Pampered Chef Michelle

On 5/18/06, Misty Felner <misty@...> wrote:
>
> I
> feel like she wants my attention 24/7 and I'm getting frustrated trying to
> give it to her. Sometimes I just need a break to cook dinner or just have
> a
> minute to myself.


I could have written this about both my daughters. Emily was "worse" about
this than Mary Elayne, but I think it was because Emily was the first and
didn't have that "built in playmate" by being the second. There was no one
else to give her attention than Mommy. So Emily did everything with me. We
cooked together, slept together, played together, did laundry together, went
to the bathroom together even! I would get physically tired and fortunately
my co-parent recognized this and would give me a break on the weekends to go
do something by myself. Usually I would just go and walk a labyrinth
somewhere or go hiking in the woods - just something where there were no
people or I might go take in a movie at the dollar theater. Once I even
took a weekly class in cake decorating. Find something to do and put it
down. Mom's mental health is just as important as your child's. Your child
NEEDS you NOW but you also need to take care of YOU so that you will WANT to
be with your child instead of feeling like your child is a burden instead of
a delight!

One of the girls had a younger sister, maybe 5 that wanted Rachel's
> shovel. The girl kept asking and even trying to take it from dd. I asked
> her if she'd be willing to share her shovel with the girl, but clearly she
> wasn't. She eventually started offering the shovel to other girls there,
> but not the one girl. (This is one of those things that screams
> vindictive
> in my mind, that I'm trying to shed.)


She saw this girl as wanting to take her shovel. Sharing is a VERY hard
concept for children to understand. I know adults that don't understand the
concept. This one girl probably sounded demanding in your daughter's eyes,
especially if she kept asking to use the shovel. Sharing it with whom she
wanted to was her way of having some control over the situation. Until they
are quite older "sharing" means giving something up and while it seems
temporary to you and me, to a child it isn't. I think that teaching
children to "share" at very young ages is not a healthy thing to do for most
children. They have a limited temporal understanding. Instead of letting
the children take control over this situation I most likely would have said
to the child asking, "She isn't finished playing with it right now. Let's
find something else that you can dig with until she is finished." This
would allow your daughter to not feel like she has to give up the shovel and
given the other girl something to dig with until a shovel became available.
I doubt your daughter was being vindictive towards other girl because she
doesn't have anything to vindicate. She just saw this girl as an obstacle
to her free will.





--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Ask me how you can save 60% on some of our most favorite products!


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-----Original Message-----
From: Pampered Chef Michelle <pamperedmichelle@...>

She saw this girl as wanting to take her shovel. Sharing is a VERY hard
concept for children to understand. I know adults that don't
understand the
concept. This one girl probably sounded demanding in your daughter's
eyes,
especially if she kept asking to use the shovel. Sharing it with whom
she
wanted to was her way of having some control over the situation. Until
they
are quite older "sharing" means giving something up and while it seems
temporary to you and me, to a child it isn't. I think that teaching
children to "share" at very young ages is not a healthy thing to do for
most
children. They have a limited temporal understanding. Instead of
letting
the children take control over this situation I most likely would have
said
to the child asking, "She isn't finished playing with it right now.
Let's
find something else that you can dig with until she is finished." This
would allow your daughter to not feel like she has to give up the
shovel and
given the other girl something to dig with until a shovel became
available.
I doubt your daughter was being vindictive towards other girl because
she
doesn't have anything to vindicate. She just saw this girl as an
obstacle
to her free will.

-=-=-=-

Good point!

When Cameron was a baby, our German neighnor *really* thought he needed
a sibling. I asked why, and she said so that he'd learn to share.

I'm sorry. That made NO sense to me! Throughout my life, all my "only"
children freinds were the *best* friends. They weren't selfish or
hoarders but generous and giving. I'd noticed this all my life. I'd
found that my friends who had siblings very close in age were generally
the most stingy.

*My* conclusion was that that was due to having to give up all you
owned to someone else---being *forced* to share before you're ready.

I was not going to have another child anyway (Dunc's another story!
<g>), but I figured I could keep Cam out of those sharing situations as
long as I could.

We shared with him. We were as generous as we could be. I figured he'd
learn about sharing from *our* modelling. NOT from being forced to
share what *he* had, but by being shared WITH. We thanked him when he
*did* share.

Seems to have worked. With both boys.


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org

"The hardest problem for the brain is not learning, but forgetting. No
matter how hard we try, we can't deliberately forget something we have
learned, and that is catastrophic if we learn that we can't learn."
~Frank Smith