kinda OT- stressed out 10y/o
jsnhawkins
Just looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation and I
feel like you ladies have some great ways of dealing with things! My
10 y/o is currently struggling with his relationship with his dad. We
divorced when he was 5 because he did drugs, would not hold a job, and
got in trouble to the point that he ended up in jail. Regardless, he
remained a wonderful guy in DS's eyes. Lately, DS has come tho the
harsh realization that his dad does not make him a priority and
continues to live the same "loser" lifestyle that he has for years
(except for the drugs, I think). He is stressed out all the time, is
acting out by punching the couch, throwing (soft) balls as hard as he
can at the wall, crying LOTS. I'm trying to be sympathetic and help
him through it but it is VERY draining to try to compensate for what
someone else won't do. He says that he just "wants his dad to care
about him" and "take me to do fun stuff". Any advice on what I can do
to help him through this situation? Any and all thoughts are
appreciated.
Betsy, moma of Connor (10) and James (14 mths)
feel like you ladies have some great ways of dealing with things! My
10 y/o is currently struggling with his relationship with his dad. We
divorced when he was 5 because he did drugs, would not hold a job, and
got in trouble to the point that he ended up in jail. Regardless, he
remained a wonderful guy in DS's eyes. Lately, DS has come tho the
harsh realization that his dad does not make him a priority and
continues to live the same "loser" lifestyle that he has for years
(except for the drugs, I think). He is stressed out all the time, is
acting out by punching the couch, throwing (soft) balls as hard as he
can at the wall, crying LOTS. I'm trying to be sympathetic and help
him through it but it is VERY draining to try to compensate for what
someone else won't do. He says that he just "wants his dad to care
about him" and "take me to do fun stuff". Any advice on what I can do
to help him through this situation? Any and all thoughts are
appreciated.
Betsy, moma of Connor (10) and James (14 mths)
marji
Ugh! That's a real sad story, Betsy. I'm so sorry that it's
happening to you and to Connor!
I think the very, very best thing you can do for Connor is to listen
deeply to him, as I'm sure you've been doing. I know for me, when
I'm going through something that's really hard to bear, it's powerful
to me to have someone else just acknowledge my struggle. Hearing
"Wow, that's really tough stuff you're going through" somehow makes
me feel so much better. When life sucks, just knowing that someone
else sees it, too, is a balm for me. What I really hate, though, is
for someone to tell me what I should do (I'm not saying that you do
this, though). I feel like the advice-giver thinks me an incompetent
fool (which may very well be true, but I'd prefer to be the only one
who thinks that, especially when I'm already smarting!). I really
don't want someone else to fix things for me (unless, of course, it's
my car). I can and would rather fix my life myself and in my own way.
I'm guessing that this is what you already do for Connor: Listen to
him, acknowledge his struggle, and love him in as big a way as he's
willing to accept, even when he's saying ugly things. To me, all
this falls under the I-can-only-control-myself-and-no-one-else
principle. You can't make his dad toe the line, and you can't make
Connor feel okay about being blown off by his dad. All you can
really do (I think) is control how you respond to Connor's pain and
sorrow and allow him to have a safe place to vent his deepest
feelings, when and if that's what he wants to do.
One other thing I wouldn't do is engage or participate in any
dad-bashing, which you're probably not doing, either. Neither would
I cut off any of Connor's expressions of dad-bashing; I'd just listen
attentively, and if it got to any dad-bashing, I'd listen and then
gently bring the discussion back (eventually) to Connor and my
acknowledgement of his struggle and feelings.
Betsy, that's a mighty tough scene you've got there. I'm guessing
that the wise folks on this list will have other ideas to contribute
that I didn't even think of. That's what I love about this
list!! Anyway, I hope this helps, even just a little.
Sending you and Connor and James {{{{hugs}}}} and strength,
~Marji
At 23:33 6/24/2006, you wrote:
happening to you and to Connor!
I think the very, very best thing you can do for Connor is to listen
deeply to him, as I'm sure you've been doing. I know for me, when
I'm going through something that's really hard to bear, it's powerful
to me to have someone else just acknowledge my struggle. Hearing
"Wow, that's really tough stuff you're going through" somehow makes
me feel so much better. When life sucks, just knowing that someone
else sees it, too, is a balm for me. What I really hate, though, is
for someone to tell me what I should do (I'm not saying that you do
this, though). I feel like the advice-giver thinks me an incompetent
fool (which may very well be true, but I'd prefer to be the only one
who thinks that, especially when I'm already smarting!). I really
don't want someone else to fix things for me (unless, of course, it's
my car). I can and would rather fix my life myself and in my own way.
