Jessica Radtke

> I'm not sure why parents who don't
> give their children a
> choice ask their children to do things. Why not just
> tell them, "Do the
> dishes." I've noticed that parents who "ask" their
> children to do something
> and the child exercises their free will to not do
> that thing will then say,
> "I ASKED you to do that and you disobeyed me."
> Hmmmm. Asking equates to
> requirement.

OUCH! (*cringe*) I just said something similar to my
son last night and immediately regretted it. Your post
helped me realize why I was uncomfortable with what I
had said.

My son (9) has recently developed the habit of
dropping everything - shoes, toys, bike helmet,
food...whatever he has in his hands - *right* in front
of the main door and everyone keeps tripping over the
pile. The area where he leaves his things is also
right at the bottom of the stairs. He took the dog out
for a walk when we got home from our family's Easter
dinner last night and left his shoes on the bottom
step. I came down the stairs with a load of laundry
and tripped over his shoes. I said "Cameron, I have
*ASKED* you not to put your things right in front of
the door/at the bottom of the stairs more times than I
can count lately and you still did it *again*! Please
get your shoes out of the way before someone really
gets hurt!" I was frustrated so it came out more
harshly than I meant it to, so he got upset because I
was "yelling" at him.

I didn't realize at the time that I had been
*expecting* that he would either do as I asked or give
me his reason for saying "no". There has rarely been a
time when he didn't do one of those two things, so I
just *assumed* that he would in this case as well.
Instead he has been agreeing with my explanations
about why this was not a safe place to put his stuff
and moving them when I asked, but continuing to drop
his stuff there until I either asked him to move them
or I moved them myself. This goes on many, many times
a day. He has also been leaving a trail of clothes,
dirty dishes and trash wherever he goes in the house.
This is a completely new way of acting for him. Before
now he has always put his clothes in the hamper,
rinsed his own dishes, put away most of his things
himself, and thrown away his trash (candy wrappers and
such). Not at our insistence but just because that's
the way he's always been. When he was a toddler he
just emulated us and has continued to do so. We never
really had to ask, he just did these things. Now,
however, it's like he's walking around in a daze and
doesn't even realize what he's doing.

It hasn't escaped my attention that this change in his
behavior coincided with him suddenly looking and
acting "older". Around the time of his last growth
spurt he started becoming more muscular, getting acne
and talking about girls as if he's aware of them as
more than just playmates (though he's not quite ready
to "like" them just yet). He has also been worrying
about how his hair looks (he used to be famous for his
"bed head") and even asked me to buy him deodorant the
other day. I have to wonder if it is all related.

Not sure how this will all work out. We'll just play
it by ear as usual I suppose. He's my oldest so I feel
like I'm fumbling in the dark most of the time.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. All I really meant to
say was "thanks" for your wording. It really helped me
see my part of the situation last night more clearly.

Jessica

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Nicole Willoughby

Im am trying to retrain myself on this also :) Now mine are much younger ...oldest 6 but one thing I try to do with the oldest is request her help in finding a solution.
Like with you safety issue .....I dont want someone to end up really getting hurt............how can we solve this problem? If I put out a basket in the same area can you agree to toss ytou shoes and socks in there?

Nicole


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Joyce Fetteroll

On Apr 17, 2006, at 10:33 PM, Nicole Willoughby wrote:

> I dont want someone to end up really getting hurt............how
> can we solve this problem?

It's your job to attend to their safety. You can try various things
to fix problems but ultimately the responsibility is yours.

> If I put out a basket in the same area can you agree to toss ytou
> shoes and socks in there?

When children leave things out it's not because they're lazy, it's
because they just aren't aware. They're so focused on what they're
doing next that they aren't aware of what they're doing now.

We have a dark bathroom that's off a bright hallway. Though I'm very
conscious of conserving electricity, as I'm coming out of the
bathroom into the bright hall, there isn't a visual clue to remind me
the light's on so I more often than not I forget to turn it off. I
already care about electricity. I can't be more aware. Should my
family yell at me? Should my family make me stop what I was doing to
go turn off the light? I think that would just create tension in our
relationships. What would work is if someone sees the light on to
turn it off! :-)

Some people are just oblivious to their surrounds. Especially kids.
The bathroom sink had gotten pretty dirty and every time I'd look at
it I'd sigh in irritation. But my husband would even see it. Then one
day he cleaned out his electric razor and decided to wipe the hairs
out and disturbed the thick film on it and was surprised. He really
and truly hadn't seen the dirt before that. (Lucky me! :-)

Trust that your kids are doing the best they can with the skills they
have. When you're there, you can say "Shoes," and they'll know what
you mean. When they aren't there, just pick them up.

(BTW, there's a lot of good stuff in "How To Talk So Kids Will
Listen, And Listen So Kids Will Talk".)

Joyce

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Pampered Chef Michelle

On 4/17/06, Nicole Willoughby <cncnawilloughby@...> wrote:
>
> Like with you safety issue .....I dont want someone to end up really
> getting hurt............how can we solve this problem?


Gosh that would all depend on what the safety issue was. Can you give us an
example of what you mean?

If I put out a basket in the same area can you agree to toss ytou shoes and
> socks in there?


We have a shoe basket. It sits right inside the front door. We've had one
forever basically because I hate wearing shoes in the house. There are
usually shoes around the shoe basket but not necessarily IN the shoe basket
and sometimes the shoes are other places in the house. I don't require that
shoes go in the basket. My son sometimes is so engrossed in getting through
with bathroom "duties" so he can get back to what he was doing that he
forgets to flush the toilet. I tired of reminding him and the girls would
refuse to do it for him. So I stamped him a little sign and had it
laminated. I hung it at eye level. It simply says "Flush" I also made
some other signs like Wash, Brush, and Lights as visual reminders for him.
He doesn't always do them, but it sure does bring up conversations when we
have guests :)





--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
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Nicole Willoughby

Like with you safety issue .....I dont want someone to end up really
> getting hurt............how can we solve this problem?


Gosh that would all depend on what the safety issue was. Can you give us an
example of what you mean?


:) Im sorry.......someone wrote an e-mail about their son leaving shoes at the bottom of stairs n such .....was just mentioning what I do here with my littles as one of many possible solutions. ( Of course they only do what they are supposed to about 25% of the time )


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