Breaking News: Doubt rears it's ugly head in Connecticut
Aimee
Breaking News: Doubt rears it's ugly head in Connecticut,
uncertainty about how to proceed exists...more at eleven!
I'm really battling the voices lately...the voices of the adults in
my youth, the voices of mainstream society, the voices of nearly
*everybody else* I know who is raising children, and my own adult-
child voices. I'd like to throw a few more voices in there, but
loud ones from the unschooling/free child camp...so...
We have been making steps toward the free family paradigm for the
last 8 years. Slow steps and with a lenghty and pretty comfy rest-
stop in being attatched and compassionate with empathetic imposition
of the adult way on the children (the adult way being as respectful
of the kids as an adult way can be). Now we have begun the leg of
the journey that brings us closer to an unschooled LIFE and the
transition is smooth AND bumpy depending on what comfort level DH
and/or I am up against. The unschooled education part was and
remains easy for us (and we're teachers! hee-hee). The life part
is much harder for us (DH and I) to implement.
I, we, *get* it we just have trouble trusting it and/or implementing
it. But, I do keep coming back to examples such as: my parents
punished me regularly for not keeping my room neat...it did not make
me neat...it just continues to make me feel inadequate for not
caring about housework as much as she did or rather the judgements
people might make based on the appearance of my bedroom (boy do I
struggle with this!!!) So, why would I think that doing things the
way my parents did be the way to go?! Same with food...I ended up
with an eating problem and grew up in a house in which you had to
eat your veggies, restrict your treats (or better yet...sneak
them). Why would I do the same thing and expect a different
result?!
OK, so free/unschooled sounds so good on paper...but, the reality is
we are transitioning into this unschooled life and carry with us the
baggage of our own upbringing, but also our children's baggage of
their 8 and 4 years of living in a house that was somewhat
controlling and also included/includes the pain of mental illness
issues, physical health issues, child death, and complicated grief.
We are really only 'just now' getting back on our feet as a
family...restated...I am only 'just now' showing signs of recovery
and feeling able to make these changes toward freedom...but it's a
very quick and slippery step for me to find myself back with trauma
and stress issues. (We've all got our stuff...I don't think for a
minute there are many families unschooling out there who have not
been touched by some sort of issue...I'm just alluding to some of
ours.)
I'm writing WAY too much. Sorry. Seems I've let the proverbial
cork out of the bottle! LMAO!
The bottom line for me is...today I need to hear it's OK. That if
we keep moving toward freedom we will not end up with -- to quote
the tape playing in my head at times -- spoiled-rotten, ungrateful,
rude and self-centered (as in selfish) children. That responding
with kindness when my nearly 4 year old demands in what can be
considered a very rude way for an item at the dinner table I'm not --
a quote again-- creating a monster? That when I ask for some help
cleaning up a mess in the house, one made by the 4 year old in
particular in this instance, and am told NO (sharply too, geez!) I'm
not, again, creating a kid who will always be inconsiterate? And my
personal favorite...how do I stop feeling like "I'm the only one who
does anything around here?" That's an oldie, but goodie tape that
starts up pretty easily when I'm tired...I'll go happily along for
days counting the blessings in cleaning up, taking care of others,
etc. and then all of a sudden wham! I feel totally taken advantage
of, over worked and under appreciated and that darn it, don't I
deserve some common courtesy? Really...is it too much to ask for
the family to pick up after themselves? I know...I hit a hot button
(for the list as well as myself). I'm not saying anyone here is
wrong...I'm just sharing my struggle in trying to move in a more
free direction. I'm revealing my doubts in the hopes those here
with more experience can shine the light a little further along the
tunnel for me. I'm not here to bash you or judge what you are
doing.... I'm here for some help with dealing with the voices and
tapes of the past, both mine and those of my kids during this
transition.
*So*...
Are you sure??? Really???? Is it true???
