need ideas/insight
neha
Hi Everyone,
My name is Neha - I've been on this list for quite sometime, but haven't posted much. I read a lot of everyone's back & forth, and some posts have been immensely helpful. Thanks!
Briefly, I have a soon to be 6yo son, that I have been unschooling pretty much the whole time. We have a great time & a wonderful relationship - but there is one thing that I have been trying very hard to figure out that would work for both of us & am running out of ideas. I thought maybe there is something I am just not seeing - that someone on the 'outside' may be able to see - so, here I am, presenting my dilema to all of you... thoughts, ideas, insight needed....
Nishay (my son) LOVES movies. & he loves watching them at night - ALL night, til the sun comes out in the morning - literally (or he conks out, whichever comes first)... Now here is where my problem comes in.... he wants me (or his dad, but that is impossible since he has to go to work), to stay up with him for these movie marathons. For a while, I tried adjusting my daily cycle to accomodate him - but, it's been over a year now that I have been trying, & am still not 'adjusted'. He is really unhappy to have to do these movie nights alone - & i don't like it either - I want to be with him if he wants me to be there - but I am having a tough time. I am running low on energy, I can't get things done during the day, I get very little time with my husband... etc etc.
The things we have tried so far....
1) He watches the movies & I just sleep there with him. In theory - great - except he is constantly waking me up to ask me questions, get him food (apart from the stash that we got before we start the night), and, it is mighty uncomfortable sleeping on the couch every night. He insists on doing the movies in the TV room, as he wants the bigger TV and all his toys are there - which he is playing with the whole time the movies are running.
2) Watch the movies in our bed on the computer (we co-sleep), with headsets on so it wont disturb me & his dad. Some of the same problems - questions all the time, asking for more food that we didnt think of before we got to bed... etc, plus other problems like - the headsets aren't comfortable (we've tried 3 different sets so far), can't watch movies on video, can't play with his toys.... (the only upside is the bed is more comfortable).
3) We put a little TV & video in the next room, I equipped it with all his favorite night time foods and toys.... still - the same problems of questions & more food, ....
4) We (nishay, me & his dad) worked out a weekly schedule - 2 nights a week, I would stay up with him, two nights a week he'd come sleep with us and the rest of the nights were upto him - if he wanted to do movie nights, he needed to do them on his own - in his room or in our bed or in the TV room - but without disturbing me at all. (lasted a week -- always one last question....)
Eventually, I got so tired, I couldnt stay up even the two nights a week & am tired all the time, all week, all day. Nishay asks me why I am always tired!! I told him, we talked, I explained, he says he understands... but, at night - he still wants me to do the movie nights with him....
what am i missing? what else can i do? i understand he enjoys these nights & i really wish i could participate in them & enjoy them & well, still be able to function ..... but I can't. i've tried.
Thanks in advance for all the anticipated insight/advice.
neha
---------------------------------
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Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail Beta.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My name is Neha - I've been on this list for quite sometime, but haven't posted much. I read a lot of everyone's back & forth, and some posts have been immensely helpful. Thanks!
Briefly, I have a soon to be 6yo son, that I have been unschooling pretty much the whole time. We have a great time & a wonderful relationship - but there is one thing that I have been trying very hard to figure out that would work for both of us & am running out of ideas. I thought maybe there is something I am just not seeing - that someone on the 'outside' may be able to see - so, here I am, presenting my dilema to all of you... thoughts, ideas, insight needed....
Nishay (my son) LOVES movies. & he loves watching them at night - ALL night, til the sun comes out in the morning - literally (or he conks out, whichever comes first)... Now here is where my problem comes in.... he wants me (or his dad, but that is impossible since he has to go to work), to stay up with him for these movie marathons. For a while, I tried adjusting my daily cycle to accomodate him - but, it's been over a year now that I have been trying, & am still not 'adjusted'. He is really unhappy to have to do these movie nights alone - & i don't like it either - I want to be with him if he wants me to be there - but I am having a tough time. I am running low on energy, I can't get things done during the day, I get very little time with my husband... etc etc.
The things we have tried so far....
1) He watches the movies & I just sleep there with him. In theory - great - except he is constantly waking me up to ask me questions, get him food (apart from the stash that we got before we start the night), and, it is mighty uncomfortable sleeping on the couch every night. He insists on doing the movies in the TV room, as he wants the bigger TV and all his toys are there - which he is playing with the whole time the movies are running.
