Ren Allen

~He then chose to press a button on his Transformer (toy) that made a
ringing noise and carefully watched me for a reaction. I asked him to
go to his room if he wished to make the noise and he glared and
replied, "No way." and chose to press the button again.~

I would say "Stop NOW! That is not ok to do when someone is sleeping,
come out of this room so your brother can sleep and we can talk about
what is upsetting you"
or "That needs to stop right NOW, your brother is sleeping, that's not
ok."

I have NO problem saying "stop" or "no" when it's a good idea. RU
principles don't include letting somone stomp all over another human
beings comfort or property. Personal boundaries are important.

I think it's perfectly alright to say "STOP" and get the person into a
space where they can vent and then be more sympathetic. Sometimes in
the moment, you don't have time to sympathize as much as you'd like,
so the "STOP" needs to come first.

I don't know the child, so I'm sure you can figure out the best ways
to handle the moment. But it sounds like he doesn't care if you are
saying "let's not do that" as though there is some breakdown between
the two of you. Does he not care if something bothers the people in
his family? Or is it a moment of anger thing? I can see why stomping
around feels good and how easy it would be to not care about the
sleeping brother at that age, but I'm not sure why he'd keep pushing
the toy when you asked him to stop. Maybe you can give us more insight.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

marji

At 08:08 7/11/2006, you wrote:
>I would say "Stop NOW! That is not ok to do when someone is sleeping,
>come out of this room so your brother can sleep and we can talk about
>what is upsetting you"
>or "That needs to stop right NOW, your brother is sleeping, that's not
>ok."
>
>I have NO problem saying "stop" or "no" when it's a good idea.

The cool thing is this: I have noticed that because my son rarely
hears me raise my voice, on those occasions when I have felt the need
to (which is so remote, neither of us can recall the last time that
was!), it got his undivided attention right away. I think that for a
kid who is constantly hearing a yelling mom, the urgency in her voice
may be relegated to background noise, if you know what I mean.


~Marji





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Momma

I have tried to explain this to my dh. I see that when children are yelled
at they tend to shut down, just like adults do. They are scared and their
mind is racing with fear so they don't really hear you at all. My dh wonders
why our children don't listen to him! I have tried to get him to see how he
feels and reacts when his boss raises his voice or he gets in an argument
with a co-worker. When someone is raising their voice to me, they loose me.
I am angry and only thinking or what I am going to say back, or I am
intimidated and only feeling fear. It sabotages your whole purpose of
getting someone's attention. Now, this is going to sound silly but when I
want to get my child's attention I growl at them. I learned this from
watching female dogs with their puppies. I will turn my voice into a low
growl and speak very calmly but still growling. It's kinda hard to explain
but it gets their attention without causing the tension that yelling does.

Dawn




The cool thing is this: I have noticed that because my son rarely
hears me raise my voice, on those occasions when I have felt the need
to (which is so remote, neither of us can recall the last time that
was!), it got his undivided attention right away. I think that for a
kid who is constantly hearing a yelling mom, the urgency in her voice
may be relegated to background noise, if you know what I mean.

~Marji



.


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d=15605&stime=1152629046>




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Pamela Sorooshian

On Jul 11, 2006, at 8:02 AM, Momma wrote:

> They are scared and their
> mind is racing with fear so they don't really hear you at all. My
> dh wonders
> why our children don't listen to him! I have tried to get him to
> see how he
> feels and reacts when his boss raises his voice or he gets in an
> argument
> with a co-worker. When someone is raising their voice to me, they
> loose me.

Such a good point. AND - many of us don't respond well to being
ordered to do (or not to do) something, even if it is in a relatively
mild tone of voice.

-pam

Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
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UNSCHOOL!
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