Responding to rudeness, destruction, physical aggression, etc. with
kindess really, really, really will turn out OK? Gosh this sounds
SO dumb when I actually type it... Am I correct in thinking that we
are in a de-schooling period as we unlearn a more "time-out" style
of parenting? Is what feels like "taking advantage" really just
getting a fill of a need that wasn't being met? There's listening,
and talking, there's modeling...but there's also nagging doubt,
exhaustion and frustration on my end. Will this all be OK? (Note:
I've read Rue's book, been lurking here since the conference in
Peabody which I attended, and have been reading Naomi Aldert's
articles.)
I probably haven't spent nearly enough time re-reading and editing
this post for clarity or stupidity, but my kids need me to get
myself dressed and ready for a doctor's appointment they scheduled
for themselves today. And, I'm anxious to send it. So, I'm off...
Thanks in advance for any hand-holding that may come from this --
and/or constructive butt-kicking which I realize is also an option,
lmao!
Aimee in Connecticut
sharing life with Paul (DH), Emma (newly 8) and Annie (nearly 4)
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~~George
Eliot
"unschooler, n : one who learns from life and love and great books
and late morning conversations and big projects and eccentric uncles
and mountains and mistakes and volunteering and starry nights..."
~~From a t-shirt found at: www.lowryhousepublishers.com
uncertainty about how to proceed exists...more at eleven!
I'm really battling the voices lately...the voices of the adults in
my youth, the voices of mainstream society, the voices of nearly
*everybody else* I know who is raising children, and my own adult-
child voices. I'd like to throw a few more voices in there, but
loud ones from the unschooling/free child camp...so...
We have been making steps toward the free family paradigm for the
last 8 years. Slow steps and with a lenghty and pretty comfy rest-
stop in being attatched and compassionate with empathetic imposition
of the adult way on the children (the adult way being as respectful
of the kids as an adult way can be). Now we have begun the leg of
the journey that brings us closer to an unschooled LIFE and the
transition is smooth AND bumpy depending on what comfort level DH
and/or I am up against. The unschooled education part was and
remains easy for us (and we're teachers! hee-hee). The life part
is much harder for us (DH and I) to implement.
I, we, *get* it we just have trouble trusting it and/or implementing
it. But, I do keep coming back to examples such as: my parents
punished me regularly for not keeping my room neat...it did not make
me neat...it just continues to make me feel inadequate for not
caring about housework as much as she did or rather the judgements
people might make based on the appearance of my bedroom (boy do I
struggle with this!!!) So, why would I think that doing things the
way my parents did be the way to go?! Same with food...I ended up
with an eating problem and grew up in a house in which you had to
eat your veggies, restrict your treats (or better yet...sneak
them). Why would I do the same thing and expect a different
result?!
OK, so free/unschooled sounds so good on paper...but, the reality is
we are transitioning into this unschooled life and carry with us the
baggage of our own upbringing, but also our children's baggage of
their 8 and 4 years of living in a house that was somewhat
controlling and also included/includes the pain of mental illness
issues, physical health issues, child death, and complicated grief.
We are really only 'just now' getting back on our feet as a
family...restated...I am only 'just now' showing signs of recovery
and feeling able to make these changes toward freedom...but it's a
very quick and slippery step for me to find myself back with trauma
and stress issues. (We've all got our stuff...I don't think for a
minute there are many families unschooling out there who have not
been touched by some sort of issue...I'm just alluding to some of
ours.)
I'm writing WAY too much. Sorry. Seems I've let the proverbial
cork out of the bottle! LMAO!
