Re: [unschoolingbasics]Andrea & balancing needs...and my own fears
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/5/2004 3:47:07 AM Central Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
I was pretty unprepared for my feisty
4yo; he's caused me to search within and without for noncoercive ways of
being
with him and honoring him. And as my own search for authentic living has
become
much more pressing (midlife crisis and all that) I really want my 4yo's
wondrous lifeforce to blossom and not be squelched--which of course leads
right
into unschooling. So I appreciate all the posts that have stretched my
thinking
and caused me to question a lot of my assumptions. Especially discussions of
bedtimes, tv, food are, to me, probably most helpful in "getting" the
underlying philosophy of trust. I really appreciated all the posts about tv
limits
(which I have relaxed though not yet relinquished). A lightbulb for me was
the
post about "what you do" when you remove the arbitrary limit--ie. you sit
with
your child while he watches, you initiate discussions, answer questions,
offer input about what might scare him. There is so much real learning
taking
place--and also it is a lot more effort than just making up a rule (though
come
to think of it it may be less effort than enforcing said rule). So I am in
quite a state of flux and in the middle of integrating a lot of new ideas
I've
gotten here.
***
Hi Andrea,
I don't have any advice but I wanted to say I totally empathize. I'm in a
very similar space (sans the 29 yr old older sibling). I've just turned 49 this
past March and have a daughter (an only child) who turned 5 in June. I know
there are at least 3 other 'older' moms here with younger children, so I guess
we'll all grow together on these issues.
The whole unschooling philosophy resonates so strongly with me, but I'm still
working on actually 'living' it and breaking old patterns of looking at
things from how 'I' feel, rather than honoring how my DD feels. I feel like, with
the help of this board, I'm getting better every day, but I still will catch
myself sometime trying to manipulate a situation to end up with me getting what
'I' want. Robyn had a wonderful post about this a couple of days ago where I
had one of those 'me, too' moments!
A 'fear' that I have lately as I'm letting go more and more, is that my DD is
becoming very materialistic but doesn't really value any of her 'things'. We
try to buy her a lot of the things she wants, only to have them constantly
lost or neglected. And she doesn't seem to mind....she only wants more and more
and more. It's almost like she likes the buying of the things more than
actually having them. Like once she's got it, it loses value somehow?? I feel
like she doesn't care about them after she's played with them once. DH says (in
private) that she's becoming spoiled and complains that I buy her too many
things, and that she won't learn the value of 'things' if she gets every thing
she wants so readily.
We have a small house and "I" struggle with all the toys and stuff that is
mounting up. It's hard to keep up with a very active, curious 5 year old...and
I'm admittedly not the greatest housekeeper anyway - LOL! There are literally
toys, books, crafts, playdough, paints, Polly pocket parts, puzzles, dolls,
clothes...well you get the idea...EVERYWHERE on every surface in our house :)
The clutter affects my peacefulness, and I'd love suggestions for countering
the affects. I've tried organizing...I have places for things, but it's just
extremely difficult to get the things back where they belong!
Learning every day :)
Warmly,
Denise
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected] writes:
I was pretty unprepared for my feisty
4yo; he's caused me to search within and without for noncoercive ways of
being
with him and honoring him. And as my own search for authentic living has
become
much more pressing (midlife crisis and all that) I really want my 4yo's
wondrous lifeforce to blossom and not be squelched--which of course leads
right
into unschooling. So I appreciate all the posts that have stretched my
thinking
and caused me to question a lot of my assumptions. Especially discussions of
bedtimes, tv, food are, to me, probably most helpful in "getting" the
underlying philosophy of trust. I really appreciated all the posts about tv
limits
(which I have relaxed though not yet relinquished). A lightbulb for me was
the
post about "what you do" when you remove the arbitrary limit--ie. you sit
with
your child while he watches, you initiate discussions, answer questions,
offer input about what might scare him. There is so much real learning
taking
place--and also it is a lot more effort than just making up a rule (though
come
to think of it it may be less effort than enforcing said rule). So I am in
quite a state of flux and in the middle of integrating a lot of new ideas
I've
gotten here.
***
Hi Andrea,
I don't have any advice but I wanted to say I totally empathize. I'm in a
very similar space (sans the 29 yr old older sibling). I've just turned 49 this
past March and have a daughter (an only child) who turned 5 in June. I know
there are at least 3 other 'older' moms here with younger children, so I guess
we'll all grow together on these issues.
