Letting Go and Fightings Siblings
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/24/2006 7:52:56 AM Eastern Standard Time,
fetteroll@... writes:
It *isn't* easy to let go! It's scary! It takes some uncomfortable
self examination to let go. But what you're seeing displayed on the
list is the one balloon someone has decided to let go of. You're just
not seeing the other 11 balloons they're still holding onto ;-)
It is very scary. For me, making the decisions to "try" changes and for my
husband, watching us change. He asks me every few days if I'm afraid, scared,
etc. He is more scared than we are because he's not on these support lists.
I admittedly have more than a dozen balloons still controlling our lives and
we are popping them one, sometimes two at a time. What I've learned as I
really allow ourselves to be free is that it is working for our family. Really
working. My kids are happier, I'm happier, we're building trust (I didn't
realize I wasn't trusting them until I let go of the reigns), they're learning to
trust themselves, they're thinking more because they're thinking about what
they want to think and not what I was forcing them to try to think about. Does
that make any sense? It's not easy, but its getting easier as we learn to
trust ourselves and each other. As time goes on I think the rest of our balloons
will probably set themselves free and we may not even see them go because this
freedom thing is becoming so natural. I am also learning how to respect my
own issues without imposing them onto my children. Cleaning for example, my
biggest issue. I'm dealing with messes and not yelling and feeling frustrated
about it. Most of the time. I really like the thought of cleaning as a
choice. It is a choice. I am going to choose not to clean today--Thank you Joyce!
Here's my question for the day: How do you seasoned unschoolers handle
sibling rivalry, your kids fighting, irritating each other, etc? I've come to an
unhappy place in this area where I just don't want to hear my kids mistreating
each other so I frequently tell them to go fight away from me. That is really
not what I want I just want them to quit bickering. It hurts me to hear them
hurt each other. Any ideas?
Thank you.
Warmly,
Robin, feeling like I'm in therapy when I read these helpful posts. Thanks
for all the tangible advice and help ladies!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
fetteroll@... writes:
It *isn't* easy to let go! It's scary! It takes some uncomfortable
self examination to let go. But what you're seeing displayed on the
list is the one balloon someone has decided to let go of. You're just
not seeing the other 11 balloons they're still holding onto ;-)
It is very scary. For me, making the decisions to "try" changes and for my
husband, watching us change. He asks me every few days if I'm afraid, scared,
etc. He is more scared than we are because he's not on these support lists.
I admittedly have more than a dozen balloons still controlling our lives and
we are popping them one, sometimes two at a time. What I've learned as I
really allow ourselves to be free is that it is working for our family. Really
working. My kids are happier, I'm happier, we're building trust (I didn't
realize I wasn't trusting them until I let go of the reigns), they're learning to
trust themselves, they're thinking more because they're thinking about what
they want to think and not what I was forcing them to try to think about. Does
that make any sense? It's not easy, but its getting easier as we learn to
trust ourselves and each other. As time goes on I think the rest of our balloons
will probably set themselves free and we may not even see them go because this
freedom thing is becoming so natural. I am also learning how to respect my
own issues without imposing them onto my children. Cleaning for example, my
biggest issue. I'm dealing with messes and not yelling and feeling frustrated
about it. Most of the time. I really like the thought of cleaning as a
choice. It is a choice. I am going to choose not to clean today--Thank you Joyce!
Here's my question for the day: How do you seasoned unschoolers handle
sibling rivalry, your kids fighting, irritating each other, etc? I've come to an
unhappy place in this area where I just don't want to hear my kids mistreating
each other so I frequently tell them to go fight away from me. That is really
not what I want I just want them to quit bickering. It hurts me to hear them
hurt each other. Any ideas?
Thank you.
Warmly,
Robin, feeling like I'm in therapy when I read these helpful posts. Thanks
for all the tangible advice and help ladies!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On May 24, 2006, at 6:08 AM, ohpurple1@... wrote:
I let this get to me, a lot, too. My kids got along pretty well when
they were young - they enjoyed each other and worked things out and
had fun together pretty much all the time. So when they hit the teen
years and started having more conflicts, I was unprepared for it,
myself, and took it very personally - as it says, above, "It hurts me
to hear them hurt each other."
I handled it badly and made it worse in SPITE of intellectually
knowing better ways. I complained, nagged, whined, and on and on - I
begged them to stop FOR MY SAKE!
Finally, Rosie and Roxana told me I was making it worse, that I was
making a big deal out of what, to them, was just a disagreement and
that even if they got mad at each other, it would blow over faster if
I'd stop putting MY energy into it, too, and making it seem like they
were doing something to ME.