The bottom line for me is...today I need to hear it's OK. That if
we keep moving toward freedom we will not end up with -- to quote
the tape playing in my head at times -- spoiled-rotten, ungrateful,
rude and self-centered (as in selfish) children. That responding
with kindness when my nearly 4 year old demands in what can be
considered a very rude way for an item at the dinner table I'm not --
a quote again-- creating a monster? That when I ask for some help
cleaning up a mess in the house, one made by the 4 year old in
particular in this instance, and am told NO (sharply too, geez!) I'm
not, again, creating a kid who will always be inconsiterate? And my
personal favorite...how do I stop feeling like "I'm the only one who
does anything around here?" That's an oldie, but goodie tape that
starts up pretty easily when I'm tired...I'll go happily along for
days counting the blessings in cleaning up, taking care of others,
etc. and then all of a sudden wham! I feel totally taken advantage
of, over worked and under appreciated and that darn it, don't I
deserve some common courtesy? Really...is it too much to ask for
the family to pick up after themselves? I know...I hit a hot button
(for the list as well as myself). I'm not saying anyone here is
wrong...I'm just sharing my struggle in trying to move in a more
free direction. I'm revealing my doubts in the hopes those here
with more experience can shine the light a little further along the
tunnel for me. I'm not here to bash you or judge what you are
doing.... I'm here for some help with dealing with the voices and
tapes of the past, both mine and those of my kids during this
transition.
*So*...
Are you sure??? Really???? Is it true???
Responding to rudeness, destruction, physical aggression, etc. with
kindess really, really, really will turn out OK? Gosh this sounds
SO dumb when I actually type it... Am I correct in thinking that we
are in a de-schooling period as we unlearn a more "time-out" style
of parenting? Is what feels like "taking advantage" really just
getting a fill of a need that wasn't being met? There's listening,
and talking, there's modeling...but there's also nagging doubt,
exhaustion and frustration on my end. Will this all be OK? (Note:
I've read Rue's book, been lurking here since the conference in
Peabody which I attended, and have been reading Naomi Aldert's
articles.)
I probably haven't spent nearly enough time re-reading and editing
this post for clarity or stupidity, but my kids need me to get
myself dressed and ready for a doctor's appointment they scheduled
for themselves today. And, I'm anxious to send it. So, I'm off...
Thanks in advance for any hand-holding that may come from this --
and/or constructive butt-kicking which I realize is also an option,
lmao!
Aimee in Connecticut
sharing life with Paul (DH), Emma (newly 8) and Annie (nearly 4)
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~~George
Eliot
"unschooler, n : one who learns from life and love and great books
and late morning conversations and big projects and eccentric uncles
and mountains and mistakes and volunteering and starry nights..."
~~From a t-shirt found at: www.lowryhousepublishers.com
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 6/26/06, Aimee <shaggyhill@...> wrote:
are giving your children and yourself to live a more free life without
all the bindings and limitations of "normal" life (whatever that is!)
Your children are going to learn to respect others because they have
been respected not because they have been shamed. You are doing a
great job and sometimes we do have to take babysteps in order to
finally see that we are walking on our own.
Grab hold of life and enjoy it. Ride it till you can't ride any
further. Breathe the air that is clean and fills your lungs with
happiness not foreboding. Find that joy in your life and know that it
is there for you to have!
Go Aimee Go! Go Aimee Go!!!!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
> The bottom line for me is...today I need to hear it's OK.Of course it is OK. It is better than OK, IMNSHO! What a gift you
are giving your children and yourself to live a more free life without
all the bindings and limitations of "normal" life (whatever that is!)
Your children are going to learn to respect others because they have
been respected not because they have been shamed. You are doing a
great job and sometimes we do have to take babysteps in order to
finally see that we are walking on our own.
Grab hold of life and enjoy it. Ride it till you can't ride any
further. Breathe the air that is clean and fills your lungs with
happiness not foreboding. Find that joy in your life and know that it
is there for you to have!
Go Aimee Go! Go Aimee Go!!!!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
Aimee
Thanks Michelle!
Since I posted I've been spending oodles of time on Sandra Dodd's
site as well as Joyce Fetteroll's Rejoycing site. Whew! There's a
ton there! My eyes are clouding up and I need to take a break, but
I can't seem to tear myself away, lmao. I guess I was ready for
this next part in the journey.
