Choice in Chores
Alice Sackman
I wanted to share a radical jump we made as family this past weekend while camping. Brifely: we have been unschooling/deschooling since last June when my 3 kids left the public school system.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago we went camping and brought along my 10 yr old niece (who lives in a very authoritarion family). Every time I asked for her help with something she suddenly became very ill and weak and couldn't do a thing. It didn't seem to matter if the work was little or big, she just went into this big "helpless sick" me act. I was getting just infuriated! The thing that bugged me about it was it was so dang dishonest (although I don't think she thought she was being dishonest). I kept thinking I would have rather her just say, "No, Auntie, I don't want to help you right now" rather than go into the pity-party act. I felt very manipulated. Clearly, this was a survival tactic she uses in her ultra-disciplinarian house and it was exactly the kick in the pants that I needed to see how to change my own relationship with my children when it comes to chores.
Now, I don't assign chores or demand chores be done. Generally I ask for help. But nevertheless, it was sort of vague: do my kids have a choice or not??? I don't think they were sure and my dh and I weren't really sure either. My niece helped me to see the far extreme behavior of what happens when a child doesn't feel safe to just say no. I also was able to witness exactly why it was detrimental to a relationship - namely it was dishonest and manipulative. I would get mad and try to control/manipulate her, she would pull the act instead of honestly just saying what she felt and on it went.
This camping trip, I announced to everyone that everyone, yes everyone, would have a choice about what they did. No one was "required" to do any work and that it was perfectly acceptable to say "I choose not to do that." Right off the bat my DH became very angry and resentful and kept pulling out, "Well I choose not to drive everyone there" and "I choose not to build a campfire." Amazing to see all the baggage just come streaming out! I just kept reassuring him that that was ok, and I would be glad to drive if he chose not to, etc. Luckily, he worked through his own issues on it before we arrived.
Well, after that, the weekend was totally awesome! Not really because anyone helped more - I think everyone just contributed the same amount they always do - but because it transformed the way we approached doing the work. I liked being able to opt out myself! I liked not having to stress about "getting" the kids to do stuff. Or worrying that I was the only one doing it - then I would just choose to stop myself. Sometimes the kids chose to help, sometimes they didn't and that was ok. The kids loved it. We used rather stilted language to express ourselves ("I choose to wash the dishes right now" or "Would anyone like to choose to chop some firewood?") mostly because we needed to keep reminding ourselves that we were making a choice. I didn't want to ask for help in the same old way because I wanted to be clear that they did have a choice and that I wasn't coercing anyone.
At one point, my ds8 asked me to get him his pillow because he chose not to go get it himself. My niece (a different one) piped in that just because he chose not to get it himself, doesn't mean he should expect someone else to do it for him, nor can he "make" anyone do it. Very perceptive. I replied, "That is true but, Andrew, I choose to go get it for you because I love you" What a wonderful way to demonstrate our love for each other and so liberating! Suddenly everything we chose to do became demonstrations of love instead of battles of coercion!
So I just wanted to say thank you for helping me make this leap and I hope it helps someone else.
-Alice
Choosing to live my joyfully with my ds 8, dd 5, dh and dear nephew!
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago we went camping and brought along my 10 yr old niece (who lives in a very authoritarion family). Every time I asked for her help with something she suddenly became very ill and weak and couldn't do a thing. It didn't seem to matter if the work was little or big, she just went into this big "helpless sick" me act. I was getting just infuriated! The thing that bugged me about it was it was so dang dishonest (although I don't think she thought she was being dishonest). I kept thinking I would have rather her just say, "No, Auntie, I don't want to help you right now" rather than go into the pity-party act. I felt very manipulated. Clearly, this was a survival tactic she uses in her ultra-disciplinarian house and it was exactly the kick in the pants that I needed to see how to change my own relationship with my children when it comes to chores.
Now, I don't assign chores or demand chores be done. Generally I ask for help. But nevertheless, it was sort of vague: do my kids have a choice or not??? I don't think they were sure and my dh and I weren't really sure either. My niece helped me to see the far extreme behavior of what happens when a child doesn't feel safe to just say no. I also was able to witness exactly why it was detrimental to a relationship - namely it was dishonest and manipulative. I would get mad and try to control/manipulate her, she would pull the act instead of honestly just saying what she felt and on it went.
This camping trip, I announced to everyone that everyone, yes everyone, would have a choice about what they did. No one was "required" to do any work and that it was perfectly acceptable to say "I choose not to do that." Right off the bat my DH became very angry and resentful and kept pulling out, "Well I choose not to drive everyone there" and "I choose not to build a campfire." Amazing to see all the baggage just come streaming out! I just kept reassuring him that that was ok, and I would be glad to drive if he chose not to, etc. Luckily, he worked through his own issues on it before we arrived.
Well, after that, the weekend was totally awesome! Not really because anyone helped more - I think everyone just contributed the same amount they always do - but because it transformed the way we approached doing the work. I liked being able to opt out myself! I liked not having to stress about "getting" the kids to do stuff. Or worrying that I was the only one doing it - then I would just choose to stop myself. Sometimes the kids chose to help, sometimes they didn't and that was ok. The kids loved it. We used rather stilted language to express ourselves ("I choose to wash the dishes right now" or "Would anyone like to choose to chop some firewood?") mostly because we needed to keep reminding ourselves that we were making a choice. I didn't want to ask for help in the same old way because I wanted to be clear that they did have a choice and that I wasn't coercing anyone.