I'm guessing that this is what you already do for Connor: Listen to
him, acknowledge his struggle, and love him in as big a way as he's
willing to accept, even when he's saying ugly things. To me, all
this falls under the I-can-only-control-myself-and-no-one-else
principle. You can't make his dad toe the line, and you can't make
Connor feel okay about being blown off by his dad. All you can
really do (I think) is control how you respond to Connor's pain and
sorrow and allow him to have a safe place to vent his deepest
feelings, when and if that's what he wants to do.
One other thing I wouldn't do is engage or participate in any
dad-bashing, which you're probably not doing, either. Neither would
I cut off any of Connor's expressions of dad-bashing; I'd just listen
attentively, and if it got to any dad-bashing, I'd listen and then
gently bring the discussion back (eventually) to Connor and my
acknowledgement of his struggle and feelings.
Betsy, that's a mighty tough scene you've got there. I'm guessing
that the wise folks on this list will have other ideas to contribute
that I didn't even think of. That's what I love about this
list!! Anyway, I hope this helps, even just a little.
Sending you and Connor and James {{{{hugs}}}} and strength,
~Marji
At 23:33 6/24/2006, you wrote:
>Just looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation and I[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>feel like you ladies have some great ways of dealing with things! My
>10 y/o is currently struggling with his relationship with his dad....
Lesa ODaniel
Hi, Betsy, this isn't really very unschooly, but it is about listening to
your son's needs, which I think you're doing...
I'm so sorry your son is going through this. My 2 brothers and I went
through a very similar situation when I was 8 and they were 6 and 4. My dad
just never came home from work one day and didn't call or write until about
7 years later. My mom was very forthcoming with me about the situation but
for my brothers, she didn't make my dad out to be the actual LOSER he really
was. She let them continue to form their own opinions about him. When he
came to visit when we were older they really saw he was not a guy they
wanted to know anyway.
However, during that time he was unaccounted for my brothers were very
angry, told huge whopping lies to their teachers at school, got into fights,
cried at the drop of a hat, etc. and my single mom just didn't know what to
do to help them. They did start to show some improvement after my mom signed
them up for the Big Brother program. Unfortunately, there aren't always a
lot of guys who want to be a part of this program so it's understaffed in
many cities. They had a blast and also started seeking out friendships with
older teen boys who were cool and allowed them to tag along. My mom also
started to do what she thought were more "guy" activities with the boys -
going to ballgames, watching construction sites, watching sports on TV with
them even though she hated sports.
They both turned out to be amazingly loving and happy husbands and fathers,
by the way :)
Lesa O'Daniel, AAHCC
Instructor, Bradley Method� of Natural Childbirth
323-541-5515
http://www.bradleybirth.com/ndweb.asp?ID=O123&Count=N
Don�t just search. Find. Check out the new MSN Search!
http://search.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200636ave/direct/01/
your son's needs, which I think you're doing...
I'm so sorry your son is going through this. My 2 brothers and I went
through a very similar situation when I was 8 and they were 6 and 4. My dad
just never came home from work one day and didn't call or write until about
7 years later. My mom was very forthcoming with me about the situation but
for my brothers, she didn't make my dad out to be the actual LOSER he really
was. She let them continue to form their own opinions about him. When he
came to visit when we were older they really saw he was not a guy they
wanted to know anyway.
However, during that time he was unaccounted for my brothers were very
angry, told huge whopping lies to their teachers at school, got into fights,
cried at the drop of a hat, etc. and my single mom just didn't know what to
do to help them. They did start to show some improvement after my mom signed
them up for the Big Brother program. Unfortunately, there aren't always a
lot of guys who want to be a part of this program so it's understaffed in
many cities. They had a blast and also started seeking out friendships with
older teen boys who were cool and allowed them to tag along. My mom also
started to do what she thought were more "guy" activities with the boys -
going to ballgames, watching construction sites, watching sports on TV with
them even though she hated sports.
