No punishment, but...
Jane
I need some help to shift my thinking.
Lately my 9 yo has had a series of "mean attacks" for lack of a better way to describe it. He, at times of intense frustration or anger, looses all ability to respect (both people and things) and refuses to listen to anything I have to say, nor does he choose to conversate. Here's an example: This morning he had a verbal altercation with his sister which left him feeling intense frutration. He chose to march up the stairs and to the living room where his brother was still sleeping. He then chose to basically stomp around. I came up to request that he respect his brother's right to rest and to offer help, but he just became more irate and a little louder. He then chose to press a button on his Transformer (toy) that made a ringing noise and carefully watched me for a reaction. I asked him to go to his room if he wished to make the noise and he glared and replied, "No way." and chose to press the button again.
What's a gentle way to handle this "in the moment" which respects both boys?
Thanks!!
Jane
Jane Powell
Tribe Commander
"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think anything you do well matters very much." Jackie O
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed." - Sebastien-Roch Chamfort
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Lately my 9 yo has had a series of "mean attacks" for lack of a better way to describe it. He, at times of intense frustration or anger, looses all ability to respect (both people and things) and refuses to listen to anything I have to say, nor does he choose to conversate. Here's an example: This morning he had a verbal altercation with his sister which left him feeling intense frutration. He chose to march up the stairs and to the living room where his brother was still sleeping. He then chose to basically stomp around. I came up to request that he respect his brother's right to rest and to offer help, but he just became more irate and a little louder. He then chose to press a button on his Transformer (toy) that made a ringing noise and carefully watched me for a reaction. I asked him to go to his room if he wished to make the noise and he glared and replied, "No way." and chose to press the button again.
What's a gentle way to handle this "in the moment" which respects both boys?
Thanks!!
Jane
Jane Powell
Tribe Commander
"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think anything you do well matters very much." Jackie O
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed." - Sebastien-Roch Chamfort
---------------------------------
Sneak preview the all-new Yahoo.com. It's not radically different. Just radically better.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Nicole Willoughby
Ok this is coming from one who isnt quite sure shell ever actually make it to the true unschooler stage :) ..........but dont the tween years start at 9 or 10?
I personaly might choose to do nothing "at the moment" then talk later when he is calmer and more able to look at the situation and say I was wronged by my sister and I felt hurt so I was trying to feel better by taking it out on others, or I really needed something to eat and it made me grouchy or Id really like more one on one time with you , more of my own space ......or whatever ......
Id try to help him figure out what he needs and help him get it.
Nicole
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I personaly might choose to do nothing "at the moment" then talk later when he is calmer and more able to look at the situation and say I was wronged by my sister and I felt hurt so I was trying to feel better by taking it out on others, or I really needed something to eat and it made me grouchy or Id really like more one on one time with you , more of my own space ......or whatever ......
Id try to help him figure out what he needs and help him get it.
Nicole
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Karen Mann
~*~Lately my 9 yo has had a series of "mean attacks" for lack of a better
way to describe it. He, at times of intense frustration or anger, looses all
ability to respect (both people and things) and refuses to listen to
anything I have to say, nor does he choose to conversate.
What's a gentle way to handle this "in the moment" which respects both boys?
~*~
frustrated angry energy can be a real s.o.b. i know when i'm frustrated
with my dh, or anyone for that matter, i sometimes have that type of energy
that needs displacement. i can think of being on the highway when that jerk
cut me off. frustrated angry energy pours forth either from my mouth or my
finger or even, both. ;-) i growled grumbled stomped and bitch ed about it
when i got home to tell dh what happend. and guess who had been a witness
to this whole scenario? yup the kiddos in the backseat. now how can those
kiddos in the backseat know how to handle their frustrated angry energy
"gently" when they see me going all cuckoo for cocoa puffs. yeah...
so my idea for a 9 yo would be a punching bag. worked for my 21yo when he
was just a wee lad. ahh..the memories. he's an electrician living with his
girlfriend now. he was shown how to punch the bag so not to hurt his
wrists. it was explained to him that when he felt ready to go "cuckoo for
cocoa puffs", punch the bag to release that energy. it worked very well.
after a while, it became a hassle for him to go and punch it every time he
got frustrated. everyone in the family used it. we hung ours from the
tree in the backyard. that way if someone was using it they could yell and
kick and go "cuckoo" all they want and wouldn't disturb anyone. if you
don't have a place for hanging a heavy bag they have floor models as well.
you can put those kind anywhere. as a side plus to this bag, my 16yo has
expressed interest in becoming a boxer.
hth
--
~*~Karen~*~
Tony (23) Donnie (21) Brittani (17) Sara (16) Hope (11)
~*~Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results. - Albert Einstein
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
way to describe it. He, at times of intense frustration or anger, looses all
ability to respect (both people and things) and refuses to listen to
anything I have to say, nor does he choose to conversate.
