rudeness, was Breaking news
[email protected]
Let's say Annie demands the ketchup at the table (a recent example), really
demands it with an I WANT THE KETCHUP (no way to indicate the tone, but think
of grumpy face, mean sounding voice)...this moment is wrought with questions
for me right now (forget world peace, I'm worried about ketchup!): do I just
kindly hand her the ketchup and say nothing or do I kindly hand her the
ketchup and say, "I prefer to be spoken to kindly, is there something bothering
you?" I get that what I'm NOT doing is saying "if you'll ask nicely I'll give
you the ketchup" or "get it yourself" or throwing up my hands and saying
this unschooling thing ain't working, look...she's rude. Eeek!
**********
If the timing is good for it, I say in the same tone of voice "well, I want
some purple underwear" or something equally as silly and with a silly look on
my face so my kids know I'm joking (and not making fun)! This gets a laugh
and then the game continues with more and more demanding of ridiculous
things. The next thing you know, a potentially parent vs. child moment has become
a bonding time. And they get the point. Humor is almost always great and in
our house, the sillier the better!
Or I'll ignore it. Or I might ask in a bit if something is wrong. Or
sometimes I'll say what you say. Or I'll rephrase in a more pleasant tone.
I think for the most part, telling a child to not be rude (no matter how
nicely phrased) won't teach a child to not be rude. It might help a child
recognize that she is using a rude tone, even grown-ups don't always realize that,
but no one wants to hear it every single time! You can let some pass you
by! And you are showing your children that they don't have to be reactive
every time someone is rude to them. How many times have you seen people that
just don't let things go? You can choose to not react without being a door mat!
My oldest with learning and language difficulties just didn't understand me
when I was trying to teach him things like manners. I decided to really just
live by example, and mostly NOT react at all when he was rude. I really
didn't have much of a choice. He is now nine, and although not always the
nicest at home, other people are always commenting to me how polite he is and that
I'm so lucky! LOL!
Have fun!
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
demands it with an I WANT THE KETCHUP (no way to indicate the tone, but think
of grumpy face, mean sounding voice)...this moment is wrought with questions
for me right now (forget world peace, I'm worried about ketchup!): do I just
kindly hand her the ketchup and say nothing or do I kindly hand her the
ketchup and say, "I prefer to be spoken to kindly, is there something bothering
you?" I get that what I'm NOT doing is saying "if you'll ask nicely I'll give
you the ketchup" or "get it yourself" or throwing up my hands and saying
this unschooling thing ain't working, look...she's rude. Eeek!
**********
If the timing is good for it, I say in the same tone of voice "well, I want
some purple underwear" or something equally as silly and with a silly look on
my face so my kids know I'm joking (and not making fun)! This gets a laugh
and then the game continues with more and more demanding of ridiculous
things. The next thing you know, a potentially parent vs. child moment has become
a bonding time. And they get the point. Humor is almost always great and in
our house, the sillier the better!
Or I'll ignore it. Or I might ask in a bit if something is wrong. Or
sometimes I'll say what you say. Or I'll rephrase in a more pleasant tone.
I think for the most part, telling a child to not be rude (no matter how
nicely phrased) won't teach a child to not be rude. It might help a child
recognize that she is using a rude tone, even grown-ups don't always realize that,
but no one wants to hear it every single time! You can let some pass you
by! And you are showing your children that they don't have to be reactive
every time someone is rude to them. How many times have you seen people that
just don't let things go? You can choose to not react without being a door mat!
My oldest with learning and language difficulties just didn't understand me
when I was trying to teach him things like manners. I decided to really just
live by example, and mostly NOT react at all when he was rude. I really
didn't have much of a choice. He is now nine, and although not always the
nicest at home, other people are always commenting to me how polite he is and that
I'm so lucky! LOL!
Have fun!
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
marji
At 07:21 6/27/2006, you wrote:
A) Just hand it to him, realizing he may have been having a grumpy
day and the last thing he needs at that moment is to hear some crap
from me about politeness. I would not take it personally, or
B) Hand it to him but tell him my honest feelings about being spoken
to like that. I would not tell him he was being rude; I would tell
him I didn't like being spoken to as though I was a servant and that
it didn't make me feel like helping him.
C) In addition, I try to speak to him (as much as I possibly can -
I'm not perfect, ya know) the way I like to be spoken to, not to
"teach" him how to speak to other folks, but because I figure that I
cannot expect him to do something I'm not willing to do. And,
because that's just the way I am.
