Re: Help dd is a hitter
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Hi Misty,
I am a mom with 3 kids, all who have, still do use physical means to communicate.
Things that work for us. Figure out what situations trigger the behavior and proactively avoid those. It seems like being in same age, boy dominating places increase your dd's hitting. As hard as it is, stop going...for now. I had a very hard time giving up my LLL meetings. I was a leader, but my son was too overstimulated, being older and expected to play with all the kids, he just lost it often. Be with your child at all times. You will see the face changes that happen prior to hitting. You will be able to calmly stop the hand and redirect your child. This part is very tiring and you don't get to hang out with the mom's, but you avoid a lot of problems simply by stopping them.
I would read _The Explosive Child_ by Ross Greene, looking mainly at how to identify triggers and remove them from your child's life. This book has a large chapter on diagnosis and treatment, which I suggest you skip, as you dd is very young. My older dd is a trigger for my younger ds. I can not remove her :-) but I do try very hard to to keep them seperate and I am with them when they are together. He is 9, she is 11.
You said you dd has a good time at the unschooling parkday, so I would make sure to always attend these.She shines there. Older kids is who my guy plays with. Same age boys are big triggers, except in his sports. The very best thing for my son has been finding a place he excels in and fostering that. He's a competitive swimmer and very respected by all the kids on the team, especially the older teens. They love him and it helps him feel good about himself which just makes life so much more positive all around.
My son hits when his feelings get hurt. He has hit since he was little and it slowly got worse before it got better, and at 9 he still hits, though only his own sister and his cousin. I can say for us, my son knows hitting hurts, he should not hit when frustrated, but the control to not hit isn't always there. He feels remorse afterwards, but usually much after, not right away when the feelings are still raw. His feelings get hurt very easily, and the best thing for me to do when he hits, after I have comforted the one hit, is to hug him and he cries and tells me what hurt his feelings. It would crush him to be sent away from me into a space alone as a punishment as his feelings are already hurting. He does retreat to his own room to calm down on his own, a skill we have shown him. I also offer him water, to flush the adrenaline from his system. I never force him to say sorry, though he often will later.
I still stay so close to his play. We have a signal and he will come up and grab my pinky with his, and that means, mom, I am overstimulated and I need to check in with you. I will stop my conversation mid sentence to pull away and check in with him. He will often tell me he has to leave, so and so is teasing him...And I leave.
I hope I haven't worried you too much. I still wish my son was not so prone to hitting, but the reality is he does. It is hard, but being with him as his partner and helping him negatiate the world works to foster connection and that is my goal. He needs to be kept safe while he gains control. I am seeing huge leaps in growth since 7.5.
Your dd is having trouble and her methods are calls for help. I find when I sense my child in pain it is much easier to muster the energy to be helpful.
We also watch a lot of TV and I talk casually about what they see. Watch Tom and Jerry sometime and talk about how it would feel to be hit with a frying pan. Or not if that is too scary to even imagine with her right now.
Mary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am a mom with 3 kids, all who have, still do use physical means to communicate.
Things that work for us. Figure out what situations trigger the behavior and proactively avoid those. It seems like being in same age, boy dominating places increase your dd's hitting. As hard as it is, stop going...for now. I had a very hard time giving up my LLL meetings. I was a leader, but my son was too overstimulated, being older and expected to play with all the kids, he just lost it often. Be with your child at all times. You will see the face changes that happen prior to hitting. You will be able to calmly stop the hand and redirect your child. This part is very tiring and you don't get to hang out with the mom's, but you avoid a lot of problems simply by stopping them.
I would read _The Explosive Child_ by Ross Greene, looking mainly at how to identify triggers and remove them from your child's life. This book has a large chapter on diagnosis and treatment, which I suggest you skip, as you dd is very young. My older dd is a trigger for my younger ds. I can not remove her :-) but I do try very hard to to keep them seperate and I am with them when they are together. He is 9, she is 11.
You said you dd has a good time at the unschooling parkday, so I would make sure to always attend these.She shines there. Older kids is who my guy plays with. Same age boys are big triggers, except in his sports. The very best thing for my son has been finding a place he excels in and fostering that. He's a competitive swimmer and very respected by all the kids on the team, especially the older teens. They love him and it helps him feel good about himself which just makes life so much more positive all around.
My son hits when his feelings get hurt. He has hit since he was little and it slowly got worse before it got better, and at 9 he still hits, though only his own sister and his cousin. I can say for us, my son knows hitting hurts, he should not hit when frustrated, but the control to not hit isn't always there. He feels remorse afterwards, but usually much after, not right away when the feelings are still raw. His feelings get hurt very easily, and the best thing for me to do when he hits, after I have comforted the one hit, is to hug him and he cries and tells me what hurt his feelings. It would crush him to be sent away from me into a space alone as a punishment as his feelings are already hurting. He does retreat to his own room to calm down on his own, a skill we have shown him. I also offer him water, to flush the adrenaline from his system. I never force him to say sorry, though he often will later.
I still stay so close to his play. We have a signal and he will come up and grab my pinky with his, and that means, mom, I am overstimulated and I need to check in with you. I will stop my conversation mid sentence to pull away and check in with him. He will often tell me he has to leave, so and so is teasing him...And I leave.
I hope I haven't worried you too much. I still wish my son was not so prone to hitting, but the reality is he does. It is hard, but being with him as his partner and helping him negatiate the world works to foster connection and that is my goal. He needs to be kept safe while he gains control. I am seeing huge leaps in growth since 7.5.
Your dd is having trouble and her methods are calls for help. I find when I sense my child in pain it is much easier to muster the energy to be helpful.
We also watch a lot of TV and I talk casually about what they see. Watch Tom and Jerry sometime and talk about how it would feel to be hit with a frying pan. Or not if that is too scary to even imagine with her right now.
Mary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]