At one point, my ds8 asked me to get him his pillow because he chose not to go get it himself. My niece (a different one) piped in that just because he chose not to get it himself, doesn't mean he should expect someone else to do it for him, nor can he "make" anyone do it. Very perceptive. I replied, "That is true but, Andrew, I choose to go get it for you because I love you" What a wonderful way to demonstrate our love for each other and so liberating! Suddenly everything we chose to do became demonstrations of love instead of battles of coercion!
So I just wanted to say thank you for helping me make this leap and I hope it helps someone else.
-Alice
Choosing to live my joyfully with my ds 8, dd 5, dh and dear nephew!
Nicole Willoughby
ok I just have to stick my 2 cents in here :)
First it was nice to hear somone else talk about it. It may help me explain it to someone else . I have people comment on how sweet and helpful Courtney is and then when they find out I dont require her to do any chores they are boggled at how she learned to be so helpful and responsible.
Second...You just kinda did a little marriage counseling :) DH has often done this same "suddenly sick" routine when Ive asked him to do something. It has also angered me and Ive wondered why he does it. It really didnt occur to me untill know but.......maybe since he was raised having to do chores and not having a choice that he dosent realize he has a choice?
I think Im going to sit down and have a talk with him. Let him know that it really is ok to say no Im really interested in my computer game, book etc and dont want to do it right now or even at all today .
Nicole
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
First it was nice to hear somone else talk about it. It may help me explain it to someone else . I have people comment on how sweet and helpful Courtney is and then when they find out I dont require her to do any chores they are boggled at how she learned to be so helpful and responsible.
Second...You just kinda did a little marriage counseling :) DH has often done this same "suddenly sick" routine when Ive asked him to do something. It has also angered me and Ive wondered why he does it. It really didnt occur to me untill know but.......maybe since he was raised having to do chores and not having a choice that he dosent realize he has a choice?
I think Im going to sit down and have a talk with him. Let him know that it really is ok to say no Im really interested in my computer game, book etc and dont want to do it right now or even at all today .
Nicole
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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-----Original Message-----
From: cncnawilloughby@...
First it was nice to hear somone else talk about it. It may help me
explain it
to someone else . I have people comment on how sweet and helpful
Courtney is and
then when they find out I dont require her to do any chores they are
boggled at
how she learned to be so helpful and responsible.
-=-=-
Cool
-=-=-=-
Second...You just kinda did a little marriage counseling :) DH has
often done
this same "suddenly sick" routine when Ive asked him to do something.
It has
also angered me and Ive wondered why he does it. It really didnt occur
to me
untill know but.......maybe since he was raised having to do chores
and not
having a choice that he dosent realize he has a choice?
-=-=-=-=-
I may have your husband beat!
My dad loved to take me places when I'd rather be home with the horse
or with friends. I used to get physically ill---fever, chills, and
everything. He's a doctor, so it wasn't as if I could fool him. <g> I
think I willed myself to get sick---some psycho-power of mine! <bwg>
I'd be immediately fine as soon as we were on our way home again. Fit
as a fiddle by the next day when I *was* home and could go to the barn.
Plus, it made the trip suck for everyone else as well. So much for
making people do what they don't want to do! <G>
-=-=-=-
I think Im going to sit down and have a talk with him. Let him know
that it
really is ok to say no Im really interested in my computer game, book
etc and
dont want to do it right now or even at all today .
-=-=-
I think that would be a really fine idea! <G>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
From: cncnawilloughby@...
First it was nice to hear somone else talk about it. It may help me
explain it
to someone else . I have people comment on how sweet and helpful
Courtney is and
then when they find out I dont require her to do any chores they are
boggled at
how she learned to be so helpful and responsible.
-=-=-
Cool
-=-=-=-
Second...You just kinda did a little marriage counseling :) DH has
often done
this same "suddenly sick" routine when Ive asked him to do something.
It has
also angered me and Ive wondered why he does it. It really didnt occur
to me
untill know but.......maybe since he was raised having to do chores
and not
having a choice that he dosent realize he has a choice?
-=-=-=-=-
I may have your husband beat!
My dad loved to take me places when I'd rather be home with the horse
or with friends. I used to get physically ill---fever, chills, and
everything. He's a doctor, so it wasn't as if I could fool him. <g> I
think I willed myself to get sick---some psycho-power of mine! <bwg>
I'd be immediately fine as soon as we were on our way home again. Fit
as a fiddle by the next day when I *was* home and could go to the barn.
Plus, it made the trip suck for everyone else as well. So much for
making people do what they don't want to do! <G>
-=-=-=-
I think Im going to sit down and have a talk with him. Let him know
that it
really is ok to say no Im really interested in my computer game, book
etc and
dont want to do it right now or even at all today .
-=-=-
I think that would be a really fine idea! <G>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.