I thought about it and realized that they have perfectly good problem
solving skills and that they don't any longer need me to intervene.
The time for that direct approach has passed, for us. I'll still help
clarify if I think one is misunderstanding the other - or I'll offer
to help if there is something I can do (like I can say, "You could go
use my bathroom," if they are having trouble sharing their bathroom).
But I've stopped trying to stop THEM from having conflicts and I've
stopped taking it personally when they hurt each other's feelings.
When my kids were younger, I'd read "Siblings Without Rivalry," and
put it into practice - I think it was wonderful and was really the
reason my kids mostly got along and enjoyed each other.
Also - I had to accept that a certain amount of "not getting along"
was really all right - it didn't mean they hated each other. And, I
had to let go of the idea that they'd always be "best friends." I
changed my perspective so that, instead of being upset when they are
NOT being close and loving with each other, I am grateful and happy
when they ARE sweet and friendly with each other. And, at 15, 18, and
21, they still like each other and still WANT to hang out together -
they're proud of each other, BUT they still, in fact, have conflicts
and sometimes say things to each other that hurt MY feelings.
-pam
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Here's my question for the day: How do you seasoned unschoolersI feel your pain! <BEG>
> handle
> sibling rivalry, your kids fighting, irritating each other, etc?
> I've come to an
> unhappy place in this area where I just don't want to hear my kids
> mistreating
> each other so I frequently tell them to go fight away from me.
> That is really
> not what I want I just want them to quit bickering. It hurts me to
> hear them
> hurt each other. Any ideas?
I let this get to me, a lot, too. My kids got along pretty well when
they were young - they enjoyed each other and worked things out and
had fun together pretty much all the time. So when they hit the teen
years and started having more conflicts, I was unprepared for it,
myself, and took it very personally - as it says, above, "It hurts me
to hear them hurt each other."
I handled it badly and made it worse in SPITE of intellectually
knowing better ways. I complained, nagged, whined, and on and on - I
begged them to stop FOR MY SAKE!
Finally, Rosie and Roxana told me I was making it worse, that I was
making a big deal out of what, to them, was just a disagreement and
that even if they got mad at each other, it would blow over faster if
I'd stop putting MY energy into it, too, and making it seem like they
were doing something to ME.
I thought about it and realized that they have perfectly good problem
solving skills and that they don't any longer need me to intervene.
The time for that direct approach has passed, for us. I'll still help
clarify if I think one is misunderstanding the other - or I'll offer
to help if there is something I can do (like I can say, "You could go
use my bathroom," if they are having trouble sharing their bathroom).
But I've stopped trying to stop THEM from having conflicts and I've
stopped taking it personally when they hurt each other's feelings.
When my kids were younger, I'd read "Siblings Without Rivalry," and
put it into practice - I think it was wonderful and was really the
reason my kids mostly got along and enjoyed each other.
Also - I had to accept that a certain amount of "not getting along"
was really all right - it didn't mean they hated each other. And, I
had to let go of the idea that they'd always be "best friends." I
changed my perspective so that, instead of being upset when they are
NOT being close and loving with each other, I am grateful and happy
when they ARE sweet and friendly with each other. And, at 15, 18, and
21, they still like each other and still WANT to hang out together -
they're proud of each other, BUT they still, in fact, have conflicts
and sometimes say things to each other that hurt MY feelings.
-pam
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lesa McMahon-Lowe
Pam's is a great response.... my sister and I are only 22 months apart and
because of birthdays, were only a year apart in school... growing up we
were the best of friends and the worst of enemies.
my mom very rarely butted in to our arguments... most of the time she'd just
yell from the other room "girls, quit your bickering!" when we were very
young, our parents would always make us "kiss and make up"... they'd always
tell us "don't go away mad, just go away"... not always the best way to
handle things but certainly not the worst, I figured they did the best with
what they knew, since they both grew up with many siblings.
I can tell you that I remember the last fight my sister and I got into... I
d say we were probably about 14 or 15... and I for the life of me can't
remember what the fight was about but it escalated to the point of one of us
picking up a doll rocking chair and hurling it down the hall at the other...
and all of a sudden it seemed to shock us back into reality, and we both
stopped and looked at each other, and just busted up laughing because we
realized that what we were doing was ridiculous and we couldn't even
remember what we were fighting about.
we are very good friends now... it helps to have one other person in the
world that "really knows" just how messed up your parents and other family
members really are... lol... and who I have that history with and we have a
lot in common... like natural health, arts and crafts, similar parenting
styles, and the same peer group when we were in high school.
I'd just say to walk a fine line between how much involvement you put
yourself into your children's disagreements. It is ok to let them work
things out on there own... and to let them know that if they need a mediator
that you are there to help them. Even siblings... with similar genetics...
can have totally different personalities... and it's expected that they won
t always get along.