They both turned out to be amazingly loving and happy husbands and fathers,
by the way :)
Lesa O'Daniel, AAHCC
Instructor, Bradley Method� of Natural Childbirth
323-541-5515
http://www.bradleybirth.com/ndweb.asp?ID=O123&Count=N
>From: "jsnhawkins" <jsnhawkins@...>_________________________________________________________________
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: [unschoolingbasics] kinda OT- stressed out 10y/o
>Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2006 03:33:14 -0000
>
>Just looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation and I
>feel like you ladies have some great ways of dealing with things! My
>10 y/o is currently struggling with his relationship with his dad. We
>divorced when he was 5 because he did drugs, would not hold a job, and
>got in trouble to the point that he ended up in jail. Regardless, he
>remained a wonderful guy in DS's eyes. Lately, DS has come tho the
>harsh realization that his dad does not make him a priority and
>continues to live the same "loser" lifestyle that he has for years
>(except for the drugs, I think). He is stressed out all the time, is
>acting out by punching the couch, throwing (soft) balls as hard as he
>can at the wall, crying LOTS. I'm trying to be sympathetic and help
>him through it but it is VERY draining to try to compensate for what
>someone else won't do. He says that he just "wants his dad to care
>about him" and "take me to do fun stuff". Any advice on what I can do
>to help him through this situation? Any and all thoughts are
>appreciated.
>
>Betsy, moma of Connor (10) and James (14 mths)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Don�t just search. Find. Check out the new MSN Search!
http://search.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200636ave/direct/01/
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: jsnhawkins <jsnhawkins@...>
Just looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation and
I
feel like you ladies have some great ways of dealing with things! My
10 y/o is currently struggling with his relationship with his dad. We
divorced when he was 5 because he did drugs, would not hold a job, and
got in trouble to the point that he ended up in jail. Regardless, he
remained a wonderful guy in DS's eyes. Lately, DS has come tho the
harsh realization that his dad does not make him a priority and
continues to live the same "loser" lifestyle that he has for years
(except for the drugs, I think). He is stressed out all the time, is
acting out by punching the couch, throwing (soft) balls as hard as he
can at the wall, crying LOTS. I'm trying to be sympathetic and help
him through it but it is VERY draining to try to compensate for what
someone else won't do. He says that he just "wants his dad to care
about him" and "take me to do fun stuff". Any advice on what I can do
to help him through this situation? Any and all thoughts are
appreciated.
-=-=-=-
That's very yucky, and I'm sorry it's happening.
Time really will fix a lot of it---as he gets to know more about his
dad and accepts that that's the way he is. Acknowledging his feelings
and letting him vent will too.
I think having a strong male substitute wouldn't hurt---like an uncle
or grandfather or an older friend? Someone he could talk to as a
dad-figure---any unschooling dads near you? <g> Someone who *will* care
about him and take him to do fun stuff.
It's always better if it's your own, real dad, I'm sure. But having
another male who cares and is a big art of lhis life could make a big
difference too.
Good luck!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"The hardest problem for the brain is not learning, but forgetting. No
matter how hard we try, we can't deliberately forget something we have
learned, and that is catastrophic if we learn that we can't learn."
~Frank Smith
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
From: jsnhawkins <jsnhawkins@...>
Just looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation and
I
feel like you ladies have some great ways of dealing with things! My
10 y/o is currently struggling with his relationship with his dad. We
divorced when he was 5 because he did drugs, would not hold a job, and
got in trouble to the point that he ended up in jail. Regardless, he
remained a wonderful guy in DS's eyes. Lately, DS has come tho the
harsh realization that his dad does not make him a priority and
continues to live the same "loser" lifestyle that he has for years
(except for the drugs, I think). He is stressed out all the time, is
acting out by punching the couch, throwing (soft) balls as hard as he
can at the wall, crying LOTS. I'm trying to be sympathetic and help
him through it but it is VERY draining to try to compensate for what
someone else won't do. He says that he just "wants his dad to care
about him" and "take me to do fun stuff". Any advice on what I can do
to help him through this situation? Any and all thoughts are
appreciated.
-=-=-=-
That's very yucky, and I'm sorry it's happening.
Time really will fix a lot of it---as he gets to know more about his
dad and accepts that that's the way he is. Acknowledging his feelings
and letting him vent will too.
I think having a strong male substitute wouldn't hurt---like an uncle
or grandfather or an older friend? Someone he could talk to as a
dad-figure---any unschooling dads near you? <g> Someone who *will* care
about him and take him to do fun stuff.
It's always better if it's your own, real dad, I'm sure. But having
another male who cares and is a big art of lhis life could make a big
difference too.
Good luck!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"The hardest problem for the brain is not learning, but forgetting. No
matter how hard we try, we can't deliberately forget something we have
learned, and that is catastrophic if we learn that we can't learn."