2) Watch the movies in our bed on the computer (we co-sleep), with headsets on so it wont disturb me & his dad. Some of the same problems - questions all the time, asking for more food that we didnt think of before we got to bed... etc, plus other problems like - the headsets aren't comfortable (we've tried 3 different sets so far), can't watch movies on video, can't play with his toys.... (the only upside is the bed is more comfortable).
3) We put a little TV & video in the next room, I equipped it with all his favorite night time foods and toys.... still - the same problems of questions & more food, ....
4) We (nishay, me & his dad) worked out a weekly schedule - 2 nights a week, I would stay up with him, two nights a week he'd come sleep with us and the rest of the nights were upto him - if he wanted to do movie nights, he needed to do them on his own - in his room or in our bed or in the TV room - but without disturbing me at all. (lasted a week -- always one last question....)
Eventually, I got so tired, I couldnt stay up even the two nights a week & am tired all the time, all week, all day. Nishay asks me why I am always tired!! I told him, we talked, I explained, he says he understands... but, at night - he still wants me to do the movie nights with him....
what am i missing? what else can i do? i understand he enjoys these nights & i really wish i could participate in them & enjoy them & well, still be able to function ..... but I can't. i've tried.
Thanks in advance for all the anticipated insight/advice.
neha
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail Beta.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
Hmmm my first "instinct" is that he's wanting time alone with you.
Though you're there all day too, you're also doing "other stuff"
during the day, whether it's going places he likes, keeping some
semblance of sanitary in the house (lol - I just took a broom to the
living room floor the other day when I got tired of watching fluffs
of dog hair swirl away every time I walked), whatever. At night,
there's no phone calls, no Internet/email, no postman ringing (once
I hope, twice seems to cause problems to borrow from a movie LOL),
no errands to do, no meals to prepare, etc. Just you and him.
Because it really seems from your description that it's not so much
the movies (since he's also wanting food, wanting toys, etc) as it
is having YOU there providing focused attention. I remember a bit
ago when DS (now 8) was consistently requesting food-that-required-
assistance right as I was getting into bed/falling asleep. Since I'm
the one who gets up for work, it finally got to where I just
said "Daddy can get it for you". That *wouldn't* work - he only
wanted <whatever> the way *I* made it. Ding! Then, once I was
downstairs having prepared whatever, he wanted "someone" to stay
with him while he ate (and usually he watched TV or a video at the
same time). DING!(duh!) He wanted ME. Yes, he was probably hungry
too at that point, knowing him, but he also wanted the interaction.
He was "hungry" for more mommy time. Now I make sure to focus on him
first thing when I get home from work, we have a once a week mom &
son night out (also gives DH some quiet since he's home with DS all
day and he needs down time), and sometimes I will stay nearby while
he eats or he will pick something that he can carry upstairs (we've
worked out what and where and all regarding food in our bedroom) so
I can fall asleep while he eats. I'm one of those fortunate ones who
can fall asleep in just about any circumstance - TV, music, lights,
whatever, as need be (I think it comes from sharing a bedroom with a
5 yrs younger sister who (a) needed the light on when she was young
(b) woke up and watched cartoons way way earlier than I would have
liked) so if DH and/or DS want to stay up and watch TV while I'm
falling asleep, that's fine.
It almost sounds like maybe he's nervous somehow about falling
asleep too. Maybe a casual discussion (mom & son time) about
sleeping in general - why we sleep, what happens when we sleep, etc.
and see what pops out. He might have had a bad dream or something
that makes it hard for him to want to go to sleep - he thinks it'll
happen again. Could even be something like toileting - it's not
uncommon for boys especially to not be totally dry at night for well
past 6 yrs old - and if he's gotten your common sleeping space damp
on occasion he may be concerned about doing that again (especially
if he got grumping or complaining from DH or you about it - doesn't
sound like something you'd do, though, from the gentle tone of your
post).
And too he might just be a night owl personality. Which is a problem
when he's got early bird parents (or is your DH a night owl
personality who has conformed his sleep to a daytime job?)
I'd suggest taking time with your DH when you can get it -
seriously. If your DS conks out at 3 am WAKE your DH up and have
some nookie time. Look for other 'creative' ways to get that time -
join him in the shower in the morning after DS has fallen asleep and
before you join DS in bed and DH heads to work. Whatever.
All of this is just scattershot ideas to see if anything
goers "Ping! That might be worth a try!"
--Deb
Though you're there all day too, you're also doing "other stuff"
during the day, whether it's going places he likes, keeping some
semblance of sanitary in the house (lol - I just took a broom to the
living room floor the other day when I got tired of watching fluffs
of dog hair swirl away every time I walked), whatever. At night,
there's no phone calls, no Internet/email, no postman ringing (once
I hope, twice seems to cause problems to borrow from a movie LOL),
no errands to do, no meals to prepare, etc. Just you and him.
