A guiding vision
Mary Alice
Since reading this list obsessively for a few weeks, I just keep having the
same image come to mind and now I realize it has always been there. I am not
sure if I can articulate it very clearly, though.
A child in my home has generally been extremely malleable--- meaning that he
responded well to behavior modification. DH and I were totally
congratulating ourselves at having trained him well. He does as he is told
on a regular basis with little grumbling. I think he even understands that
in our household (the way it has been) that doing as he is told or asked is
the very best way to get exactly what he wants. But I knew that just wasn't
right! There was a dark cloud lurking in my subconscious-indeed the very
one that led me here.
I kept seeing this vague vision of pushing, pushing, pushing and then hoping
that my child makes it to adulthood before all the pushing makes him crack!
Working him like a piece of dough, rolling him out, fortifying him, rolling
him out and hoping I wouldn't do that one little extra whatever that would
cause him to no longer be malleable. All the time really hating "breaking"
him at all. It all seemed so damn manipulative. (it is!!)
I just knew that as long as the kids are buying what I'm selling, as long as
they believe me, they will respond well to my so-called guidance. But I also
quite clearly remember (and harbor to this day) the evil glee and abject
terror that I felt when I realized that my parent was not infallible, was
not right most of the time in fact, and that I could *and did* fool that
parent on a regular basis.
I was living in dread of the day when my kids would see through me and know
that really, they only have to do what they want to do. And how would I
counter that? Sheer force? Brutality? Benign neglect? I realized that I
don't want to control them! I don't want to impose a set of rules that is
supposed to apply to everything so that they can get by in life. I want them
to question, to find the best solution, to be open-minded, to love and
respect themselves.
I have known people that grew up "right" i.e. they did what was expected of
them through High School, only to have a major crisis surrounding the fact
that the only truth is that they were always free, or should have been. Then
there were the kids who knew they were free and were labeled problem
children/teens. These are the kids who on some level see rules as arbitrary,
who see doing anything they don't want to do as a waste of their time. These
ideas are not okay in our society for kids or anyone else to have! But y'all
know that.
Anyway, I think I have essentially one of each type of child in my home and
I would much rather not ride them until they are broken, not GAMBLE on the
timing of the eventual breakdown that will ensue that will take them out
from under my control.
I wish I had a better analogy.
It just feels so natural to surrender to their sovereignty and to claim my
own and to respect both realities.
I just keep having this vision and lately keep sighing a breath of relief
that I don't have to gamble on this anymore. I can treat these kids like
people and do my best and assume they are doing their best and fill them up
with love and power instead of breaking them down so that I can control
them!
Mary Alice Madaris
Mother and Facilitator to Elijah and Noah
Wife and partner to Mike
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
same image come to mind and now I realize it has always been there. I am not
sure if I can articulate it very clearly, though.
A child in my home has generally been extremely malleable--- meaning that he
responded well to behavior modification. DH and I were totally
congratulating ourselves at having trained him well. He does as he is told
on a regular basis with little grumbling. I think he even understands that
in our household (the way it has been) that doing as he is told or asked is
the very best way to get exactly what he wants. But I knew that just wasn't
right! There was a dark cloud lurking in my subconscious-indeed the very
one that led me here.
I kept seeing this vague vision of pushing, pushing, pushing and then hoping
that my child makes it to adulthood before all the pushing makes him crack!
Working him like a piece of dough, rolling him out, fortifying him, rolling
him out and hoping I wouldn't do that one little extra whatever that would
cause him to no longer be malleable. All the time really hating "breaking"
him at all. It all seemed so damn manipulative. (it is!!)
I just knew that as long as the kids are buying what I'm selling, as long as
they believe me, they will respond well to my so-called guidance. But I also
quite clearly remember (and harbor to this day) the evil glee and abject
terror that I felt when I realized that my parent was not infallible, was
not right most of the time in fact, and that I could *and did* fool that
parent on a regular basis.
I was living in dread of the day when my kids would see through me and know
that really, they only have to do what they want to do. And how would I
counter that? Sheer force? Brutality? Benign neglect? I realized that I
don't want to control them! I don't want to impose a set of rules that is
supposed to apply to everything so that they can get by in life. I want them
to question, to find the best solution, to be open-minded, to love and
respect themselves.
I have known people that grew up "right" i.e. they did what was expected of
them through High School, only to have a major crisis surrounding the fact
that the only truth is that they were always free, or should have been. Then
there were the kids who knew they were free and were labeled problem
children/teens. These are the kids who on some level see rules as arbitrary,
who see doing anything they don't want to do as a waste of their time. These
ideas are not okay in our society for kids or anyone else to have! But y'all
know that.
Anyway, I think I have essentially one of each type of child in my home and
I would much rather not ride them until they are broken, not GAMBLE on the
timing of the eventual breakdown that will ensue that will take them out
from under my control.
I wish I had a better analogy.
It just feels so natural to surrender to their sovereignty and to claim my
own and to respect both realities.
I just keep having this vision and lately keep sighing a breath of relief
that I don't have to gamble on this anymore. I can treat these kids like
people and do my best and assume they are doing their best and fill them up
with love and power instead of breaking them down so that I can control
them!
Mary Alice Madaris
Mother and Facilitator to Elijah and Noah
Wife and partner to Mike
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
Beautifully put. Thank you for describing your thought processes. You
should consider putting that all down in an article for publication!
-pam
should consider putting that all down in an article for publication!
-pam
On Jul 3, 2006, at 9:55 AM, Mary Alice wrote:
> I just keep having this vision and lately keep sighing a breath of
> relief
> that I don't have to gamble on this anymore. I can treat these kids
> like
> people and do my best and assume they are doing their best and fill
> them up
> with love and power instead of breaking them down so that I can
> control
> them!
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]