The whole unschooling philosophy resonates so strongly with me, but I'm still
working on actually 'living' it and breaking old patterns of looking at
things from how 'I' feel, rather than honoring how my DD feels. I feel like, with
the help of this board, I'm getting better every day, but I still will catch
myself sometime trying to manipulate a situation to end up with me getting what
'I' want. Robyn had a wonderful post about this a couple of days ago where I
had one of those 'me, too' moments!
A 'fear' that I have lately as I'm letting go more and more, is that my DD is
becoming very materialistic but doesn't really value any of her 'things'. We
try to buy her a lot of the things she wants, only to have them constantly
lost or neglected. And she doesn't seem to mind....she only wants more and more
and more. It's almost like she likes the buying of the things more than
actually having them. Like once she's got it, it loses value somehow?? I feel
like she doesn't care about them after she's played with them once. DH says (in
private) that she's becoming spoiled and complains that I buy her too many
things, and that she won't learn the value of 'things' if she gets every thing
she wants so readily.
We have a small house and "I" struggle with all the toys and stuff that is
mounting up. It's hard to keep up with a very active, curious 5 year old...and
I'm admittedly not the greatest housekeeper anyway - LOL! There are literally
toys, books, crafts, playdough, paints, Polly pocket parts, puzzles, dolls,
clothes...well you get the idea...EVERYWHERE on every surface in our house :)
The clutter affects my peacefulness, and I'd love suggestions for countering
the affects. I've tried organizing...I have places for things, but it's just
extremely difficult to get the things back where they belong!
Learning every day :)
Warmly,
Denise
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Valerie
> The clutter affects my peacefulness, and I'd love suggestions forcountering the affects. I've tried organizing...I have places for
things, but it's just extremely difficult to get the things back
where they belong!
>Garage Sale. Laurie and I had a garage sale when she was young to
> Learning every day :)
>
> Warmly,
> Denise
get rid of the things we no longer wanted to dust and store and
organize. We made $700 in two days and peace was restored.
love, Valerie
Webinfusion
Hi Denise,
What I do when dd wants something when we are out is say, "I can see you'd really like to have this book (stuffed toy, whatever) but we won't be taking it home today." Sometimes she'll carry it around with her, and when it is time to leave it, I say, "Ok, it's almost time to give "the item" to the cashier, or put it back on the shelf or whatever, which gives her a minute to adjust, then we turn it over, and say goodbye.
I do this because we noticed the same thing you wrote about. That once she got the thing she couldn't care less, lol! So I think she just needs some help getting over the immediate impulse, or maybe it's that she just needs her feelings to be acknowledged. Or maybe both...
Warmly,
Tracy
A 'fear' that I have lately as I'm letting go more and more, is that my DD is
becoming very materialistic but doesn't really value any of her 'things'. We
try to buy her a lot of the things she wants, only to have them constantly
lost or neglected. And she doesn't seem to mind....she only wants more and more
and more. It's almost like she likes the buying of the things more than
actually having them. Like once she's got it, it loses value somehow?? I feel
like she doesn't care about them after she's played with them once.
We have a small house and "I" struggle with all the toys and stuff that is
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
What I do when dd wants something when we are out is say, "I can see you'd really like to have this book (stuffed toy, whatever) but we won't be taking it home today." Sometimes she'll carry it around with her, and when it is time to leave it, I say, "Ok, it's almost time to give "the item" to the cashier, or put it back on the shelf or whatever, which gives her a minute to adjust, then we turn it over, and say goodbye.
I do this because we noticed the same thing you wrote about. That once she got the thing she couldn't care less, lol! So I think she just needs some help getting over the immediate impulse, or maybe it's that she just needs her feelings to be acknowledged. Or maybe both...
Warmly,
Tracy
A 'fear' that I have lately as I'm letting go more and more, is that my DD is
becoming very materialistic but doesn't really value any of her 'things'. We
try to buy her a lot of the things she wants, only to have them constantly
lost or neglected. And she doesn't seem to mind....she only wants more and more
and more. It's almost like she likes the buying of the things more than
actually having them. Like once she's got it, it loses value somehow?? I feel
like she doesn't care about them after she's played with them once.
We have a small house and "I" struggle with all the toys and stuff that is
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]