I typed up a big bedtime post about how tired I am and how much I
need "off duty" time, but I'm not posting it...I think I've
disovered some of the answers just in the writing of it (as I did
with my doubts post) and I'm reading all sorts of relevant info.
I seriously left the Peabody conference thinking y'all were a bunch
of quacks! Hee-hee... I mean that in the *best possible way* and
what I *really* meant was my fears took notice...what I was learning
was striking chords in me that would allow me to move forward, more
toward wholly unschooling. Lurking here and actually finishing
Rue's book...taking steps and seeing results are all helping. It's
just those dang doubts that creep up so loudly right about the time
I'm getting ready to give 'em the boot. It can be scary, so thanks
Michelle, I really appreciate the encouragement!
Aimee
Since I posted I've been spending oodles of time on Sandra Dodd's
site as well as Joyce Fetteroll's Rejoycing site. Whew! There's a
ton there! My eyes are clouding up and I need to take a break, but
I can't seem to tear myself away, lmao. I guess I was ready for
this next part in the journey.
I typed up a big bedtime post about how tired I am and how much I
need "off duty" time, but I'm not posting it...I think I've
disovered some of the answers just in the writing of it (as I did
with my doubts post) and I'm reading all sorts of relevant info.
I seriously left the Peabody conference thinking y'all were a bunch
of quacks! Hee-hee... I mean that in the *best possible way* and
what I *really* meant was my fears took notice...what I was learning
was striking chords in me that would allow me to move forward, more
toward wholly unschooling. Lurking here and actually finishing
Rue's book...taking steps and seeing results are all helping. It's
just those dang doubts that creep up so loudly right about the time
I'm getting ready to give 'em the boot. It can be scary, so thanks
Michelle, I really appreciate the encouragement!
Aimee
[email protected]
>>The bottom line for me is...today I need to hear it's OK. That ifwe keep moving toward freedom we will not end up with -- to quote the tape playing in my head at times -- spoiled-rotten, ungrateful, rude and self-centered (as in selfish) children. >>
Hi Aimee. It's more than ok. Really. This is a good thing you're doing for your family and yourself. Your family is healing and sometimes that's a long process, but you're on the right track!
This is an easy one for me to answer. I've seen it first hand. My kids are now 12 and 17. I *know* that raising children with respect, freedom, kindness and gentle guidance will bring forth absolutely amazing teenagers because I've got 'em. :o) And I'm absolutely confident that they will in turn become incredible, caring adults who will continue to better this world with their presence and actions.
How's that for hand-holding? Or would that be butt-kicking? <g>
>>Are you sure??? Really???? Is it true???>>Yes, I'm sure. It won't happen overnight, but having a loving, mindful, respectful relationship towards and with your children will bring the same respect and love back to you.
I am giving a talk this year at the Live and Learn conference about teens and unschooling. One of the reasons I wanted to talk about the teen years is to describe just how powerful this lifestyle change is. We DO NOT have the power struggles you hear about on Oprah or Dr. Phil. That doesn't mean we never have a problem, but we're used to working together as a unit. They know I'm on their side. We're a team. THAT is what you'll get from radical unschooling.
--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "Aimee" <shaggyhill@...>
> Breaking News: Doubt rears it's ugly head in Connecticut,
> uncertainty about how to proceed exists...more at eleven!
>
> I'm really battling the voices lately...the voices of the adults in
> my youth, the voices of mainstream society, the voices of nearly
> *everybody else* I know who is raising children, and my own adult-
> child voices. I'd like to throw a few more voices in there, but
> loud ones from the unschooling/free child camp...so...