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
http://stoptherod.net/
http://parentinginjesusfootsteps.org/
"Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth."
-John F. Kennedy
-------Original Message-------
From: Pamela Sorooshian
Date: 05/24/06 11:21:29
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Letting Go and Fightings Siblings
because of birthdays, were only a year apart in school... growing up we
were the best of friends and the worst of enemies.
my mom very rarely butted in to our arguments... most of the time she'd just
yell from the other room "girls, quit your bickering!" when we were very
young, our parents would always make us "kiss and make up"... they'd always
tell us "don't go away mad, just go away"... not always the best way to
handle things but certainly not the worst, I figured they did the best with
what they knew, since they both grew up with many siblings.
I can tell you that I remember the last fight my sister and I got into... I
d say we were probably about 14 or 15... and I for the life of me can't
remember what the fight was about but it escalated to the point of one of us
picking up a doll rocking chair and hurling it down the hall at the other...
and all of a sudden it seemed to shock us back into reality, and we both
stopped and looked at each other, and just busted up laughing because we
realized that what we were doing was ridiculous and we couldn't even
remember what we were fighting about.
we are very good friends now... it helps to have one other person in the
world that "really knows" just how messed up your parents and other family
members really are... lol... and who I have that history with and we have a
lot in common... like natural health, arts and crafts, similar parenting
styles, and the same peer group when we were in high school.
I'd just say to walk a fine line between how much involvement you put
yourself into your children's disagreements. It is ok to let them work
things out on there own... and to let them know that if they need a mediator
that you are there to help them. Even siblings... with similar genetics...
can have totally different personalities... and it's expected that they won
t always get along.
Lesa
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net
http://stoptherod.net/
http://parentinginjesusfootsteps.org/
"Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth."
-John F. Kennedy
-------Original Message-------
From: Pamela Sorooshian
Date: 05/24/06 11:21:29
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Letting Go and Fightings Siblings
On May 24, 2006, at 6:08 AM, ohpurple1@... wrote:
> Here's my question for the day: How do you seasoned unschoolers
> handle
> sibling rivalry, your kids fighting, irritating each other, etc?
> I've come to an
> unhappy place in this area where I just don't want to hear my kids
> mistreating
> each other so I frequently tell them to go fight away from me.
> That is really
> not what I want I just want them to quit bickering. It hurts me to
> hear them
> hurt each other. Any ideas?
I feel your pain! <BEG>
I let this get to me, a lot, too. My kids got along pretty well when
they were young - they enjoyed each other and worked things out and
had fun together pretty much all the time. So when they hit the teen
years and started having more conflicts, I was unprepared for it,
myself, and took it very personally - as it says, above, "It hurts me
to hear them hurt each other."
I handled it badly and made it worse in SPITE of intellectually
knowing better ways. I complained, nagged, whined, and on and on - I
begged them to stop FOR MY SAKE!
Finally, Rosie and Roxana told me I was making it worse, that I was
making a big deal out of what, to them, was just a disagreement and
that even if they got mad at each other, it would blow over faster if
I'd stop putting MY energy into it, too, and making it seem like they
were doing something to ME.
I thought about it and realized that they have perfectly good problem
solving skills and that they don't any longer need me to intervene.
The time for that direct approach has passed, for us. I'll still help
clarify if I think one is misunderstanding the other - or I'll offer
to help if there is something I can do (like I can say, "You could go
use my bathroom," if they are having trouble sharing their bathroom).
But I've stopped trying to stop THEM from having conflicts and I've
stopped taking it personally when they hurt each other's feelings.
When my kids were younger, I'd read "Siblings Without Rivalry," and
put it into practice - I think it was wonderful and was really the
reason my kids mostly got along and enjoyed each other.
Also - I had to accept that a certain amount of "not getting along"
was really all right - it didn't mean they hated each other. And, I
had to let go of the idea that they'd always be "best friends." I
changed my perspective so that, instead of being upset when they are
NOT being close and loving with each other, I am grateful and happy
when they ARE sweet and friendly with each other. And, at 15, 18, and
21, they still like each other and still WANT to hang out together -
they're proud of each other, BUT they still, in fact, have conflicts
and sometimes say things to each other that hurt MY feelings.
-pam
Unschooling shirts, cups, bumper stickers, bags...
Live Love Learn
UNSCHOOL!
<http://www.cafepress.com/livelovelearn>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
freepsgal
> How do you seasoned unschoolers handle sibling rivalry, your kidsHi Robin,
> fighting, irritating each other, etc?
