Say, "I'm sorry."
[email protected]
I figured I'd bring this to its own thread.
Does anyone want to approach the idea of forced apologies?
Open (and HOT!) topic. <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
Does anyone want to approach the idea of forced apologies?
Open (and HOT!) topic. <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
Melissa
I'll bite, since I'm going to turn this off in a minute and go to
bed. I'll look for the flames tomorrow (if the computer is smoking, I
won't even touch the power button)
I used to force my kids to apologize, and felt like a hypocrite every
time. How many times did i screw up and say sorry only to shut the
other person up (or even worse "Sorry, but...")? But then resent it
the whole time? And stew? And it wasn't (as someone mentioned
earlier) about honestly feeling regret, it was all a power play
(you'll say sorry because I said so, and I'm saying so because I'm
embarrassed at your actions and because those other people expect it)
You're teaching that it's okay to do whatever you want, as long as
you say sorry! There's no chance to develop actual remorse, because
suddenly the focus is on the whole 'apology power'
And my especial pet peeve, my friend, when someone apologizes to her
children, makes them say "It's okay", when it obviously is not okay
to them, and they need some more time to grieve. :-( Talk about an
immediate dismissal of emotions, devaluing someone's opinion, and
removing power from them! Breanna hits the girl sometimes out of
anger, and sometimes just for a reaction, and when her mom says that,
i say "NO! It is NOT okay to be hit, and it hurts. I'm sorry
Elizabeth, that she did that."
I do still ask my kids if they would like to apologize, esp the
little ones. Mostly because I think they are not sure about what
steps they can take to help someone feel better after a run-in. I
usually ask the older ones if they have any ideas on how they could
help someone...whether they were the "perpetrator" (for lack of a
better word) or not. I try to model a lot of compassion for the kids,
by hugging someone who has gotten hurt or had some toy taken, or some
other sadness, and say "I'm sorry that happened to you, what can I do
to help you feel better?" Sometimes just the validation is enough for
the kids "I'll bet that was not good for you", can open the way for
the perp, and sometimes it just helps the victim (so to speak) I
usually ask them "Is it okay?" or "what can Joe do to make it up to
you?" to facilitate some discussion, since the boys are so young, and
even Rachel and Emily are still building their tools. Josh is just
getting to the age where he has his tool chest filled and he can access.
They have the power to say no, which Dan does about 20% of the time.
the rest of the time, he'll say (or sign) that he's sorry, and offer
help. Most of the time the other kids do it on their own, although
they have been known to say "I'm *NOT* sorry, you were being mean to
me and wouldn't stop" And they also are free to say "It's not okay,
what you did hurt me"
ack. It's late and I think I just had a brain leak. I hope this makes
sense....Good questions Kelly
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
bed. I'll look for the flames tomorrow (if the computer is smoking, I
won't even touch the power button)
I used to force my kids to apologize, and felt like a hypocrite every
time. How many times did i screw up and say sorry only to shut the
other person up (or even worse "Sorry, but...")? But then resent it
the whole time? And stew? And it wasn't (as someone mentioned
earlier) about honestly feeling regret, it was all a power play
(you'll say sorry because I said so, and I'm saying so because I'm
embarrassed at your actions and because those other people expect it)
You're teaching that it's okay to do whatever you want, as long as
you say sorry! There's no chance to develop actual remorse, because
suddenly the focus is on the whole 'apology power'
And my especial pet peeve, my friend, when someone apologizes to her
children, makes them say "It's okay", when it obviously is not okay
to them, and they need some more time to grieve. :-( Talk about an
immediate dismissal of emotions, devaluing someone's opinion, and
removing power from them! Breanna hits the girl sometimes out of
anger, and sometimes just for a reaction, and when her mom says that,
i say "NO! It is NOT okay to be hit, and it hurts. I'm sorry
Elizabeth, that she did that."
