.
While my mom was a sahm while we were in school she was always
engrossed in her own world. Whether she was going to school, involved
in church activities, or creating art, we watched my mother from the
sidelines. Rarely were we invited into the "inner sanctum" to
participate. I remember only a handful of times that my mom would let
us into her studio to do something and then she would get upset
because we weren't as neat as she was. I have two pieces of clay that
I made when I was a teen and those are the only two things that I ever
was allowed to make, yet my mother had her own business where she was
making various things all the time. She made the stained glass window
at the church we grew up in, yet we were hardly even allowed to watch
much less help. She quilted, knit, sewed, wove, spun, and did all
kinds of other textiles which I learned not through doing but through
watching. I did eventually learn how to knit, but it was after much
begging and whining. Maybe that is why I jump at the chance to teach
children to knit and am proud that all my kids know how to at least do
a knit stitch. I can't think of a craft or art that I have pursued
where I haven't involved the kids.
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
> It also seemed, to me, to posit an either/or situation: either theDing ding ding ding!! Give Deb a bonbon for that wonderful
> parent stays engrossed and the child stays on the periphery or the
> parent ceases their activity when the child comes around to do what
> the child chooses to do. Misses a third option that is more common at
> our house than either of those: the adult invites the child in to
> whatever it is they are doing (offering some yarn to play with while
> the parent knits, offering some clay while sculpting, asking for a
> hand tearing lettuce while making dinner, etc), with the child having
> the option of joining in or just hanging out nearby(or going back and
> forth between these).
>
observation. I, too, picked up on "something missing" from Leidoff's
comments, but couldn't put my finger on it. I, too, saw it as an
either or situation. Either the child stands and watches the parent
be engaged or the parent stops what they are doing to engage in the
child. I loved the Continuum Concept and it really spoke to my heart.
I dont' remember this particular paragraph, but got a feeling from
rereading this that children need to see adults engaged in their
passions, not just living to serve them yet not neglecting the
children's needs at the same time. I've seen extremes of parents who
"follow their passions" at the sake of their children. the children
grow up seeing mom and dad's passions as more important than their
children. The teacher who spends more time helping her students than
her children, the actor who lives on a stage and the children buy a
ticket to go see their father, the non-profit fundraiser whose
children only see them at fundraising functions, the parents who spend
every non-working hour at church.
While my mom was a sahm while we were in school she was always
engrossed in her own world. Whether she was going to school, involved
in church activities, or creating art, we watched my mother from the
sidelines. Rarely were we invited into the "inner sanctum" to
participate. I remember only a handful of times that my mom would let
us into her studio to do something and then she would get upset
because we weren't as neat as she was. I have two pieces of clay that
I made when I was a teen and those are the only two things that I ever
was allowed to make, yet my mother had her own business where she was
making various things all the time. She made the stained glass window
at the church we grew up in, yet we were hardly even allowed to watch
much less help. She quilted, knit, sewed, wove, spun, and did all
kinds of other textiles which I learned not through doing but through
watching. I did eventually learn how to knit, but it was after much
begging and whining. Maybe that is why I jump at the chance to teach
children to knit and am proud that all my kids know how to at least do
a knit stitch. I can't think of a craft or art that I have pursued
where I haven't involved the kids.
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
Deb
--- In [email protected], "Michelle/Melbrigða"
<pamperedmichelle@...> wrote:
raspberry, cherry or orange preferably thank you (lol)
sculptress friend of ours (his baby fine hair down to his shoulders
with his bushy facial hair, beard down the middle of his chest, made
a great textural piece) and DS went with him to her studio (she knew
in advance that that was part of the deal and she's really cool with
kids). Her one concern was all the sketches she had hanging up of
nudes. I told her not to worry - if DS had questions, he'd ask, but
that he already knew what DH and I look like unclothed, so no
big "surprises" there. When they got there, he did ask a
question "How come there are so many naked butts?" She just
explained that she used those sketches to know how to make her
sculptures and all...and he said Oh okay and went back to playing
his Gameboy. When he showed an interest in the clay and how she was
using it, she handed him a couple of bits that she had removed in
the process and let him go to town with it. Nothing he wanted to
keep but he had fun experiencing it.
--Deb
<pamperedmichelle@...> wrote:
>WHo hoo - I prefer dark chocolate with a nice fruity cream filling,
>
> Ding ding ding ding!! Give Deb a bonbon for that wonderful
> observation.
raspberry, cherry or orange preferably thank you (lol)
> I remember only a handful of times that my mom would letThat was a fun thing for DS - last summer DH was sitting for a
> us into her studio to do something and then she would get upset
> because we weren't as neat as she was. I have two pieces of clay
>that
> I made when I was a teen and those are the only two things that I
>ever
> was allowed to make,
sculptress friend of ours (his baby fine hair down to his shoulders
with his bushy facial hair, beard down the middle of his chest, made
a great textural piece) and DS went with him to her studio (she knew
in advance that that was part of the deal and she's really cool with
kids). Her one concern was all the sketches she had hanging up of
nudes. I told her not to worry - if DS had questions, he'd ask, but
that he already knew what DH and I look like unclothed, so no
big "surprises" there. When they got there, he did ask a
question "How come there are so many naked butts?" She just
explained that she used those sketches to know how to make her
sculptures and all...and he said Oh okay and went back to playing
his Gameboy. When he showed an interest in the clay and how she was
using it, she handed him a couple of bits that she had removed in
the process and let him go to town with it. Nothing he wanted to
keep but he had fun experiencing it.
--Deb