What's a gentle way to handle this "in the moment" which respects both boys?
~*~
frustrated angry energy can be a real s.o.b. i know when i'm frustrated
with my dh, or anyone for that matter, i sometimes have that type of energy
that needs displacement. i can think of being on the highway when that jerk
cut me off. frustrated angry energy pours forth either from my mouth or my
finger or even, both. ;-) i growled grumbled stomped and bitch ed about it
when i got home to tell dh what happend. and guess who had been a witness
to this whole scenario? yup the kiddos in the backseat. now how can those
kiddos in the backseat know how to handle their frustrated angry energy
"gently" when they see me going all cuckoo for cocoa puffs. yeah...
so my idea for a 9 yo would be a punching bag. worked for my 21yo when he
was just a wee lad. ahh..the memories. he's an electrician living with his
girlfriend now. he was shown how to punch the bag so not to hurt his
wrists. it was explained to him that when he felt ready to go "cuckoo for
cocoa puffs", punch the bag to release that energy. it worked very well.
after a while, it became a hassle for him to go and punch it every time he
got frustrated. everyone in the family used it. we hung ours from the
tree in the backyard. that way if someone was using it they could yell and
kick and go "cuckoo" all they want and wouldn't disturb anyone. if you
don't have a place for hanging a heavy bag they have floor models as well.
you can put those kind anywhere. as a side plus to this bag, my 16yo has
expressed interest in becoming a boxer.
hth
--
~*~Karen~*~
Tony (23) Donnie (21) Brittani (17) Sara (16) Hope (11)
~*~Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results. - Albert Einstein
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenniffer Baltzell
This has always worked for us, when I've remembered to do it.
When someone is feeling angry and is acting in ways that start to get my own
adrenaline going, when I feel that first wave of dread or anger or
frustration toward the boy, I squat down and open my arms. I don't say
anything, I just open my arms to them, and the wash of relief that crosses
their face is amazing. I watch them physically relax as they come toward me
and melt into my body. It has a calming effect on me, too. It's hard to
feel anything but love for them when they're melting into your embrace.
Once they're in my arms, I usually automatically and naturally go into a
flow about how "it's so frustrating when..." and "I remember a time when I
felt that way..." and "when I'm angry, sometimes it helps me to..."
I've never been rebuffed, but I've imagined it in my head and have decided
that if that isn't what they needed, I'd reflect that. "I thought you might
need a hug, but it looks like you don't right now." Something like that.
And then I'd try to reflect and empathise and listen.
"Children are most in need of loving attention when they act least deserving
of it" Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
--
Jenniffer in Harpers Ferry
http://octopigarden.blogspot.com
Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life? ~Mary Oliver
When someone is feeling angry and is acting in ways that start to get my own
adrenaline going, when I feel that first wave of dread or anger or
frustration toward the boy, I squat down and open my arms. I don't say
anything, I just open my arms to them, and the wash of relief that crosses
their face is amazing. I watch them physically relax as they come toward me
and melt into my body. It has a calming effect on me, too. It's hard to
feel anything but love for them when they're melting into your embrace.
Once they're in my arms, I usually automatically and naturally go into a
flow about how "it's so frustrating when..." and "I remember a time when I
felt that way..." and "when I'm angry, sometimes it helps me to..."
I've never been rebuffed, but I've imagined it in my head and have decided
that if that isn't what they needed, I'd reflect that. "I thought you might
need a hug, but it looks like you don't right now." Something like that.
And then I'd try to reflect and empathise and listen.
"Children are most in need of loving attention when they act least deserving
of it" Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
--
Jenniffer in Harpers Ferry
http://octopigarden.blogspot.com
Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life? ~Mary Oliver
On 7/11/06, Karen Mann <MommaDukes420@...> wrote:
>
> ~*~Lately my 9 yo has had a series of "mean attacks" for lack of a
> better
>
> way to describe it. He, at times of intense frustration or anger, looses
> all
> ability to respect (both people and things) and refuses to listen to
> anything I have to say, nor does he choose to conversate.