I do still ask my kids if they would like to apologize, esp the
little ones. Mostly because I think they are not sure about what
steps they can take to help someone feel better after a run-in. I
usually ask the older ones if they have any ideas on how they could
help someone...whether they were the "perpetrator" (for lack of a
better word) or not. I try to model a lot of compassion for the kids,
by hugging someone who has gotten hurt or had some toy taken, or some
other sadness, and say "I'm sorry that happened to you, what can I do
to help you feel better?" Sometimes just the validation is enough for
the kids "I'll bet that was not good for you", can open the way for
the perp, and sometimes it just helps the victim (so to speak) I
usually ask them "Is it okay?" or "what can Joe do to make it up to
you?" to facilitate some discussion, since the boys are so young, and
even Rachel and Emily are still building their tools. Josh is just
getting to the age where he has his tool chest filled and he can access.
They have the power to say no, which Dan does about 20% of the time.
the rest of the time, he'll say (or sign) that he's sorry, and offer
help. Most of the time the other kids do it on their own, although
they have been known to say "I'm *NOT* sorry, you were being mean to
me and wouldn't stop" And they also are free to say "It's not okay,
what you did hurt me"
ack. It's late and I think I just had a brain leak. I hope this makes
sense....Good questions Kelly
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Jun 29, 2006, at 11:50 PM, kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
> I figured I'd bring this to its own thread.
>
> Does anyone want to approach the idea of forced apologies?
>
> Open (and HOT!) topic. <g>
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> http://liveandlearnconference.org
>
> School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
> process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the
> possibilities of
> what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
> go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
> __________________________________________________________
> Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
> and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rachell Skerlec
I never suggested a forced apology. I said genuine. They are mutually
exclusive.
~Rachell
"So shines a good deed in a weary world."
<http://en.thinkexist.com/quotes/william_shakespeare/> William Shakespeare
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of kbcdlovejo@...
Sent: Thursday, June 29, 2006 11:50 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Say, "I'm sorry."
I figured I'd bring this to its own thread.
Does anyone want to approach the idea of forced apologies?
Open (and HOT!) topic. <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearn <http://liveandlearnconference.org> conference.org
School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
__________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
exclusive.
~Rachell
"So shines a good deed in a weary world."
<http://en.thinkexist.com/quotes/william_shakespeare/> William Shakespeare
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of kbcdlovejo@...
Sent: Thursday, June 29, 2006 11:50 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Say, "I'm sorry."
I figured I'd bring this to its own thread.
Does anyone want to approach the idea of forced apologies?
Open (and HOT!) topic. <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearn <http://liveandlearnconference.org> conference.org
School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
__________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/30/2006 12:51:31 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
kbcdlovejo@... writes:
Does anyone want to approach the idea of forced apologies?
*******
Well, I was never a forced apologizer (although caught myself doing it from
time to time under pressure from the other mommies, bleck), but I learned a
tool from THIS VERY GROUP a great thing that I have used a few times (Pam,
maybe???Joyce????).
I have pulled my kids aside after an incident and whispered "when things
like this happen, people like to hear when you are sorry". Sometimes the child
will be able to easily to say it. Sometimes the child has no intention
whatsoever of saying it and I let it go. I might go say to the injured party that
I'm sorry they got hurt. And sometimes my child will say "I want you to say
it with me". So either I'll say the apology or give my child the words to
use.
Oh, and it doesn't always happen right away. Sometimes there is a lag time
between when I suggest it and when they feel OK about saying it.
Once I overheard a squabble between my kids and the five year old said, "I
think an apology would make me feel better" and the older one said "oh, I'm
sorry....let me see if I can fix your toy I broke." Sweet. How much nicer the
world would be if adults could talk like this to each other!
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kbcdlovejo@... writes:
Does anyone want to approach the idea of forced apologies?
*******
Well, I was never a forced apologizer (although caught myself doing it from
time to time under pressure from the other mommies, bleck), but I learned a
tool from THIS VERY GROUP a great thing that I have used a few times (Pam,
maybe???Joyce????).