~Frank Smith
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 6/24/06, jsnhawkins <jsnhawkins@...> wrote:
adults in his life that he can talk with? My niece was raised
believing that her father was some saint that her mother had left.
She blamed her mother for years for leaving her dad. Her dad was an
alcoholic, drug abuser, and prone to physical abuse on those around
him. He was not some fantastic guy that she saw once or twice a year
(if that). He died from cancer when she was around 18 years old still
with the belief that her dad was some sort of "great guy." It was at
his funeral that she learned what he was really like. It was very
difficult for her to have this perfect picture torn apart and
shattered. I think it would have been better for her to know why her
mom left him and what he was really like. I think we do a disservice
to children when we are less than honest with them about people's
characters, even those of their own parents. Her mother evading
telling her what her father was really like effected their
relationship as well. "Why didn't you tell me what a sob he was?" I
think children deserve the truth.
Do you watch the tv show e.r.? There is a similar story line in that
show. One of the nurse's exes is in prison, but she never told her
son about it. Always covered for him to make him look better than he
was. When the boy finally found out the truth, he was devestated.
children want their parents to be saints. I think it is important,
though, to not paint sinners as saints. That doesn't mean we have to
tell them things in judgemental words, but we can be honest with them.
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
> > Lately, DS has come tho theDoes your son have a positive male role model? Does he have other
> harsh realization that his dad does not make him a priority and
> continues to live the same "loser" lifestyle that he has for years
> (except for the drugs, I think).
adults in his life that he can talk with? My niece was raised
believing that her father was some saint that her mother had left.
She blamed her mother for years for leaving her dad. Her dad was an
alcoholic, drug abuser, and prone to physical abuse on those around
him. He was not some fantastic guy that she saw once or twice a year
(if that). He died from cancer when she was around 18 years old still
with the belief that her dad was some sort of "great guy." It was at
his funeral that she learned what he was really like. It was very
difficult for her to have this perfect picture torn apart and
shattered. I think it would have been better for her to know why her
mom left him and what he was really like. I think we do a disservice
to children when we are less than honest with them about people's
characters, even those of their own parents. Her mother evading
telling her what her father was really like effected their
relationship as well. "Why didn't you tell me what a sob he was?" I
think children deserve the truth.
Do you watch the tv show e.r.? There is a similar story line in that
show. One of the nurse's exes is in prison, but she never told her
son about it. Always covered for him to make him look better than he
was. When the boy finally found out the truth, he was devestated.
children want their parents to be saints. I think it is important,
though, to not paint sinners as saints. That doesn't mean we have to
tell them things in judgemental words, but we can be honest with them.
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
Salamander starr
Just making an assumption due to lack of info, you could point out that his
father may not be doing what Conor wants, but he does care enough to
acknowledge that YOU his mother can provide for him. i assume he doesn't
interfere with the lifestyle you have chosen to pursue. In a way that is a
sad "best thing you can say". But by the same token there are fathers who
do even less for their children and make their life and the life of the
mother miserable. Questioning everything, fighting for custody,
bad-mouthing, bringing the abuse into their everyday world, etc...maybe his
father is incapable of being the father he wants, but he seems to have the
sense (or cluelessness) to let well enough alone. Perhaps if you could
sympathize with Conor for his feeling of sadness and by the same token give
him the option to sympathize for the sadness of his father it would help him
feel less out of control...give him another emotion to attach to the
situation. Sympathy.
A
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
--Oscar Wilde
_________________________________________________________________
On the road to retirement? Check out MSN Life Events for advice on how to
get there! http://lifeevents.msn.com/category.aspx?cid=Retirement
father may not be doing what Conor wants, but he does care enough to
acknowledge that YOU his mother can provide for him. i assume he doesn't
interfere with the lifestyle you have chosen to pursue. In a way that is a
sad "best thing you can say". But by the same token there are fathers who
do even less for their children and make their life and the life of the
mother miserable. Questioning everything, fighting for custody,
bad-mouthing, bringing the abuse into their everyday world, etc...maybe his
father is incapable of being the father he wants, but he seems to have the
sense (or cluelessness) to let well enough alone. Perhaps if you could
sympathize with Conor for his feeling of sadness and by the same token give
him the option to sympathize for the sadness of his father it would help him
feel less out of control...give him another emotion to attach to the
situation. Sympathy.
A
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
--Oscar Wilde
_________________________________________________________________
On the road to retirement? Check out MSN Life Events for advice on how to
get there! http://lifeevents.msn.com/category.aspx?cid=Retirement