>
> What's a gentle way to handle this "in the moment" which respects both
> boys?
> ~*~
>
> frustrated angry energy can be a real s.o.b. i know when i'm frustrated
> with my dh, or anyone for that matter, i sometimes have that type of
> energy
> that needs displacement. i can think of being on the highway when that
> jerk
> cut me off. frustrated angry energy pours forth either from my mouth or my
> finger or even, both. ;-) i growled grumbled stomped and bitch ed about it
> when i got home to tell dh what happend. and guess who had been a witness
> to this whole scenario? yup the kiddos in the backseat. now how can those
> kiddos in the backseat know how to handle their frustrated angry energy
> "gently" when they see me going all cuckoo for cocoa puffs. yeah...
>
> so my idea for a 9 yo would be a punching bag. worked for my 21yo when he
> was just a wee lad. ahh..the memories. he's an electrician living with his
> girlfriend now. he was shown how to punch the bag so not to hurt his
> wrists. it was explained to him that when he felt ready to go "cuckoo for
> cocoa puffs", punch the bag to release that energy. it worked very well.
> after a while, it became a hassle for him to go and punch it every time he
> got frustrated. everyone in the family used it. we hung ours from the
> tree in the backyard. that way if someone was using it they could yell and
> kick and go "cuckoo" all they want and wouldn't disturb anyone. if you
> don't have a place for hanging a heavy bag they have floor models as well.
> you can put those kind anywhere. as a side plus to this bag, my 16yo has
> expressed interest in becoming a boxer.
>
> hth
>
> --
> ~*~Karen~*~
> Tony (23) Donnie (21) Brittani (17) Sara (16) Hope (11)
> ~*~Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
> different results. - Albert Einstein
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
--
Jenniffer in Harpers Ferry
Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life? ~Mary Oliver
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sajmom1
>This sounds like the way my 9 yo son was acting a couple weeks ago.
> Lately my 9 yo has had a series of "mean attacks" for lack of a
>better way to describe it. He, at times of intense frustration or
>anger, looses all ability to respect (both people and things) and
>refuses to listen to anything I have to say, nor does he choose to
>conversate.
It seemed like we were slipping into a cyclical confrontational
state- he'd do something to aggravate someone, I'd have to
intervene, he'd feel bad about himself and so he'd pick on someone
else, and on and on. I used some of the advice from this list about
hugging our kids when they are driving us crazy. I also asked him
why he was so angry and tried to help him identify if he was bored,
hungry, whatever. Dh took him on bike rides, just the 2 of them.
We helped him get a new PS game he had been wanting. We spent extra
time with him. And throughout I let him know that I loved him not
matter what. Something has made a difference (although I'm not sure
if it was something in particular or all of the above together)
because now he is a delight to be around. He's been helping us
unload the car, holding doors open for us when our arms are full,
being patient with his younger bro, and giving us lots of hugs. He
seems so happy and confident. Maybe it was just a phase, maybe he
was having a hard time transitioning to some changes in our schedule
or maybe he just needed some extra love an attention??? Anyway,
hope some of this gave you some ideas on how to weather the *mean
attacks*
~Marcella
dana_burdick
I just had to chime in here and say that my son started "talking back"
to me just before his 9th birthday. This was the first time he ever
had done anything like this. I was sort of expecting it though, since
I had seen one of my friend's kids do the same thing around 9 or 10.
We did the same thing and tried to give him more attention, but it
wasn't easy taking the rude comments from him and suffering through
his surly attitudes. I had my moments of rudeness myself, even with
trying very hard to be understanding and sympathetic. Now, he is
suddenly happy again and willing to do outside activities more than he
ever has (he's traditionally been my homebody). I also don't know if
it was what we did or the fact that he just had to get through some
things. Or rather, WE had to get through some things. ;)
-Dana
to me just before his 9th birthday. This was the first time he ever
had done anything like this. I was sort of expecting it though, since
I had seen one of my friend's kids do the same thing around 9 or 10.
We did the same thing and tried to give him more attention, but it
wasn't easy taking the rude comments from him and suffering through
his surly attitudes. I had my moments of rudeness myself, even with
trying very hard to be understanding and sympathetic. Now, he is
suddenly happy again and willing to do outside activities more than he
ever has (he's traditionally been my homebody). I also don't know if
it was what we did or the fact that he just had to get through some
things. Or rather, WE had to get through some things. ;)
-Dana