I have pulled my kids aside after an incident and whispered "when things
like this happen, people like to hear when you are sorry". Sometimes the child
will be able to easily to say it. Sometimes the child has no intention
whatsoever of saying it and I let it go. I might go say to the injured party that
I'm sorry they got hurt. And sometimes my child will say "I want you to say
it with me". So either I'll say the apology or give my child the words to
use.
Oh, and it doesn't always happen right away. Sometimes there is a lag time
between when I suggest it and when they feel OK about saying it.
Once I overheard a squabble between my kids and the five year old said, "I
think an apology would make me feel better" and the older one said "oh, I'm
sorry....let me see if I can fix your toy I broke." Sweet. How much nicer the
world would be if adults could talk like this to each other!
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Leslie530@...
Sweet. How much nicer the world would be if adults could talk like
this to each other!
--=-=-=-
Yeah---maybe fewer lawsuits!
Our organic lawn care guy sprinkled iron on our lawn. His young helper
accidentally blew some of the pellets into our *just resurfaced* pool.
I mean, like--it was resurfaced the week before! The iron left small
rust stains. Permanent stains.
I was perfectly within my legal rights to sue him for the $3500 it
would take to resurface the pool. Again. But it wasn't malicious. It
was an accident. I *know* Carroll felt horrible, and I know the young
man who did it will *not* do it again. So others pools in the area are
safe! <g>
We agreed that he would cover a low-cost attempt to fix it without
draining and resurfacing. It didn't work---the spots faded for a few
days, but came back just as rusty. Carroll was willing to pay the whole
$3500, but that was silly. I can live with the rust spots.
I've made a good friend in Carroll too. He goes out of his way to make
sure the lawn is healthy. (Not that he doesn't do that with everyone,
but we feel he makes a special effort with us now.) The goodwill we
share with our lawn care guy and the pool guy (he was shocked we didn't
sue), is good enough for me.
The same with our kids. By not viewing them or their acts as
malicious, we gain their trust and respect---AND they do the same with
others.
I think children's being treated as "malicious perpetrators" has
contributed to our litigious society and to the seemingly ridiculous
need to be blameless---or to blame someone else. No one wants to get in
trouble.
Accidents *happen*. They do. Often they hurt. Bad. But because we get
into so much trouble for accidents, we refuse to accept blame and be
genuinely apologetic. Easier to blame someone else.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
From: Leslie530@...
Sweet. How much nicer the world would be if adults could talk like
this to each other!
--=-=-=-
Yeah---maybe fewer lawsuits!
Our organic lawn care guy sprinkled iron on our lawn. His young helper
accidentally blew some of the pellets into our *just resurfaced* pool.
I mean, like--it was resurfaced the week before! The iron left small
rust stains. Permanent stains.
I was perfectly within my legal rights to sue him for the $3500 it
would take to resurface the pool. Again. But it wasn't malicious. It
was an accident. I *know* Carroll felt horrible, and I know the young
man who did it will *not* do it again. So others pools in the area are
safe! <g>
We agreed that he would cover a low-cost attempt to fix it without
draining and resurfacing. It didn't work---the spots faded for a few
days, but came back just as rusty. Carroll was willing to pay the whole
$3500, but that was silly. I can live with the rust spots.
I've made a good friend in Carroll too. He goes out of his way to make
sure the lawn is healthy. (Not that he doesn't do that with everyone,
but we feel he makes a special effort with us now.) The goodwill we
share with our lawn care guy and the pool guy (he was shocked we didn't
sue), is good enough for me.
The same with our kids. By not viewing them or their acts as
malicious, we gain their trust and respect---AND they do the same with
others.
I think children's being treated as "malicious perpetrators" has
contributed to our litigious society and to the seemingly ridiculous
need to be blameless---or to blame someone else. No one wants to get in
trouble.
Accidents *happen*. They do. Often they hurt. Bad. But because we get
into so much trouble for accidents, we refuse to accept blame and be
genuinely apologetic. Easier to blame someone else.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
mooosey3
--- In [email protected], "Rachell Skerlec"
<panacea@...> wrote:
The kids and I watched The Chronicals of Narnia last night (for the
5th or 6th time) and the scene of Peter demanding Edmund to
apologize comes to mind. Edmund apologized but it is clearly seen
he did not mean it.