Because it really seems from your description that it's not so much
the movies (since he's also wanting food, wanting toys, etc) as it
is having YOU there providing focused attention. I remember a bit
ago when DS (now 8) was consistently requesting food-that-required-
assistance right as I was getting into bed/falling asleep. Since I'm
the one who gets up for work, it finally got to where I just
said "Daddy can get it for you". That *wouldn't* work - he only
wanted <whatever> the way *I* made it. Ding! Then, once I was
downstairs having prepared whatever, he wanted "someone" to stay
with him while he ate (and usually he watched TV or a video at the
same time). DING!(duh!) He wanted ME. Yes, he was probably hungry
too at that point, knowing him, but he also wanted the interaction.
He was "hungry" for more mommy time. Now I make sure to focus on him
first thing when I get home from work, we have a once a week mom &
son night out (also gives DH some quiet since he's home with DS all
day and he needs down time), and sometimes I will stay nearby while
he eats or he will pick something that he can carry upstairs (we've
worked out what and where and all regarding food in our bedroom) so
I can fall asleep while he eats. I'm one of those fortunate ones who
can fall asleep in just about any circumstance - TV, music, lights,
whatever, as need be (I think it comes from sharing a bedroom with a
5 yrs younger sister who (a) needed the light on when she was young
(b) woke up and watched cartoons way way earlier than I would have
liked) so if DH and/or DS want to stay up and watch TV while I'm
falling asleep, that's fine.
It almost sounds like maybe he's nervous somehow about falling
asleep too. Maybe a casual discussion (mom & son time) about
sleeping in general - why we sleep, what happens when we sleep, etc.
and see what pops out. He might have had a bad dream or something
that makes it hard for him to want to go to sleep - he thinks it'll
happen again. Could even be something like toileting - it's not
uncommon for boys especially to not be totally dry at night for well
past 6 yrs old - and if he's gotten your common sleeping space damp
on occasion he may be concerned about doing that again (especially
if he got grumping or complaining from DH or you about it - doesn't
sound like something you'd do, though, from the gentle tone of your
post).
And too he might just be a night owl personality. Which is a problem
when he's got early bird parents (or is your DH a night owl
personality who has conformed his sleep to a daytime job?)
I'd suggest taking time with your DH when you can get it -
seriously. If your DS conks out at 3 am WAKE your DH up and have
some nookie time. Look for other 'creative' ways to get that time -
join him in the shower in the morning after DS has fallen asleep and
before you join DS in bed and DH heads to work. Whatever.
All of this is just scattershot ideas to see if anything
goers "Ping! That might be worth a try!"
--Deb
Ren Allen
"Eventually, I got so tired, I couldnt stay up even the two nights a
week & am tired all the time, all week, all day"
Um...how about saying "I'm tired now, I'm going to bed"?
I have NO problem letting someone know how *I* feel and what MY needs
are also. My children's needs are important, but so are my own!! Yeah,
we often put our own needs off to help our children, but as they get
older, they can understand what "I'm REALLY tired" means.
I don't think it's beneficial to hurt yourself just to stay up
watching movies. You can explain to him that he can stay up if he
chooses, but YOU choose to sleep now. I'd let him know you're happy to
watch the movies with him when you're rested.
It's obvious you're trying to give him that time whenever you can. I'm
sure he can understand when you truly can't anymore because your body
needs something.
That's a personal boundaries thing again. I don't think it's
particularly helpful for a child to see a parent doing things for
someone else to the point that they aren't feeling well!! If you need
sleep, you need sleep.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
week & am tired all the time, all week, all day"
Um...how about saying "I'm tired now, I'm going to bed"?
I have NO problem letting someone know how *I* feel and what MY needs
are also. My children's needs are important, but so are my own!! Yeah,
we often put our own needs off to help our children, but as they get
older, they can understand what "I'm REALLY tired" means.
I don't think it's beneficial to hurt yourself just to stay up
watching movies. You can explain to him that he can stay up if he
chooses, but YOU choose to sleep now. I'd let him know you're happy to
watch the movies with him when you're rested.
It's obvious you're trying to give him that time whenever you can. I'm
sure he can understand when you truly can't anymore because your body
needs something.
That's a personal boundaries thing again. I don't think it's
particularly helpful for a child to see a parent doing things for
someone else to the point that they aren't feeling well!! If you need
sleep, you need sleep.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com