>
> We have been making steps toward the free family paradigm for the
> last 8 years. Slow steps and with a lenghty and pretty comfy rest-
> stop in being attatched and compassionate with empathetic imposition
> of the adult way on the children (the adult way being as respectful
> of the kids as an adult way can be). Now we have begun the leg of
> the journey that brings us closer to an unschooled LIFE and the
> transition is smooth AND bumpy depending on what comfort level DH
> and/or I am up against. The unschooled education part was and
> remains easy for us (and we're teachers! hee-hee). The life part
> is much harder for us (DH and I) to implement.
>
> I, we, *get* it we just have trouble trusting it and/or implementing
> it. But, I do keep coming back to examples such as: my parents
> punished me regularly for not keeping my room neat...it did not make
> me neat...it just continues to make me feel inadequate for not
> caring about housework as much as she did or rather the judgements
> people might make based on the appearance of my bedroom (boy do I
> struggle with this!!!) So, why would I think that doing things the
> way my parents did be the way to go?! Same with food...I ended up
> with an eating problem and grew up in a house in which you had to
> eat your veggies, restrict your treats (or better yet...sneak
> them). Why would I do the same thing and expect a different
> result?!
>
> OK, so free/unschooled sounds so good on paper...but, the reality is
> we are transitioning into this unschooled life and carry with us the
> baggage of our own upbringing, but also our children's baggage of
> their 8 and 4 years of living in a house that was somewhat
> controlling and also included/includes the pain of mental illness
> issues, physical health issues, child death, and complicated grief.
> We are really only 'just now' getting back on our feet as a
> family...restated...I am only 'just now' showing signs of recovery
> and feeling able to make these changes toward freedom...but it's a
> very quick and slippery step for me to find myself back with trauma
> and stress issues. (We've all got our stuff...I don't think for a
> minute there are many families unschooling out there who have not
> been touched by some sort of issue...I'm just alluding to some of
> ours.)
>
> I'm writing WAY too much. Sorry. Seems I've let the proverbial
> cork out of the bottle! LMAO!
>
> The bottom line for me is...today I need to hear it's OK. That if
> we keep moving toward freedom we will not end up with -- to quote
> the tape playing in my head at times -- spoiled-rotten, ungrateful,
> rude and self-centered (as in selfish) children. That responding
> with kindness when my nearly 4 year old demands in what can be
> considered a very rude way for an item at the dinner table I'm not --
> a quote again-- creating a monster? That when I ask for some help
> cleaning up a mess in the house, one made by the 4 year old in
> particular in this instance, and am told NO (sharply too, geez!) I'm
> not, again, creating a kid who will always be inconsiterate? And my
> personal favorite...how do I stop feeling like "I'm the only one who
> does anything around here?" That's an oldie, but goodie tape that
> starts up pretty easily when I'm tired...I'll go happily along for
> days counting the blessings in cleaning up, taking care of others,
> etc. and then all of a sudden wham! I feel totally taken advantage
> of, over worked and under appreciated and that darn it, don't I
> deserve some common courtesy? Really...is it too much to ask for
> the family to pick up after themselves? I know...I hit a hot button
> (for the list as well as myself). I'm not saying anyone here is
> wrong...I'm just sharing my struggle in trying to move in a more
> free direction. I'm revealing my doubts in the hopes those here
> with more experience can shine the light a little further along the
> tunnel for me. I'm not here to bash you or judge what you are
> doing.... I'm here for some help with dealing with the voices and
> tapes of the past, both mine and those of my kids during this
> transition.
>
> *So*...
>
> Are you sure??? Really???? Is it true???
> Responding to rudeness, destruction, physical aggression, etc. with
> kindess really, really, really will turn out OK? Gosh this sounds
> SO dumb when I actually type it... Am I correct in thinking that we
> are in a de-schooling period as we unlearn a more "time-out" style
> of parenting? Is what feels like "taking advantage" really just
> getting a fill of a need that wasn't being met? There's listening,
> and talking, there's modeling...but there's also nagging doubt,
> exhaustion and frustration on my end. Will this all be OK? (Note:
> I've read Rue's book, been lurking here since the conference in
> Peabody which I attended, and have been reading Naomi Aldert's
> articles.)