For an apology to mean something and to be *genuine* the person
giving the apology truly has to feel that way to give it. How do
you make someone give a genuine apology? It's impossible, you can't.
When my kids have been in a situation where an apology might be
needed, I'll ask quietly to my kid if they want to apolgize. Many
times my kids do, but would be to shy or embarrassed to do it
alone. So they need me with them to do so. Other times they don't
feel they did anything wrong to warrant an apology or feel as if
they were the victim and need to be apologized to. These are their
experiences they need to work out and feel for themselves. By
allowing them to come to their own conclusions and express their own
feelings is how real, genuine apologies will happen.
Heather
<panacea@...> wrote:
>mutually
> I never suggested a forced apology. I said genuine. They are
> exclusive.discussion not to go on a Rachell bashing thread. ;)
>
>
>
> ~Rachell
>
> I'm assuming Kelly started this *New* thread for a lively
The kids and I watched The Chronicals of Narnia last night (for the
5th or 6th time) and the scene of Peter demanding Edmund to
apologize comes to mind. Edmund apologized but it is clearly seen
he did not mean it.
For an apology to mean something and to be *genuine* the person
giving the apology truly has to feel that way to give it. How do
you make someone give a genuine apology? It's impossible, you can't.
When my kids have been in a situation where an apology might be
needed, I'll ask quietly to my kid if they want to apolgize. Many
times my kids do, but would be to shy or embarrassed to do it
alone. So they need me with them to do so. Other times they don't
feel they did anything wrong to warrant an apology or feel as if
they were the victim and need to be apologized to. These are their
experiences they need to work out and feel for themselves. By
allowing them to come to their own conclusions and express their own
feelings is how real, genuine apologies will happen.
Heather
>
mooosey3
--- In [email protected], "Rachell Skerlec"
<panacea@...> wrote:
The kids and I watched The Chronicals of Narnia last night (for the
5th or 6th time) and the scene of Peter demanding Edmund to
apologize comes to mind. Edmund apologized but it is clearly seen
he did not mean it.
For an apology to mean something and to be *genuine* the person
giving the apology truly has to feel that way to give it. How do
you make someone give a genuine apology? It's impossible, you can't.
When my kids have been in a situation where an apology might be
needed, I'll ask quietly to my kid if they want to apolgize. Many
times my kids do, but would be to shy or embarrassed to do it
alone. So they need me with them to do so. Other times they don't
feel they did anything wrong to warrant an apology or feel as if
they were the victim and need to be apologized to. These are their
experiences they need to work out and feel for themselves. By
allowing them to come to their own conclusions and express their own
feelings is how real, genuine apologies will happen.
Heather
<panacea@...> wrote:
>mutually
> I never suggested a forced apology. I said genuine. They are
> exclusive.discussion not to go on a Rachell bashing thread. ;)
>
>
>
> ~Rachell
>
> I'm assuming Kelly started this *New* thread for a lively
The kids and I watched The Chronicals of Narnia last night (for the
5th or 6th time) and the scene of Peter demanding Edmund to
apologize comes to mind. Edmund apologized but it is clearly seen
he did not mean it.
For an apology to mean something and to be *genuine* the person
giving the apology truly has to feel that way to give it. How do
you make someone give a genuine apology? It's impossible, you can't.
When my kids have been in a situation where an apology might be
needed, I'll ask quietly to my kid if they want to apolgize. Many
times my kids do, but would be to shy or embarrassed to do it
alone. So they need me with them to do so. Other times they don't
feel they did anything wrong to warrant an apology or feel as if
they were the victim and need to be apologized to. These are their
experiences they need to work out and feel for themselves. By
allowing them to come to their own conclusions and express their own
feelings is how real, genuine apologies will happen.
Heather
>
[email protected]
>>Does anyone want to approach the idea of forced apologies?>>I used to do this. It seemed to bring resentment more than anything else. I don't think you can force a sincere apology. You can only force the words to be said not the emotions behind them.