> Robin
I do not consider myself a seasoned unschooler, but I am a mother to
3 children, ages 8, 9 and 14. My oldest has only been with us
weekends and holidays due to a shared custody arrangement so I
haven't had the same type of fighting issues with her that I've seen
in my younger two children. My younger 2 are only 20 months apart
and are each other's main playmates. My ds9 is an introvert who
likes being alone a lot of time. My dd8 is an extrovert who likes
being with people nearly all of the time. Their personalities have
made for some interesting clashes.
I do not like the parenting theory that allows children to continue
fighting to work it out themselves. If they had the ability to work
it out, they wouldn't be fighting. I don't think they necessarily
have the experience and tools to find a peaceful resolution without
any outside assistance. Now, sometimes they do work it out. I'm
also sure they have more disagreements than I see. I step in when I
see their spirits breaking. Even my DH and I have disagreements,
but when one of us is really hurting, we can sort of put the
disagreement to the side and reconnect emotionally because our love
is greater than our hurts. But my kids don't have that feeling.
Sometimes their fighting sparks the 'fight or flight' mode and it's
just way intense.
I also step in when I hear them doing what I call typical kid
disagreeing. You know, the 'yes, no, yes, no, yes, no' back and
forth type stuff that leads absolutely no where. I always ask them
what's going on and give them both a chance to tell me what's going
on but instead of trying "fix" it, I usually hug, kiss and validate
and try to let them see the other's point of view. Then I redirect
to something entirely different. It seems much easier to send the
kids away, i.e. out of the room or out of the house, for peace and
quiet. But part of our unschooling lifestyle is that I am a 100%
participant in their lives. It means I might have to stop what I'm
doing, put my laptop down, put my book down, stop cleaning, get off
the phone, etc.; but in those times especially, they need me there
with them. We find something fun to do and our spirits become
joyful again. Most always, they graduate into doing something
together and leave me out of the loop so that I find something to do
with myself. Our days ebb and flow like this all day.
Beth M.
Sherry
>When our kids were younger, I would say "five nice things' and theywould each think of five nice things about each other. They would
each offer five nice things about the other one. They always ended up
smiling!
Sherry
> Here's my question for the day: How do you seasoned unschoolershandle sibling rivalry, your kids fighting, irritating each other,
etc? I've come to an unhappy place in this area where I just don't
want to hear my kids mistreating each other so I frequently tell them
to go fight away from me. That is really not what I want I just want
them to quit bickering. It hurts me to hear them hurt each other.
Any ideas?
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/25/2006 11:53:27 AM Eastern Standard Time,
bridge_2_learning@... writes:
When our kids were younger, I would say "five nice things' and they
would each think of five nice things about each other. They would
each offer five nice things about the other one. They always ended up
smiling
I LOVE this idea! Thank you! I'll try it next time they fight.
Robin in MA
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
bridge_2_learning@... writes:
When our kids were younger, I would say "five nice things' and they
would each think of five nice things about each other. They would
each offer five nice things about the other one. They always ended up
smiling
I LOVE this idea! Thank you! I'll try it next time they fight.
Robin in MA
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/25/2006 9:35:30 AM Eastern Standard Time,
freepsgal@... writes:
But part of our unschooling lifestyle is that I am a 100%
participant in their lives. It means I might have to stop what I'm
doing, put my laptop down, put my book down, stop cleaning, get off
the phone, etc.; but in those times especially, they need me there
with them.
So true. That's the kind of mother I am striving to be so thank you for the
reminder. I will "rewind" and reconsider my responses if I feel the urge to
send them away again. The hugging I always use with foster kids because it
almost always calms them down. I expect too much from my tiny children in
expecting them to work things out at ages 9 and 6. I'll get in the ring with them
next time and hug them and redirect them with kindness rather than frustration.
Warmly,
Robin, who is truly enjoying this self examination as well as the dummy slaps
offered from people on this list. I need them so keep them coming!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
freepsgal@... writes:
But part of our unschooling lifestyle is that I am a 100%
participant in their lives. It means I might have to stop what I'm
doing, put my laptop down, put my book down, stop cleaning, get off
the phone, etc.; but in those times especially, they need me there
with them.
So true. That's the kind of mother I am striving to be so thank you for the
reminder. I will "rewind" and reconsider my responses if I feel the urge to
send them away again. The hugging I always use with foster kids because it
almost always calms them down. I expect too much from my tiny children in
expecting them to work things out at ages 9 and 6. I'll get in the ring with them
next time and hug them and redirect them with kindness rather than frustration.
Warmly,
Robin, who is truly enjoying this self examination as well as the dummy slaps
offered from people on this list. I need them so keep them coming!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]