Now, at 11, the by-product of that is that he's very mindful of how
he speaks to other folks, and he notices when folks aren't so
nice. When I'm having a grumpy day and I don't speak so nicely to
him, I apologize to him for it (as soon as it's leaked out) and let
him know that it's not him; it's me. He does the same for me. I'm
grateful that we give each other that kind of space. One thing we're
both mindful of is that we don't want to waste the precious time that
we have together being mean to each other. It's the easiest thing to
do, but we (dad, included) are each other's favorite folks, and it
doesn't make sense to be nasty to each other. So, we're not.
It turns out that he's good citizen (polite and all that) when he's
out there in the world (I'm told), and I'm delighted to hear that! I
have never drilled him with that "What do you say...?" crap that I
had to endure; it always irked me to hear it.
~Marji
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
Marji
<http://www.gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf
<http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/GaiaWolf/>Join the GaiaWolf Mailing List
"The animals of this world exist for their own reasons. They were
not made for humans any more than blacks were made for whites or
women created for men."
~Alice Walker
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>Let's say Annie demands the ketchup at the table (a recent example), reallyWhen my son was wee and he would talk this way, I would either:
>demands it with an I WANT THE KETCHUP (no way to indicate the tone, but think
>of grumpy face, mean sounding voice)...this moment is wrought with questions
>for me right now (forget world peace, I'm worried about ketchup!): do I just
>kindly hand her the ketchup and say nothing or do I kindly hand her the
>ketchup and say, "I prefer to be spoken to kindly, is there
>something bothering
>you?" I get that what I'm NOT doing is saying "if you'll ask nicely I'll give
>you the ketchup" or "get it yourself" or throwing up my hands and saying
>this unschooling thing ain't working, look...she's rude. Eeek!
A) Just hand it to him, realizing he may have been having a grumpy
day and the last thing he needs at that moment is to hear some crap
from me about politeness. I would not take it personally, or
B) Hand it to him but tell him my honest feelings about being spoken
to like that. I would not tell him he was being rude; I would tell
him I didn't like being spoken to as though I was a servant and that
it didn't make me feel like helping him.
C) In addition, I try to speak to him (as much as I possibly can -
I'm not perfect, ya know) the way I like to be spoken to, not to
"teach" him how to speak to other folks, but because I figure that I
cannot expect him to do something I'm not willing to do. And,
because that's just the way I am.
Now, at 11, the by-product of that is that he's very mindful of how
he speaks to other folks, and he notices when folks aren't so
nice. When I'm having a grumpy day and I don't speak so nicely to
him, I apologize to him for it (as soon as it's leaked out) and let
him know that it's not him; it's me. He does the same for me. I'm
grateful that we give each other that kind of space. One thing we're
both mindful of is that we don't want to waste the precious time that
we have together being mean to each other. It's the easiest thing to
do, but we (dad, included) are each other's favorite folks, and it
doesn't make sense to be nasty to each other. So, we're not.
It turns out that he's good citizen (polite and all that) when he's
out there in the world (I'm told), and I'm delighted to hear that! I
have never drilled him with that "What do you say...?" crap that I
had to endure; it always irked me to hear it.
~Marji
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
Marji
<http://www.gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf
<http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/GaiaWolf/>Join the GaiaWolf Mailing List
"The animals of this world exist for their own reasons. They were
not made for humans any more than blacks were made for whites or
women created for men."
~Alice Walker
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
marji
At 08:02 6/27/2006, I wrote:
definitely got it after only a couple of rare occasions of having to
say it. I guess if I had had to say it more than once or twice,
there would definitely have been something else going on, and anyway,
saying something like that more than once or twice can only bring
diminishing returns, no?
~Marji, having a little dialogue with myself. Isn't that one of the
first signs of insanity?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>B) Hand it to him but tell him my honest feelings about being spokenBy the way, I didn't have to say that to him too many times; he
>to like that. I would not tell him he was being rude; I would tell
>him I didn't like being spoken to as though I was a servant and that
>it didn't make me feel like helping him.
definitely got it after only a couple of rare occasions of having to
say it. I guess if I had had to say it more than once or twice,
there would definitely have been something else going on, and anyway,
saying something like that more than once or twice can only bring
diminishing returns, no?
~Marji, having a little dialogue with myself. Isn't that one of the
first signs of insanity?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
--- In [email protected], marji <marji@...> wrote:
some of the time LOL
--Deb
>I thought it was the only way to guarantee an intelligent conversation
> ~Marji, having a little dialogue with myself. Isn't that one of the
> first signs of insanity?
>
some of the time LOL
--Deb