--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: kbcdlovejo@...
> I figured I'd bring this to its own thread.
>
> Does anyone want to approach the idea of forced apologies?
>
> Open (and HOT!) topic. <g>
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> http://liveandlearnconference.org
>
> School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
> process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
> what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
> go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll
> ________________________________________________________________________
> Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
> and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
>
Beth Fleming
mooosey3 <hongslo@...> wrote:
For an apology to mean something and to be *genuine* the person
giving the apology truly has to feel that way to give it. How do
you make someone give a genuine apology? It's impossible, you can't.
I have a situation with a neighborhood family and forced apologies that has been bothering me for some time....I guess this is a good time to throw it out there and see how others might respond to it.
We have a very nice homeschooling family that lives down the street...we do many things with this family...see them for play dates at least four times a week (soemtimes more!!), kids are similar ages, my oldest daughter is best friends with their oldest daughter, etc....normally everything works out well BUT....their 3 yo boy can be quite physical, especially with my 2.6 yo dd. I'm usually really on top of it, but there are those times that he gets in a good shove. His Mom is on top of it, too, but after she sees something happen, she forces him to apologize to my dd. He says, "sorry, won't do it again", but it gets all sluured as it can when he says it so often, and actually sounds like,"sorry, do it again'...Then the Mom tells the little boy to give my dd a hug. It's creepy b/c I know that he was just shoving her! I never force my kids to apologize, usually talk about what happened with the kids, problem solve for next time, and ask if they want to apologize.
Anyway, I need some help in dealing with the Mom's way of handling these situations.
TIA!
peacec,
Beth
Unschooling Mom to Frances (9), Will (7), Catherine (2), and Grace (6 months)
www.6uvus.blogspot.com
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Get on board. You're invited to try the new Yahoo! Mail Beta.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
For an apology to mean something and to be *genuine* the person
giving the apology truly has to feel that way to give it. How do
you make someone give a genuine apology? It's impossible, you can't.
I have a situation with a neighborhood family and forced apologies that has been bothering me for some time....I guess this is a good time to throw it out there and see how others might respond to it.
We have a very nice homeschooling family that lives down the street...we do many things with this family...see them for play dates at least four times a week (soemtimes more!!), kids are similar ages, my oldest daughter is best friends with their oldest daughter, etc....normally everything works out well BUT....their 3 yo boy can be quite physical, especially with my 2.6 yo dd. I'm usually really on top of it, but there are those times that he gets in a good shove. His Mom is on top of it, too, but after she sees something happen, she forces him to apologize to my dd. He says, "sorry, won't do it again", but it gets all sluured as it can when he says it so often, and actually sounds like,"sorry, do it again'...Then the Mom tells the little boy to give my dd a hug. It's creepy b/c I know that he was just shoving her! I never force my kids to apologize, usually talk about what happened with the kids, problem solve for next time, and ask if they want to apologize.
Anyway, I need some help in dealing with the Mom's way of handling these situations.
TIA!
peacec,
Beth
Unschooling Mom to Frances (9), Will (7), Catherine (2), and Grace (6 months)
www.6uvus.blogspot.com
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Get on board. You're invited to try the new Yahoo! Mail Beta.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Christy Mahoney
I would really talk to the mom about it. A LOT of people make their
own kids apologize begause they don't want OTHER parents to think they
are bad parents. She may be doing this because she thinks that's what
YOU think should happen.
-Christy
own kids apologize begause they don't want OTHER parents to think they
are bad parents. She may be doing this because she thinks that's what
YOU think should happen.
-Christy
Pamela Sorooshian
On Jun 30, 2006, at 6:55 PM, Beth Fleming wrote:
we're handling our little ones, when they get a little rough with
each other. I was thinking I'd like to try something new - see if it
helps. How about instead of getting them to apologize and hug, let's
try this instead....."
In other words, come up with an alternative and include yourself in it.
