frozenandcold

<<<<<My 10 year old thinks he
can just say whatever he wants to me and he's been hitting his
brother (the
7 year old). The 14 year old has been instigating a lot of fights
between
the 2 younger boys. They don't bathe, and they get FILTHY!!! They
have
become lazy and sullen, they stay up all night and sleep half the
day.>>>>>


Wow, you got some great advice on this subject! I think the main
thing to remember is that it is not about NO rules and limits, it is
about NO ARBITRARY rules and limits, and I do prefer the principle
approach over the "rules". If things make sense most kids are more
than willing to go along with it. For me it is is more about
respecting them as a fellow human beings not some puppet to be
controlled. It is more about helping them and guiding as they make
their own choices that are unique only to them.

Everyone in the house deserves to be safe, and that means safe from
physical, verbal, and emotional harm. It is something we struggle
with in our home so don't think that all unschoolers live this
perfectly peaceful life all the time. One thing that my sister Ren
has taught me over the last couple weeks while we were staying with
them is that distraction is a WONDERFUL tool!!!! I tend to sit
there and say "Stop that, that is not okay." until I am so fed up
that I get agitated. The other day the kids were outside playing
but their tone indicated that they were getting a little irritated
with each other; Ren went outside and said "Hey, you guys want to
build a fire and have s'mores?" Talk about a distraction! We went
and built a fire and the kids started laughing again and forgot all
about whatever was irritating them. Sometimes they just need a
change of pace.

My kids definitely go through down times (I prefer to not call it
laziness) when there is changes of any kind going on in our family.
I do know though that if you just plan some fun, interesting things
that they will most likely want to join you. Even my son who spends
HOURS on the computer every day and seems to never come out of his
room will join us if there is something interesting going on.
Something as simple as Art Trading Cards. Something else that we do
periodically (another one of Rens suggestions) is to just get in the
car and drive, I let the kids tell me whether to turn right, left or
go straight. Wherever we end up we go in and check it out. You
will be amazed where you end up. One day we ended up at Joanns
Fabrics and ended up making mittens that day!

Be patient because you are in the process of redefining your life
really and it takes time to figure it out. I do agree with the
advice that you got about not letting go of everything at one time;
that can be overwhelming for kids who aren't used to having lots of
choices. Just say yes more often and slowly let go of arbitrary
rules, negotiate more so that everyone in the family gets at least a
part of what they want, and make YOUR life really interesting;
invest in your own passions and interests and see how that effects
the whole family!!

Heidi Snavley

ps about the showers and filthiness: I have one that only showers
once a week or so and as long as he doesn't effect the rest of us
too bad I don't say much but something you can do to encourage
regular showers is to make the bathroom a fun place to be with great
decorations, bright colored towels, fun soaps, good smelling
shampoo, etc. Don't know if it will work but my kids love that kind
of thing!!