Faith Weikert

>>The biggest problem with authoritarianism is that it *looks* on the
surface like it's working. Kids tend to behave around the
authoritarian parent. But once they're out of the sight of the
authoritarian parent it's a different story. And the sad part is that
they aren't misbehaving because they're bad and need more control.
They're misbehaving because they're fighting to get loose of the
chains around them and it often turns out badly.<<<<

Wow... this just cleared up for me why me and my catholic school peers were labeled as "worse" than our public school counterparts! A tradition we have in PA and NJ is the week after graduation, you rent a house with your friend "down the shore" (aka "at the beach" for the rest of the country). The landlords always complained that the catholic school week wreaked havoc on the properties and the police had to be much more present!!

I get it!! What an ah-ha moment! ...for unschooling parenting that is!

Faith
Mother to Justin (15) and Juliana (2)
Wife to Kurt since 12/6/97
Pampered Chef Director since 11/01
Working towards Unschooling since 2/17/06

'Learn to love, respect and enjoy other people.'
-- Dale Carnegie


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

trektheory

--- In [email protected], "Faith Weikert"
<weikerths@...> wrote:
>
> >>The biggest problem with authoritarianism is that it *looks* on
the
> surface like it's working. Kids tend to behave around the
> authoritarian parent. But once they're out of the sight of the
> authoritarian parent it's a different story.

The trick is to get kids to internalize values. I have always felt
that it is important to do what is right because it is right, not
because either fear of getting caught, or promise of reward. That
has always been my goal with my son, which is why I explain the
reasoning behind my rules. If he has a good reason to feel they are
unfair or inappropriate in any given circumstance, he can (and has)
persuaded me to rethink and such. We have rules, but not
the "because I said so" type.

Linda

Joanne

>>>>>>>The trick is to get kids to internalize values. I have
always felt that it is important to do what is right because it is
right, not because either fear of getting caught, or promise of
reward.>>>>>>


I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to get kids *who
weren't raised that way from the start* to this point. Kids who are
externally motivated by fear or rewards because that's how it's been
for their whole life? It's been almost three years since my kids
moved in with us and sometimes I feel like I'm not making much
progress with my older two in this area.

Thanks for any suggestions...no matter how small. Sometimes I just
need a fresh set of ideas to get me back on track.

~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
http://foreverparents.com

trektheory

--- In [email protected], "Joanne"
<billyandjoanne@...> wrote:
>
> >>>>>>>The trick is to get kids to internalize values. I have
> always felt that it is important to do what is right because it is
> right, not because either fear of getting caught, or promise of
> reward.>>>>>>
>
>
> I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to get kids
*who
> weren't raised that way from the start* to this point. Kids who
are
> externally motivated by fear or rewards because that's how it's
been
> for their whole life? It's been almost three years since my kids
> moved in with us and sometimes I feel like I'm not making much
> progress with my older two in this area.
>
> Thanks for any suggestions...no matter how small. Sometimes I just
> need a fresh set of ideas to get me back on track.
>
> ~ Joanne ~
> Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
> Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
> http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
> http://foreverparents.com
>

I'll give it a shot, anyway. Do you explain WHY for each rule,
discipline, etc? (Yeah, I know, a lot of people here would say that
discipline is a dirty word, but I don't mean it as corporal
punishment.) There are logical consequences, of course -- but they
may not be stated, and thus not understood. For instance, if your
child says something mean and disrespectful, you might say, "Gee,
that really hurt my (or Bobby's, or whoever) feelings." The child
might not realize that there is a consequence to that behavior, that
next time they want to do something that requires that person, that
person may be less inclined to want to help.

I realize this sounds rambly and incoherent. Also, specific praise
for positive actions tends to be very helpful in increasing that
behavior. "Good job" is kinda weak.... But "I really appreciate how
hard it was to tell the truth. You probaby felt terrible when you
broke that priceless Ming vase, and were scared to tell me." Also,
when appropriate, share stories of when you did things. It's easier
to own up to being less than perfect to someone who is -- but kids
don't always realize that we really WERE kids once, and messed up,
etc.

I don't know what sort of details would fit your situation, but this
is just what I could come up with off the top of my head.

Linda

Joyce Fetteroll

On Apr 30, 2006, at 6:08 PM, Joanne wrote:

> I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to get kids *who
> weren't raised that way from the start* to this point. Kids who are
> externally motivated by fear or rewards because that's how it's been
> for their whole life? It's been almost three years since my kids
> moved in with us and sometimes I feel like I'm not making much
> progress with my older two in this area.

Do you have some specific examples?

It's easier to talk about the philosophy in terms of how it applies
to a problem.

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]