-pam
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Then the Mom tells the little boy to give my dd a hug. It's creepyCan you talk to her directly? Say, "I've been thinking about how
> b/c I know that he was just shoving her! I never force my kids to
> apologize, usually talk about what happened with the kids, problem
> solve for next time, and ask if they want to apologize.
> Anyway, I need some help in dealing with the Mom's way of
> handling these situations.
> TIA!
we're handling our little ones, when they get a little rough with
each other. I was thinking I'd like to try something new - see if it
helps. How about instead of getting them to apologize and hug, let's
try this instead....."
In other words, come up with an alternative and include yourself in it.
-pam
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/30/2006 9:56:02 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
momofwc@... writes:
BUT....their 3 yo boy can be quite physical, especially with my 2.6 yo dd.
I'm usually really on top of it, but there are those times that he gets in a
good shove. His Mom is on top of it, too
***********
I wonder if you could talk to the mom and say that maybe you could handle it
exclusively (unless she can prevent a shove). I know I have found that if
the other mom lets me do it, me talking to the child makes more of a
difference than his own mom.
An example, I was visiting someone whose son was constantly picking and
hurting on my toddler. His mom was doing her best, but getting nowhere. I
finally looked him in the eye and said "don't hurt my baby" very kindly but firmly
and he stopped. I kept an eye on him afterwards, letting him know I meant
business....this was *my* baby and he was not going to hurt him!
Maybe the mom will understand that you are not disciplining her son for her,
but protecting your own child from getting hurt, and that perhaps that will
come across more clearly to her son if *you* do it.
Then, you can keep it simple. Stay on him constantly until he understands
better.
By the way, I had the child that was aggressive and physical, not mean, but
could definitely hurt someone. I always appreciated other moms that
understood this about my child. They never shamed him, but sometimes they got
through to him better than I could.
Leslie in SC
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momofwc@... writes:
BUT....their 3 yo boy can be quite physical, especially with my 2.6 yo dd.
I'm usually really on top of it, but there are those times that he gets in a
good shove. His Mom is on top of it, too
***********
I wonder if you could talk to the mom and say that maybe you could handle it
exclusively (unless she can prevent a shove). I know I have found that if
the other mom lets me do it, me talking to the child makes more of a
difference than his own mom.
An example, I was visiting someone whose son was constantly picking and
hurting on my toddler. His mom was doing her best, but getting nowhere. I
finally looked him in the eye and said "don't hurt my baby" very kindly but firmly
and he stopped. I kept an eye on him afterwards, letting him know I meant
business....this was *my* baby and he was not going to hurt him!
Maybe the mom will understand that you are not disciplining her son for her,
but protecting your own child from getting hurt, and that perhaps that will
come across more clearly to her son if *you* do it.
Then, you can keep it simple. Stay on him constantly until he understands
better.
By the way, I had the child that was aggressive and physical, not mean, but
could definitely hurt someone. I always appreciated other moms that
understood this about my child. They never shamed him, but sometimes they got
through to him better than I could.
Leslie in SC
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Beth Fleming
That sounds like a plan...I guess I have been hesitant to step on her toes, but by including myself, it may take the pressure off. (She calls me the "Master"...(as in master parent, which is a little daunting, but I think she knows herself that there's a better way....)
Thank you for the advice.
Peace,
Beth
Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
Thank you for the advice.
Peace,
Beth
Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
On Jun 30, 2006, at 6:55 PM, Beth Fleming wrote:
> Then the Mom tells the little boy to give my dd a hug. It's creepy
> b/c I know that he was just shoving her! I never force my kids to
> apologize, usually talk about what happened with the kids, problem
> solve for next time, and ask if they want to apologize.
> Anyway, I need some help in dealing with the Mom's way of
> handling these situations.
> TIA!
Can you talk to her directly? Say, "I've been thinking about how
we're handling our little ones, when they get a little rough with
each other. I was thinking I'd like to try something new - see if it
helps. How about instead of getting them to apologize and hug, let's
try this instead....."
In other words, come up with an alternative and include yourself in it.
-pam
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