>
> I probably haven't spent nearly enough time re-reading and editing
> this post for clarity or stupidity, but my kids need me to get
> myself dressed and ready for a doctor's appointment they scheduled
> for themselves today. And, I'm anxious to send it. So, I'm off...
>
> Thanks in advance for any hand-holding that may come from this --
> and/or constructive butt-kicking which I realize is also an option,
> lmao!
>
> Aimee in Connecticut
> sharing life with Paul (DH), Emma (newly 8) and Annie (nearly 4)
>
>
> "It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~~George
> Eliot
>
> "unschooler, n : one who learns from life and love and great books
> and late morning conversations and big projects and eccentric uncles
> and mountains and mistakes and volunteering and starry nights..."
> ~~From a t-shirt found at: www.lowryhousepublishers.com
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 6/26/06, zenmomma@... <zenmomma@...> wrote:
constantly trying to categorize my teen daughter in standard terms.
Using such terms as sullen, angst, reclusive, drama, whiny, difficult.
This friend doesn't have a lot of exposure to my daughter, but when
they are around each other my friend is amazed at how mature and
thoughtful my daughter is. We've always treated our children with
respect even when we weren't unschooling. We always felt that they
had a right to be heard and respected as do adults. My mother would
describe my parenting as "permissive" since I "let" them do things
that she would never have let us do. There are a number of teens in
our unschooling resource day that like being around. They are cool,
laid back, socially aware, helpful, kind, creative, witty!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
>I want to second what Mary said about teens! I have a friend who is
> I am giving a talk this year at the Live and Learn conference about teens and unschooling. One of the reasons I wanted to talk about the teen years is to describe just how powerful this lifestyle change is. We DO NOT have the power struggles you hear about on Oprah or Dr. Phil. That doesn't mean we never have a problem, but we're used to working together as a unit. They know I'm on their side. We're a team. THAT is what you'll get from radical unschooling.
> --
constantly trying to categorize my teen daughter in standard terms.
Using such terms as sullen, angst, reclusive, drama, whiny, difficult.
This friend doesn't have a lot of exposure to my daughter, but when
they are around each other my friend is amazed at how mature and
thoughtful my daughter is. We've always treated our children with
respect even when we weren't unschooling. We always felt that they
had a right to be heard and respected as do adults. My mother would
describe my parenting as "permissive" since I "let" them do things
that she would never have let us do. There are a number of teens in
our unschooling resource day that like being around. They are cool,
laid back, socially aware, helpful, kind, creative, witty!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
freepsgal
Aimee,
I'm very late in responding to this, but just wanted to say thank
you! Your post was absolutely lovely. I haven't even read the
responses yet or the break-away threads that probably happened as a
result. You are not alone in your journey to a free life. I am on
the same path with many of the same doubts. There are some areas that
are absolutely clear, but there are others that just make the hair on
the back of my neck stand up in caution. *laugh*
I'm woefully behind reading the notes on the list, having stayed away
from the computer for a while dealing with my own issues (trying to
find MY passions and interests). I'm both excited and nervous about
reading the responses to your excellent questions. Thank you for
having the courage to ask the questions that many of us would like to
just suppress. :)
Beth M.
I'm very late in responding to this, but just wanted to say thank
you! Your post was absolutely lovely. I haven't even read the
responses yet or the break-away threads that probably happened as a
result. You are not alone in your journey to a free life. I am on
the same path with many of the same doubts. There are some areas that
are absolutely clear, but there are others that just make the hair on
the back of my neck stand up in caution. *laugh*
I'm woefully behind reading the notes on the list, having stayed away
from the computer for a while dealing with my own issues (trying to
find MY passions and interests). I'm both excited and nervous about
reading the responses to your excellent questions. Thank you for
having the courage to ask the questions that many of us would like to
just suppress. :)
Beth M.